Well, this is loosely based on the song Screaming Infidelities by Dashboard Confessional. And the line at the end is an excerpt from the poem "Because She Would Ask Why I Love Her" by Christopher Brennan. Thanks for reading. :]
I laid there, staring up at the ceiling, burrowed in soft blankets as I did my best to drift off. Honestly though, I couldn't sleep because she wasn't with me. Spencer. God, how many times had I said her name? Enough that it was my favorite word; hands down. As soon as I heard it my ears perked up; desperate for any information. Spencer had bewitched me; completely. But now she was gone; she was no longer herself.
Ever since that awful fight; I don't even remember what it was about but it took her from me. It'd be three months, three dreadful months without her beside me, without hearing her laughter or seeing her smile. These days her smile was fake, as was her laughter. I could tell the difference. God, I just wanted to hear her laugh again. It had always captivated me, the way she'd throw her head back or how she would make some type of physical contact, touching my hand or arm. I was always so mesmerized by her; I probably knew more about her than she did. Her eyes no longer held their spark either; her smile no longer reached them and it made her eyes look fake. Her eyes had once held every emotion that passed through her; she was completely open like a book for me to read over and over.
The only time I saw her spark up again is when she knew I was watching. She would flirt and tease the girls; whoever was around because she knew that I was watching. She always made sure that I saw her leave with them, her catch of the night. I would just drink more and try not to dwell on her. I wanted her; I'd always want her. Sometimes I'd have a dream that she showed up at my door, and suddenly everything would be okay. I knew it couldn't happen that way but there was always hope.
I sighed as I sat up, pushing my hair back. I wasn't going to sleep tonight; I don't know why I'd even tried. I reached over to my bedside and grabbed the bottle of vodka that had come to be my constant companion as of late. I tenderly grabbed the note that had been opened and refolded so many times that it was soft in my hands. I read the note over and over like I always did. Her excuses for not being with me, I'd already memorized it. Mostly I just read the bottom where she'd written that she'd love me forever. It hurt to read, sure, but it was my tiny thread of Spencer. I traced the faded letters with my forefinger, imagining that I was touching her skin.
The doorbell rang and I cursed loudly, shaken out of my fantasies. I took another gulp of Vodka before standing and making my way down the stairs. I didn't know who came over at three in the morning but I was about to give them a piece of my mind. I threw open the door, ready to cuss the person out. I stopped short when I saw her though. She was only half standing up, being held up by a girl I vaguely recognized as the girl Spencer had bagged that night.
"Hi, sorry, she wouldn't tell me where she lived; she kept saying that she couldn't go home." I barely heard the girl as I stared at Spencer, her eyes glazed over and a sloppy grin on her face. She looked as if she were about to pass out. "She said to bring her here, is tha –"
"It's fine." I replied, cutting her off. "Has she already thrown up?"
"Yeah, twice." The girl answered, making me nod.
"Great, that means she'll pass out soon." I said mostly to myself as I stepped forward to touch Spencer's face. "Spence, can you walk?" I asked, making her eyes focus in on me.
"Hi Ash," She said sleepily and I couldn't stop my smile. Those were the first words she'd spoken directly to me in months.
"Hi babe," I replied, jumping forward to catch her as she started to slump. She fell right into my arms and I hoisted her up as best I could before finally just picking her up. I was glad that she was so light even when passed out. Her arms went instantly around my neck as if by instinct. "I'll take it from here, thanks." I said to the girl, staggering under Spencer's weight as I closed the door and did my best to carry her over to the couch. Her eyes were open as I laid her down and she smiled lazily up at me. "You gonna sleep here or do you want to go upstairs?" I asked gently, making her blink a few times.
"I think I can make it up." She answered, slowly sitting up and groaning in frustration when her hair fell into her face. She pushed it behind her ears with the back of her hands before letting me help her to her feet. She leaned heavily into me but we eventually made it up the stairs and into my room. She crawled into the bed and flopped down on her stomach, her arms spread out on either side of her. I watched, standing uncertainly by the bed as her breathing slowed. Finally I climbed in beside her but sat down with my back against the headboard so that I could stare down at her but I wasn't actually touching her. I didn't trust myself enough. I wasn't even sure if this was real.
Here she was, the only girl that had ever brought me to my knees. She held everything that was important to me and here she was after months, passed out on my bed. Her hair was spread out over the sheets and I couldn't control the urge to reach out and run my hand just once through the soft golden hair that I'd always loved. I wondered vaguely how many girls had been touching her hair over the past couple of months and I instantly pulled my hand back. God, she was still beautiful though. Even though she'd been with other girls; it didn't taint her in my eyes. She was still Spencer Carlin, able to drive me crazy with just a smile.
"Ashley," Spencer called, still asleep an hour later. She looked troubled as she reached her arms out, as if looking for my body beside hers.
"I'm here babe," I answered, moving down and groaning when her hand latched onto my side and pulled me into her, seeming content as she settled with her face pressed into my neck. I knew this was wrong but God, if I didn't enjoy it. She felt so good pressed up against me like that. I finally allowed myself to relax into her tight embrace and I nearly lost all composure when I felt her lips press against my neck, like she always used to do when we were lying together like this. Her thumb where it was resting on my ribcage was rubbing back and forth in a stroking motion that I knew was going to drive me insane all night. I found myself drifting though, with the combined effect of Spencer in my arms and not having slept in about two days I was going under.
"Ash," The soft call made me wake, slowly opening my eyes and trying to focus on the blonde in my arms. Spencer. I couldn't stop my small smile. So it hadn't been a dream. She was biting her lip and staring at me, obviously confused. "What happened?" Her voice was small, worried.
"Nothing, your catch of the night brought you here because you wouldn't tell her where you lived." Spencer groaned and rolled over onto her back, releasing her hold on me and covering her face with her hands.
"You let me in?"
"Obviously; I wasn't going to just leave you with some complete stranger."
"Well…thanks." The awkwardness of the moment was finally evident as we both just laid there, staring at my ceiling, each trying to find something to say. Minutes passed that felt like hours. "I really want a taco." The bizarreness of her comment made me laugh and soon we were both laughing hysterically, holding our stomachs with tears streaming down our faces. We would stop for a moment but then one of us would say 'taco' and we'd be back laughing again. It was stupid and made no sense but to me it was probably one of the best moments I'd had in months. She then shocked me by rolling back over onto her stomach and tossing an arm over my stomach. "I've missed you, Ash." She whispered, making me frown.
"It wasn't my fault that you left."
"I know. I don't know what I was thinking. You know you're all I've thought about."
"I know, you're all I think about too." I sighed out. She nodded before looking up at the arm that rested above where her head was lying beside my ribcage. She propped her chin up with one hand and took the other off my stomach to bring it to my arm. She lightly trailed her fingers over the inside of my arm, making me have to fight to withhold a gasp. Her fingers just moved lightly, up to the crook of my elbow and back to my wrist, drawing random patterns with her fingertips. She was staring at my arm and I was staring at the side of her head as we laid in a comfortable silence.
"I've been a wreck without you," She finally whispered, breaking the silence as her fingers stilled for just a moment before they picked up again. "You could probably tell. I was always horrible at hiding what I felt from you." I knew that she needed this so I just listened as she talked. "God I always wanted you to stop me from going home with those girls but you never did. You'd just watch as I walked out with them. I don't even remember the majority of them, you know? They were never you. Most of the time I'd just get drunk and pass out and wake up at some random apartment or house; I'm very lucky that I'm not dead or something." I nodded, as she bit her lip obviously thinking about saying something. "I always had this dream that I would come here one night and everything would be back to normal; but that's not true is it?" She asked, finally looking me in the eye. I shook my head.
"No, it will never be the same." I confirmed, watching as she nodded but laid her head down and turned away. It took me a minute to realize that she was crying and before thinking about it I draped myself over her. "What's wrong Spence?" I asked, immediately concerned. She took me off guard by rolling over and looking me in the eye, tears still streaming.
"I'm so sorry," She whispered, her voice hoarse. I reached my thumbs out to brush her tears away and I nodded.
"It's okay baby," The term of affection rolled of my tongue naturally and I didn't think about it until I saw her eyes spark with something I hadn't seen in months. She had always loved when I called her baby, I was never sure why. I must've called her that a million times but every time a huge smile would light up her face and she would blush. God, she was gorgeous. I really just wanted to kiss her. Just once, just to see…
My thoughts were cut off though because one of us, maybe both of us, had leaned forward to initiate a long awaited kiss. It was perfect. Exactly how I remembered. Her lips were so soft, and yet her kiss was firm and sent butterflies through my whole body. We mutually deepened the kiss and I heard Spencer let out a little moan as my hands came up to rest on the side of her face. I pulled away first, resting my forehead against hers as we caught our breath.
"Is this wrong?" I whispered, not opening my eyes.
"Does it matter?" She responded, I shook my head against hers.
"No." Our lips came together again, moving against each other perfectly. I brought my hands up to cup the back of her head, using it as leverage to deepen the kiss, brushing my tongue over hers and making us both moan. I moved so that I was straddling her lap when her lips attached themselves to my neck, finding all my weak spots once again. As if it had just been hours since she'd kissed me like this, and not months.
Clothes seemed to disappear as if by magic until suddenly she was completely revealed to me, and I to her. My fingers slid over her skin slowly, as if searching for something. Maybe I was searching but for what was unclear. Our bodies came together, every inch of skin sliding against each other and fitting like a puzzle and it was perfect. So incredibly perfect that I could feel myself shaking with want and love and tons of other emotions that I hadn't been able to feel in so long.
"I want you so bad," Spencer husked out, making shivers flood my body. I gently pushed her backwards until she was on her back and I was leaning over her, my lips moving over every inch of skin that I could reach. My fingers slid up the inside of her thigh, feeling the liquid heat from her center already. I got the sudden mad desire to taste her and I moaned at the thought. I slid my mouth down her stomach, laying kisses along the way until my mouth was hovering over her. I could smell her arousal and it was driving me nuts as I stared up at her. Her eyelids were half-closed with arousal as she stared back at me, her eyes begging. I leaned down and took a swift lick through her folds, moaning as I tasted her once again. She laced her fingers in my hair as her hips bucked up to meet my mouth.
I had forgotten how amazing she tasted, and was suddenly ravenous for her. I brought my tongue up again until it caught her clit, making her jerk above me. I wrapped my lips around the small bud and sucked as she let out her breath and tightened her grip on my hair. I continued to suck, applying more and more pressure until I felt the soft flood as she came. She slumped into the bed, breathing hard and released her grip on my hair. I grinned as she started to catch her breath and surprised her by leaning in and licking up every drop that I could find. She removed her hands from my hair and laced them in her own tendrils, arching up as my tongue probed her hole, fucking her gently. I moved my lips back up to her clit, flicking my tongue over her clit as my fingers started to explore as well.
I slipped a finger into her, moaning at her tightness. Her eyes were slammed shut as I added another finger to mix, slowly stretching her out until I could fit another finger. Her breathing was labored and ragged as I slowly pulled my fingers out before slamming them back in, harder each time until I could feel her velvety walls tightening around my fingers, signaling her fast coming orgasm. I sucked hard on her hard, slick clit once more, throwing her over into the oblivion. I cleaned her up gently as she came back down, not intending to arouse. Once I had finished I moved back up, placing random kisses along her glistening skin along the way until I reached her lips and kissed her softly.
"That was perfect," She whispered against my lips, framing my face with her hands.
"You're perfect." I retorted, kissing her a bit more firmly. She reciprocated easily, our tongues lazily coming out to meet each other. I was overcome with her presence, her skin against mine, her hair spread out on my sheets. "I never stopped loving you, Spencer." She stared up at me, biting her plump lips. I watched helplessly as a tear fell down her cheek and into her hair. I wasn't sure what to say, afraid that I'd messed everything up once again.
"I couldn't stop either. I tried, so hard. It was impossible. You are my heart." I kissed her again, trying to pour every ounce of what I felt into it. She was crying more freely now, but I knew that it wasn't sad. "How can you still love me? After everything you watched me do…"
"I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live, and life in me is what you give." I recited, kissing away her tears.