(For Ollie, whom we love!)
***
Morgana woke with a cry, rather turned on and just a trifle annoyed. Honestly, if Arthur would just give in to his latent homosexual urges and do Merlin like he'd been wanting to for fucking months now they'd all be sleeping a lot better.
Not that she didn't enjoy the dream, in fact if she was quite honest with herself she thought it was bloody fabulous and would quite happily endure it for the rest of her days. However the idea that it would at some point come true and then later on she might get to see Arthur and Merlin doing it like rabbits all over the castle was vastly more exciting.
Except of course, Arthur seemed to be quite determined he didn't actually like boys and kept insisting on trying to feel up the serving maids and such. Now if she could convince him that his destiny (and heart and loins, and other portions of his anatomy) most certainly lay with Merlin then they could definitely get to the sex bit a whole lot faster.
***
"So, what you're trying to tell me is I should have sex with Merlin?" Arthur's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, voice thick with disbelief. Really, Morgana couldn't figure out what part of this he didn't understand.
"I'm not saying you should have sex with Merlin, I'm saying you must have sex with Merlin" Arthur pursed his lips and looked dubious about the whole idea.
"You remember all those times I dreamt about you dying?"
"Unfortunately" Arthur grated out his reply in annoyance. He was entirely too self confident really, she would have thought a near death experience or two would have sorted that out by now.
"Well they came true didn't they? Or almost anyway. The point is, I dreamt you were having sex with Merlin so you have to do it. Soon, if you don't mind"
"No! I absolutely can't fuck my manservant!" At this point he began throwing heavy metal things around his head and Morgana decided it was about time to leave really.
***
Merlin wasn't exactly full of enthusiasm for the idea either. He of course had significantly less heavy metal things to throw, but that didn't stop him from trying.
"I don't want to have sex with that prat! He'd change his mind halfway through and have me burned at the stake!" Merlin did seem to be overly concerned with his death at Arthur's hands. A bit too much in Morgana's opinion, but if Arthur wanted to follow up the sex with a bit of murder, well that was hardly her business.
"But I really think it would be a good ide-"
She woke up some time later on the floor of Gaius' room with no memory of how she got there.
***
Clearly the problem of how to get Arthur and Merlin to do the horizontal tango was going to be harder than Morgana first anticipated.
She couldn't ask Uther for help, since the very idea of the single perfect fruit of his loins laying with another man might possibly cause him to have a massive coronary, or order her sudden and painful death, and she sincerely doubted Gaius would be much more help.
Gwen was all for the idea, even with the awkward and somewhat confusing crush she had on Merlin. Actually for someone so obviously and painfully in love with the young wizard she was remarkably enthusiastic about setting him up with Arthur.
***
Morgana was surprised indeed when Merlin came crashing into her chambers blithering about dragons and destiny and threw himself at her feet begging for her help. Apparently (god only knows how) he had finally gotten the idea in his head that having sex with Arthur would be really smashing and could they get on making that happen right away please?
"You didn't seem so keen on the idea when I mentioned it before" She wass somewhat smug about it really, the way he came crawling back to her.
"Well the sla- uh, someone kind of implied it was my destinyand since he has a record of being right I figured it couldn't hurt, you know, to give it a try?" His voice went peculiarly high on the last word, and she stuffed a fist in her mouth so as not to laugh hysterically at him. Once she'd calmed down sufficiently they got to the business of making it happen.
"Well in my dream it's definitely Arthur who starts it all so we really ought to convince him that he'd like to kiss you quite a lot" Merlin looked confused.
"But he doesn't want to kiss me at all" Morgana thought carefully about that.
"Of course he does. He'd like to kiss you very much, he just doesn't realise it yet"
"Riiiight. And after the kissing bit he might like to do other, er, things too?" There was a long silence whilst Morgana played that particular part of the dream over in her head. Yes, Arthur would definitely like to do other things, she was completely certain of that.
"Yes, yes he would. But first you'll have to convince him"
So began the great plan to get Merlin into Arthur's hose.
***
Morgana was a stickler for getting things right the first time, so it was only natural she'd hide behind the curtain and monitor Merlin's attempt to seduce Arthur.
It hadn't gone very well. For a start Merlin wasn't very good at following directions, and though his 'seductive voice' was enough to make even Morgana weak at the knees (and she didn't care to think of him that way thank you very much) it had not achieved the desired effect on Arthur-
"What the hell is wrong with your voice?" Merlin smiled through his lashes and promptly knocked Arthur's shield to the floor.
"Oops" He managed to look sweet and coy and pout his lips just oh so right and damn it Arthur just stared like the dense git he was. Morgana would give him credit later for his perfect execution of the 'bend and snap' move even if it had been totally uneffective.
At that point Merlin deviated from the script.
"Do you need anything else sire?" Morgana froze behind the curtain, her heart full of horror. She'd told him not to stray, told him the way she'd seen it. The way it had to be.
"My sword needs polishing" For a moment Merlin was completely dumbstruck, before he yelped and ran from the room, leaving Arthur looking a great deal confused and his sword still unpolished.
Morgana cussed silently.
***
To say Morgana was upset with Merlin was like saying Uther found magic mildly annoying.
"You were supposed to follow the script! It was really easy, you bend over, Arthur jumps your bones!" Merlin pouted.
"Well I did and he didn't. It isn't my fault if he's a complete and utter prat and won't admit how utterly charming and devilishly handsome he finds me!" Morgana sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.
"You ran away Merlin! How are you supposed to fuck him rotten if you can't even handle a little innuendo?" All she got for her trouble was a filthy glance and smouldering silence.
"I swear, we just, we have to try again is a-"
The second time she woke on Gaius' floor she began to wonder if Merlin had just a few anger management issues.
***
For a long time, Merlin refused to try seducing Arthur again.
Apparently destiny wasn't so important to him after all, though she caught him more than once staring wistfully at Arthur, and almost as often (but not surprisingly at all) Arthur returning said stares.
God, men were so dense.
Morgana had quite decided if they didn't man up about it and get to the hot, sweaty, passionate frenzy of sex and man love quite soon she might just go insane. That damn dream, every night, for three straight weeks. It was like living in her own special hell.
Luckily, Lancelot was visiting Camelot, and Morgana knew he would be the perfect partner in crime.
***
Lancelot was all too willing to aid in the forcing together of Arthur and his manservant, once offered generous compensation from Gwen. Morgana thanked her profusely for that later.
"They definitely like each other. Well, Merlin does at least, but Arthur isn't exactly subtle about his sexual conquests. He wants to hit that" Lancelot looked somewhat dubious about the whole idea.
"The thing is, when I met Merlin, I couldn't tell what he liked, or if he liked, of if he had anything to like with. I'm just supposed to believe he wants to rub himself against Arthur?" Morgana sighed and wished, not for the first time, that she could show her dreams to others.
"Yes, alright. Now your job is to flirt shamelessly with him until Arthur gets jealous okay? Just don't push it too far, or he might have you beheaded or something" She carefully ignored his sudden look of horror. Gwen patted his leg sympathetically.
"She's teasing. He wouldn't have you beheaded. Burned at the stake maybe-"
***
From across the banquet hall Morgana had the perfect view of her pet project unfolding. Lancelot, for all his silly being beheaded fears, had done a spectacular job flirting with Merlin (stupid hat and all) and Arthur was looking quite suitably pissed off indeed.
So much so, in fact, that after his third refill he had forcibly dragged his manservant from the hall and disappeared into the night with him. Morgana had followed stealthily, just to make sure, of course.
"What the hell are doing? Have you any idea what my father would have done to the both of you if he knew?" Merlin looked absolutely baffled.
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh don't start. Just admit it, you're shagging Lancelot. Everyone in the whole damn hall probably figured it out, the way you two were behaving" Morgana was forced to admit at this point that Merlin had style. He might not have had Arthur's training since birth, but he landed a mean punch right smack in the prince's scowling face.
"Merlin, what the FUCK?" Arthur yelled and held his nose which was bleeding quite steadily, blood leaking through his fingers and spattering down his tunic and onto the grass at their feet.
"Shit!" Arthur turned and stalked back towards the castle, Merlin hot on his heels. Morgana went to find something to kick.
***
Somehow, despite Arthur's bruised face and Merlin's bruised knuckles, the incident was kept secret. Eventually both wounds healed and no-one was any the worse for wear, except perhaps Lancelot who had promptly left Camelot the next morning.
Morgana in the meantime had become completely sleep deprived, horrifically afraid of closing her eyes for even a moment lest she be assaulted with images of Arthur and Merlin shagging each other rotten. The lack of sleep had the unfortunate side effect of making her quite irritable, and just a bit snappy.
"Oh for christ's sake, just fuck already!" She had bellowed one morning, as Merlin and Arthur gazed at each other in a more-than-strictly-platonic manner. They'd just stared after her gaping as she stalked away.
She still kept up hiding behind Arthur's curtain sometimes, when she knew Merlin would be there, just in case something should happen. She wouldn't miss it for the world.
***
When they finally did it she could have cried.
She had hidden behind the curtain (though it did seem somewhat pointless by that time), and despite being exhausted was quite pleased when Merlin had trooped in behind Arthur.
"Honestly Merlin, do you ever stop complaining?" Arthur snapped playfully at his manservant. Morgana stifled a yawn, jolted to attention when Arthur's shield clattered suddenly to the floor.
Arthur licked his lips as Merlin bent to retrieve it and Morgana forced herself not to cheer from her hiding place.
"God, I've never met anyone so clumsy" Arthur murmured, his voice low and husky.
"S-sorry sire" Merlin swallowed loudly, holding the shield as if it would protect him from his amorous prince. "It was an accident-"
"Oh do shut up" Arthur breathed and threw himself bodily at Merlin. Unfortunately, Morgana from her place behind the curtain could not see the two men, but she heard the sighs and whimpers and the sound of flesh against flesh.
"Arthur" Merlins voice was husky and ragged and Morgana shivered with delight. She remembered this part, and the next-
"-wanted you for so long-" Arthur, gasping and panting, and by the sounds of it working desperately at Merlin's clothing. "-mine, make you mine-" There was the muffled noise of two bodies hitting the soft furs on Arthur's bed and Morgana closed her eyes in absolute bliss and listened happily to the sounds she'd heard in her dreams for so, so long.
***
When she woke with a start and saw daylight was streaming through the window, she realised with sinking horror, that she'd missed the whole damn thing. It was of course, unspeakably unfair, she'd only spent months having that damn dream and the real thing must have been infinitely better. Still, they'd finally done the dirty and that was all that mattered.
So when she had been forced to sneak past silently so as not to wake the two slumbering men (they were cuddling! she thrilled) it seemed completely worth it.
"Morgana" She froze at the door, the latch open beneath her hands. Turning slowly, she met the gaze of Merlin, draped over Arthur's sleeping body.
"It was good. More than good, actually. Thanks" He smiled at her, and she nodded and slipped through the door.
"Oh and Morgana?" His voice trailed behind her as she closed it. "You snore. Really, really loudly " Cheeks flaming, she fled to her chambers with the sound of Merlin's laughter ringing in her ears.