When the Night Falls
It's the middle of the night when she stands before his door. He's not surprised. After all, it's in the dark of night when their demons come out; taunting and whispering. Guilt, fears, broken promises, regrets; everything they usually keep resolutely hidden. There's no room for that in the Survey Corps. No one knows what the next hour or even the next second will bring. Death is always lurking in a corner, ready to strike.
Levi swallows and feels a chill run down his back. He steps aside and gestures her to come inside.
She nods curtly and steps past him into the half-lit room. Levi takes in the dark circles under her eyes, the dark shadows cast by the candlelight dancing on her worn features. Her hair and clothes are a mess. Not that that's all surprising. It's her after all.
But he knows; this is different.
She sighs and sits down on his bed. "Also couldn't sleep?"
He shrugs. "Not really."
They stay silent for a little while, he standing by the now closed door, and she sitting on his bed, fiddling with a strap of her jacket.
"Levi... I..." she trails off, avoiding his eyes. "I don't know if I can sleep ever again." The words come out in a rush, and a laugh escapes her lips. But there is nothing funny about this whole situation. It's a hollow laugh. And if Hange is honest, crying would be a better option right now. The shadowed room around her blurs.
Shit, she didn't come here to cry or anything. She only couldn't sleep. And that's nothing unusual. Right?
And besides, if she would cry, Levi would only complain about all the snot and tears she would produce. She could already hear his annoyed voice in her head.
She laughs again. It sounded somewhat hysterical in the otherwise silent room.
The bed beside her dipped. Levi settled himself next to her, leaning forward, clasping his hands between his knees. "Couldn't sleep, huh."
She nodded tightly, her eyes burning now. She bit her lip, hard.
Shit. Was she really going to cry? Right here? Hange prayed Levi would make a shitty joke or something. Anything to help her to get rid of this suffocating feeling—the weight that seemed to pull at her whole being, leaving no room to breathe.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
She heard him sigh, and suddenly, an arm encircled her, and a steady hand grabbed her shoulder.
Levi pulled her against him.
"Wha-"
"Just do whatever you have to do." He paused for a moment, not looking at her. "It's just me you know."
And Hange cried.
Levi sat just beside her. Holding her while she crumbled. He said nothing. Nothing could make this better. For none of them.
The moment he had opened that door and saw her standing there, he knew she was close to breaking. Levi knows that feeling.
In that instant, she seemed so fragile. And he didn't like that. Deep down, it scared him. The weak die easily. It was a taunting whisper in the back of his head.
Shut up! He grits his teeth. It's the night time; it's the moment when their demons decide to come out and play. He knows that all too well.
Beside him, Hange has calmed down somewhat. Sobs diminished to quiet sniffles. She's trying to pull herself together.
After a few more moments, she pulls away. Wiping her eyes and nose with the back of her hand.
"Hope you didn't get any snot on me," he grumbles and pulls out a handkerchief and holds it out to her.
Her earlier thoughts about him complaining about snot and tears surface. She can't help the giggle that escapes her mouth.
Levi raises an eyebrow at her.
"Thanks." She nods and takes the handkerchief from him and begins to clean up the mess on her face.
They sit in silence again while she tries to make herself a little more presentable.
Hange holds out the used handkerchief to him, but he makes a disgusted face and waves at her with his hand. "You can keep that thing. Burn it or something."
She shrugs and stuffs it into the pocket of her jacket.
"Feeling better?" Levi is not looking at her but at some invisible point on the wall.
"...Yeah. A little. Uhm, thanks for that." She rubs her neck.
He nods. "Okay, good."
She studies him. Levi is still not looking at her. She notes the dark shadows under his eyes. He looks tired. Exhausted. Levi always goes on just a few hours of sleep, but this is different. It's different for all of them. For the few that are left.
She swallows thickly and doesn't want to think about how he must be feeling. Now that-
Her thoughts are interrupted by Levi calling her name.
He looks at her, one eyebrow raised again. "Is there something on my face?"
She laughs, and to her relief, it's not hollow this time.
"No no, it's nothing." Hange wipes her hands on her pants and stands up. "I think I will try again with the whole sleeping thing."
For a moment Levi seems wanting to say something, but he only nods and stands up too.
At the door, she turns toward him. "Hey, Levi." She pauses. "You could try it too, once in a while. Crying. It's healthy, you know. And you'll feel better after."
He grimaces. "Don't make stupid jokes now. You really should go to bed soon, your brain isn't functioning properly anymore, saying all this shit."
A slight smile plays on her lips. "Yeah, well, maybe you're right." And she turns around, opening the door to the shady corridor.
"Night, Levi."
And with that, the new commander of the Survey Corps steps into the shadows of the corridor and makes her way to her own room.
They would proceed forward, no matter what. It was their duty to honor their fallen comrades. Make their sacrifices count.
It was their duty as the living.
All the mistakes are mine.