"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse"
Cinnamon colored curls swayed in the cold wind. Was she thinking clearly? Absolutely not. Her thoughts were as clouded as the billowing cloud that came from her mouth as she panted. Her hands were beginning to feel numb and she mentally berated herself for forgetting to bring gloves. But then again, she did mention she wasn't thinking clearly. She hadn't slept in three days though it felt like three weeks and the bags under her eyes persuaded people to think it had been longer as well. Her breath was shaky as she tried her damnedest to remain composed. She walked quickly and purposefully. So much so that anyone who passed her by would have not even bothered to fuck with her. Then again, nobody would pass her by since it was almost 2 am and in her neighborhood filled with mostly elderly couples and middle schoolers, everyone was asleep. She began to pull out her phone, calling him once, twice, and then three times. "437-867-5309 is not available to answer your call right now. Please leave your message at the-" She hung up the phone, huffing and shoving her red, cold hands into her coat pockets and quickening her pace. "Clare Edwards, notorious for doing things out of character like trying to catch a fucking-" her talking to herself was cut short by the sound of her phone ringing. Her heartbeat sped up and with shaky hands, she pulled out her phone; She was hoping more than anything it was his name that popped up on her screen. Instead, it read 'Mom' and Clare frowned, declining the call and continuing on her trek.
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
It didn't take too long for the reality of the situation at hand to hit Clare. She wandered and even though she had a destination, walking was not the means of transportation to be taken. It was cold and her cheeks were red, her lips were dry, and her hands felt numb yet here she was, determined to go see him. She was not thinking straight. Not even a little bit. Tears streamed down her face and Clare couldn't figure out if it was just because of the cold winds or because she had never felt so lost before. These were the first tears she'd shed in months. All of this excitement and anxiety was the most she's felt in months. That's what had her so confident. She was finally feeling something, so it had to be the right thing for her to do. After weeks of being numb, going through each day feeling so empty that every event was starting to blur together, she was finally feeling again so she had to follow through with this. Her world had become so dull. Her favorite sounds and songs began to sound like static from an old radio, her favorite colors, those so vibrant they could blind you, became just black and white. Everything around her was starting to get it's color back after months and the brunette was not going to let it stop now. Her tears brought warmth to her cheeks, even if only for a moment before the wind hit the stream and cooled her cheeks once again. Clare looked at her phone, seeing herself in the dark screen and looking just how she thought she did...terrible. She sighed and called herself a cab, sitting on a bench until the taxi arrived. Her tears continued streaming down her wind burnt cheeks, as she jiggled her leg up and down impatiently. Fifteen minutes passed quickly, the girl so lost in her thought she barely noticed the bright yellow car pull up and the driver get out to help her with the bag she was lugging along. Clare smiled weakly, sliding the duffle bag off her shoulder and into the hands of the driver. "Thank you so much," the girl muttered, nodding at him. The man flashed a smile, pearly teeth so white that he could be on the cover of a orthodontist magazine and shrugged, "Just doing my job! Get in the car, though. You look like you've been out in the cold for a while." Clare obliged, climbing into the cab. She was sure he did not want to hear why she had been out in the cold for so long, she doubted he cared at all. But she didn't expect him to. She heard the trunk slam shut and soon after, the man climbed into the front seat. "Where to?" he inquired, putting the key into the ignition. "The nearest airport, please."
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
It was a thirty five minute drive and quite a bit of money, but Clare didn't mind. She had practically took out every dime in her bank account just for this trip. She hopped out of the cab, thanking him immensely and grabbing her duffle bag out of the trunk. The girl skipped to the front of the airport, waving goodbye to the taxi driver and stepping into the airport. The warm air hit her as did the chemical smell of floor cleaner. Taking a deep breath to gain some courage, she walked towards the machine where she could print her boarding pass. The closer Clare got to getting on that plane, the faster her heart would be and the more she could feel the adrenaline rushing through her veins. She walked through security, taking off all necessary for her to make it through the scanner without setting it off. The security staff looked exhausted and worn out, but they managed to shoot Clare a smile anyway. A few other people were scattered around the airport, some were sulking and leaning against poles for support while the others were choosing to sleep on the carpet until their flight took off. Clare, on the other hand, chose to buy some candy from the only place that seemed to be open and selling things to eat, since she had forgotten to pack snacks before she ran out of her house impulsively. After sliding the cashier some money and picking up her pile of snacks, she walked lazily to her gate. There were some people waiting there, already claimed most of the seats that were by outlets. Clare snagged one of the only seats left by an outlet and plugged in her phone. Pulling it out for the first time since the taxi ride, she noticed her mother had called tons more times. No calls from him though. Her mom had also sent message after message after message. "Clarebear where r u?" "answer me!" "im clling alli." Clare sighed and read some of the messages Alli had sent her. "Ur mom called r u ok?" "I lied n said u were here. ur welcome." "update me 2moro luv u xox." The pink cheeked girl smiled so wide it hurt. If she believed in God anymore, she would be thanking him over and over for putting Alli Bhandari on this Earth and making her Clare Edward's best friend. She was lucky. And though Clare was ecstatic to have her ass saved by Alli, she could not help but be a little disappointed that Eli was not answering her calls, nor did he text her to see what was going on. It didn't matter, though. She was going to see him after all. Maybe it's better that it was a surprise.
"And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth"
Eli and Clare weren't together. Not anymore. They had broken up not too long ago because of some confusing feelings Clare had faced for another boy. As soon as Eli left for New York, Clare's whole life was put in fast forward. What happened with her and Drew seemed like just a fling, with how quickly the feelings came and went. Days, weeks, months flew by without anything memorable happening. Eli was probably so busy in New York, doing bigger more important things he couldn't even bother to think about Clare Edwards and their on again off again relationships, no matter how intense they were. The thought made Clare's stomach sink and for a second, she thought about going back home. Calling a cab and having it drive her back to her house or rather, Alli's house where she would climb in through Alli's window and cry herself to sleep. Thinking about how close she had gotten to doing something her heart and gut told her to, but she chickened out. How life would go back to normal, as if Clare's trip to the airport never happened and how she would fall back into a numb routine that she would maybe never snap out of. She couldn't bring herself to get up out of that chair and head towards the airport doors. She just couldn't. So Clare Edwards sat still, her ass practically glued to the chair, her hands gripping the armrests as if she had to forcefully keep herself from getting up and making a run for it. She took off her coat, letting it fall behind her as she scanned her wrists for hair ties. "Oh thank goodness..." the girl muttered, pulling her cinnamon tendrils into a tiny ponytail to get it out of her eyes. What was she thinking when running out of her house after listening to angsty music that always made her think of him? What made her decide to buy last minute tickets to New York just to see him? Was she still in love with him? Of course she was. Eli Goldsworthy had Clare Edwards wrapped around his finger as soon as he met her. She was a goner and everybody knew it. When the youngest Edwards sat back and thought about it, though...she had to be realistic. Eli was probably over her, probably busying himself with studies and a job, maybe even a pretty girl that was the polar opposite of Clare. Clare painted the new girl out in her head. She'd have a unique name, not something as plain Jane as Clare. Maybe her name was Phoenix or Clementine. She would be smart, genius even, and she would have the same dark, sarcastic wit as her counterpart. She'd probably have pretty hazel eyes and straight blonde hair. Maybe she was reasonable and didn't do things impulsively. She knew how to keep Eli calm. She wasn't the mess that is Clare Edwards. That's probably what Eli would like about Phoenix or Clementine so much. The more Clare thought about it, the more she wondered 'Is it too late to turn back?' Just as she went to check the time, a voice over the intercom told people to start lining up to board the plane. There weren't enough passengers to separate it into class 1, class 2, etc. So everyone lined up at the same time. As she handed her boarding pass to the lady behind the desk, the attendant smiled sweetly and squeezed Clare's hand, "Try to get some rest during the flight, hun. You look like you've had a rough night. Enjoy your flight." Clare didn't know whether to be offended or flattered that someone had bothered to care about her at all, so she just nodded and shot a half smile back at the lady before walking onto the plane. It didn't take her long to find her seat which was towards the front. She took the window seat, as her ticket said she should. Buckling up and getting comfortable, Clare looked out the window. Nothing too interesting to see. She shut her eyes for a bit and Clare wasn't even awake for the plane taking off.
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
The rough plan landing shook her awake and she wiped at her eyes groggily. She looked around her, her mind reeling from the nap she took and how it just was not long enough to rejuvenate her. She got out of her seat, grabbing her duffle bag from the top compartment and making her way down the aisle behind everyone else who had already filed out before her. She looked around the New York airport, feeling out of place but at the same time feeling relieved. She was also thankful that not many people were around to see how disgustingly tired she looked. The hoodie clad girl made her way through the crowd, slipping her coat back on her frame as she did so. She was thankful that she knew where he lived so she didn't have to beg a native New Yorker for directions and they would think she was weird because it was five in the morning and it was still dark out and she looked as if she was insane. Maybe she was. Her hair had wiggled its way out of the tiny ponytail as she tossed and turned on the plan, resulting in a lost hair tie and hair wilder than before. She ran a hand through her curls in a sad attempt to tame them and walked on. His apartment was only a couple blocks away from the airport which was good news for Clare who was ready to just climb into bed. That is, if Eli didn't kick her out of his apartment. She was getting too far ahead of herself. If she was being honest with herself, she didn't know what to expect of him. Would he be happy to see her? Upset? She had to clear her mind somehow. She was getting antsy. She just needed to know what he was thinking, she needed to get all of this off her chest. She couldn't think up an entire speech for him, she couldn't preplan this. This needed to be impulsive and spontaneous. Two things Clare Edwards usually isn't. The brunette stormed out of airport and turned left, crossing a street that she was sure would be flooding with people if it were daytime. She walked hurriedly, the sun still down due to it being wintertime. It was colder in New York, surprisingly. Just not as windy. She only was one block down when her face started to sting again. Clare walked with haste, her breathing picking up as she did so. Not because she was tired out but because the closer she got to seeing him, facing him, for the first time in months, the harder it was to even catch a breath. Two blocks down. Cars starting to rumble past her making a morning commute to work.
"Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I..."
Three blocks down, the sun hadn't even begun to rise but breakfast restaurants started to open up and let some early risers in for coffee and pancakes. Four blocks down, the apartments were in sight but not yet in reach. Heart rate quickening she could hear it loud and clear. Five blocks down, she was so close to being there. The back of her mind, her thoughts kept flickering to "is it too late to turn around and go home?" To which Clare mumbled aloud, "yes it's too late to go home, stupid. Much too late." This is the first time she hasn't chickened out of something she felt was right. Clare did a little cheer in her head; 'Go you, Clare Diana Edwards. Finally sticking to your gut. Congratulations. I guess there is a first time for everything.' Six blocks down, she had finally made it. She was at the doorstep of Eli's apartment. Her heart was hammering against her ribcage and her eyes welled up with tears once more. A string of curse words coming from her mouth when she found that the main door was locked. "Way to think things through, Edwards." she murmured. She found herself crying again and wiped angrily at the tears falling down her face. This whole trip had been an emotional roller coaster that she wasn't ready for. But here she was. Someone walking out of their apartment saw her and rushed to the door, opening it for her. "You okay?" they asked, worry lacing their voice. Clare pursed her lips and nodded stiffly, "Y-yeah. I'm fine. Forget my key again," she chirped, trying hard to keep her voice from cracking. She gave a dry laugh. The stranger frowned a little but didn't bother to ask any questions and just let Clare find her way to wherever her destination was. Though there was an elevator available for her to take, she decided against it. She took the stairs so maybe it would give her time to compose herself a little bit before having to face him. But with each step Clare took, she cried harder.
"Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I..."
She finally made it up to the third floor. Tears still rolling down her cheeks. She was sure her eyes were puffy from crying. Today just wasn't her day. The past few months hadn't been too good to her either. Room 308. She stood before it, her knees giving at beneath her and she fell to the floor. She'd been on her feet all day, storming from her house to ten blocks away and on a bench where she called a taxi, pacing around the airport finally landing in the states where she would walk another six blocks just to end up on the doormat in front of her exes apartment. She originally came her to confess all she was feeling to him but she didn't even know how he would respond. She felt so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She leaned her back against his door, hitting her head softly on the door as she beat herself up. "You're such an idiot, Clare. You dragged your ass her for what?" The brunette was racked with sobs once again, "Stupid," her head hitting the door, "stupid, stupid," bang. bang. "Stupid Clare Edwards. So stu-" The door opened and Clare had to catch herself before she tumbled back over the threshold. She stood up and faced the man she'd been longing to see. She couldn't look him in the eye. The girl stood up and looked down, tears falling from her eyes to the carpeted floor outside his apartment. "Clare? I-" he began. Clare just giggled softly and fakely, "Hi." "Come on in, Edwards." Eli said, stepping back and gesturing to his apartment, welcoming her inside. "Thanks." she whimpered, stepping into his house and looking up at him for the first time since he had opened the door to her crying on his doormat. His hair was shaggy, as always. He was surprisingly not clad in all black but instead no shirt and some pajama pants. It seemed she had awoken him. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry." Eli nodded and then shrugged, "It's not a big deal. Sit down, take off your coat, stay a while." He felt awkward, but Clare showed up on his door sobbing and he wasn't going to make her feel awkward when it seemed she had gone through enough. It's not every day that the love of your life shows up at your doorstep out of the blue. Clare followed Eli's instructions, stripping off her coat and sitting down on the couch. "Clare, I don't mean to rush you but-" the shaggy haired boy started to say before Clare cut him off with a hand. "Yeah, yeah I know. I'm getting there it's just-" Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. "It's been a while. Seeing you kind of-it kind of sucks." Eli was taken aback. It sucks? To see him? Why? "Sucks? I don't follow...if you didn't want to see me why are you here?" Clare just shrugged, "I'm here because I needed to see you. I need to get all this off my chest." Eli's heart started to beat pretty hard, caterpillars in his stomach hatched from their cocoons and the butterflies fluttered. "Clare are you pregnant?" he inquired, his eyes wide with worry. "No, Eli, no. Don't be stupid." Clare exclaimed, frowning at him. "Look. I'm here because..." the brunette took a deep breath, "I'm here because ever since you left. The color from my world has been gone. Everything has been black and white and moving so quickly and I feel empty. I feel hollowed out inside. You could knock on my side and I'd probably echo. I don't want to sound clingy and say you're the light of my life or some cheesy shit like that but-you made things interesting for me. You made me recognize a whole other side of my self I never even knew existed. I just-there's no way I'm over you, Eli. I don't think I ever will be unless you tell me right now to get the fuck over it and that you don't love me anymore. I can't blame you either. I wouldn't love me. You've probably found another girl already." Her insecurities were out in the open and she couldn't think of a time that had happened before with Eli. She thinks he knew she wasn't the most confident being on the planet but she definitely wasn't the kind of person who hated herself. Or was she? The more she compared herself to others, the more she found she wasn't all that special. At least, she didn't think she was. As for Eli, he sat there speechless. His mouth hung open slightly at her confession. Tears still rolled down from her eyes. He got up from his seat on the other side of the room and sat next to her on the couch. He tilted her face up to meet his, wiping her tears with his thumbs. "If I told you I don't love you and that I want you to get over me, I'd be lying," he said, his voice nothing but a raspy low whisper. "No girl could light a candle to Clare Edwards. Trust me." Clare smiled weakly at him, "I'm not all that special, Eli. You're crazy." "For you, maybe," the green eyed boy responded, laughing at himself and Clare joining to laugh with him.
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
"I still love you, Clare," Eli said after the laughter had seized and the couple was silent for a moment. "I still love you too, Eli." Clare replied, sighing deeply. But even with all that out in the open, she continued to cry. "I just-this is the most I've felt in so long. I've been so numb, Eli." the brunette sobbed. He pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her. He pushed her hair out of her eyes with his nose and kissed the side of her face. His touch to her felt electric. It always had. His fingertips tracing patterns on her pale skin, sending shocks through her. She sighed into him, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I haven't felt at home-how do you not feel at home at home, Eli?" she whispered into his neck. Eli shook his head, "I don't know but-I can relate. Do you feel at home now? Do you feel safe and sound and warm and happy?" Clare nodded and he smiled to himself. That smug little smile that Clare would punch him for doing at a time like this. He played with her hair lazily, "Good. That's what I'm here for." She sat up and looked right into his eyes. "I've missed you so much..." "I've missed you more." He kissed her right on her forehead. She buried herself back into his arms and let all the tears out. They were reunited and her world was once again as vibrant as it used to be. All thanks to Eli Goldsworthy.