Title: Nothing Left to Lose

Fandom: Sherlock (BBC)

Pairing: John Watson x Sherlock Holmes

Rating: T

Warnings: Heavy John feels, angst, possible OOC-ness... Johnlock. Don't like, don't read.

Summary: John can't handle being alone, but it is only a matter of time before Sherlock comes back with a little more than a explaination. Multi-chapter. Set after episode 'The Reichenbach Fall'.

AN: First ever try at this fandom, so be nice please. This is my own little take on what happens after and yes, they may be a bit OOC because I can never really get anyone right.. Enjoy.

John was alone.

And that in itself was terrifying.

John had thought that he would hopefully never have to feel this again; that lost feeling that made him feel like the world rested on his shoulders and he was going to buckle under the weight. He never thought he would have to deal with the heavy silence left after someone is gone or the tightness that accompanied the lost feeling when he looked around the room at all the small memories.

He had hoped -which he now knew was a awful thing to do- that he would always have Sherlock even though he knew the risks of what Sherlock's life constituted of. John thought that he wouldn't have these feeling resurface ever again.

How wrong he was.

He walked slowly in a circle around the room with longing in his eyes and a fresh set of tears settling on the edges of lids to accompany the feeling. He looked at the skull on the mantle and Sherlock's chair which he refuses to touch. The violin leaning against said chair and the dressing gown thrown carelessly across the back.

The pain hit him hard like the first time he realized he was truly alone again. He still couldn't wrap his head around how Sherlock could just di- leave like that. Refused to believe it actually. Even if there were splatters on the ground and the headstone to prove it. He heaved a shaky breath as he sat in his own chair. Squeezing the arms he felt the next feeling; regret rolled through his body with heavy steps. Regret of not ever telling the brilliant man how he felt. Didn't even get to settle a whisper of how he made his chest tighten and butterflies flutter helplessly in his stomach even if he would go off on a tangent of how that isn't possible. John didn't even get to say how much he wanted to feel those pales lips under his, how he wanted to cup those supple cheeks that went rosy in the cold or how he wanted to lightly run his fingers along those sharp hipbones or feel the arch of his back under him.

John wished desperately to tell Sherlock his warming feelings for him and hope for the best. But he remembered quickly that could never happen. Which brought on the heavy tears that slipped down his tired cheeks as he slumped silently in his chair across from Sherlock and closed his eyes. He felt all of his defenses slip and all that was left was the feelings and the empty room of that one person he wanted more than anything.

He never even noticed the eyes of the older Holmes watching from a distance with phone in his hand; texting a reply to the questioning message of:

'How is John? Please don't let him be crying again; That just won't do..

-SH.'

Mycroft sighed as he looked through the window of 221b Baker Street and then back at his phone. He wished his brother would just tell John he was alive and well. That is was all just a well thought plan that went maybe a little too well. He wished Sherlock would just come clean and tell John his feelings even if they made him out to be something he claimed not to be. But no; Sherlock hides in his home biding his time. Waiting until all the chips fall and his presence will be needed.

But he didn't realize that is what was needed very badly right now by a certain doctor sitting in the living room with tear tracks staining his cheeks and white knuckles pulled taut over he chair's arms.

'This is too much Shirley, he needs you. Now. This is not fair to him'

He beat down the urge to go and just tell the doctor himself. But he knew it wouldn't matter if it came from him.

'Not yet, it isn't time yet

-SH'

Mycroft scoffed at the message and felt anger bubble in his throat. He just wanted to throttle Sherlock right now.

'Quit being so scared of your feelings and get down here to take care of him! You are a bloody idiot that doesn't deserve this man's tears'

He knew that was the wrong thing to say when he got the reply of:

'I know.

-SH'

AN: This is only the first chapter. It won't have many chapters because I probably won't be able to make it long with the way I write.. Hope you like it so far and drop a review if there is anything you think I should change or add.

Thank you for the time you spent reading this.