ME: Harry, do the disclaimer!

Harry: I don't wanna. Make Ron do it.

ME: Ron, do the disclaimer!

Ron: NO!

ME: *le sigh

ME: Alright, you asked for it.

ME: *Uses alchemy to turn metal hand into a dagger

ME: Harry do the disclaimer. Now.

Harry: Alright, alright, Jeez, woman, you are scary.

Harry: The Slytherin Alchemist does not own me. Or Ron or Hermione. Or any other fandoms referenced to in here.

ME: Unfortunately.

ME: I present to you...

THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO AT HOGWARTS!

I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.

I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals.

I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmobile, Robin!"

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul are simply coincidental.

I will not refer to the Weasley or Patil Twins as "bookends."

I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

I will not hold my wand in the air before I cast spells shouting "I got the power!"

I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.

I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.

Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.

I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Clause" during the Christmas Holidays.

I will not put a Muggle fairy tale book in the History section at the library.

I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.

I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head, and laugh as he tries to reach it.

I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

I will not impersonate Gordan Ramsey in Potions class.

The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

Sending rings to the senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

Insisting that the school acquire computers and network in the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

Calling in the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

I may not have a private army.

I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

I am not the wicked witch of the west.

I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

I will not melt if water is poured over me.

Neither will Professor Umbridge.

I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.

I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

Especially not all of them at once.

I will not try to hock off my old earrings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

He is not to be addressed as Anakin or Kylo Ren.

I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.