It started when a fanfic writer, Ideas265, checked over the genres they had written. What! I didn't write comedy yet! Hmmm... After hours of torture and pondering, an idea popped to their head. Wouldn't it be funny if I made an oneshot about writing oneshots? Lame… What I need is someone vocal. Someone everyone practically knows. Someone like Prussia from Hetalia…
By the brilliant and awesome Gilbert, aka Prussia, and narrated by yours truly, Ides265, we present to you our first Easy Step guide! You—yes, you!—have been selectively chosen to know the secrets of writing an awesome oneshot. Disclaimer: My writing format for this is completely different from my other stories, Gilbert's choosing, and it was hard editing this to that Prussian's approval.
Gil-Hey! I am the awesome star of the show!
Ideas265-Yeah, but it's hard working with you…(sigh) I hope you enjoy this humorous story and tell us what you think. Did Gil force humor in way too much? Was my narrating skills lousy? Does anyone want to read Gil's story? (Please say no)
Gil-Of course peeps would want to hear it~ It's my story, my writing.
Ideas265-Whatever…A huge shout out for Google Translate because for once, I have translations at the end of the story.
Gil-Special shout out for Hidekazu Himaruya, creator of Hetalia! Without him, I wouldn't be as awesome as I am today~
[Gilbert struts into the room, fully equipped with lab coat and surgical mask. Winking into the camera, he pulls his coat off and slaps his mask on the table, digging through the drawers for his notes]
"Hello awesome readers! Me awesome names is Gilbert Beilschmidt. Today, you—yes, you!—have the honor of being taught by me—yes, me!—on how to write an awesome story. By using me awesome tips, you will be become awesome and famous wherever you post your stories. Ready? Let's start!"
[Gil burns his notes with a lighter and the scene fades into darkness]
Step#1: Inspiration
[Gilbert appears with banner over his head. Splattered over it is the word: Inspiration] "You see, as a writer, you must start with an idea! And the awesome me shall show you."
[Scene changes and Gilbert is seen watching YouTube videos]
"Step one of step one, watch your favorite videos over and over until a beefy, wurst of an idea comes to your minds. Let me demonstrate." [The Prussian resumes the video and begins to sing, terribly] "Draw a circle, there's the Earth! Draw a circle, there's the Earth! Draw a circle, there's the Earth! Hello, I'm the awesome Prussia~"
[Scene changes and Gilbert is seen wearing a hat with a light bulb on top]
"But, if you're awesome as me—which is impossible! Ha!—all you need to do is think. Think until your face turns blue from thinking. But don't stop until the light bulb lights up!" [Gil holds his breath and thinks, and thinks, and thinks. When his lips turn blue and his eyes are twitching, the light bulb lights up. Heaving and gasping, he gives a watery smile and thumbs up to the camera] "Sehen! It works!"
Step#2: Research your subject
[Gilbert appears with a dictionary, and he is wearing stolen glasses] "Once you have inspiration, research on your topic."
[In the background, a Swedish fellow mumbles] "Where are my glasses?" [Finger to his lips, Gilbert dashes out of the room, screaming]
[Scene changes and Gil is seen with a camera, notepad, and he is disguised as the Phantom of the Opera]
"If it's a person, you must have your gear ready: One camera for visual aid, one notepad for…well…notes…and a disguise so no one would recognize you. Shhh! The subject is walking in." [Gil hides in the piano as the Austrian, Roderich Edelstein, comes in. Suspicious, he looks around the room before sitting on his piano bench. From inside the piano, Gil whispers to the camera]
"Be very quiet. We are dealing with a Rodrecha Edelsteineas. They are deadly if provoked. Let's see what he does. Remember, only let the professionals do this if you're not certified. I recommend that crazy Belarusian girl, Natalia. She's still hunting for her brother in the Gobi or something. Shhh!"
[Shaking his head, Roderich cracks his fingers and begins to play the Circus Gallop. The piano's hammers beat and bruise poor Gilbert until he can't take it anymore. Bursting from the piano like a jack-in-a-box, he crumbles and falls on top of Roderich, knocking the Austrian out of his seat]
"G-Gilbert, what are you doing inside my piano!"
"Um…research?"
"Stalker…" Roderich mumbles, slapping Gilbert with the Prussian's notepad.
"Stalker is such a harsh word. I prefer intense research on an individual without their consent."
[Unamused, Roderich slaps Gilbert with the notepad again]
[Scene changes and Gilbert is now seen with a Sherlock Holmes' coat and is smoking a wooden pipe]
"If you're writing mystery—hey, make me the star of the book!—you need a Sherlock Holmes' coat and mysteries to follow." [He gestures to the random house behind him] "This house's suspicious, let's go in. Step one, get a hammer and beat down the door. If you don't have one, your leg's good enough." [Gilbert steps back before doing his famous, roundhouse kick to the wooden frame. The doorknob falls off] "Um…in situations like this, show the house you mean no harm. Verstanden?"
[Whispering a German prayer, Gilbert busts the door down with his body and walks in, dusting off his coat, of course. The Pink Panther's theme song begins to play in the background]
"After breaking in, listen for noises." [Gilbert jogs up the house stairs and sees a locked door] "If you see a locked door, listen through the key hole." [Gil sticks his ear by the door and listens. Finally, he hears noise]
"You're the murder! The post doesn't deliver on Sundays!"
"A true mystery," Gilbert whispers, knocking the door down. Lying on the floor and playing a board game, Arthur and Francis argue and argue over who the murderer was.
"This is the culprit, Black Sheep of York," Francis countered, pointing to the butler. "He was making a meal for breakfast. Breakfast is always served fresh and delivered! Why would he make it again?"
"It's the maid! The post doesn't deliver on Sundays!" Arthur hissed.
[Gilbert clears his throat and closes the door, or what's left of it. Going down the stair steps, he whispers into the camera, disappointed] "It was all just a board game." [Sigh]
[Scene changes and now Gilbert is seen with a poll sheet on his clipboard]
"Or, if you're those smarty-types, you can do an article about me! Just kidding! Maybe ein article of which of the Vargas brothers is the secret maniac of the duo." [Passes the clipboard to Lovino Vargas] "Out of you and Feli, which one is close to climbing upside on the roof?"
[Pushes the camera back] "What are you trying to say about my brother?"
[Noticing the feisty Italian's clenched fists, Gil changed the subject] "Heard any good insults lately?"
"You can't help but look hideous, and I can't help staring at you when you notice."
"Where've you heard that from?" [Gil takes the camera and points it at Lovino's face. Smirking, the Italian's fist shatters through the lens]
[Scene changes and Gil is seen with an eye-patch and with a smile—some of his teeth are knocked out] "Got your research? Right, let's get to the next step."
Step#3: Gain valuable background on said subject
[Gilbert appears with a sack of Monopoly money] "Most importantly, you must gain valuable background info on your subject. It's like…you need money to make it rain!" [Jumping onto a desk, Gilbert makes it rain money] "When you're awesome like me, you can tell the clouds what to rain."
[Disclaimer captions appear below the screen] Please, whatever you do, don't tell the clouds to rain money. Water is an important natural resource for all of us. And, the clouds were so stubborn that it took weeks until they finally rained water. Don't worry. Gil learned his lesson.
[A scene where Gilbert is lying in a sandbox, somewhere] "Water…water…I can boil an egg out here…Wait! Is that a rain cloud? Nein, it's a money cloud…"
Step#4: Find your target audience
[Disclaimer captions appear below screen] Because Gilbert is suffering from serious dehydration, our lovely crew made an easy-to-follow chart for you.
Children—Sunshine and rainbows with sprinkles of magic and good deeds so they won't grow up as criminals.
Teens—Romance, back stabbings, a light touch on certain words, and a good story. Kiddy stories don't cut it up here.
Adults—If you story doesn't fall in the Children or Teens category, it goes here. Enough said.
Step#5: Write
[Into the writing life of Gilbert Beilschmidt]
Was it one in the morning or two? Heck, Gilbert didn't know. He was weaving an awesome story between his aching fingers. Lots of details in play and he had his notes close by as reference. Thanks to his best friend, Francis Bonnefoy, he finally had a character for his mystery/romance story. He brushed his bangs back. Then, he heard the quiet tiptoes of his brother, Ludwig, as he opened the door.
"Gilbert, go to sleep. It's three a.m.," Ludwig yawned, hugging his pillow. "I can hear you type from three blocks away." Gilbert stopped typing, and Ludwig noticed his older brother's fingers started to twitch. "Gil, are you okay?" Body trembling, Gilbert turned around, flashing his little bro a creepy grin—now this is what nightmares are made of.
"I'm writing a story. Do you want to read?" Eyes twitching, Gilbert threw back a laugh that made the hairs on Ludwig's neck stand.
"I'm g-going now. Goodnight—I mean—Good morning, G-Gil." Ludwig stepped back and closed the door as quietly as possible. Looking around, Gilbert licked his lips. He leapt and grabbed a can of soda from the corner of his room. Nursing the drink, he mumbled,
"Dang, I'm still on my first sentence. I need a drink…"
Step#6: Edit, let someone read it, and edit some more
"Well? What do you think?" Gilbert asked, eagerly. His publisher, a stony man, smacked Gilbert with a ruler.
"What in the world is this?! I asked for a newspaper article!" Spit was flying, desks were being flipped, and young Gilbert was thrown out of the window.
[Hold up…rewind. This is what really happened]
Gilbert drummed his fingers against the counter, tsking. His Starbucks coffee was way overdue. It'd been ten minutes! Fuming, he leaned against the wall, looking over the story he wrote last night. Was it worthy of being in a newspaper? Who knows? It was total drivel and a waste of time for a smart-mouth client. The counter bell rang.
"We have strawberry frappe for…Bells-Mint?" the employee pronounced, uncertain.
"That'd be me," Gilbert called, grabbing his drink. Taking a sip, he nearly spat it out when he glanced over at the employee. Beautiful brown hair tied into a ponytail and her eyes…they didn't look away from his red ones. The name Lizzie Héderváry was signed on her nametag. "Uh…" For once in his life, Gilbert was speechless.
As a writer, he knew falling in love at first sight was a total cliché, but hey, he was part of it right now. Adjusting his collar, Gilbert dashed out of the shop. Heart, stop beating so loud! He could feel the bloody organ wanting to leap out of his chest and fly like cupid. Stupid organ…why do you have to make me feel this way?
"Wait, Bells-Mint!" It was that voice. It was her. Skidding to a stop, Gilbert saw Lizzie running towards him. He could feel the adrenaline rush. Hallucination or not, he swore he heard wedding bells in the distance.
If he could control his legs, he would to run to Lizzie, sweep her off her feet, and plant a kiss on those lips. Nope. In real life, Gilbert stood where he was like a statue from the Dynasty era. Hacking air into her lungs, Lizzie dropped papers into Gilbert's sweaty hands.
"You forgot these." Again, she was looking into his eyes. They didn't dart away from his red ones but glistened with curiosity.
Clearing his throat, Gil mumbled, "Beilschmidt, that's my last name."
"Well, your story was really good. I can't wait to read more."
Step#7: Publish and enjoy
Gilbert: If you liked my tutorial subscribe to the awesome me and tell me what tutorial you want. Tschüs~ [Second later] Is the camera still rolling? No? Good. I'm going to watch anime.
German translations:
Sehen! -See!
Verstanden?-Got it?
ein-an
Nein- No
Tschüs~-Bye~
Pronunciation
Rodrecha Edelsteineas- Rod-wreck-a Ed-el-styne-e-us