Authors: frozenalchemy & erasedrainbow
Theme: #1: Photographs.
Once, of what seemed to be years ago, there was their silent love. There were their smiles and endless hope.
This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
But at that moment, there was nothing.
Nothing else beyond the yellow path that never leads to the wizard, nothing but two people from each other's past, looking at the ground.
Afraid.
He can't face her grin. For she left him and for all he knew she didn't want him anymore. So he too left. He left all the photographs to burn on the dirt, and walked away with another. He burned them all, along with the memories of them together.
Except one.
The one picture where she was looking at him with one of those rare smile of hers.
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?
He didn't even bother to try to forget, because he knew, even if he tried to scrape his memory away, it would still be there.
She was looking at him, she waved at the camera, he could tell, even if the inks were faded and stained with scratches and tears. And yet she was there nevertheless.
She never said goodbye, so he acknowledged her wave as a goodbye. She said "I love you", and then "Goodnight". But perhaps, he thought, what she really meant was, "Goodbye".
She was one whose presence was carved into his heart, his veins. Or perhaps it was memories of being with her? He didn't know. And sometimes, he preferred not to. Because it would hurt too much, the thought of that she has moved on with her life without an explanation of why.
And as for him, he was left behind, forgotten.
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagined
I could never feel this way
Sure, it was hard not to be happy, he led a good life, he loved his son. It was impossible not to.
And he loved his wife as well.
But not the way he loved her. And he will never will. More than once, he tried to convince himself, she was good enough. But not as good as she was. She was good enough, but never perfect. He could never look at her without guilt. He could never kiss her without imagining another face in place.
Not that Haruhi was ever perfect.
Haruhi was way too stubborn, and way too dense. She was so full of her "I know what I'm doing, so just don't concern yourself with me" attitude. She would speak of many things, oblivious to his feeling.
Or she would simply ignore him most of the times, as if to pretend that he never existed. But she was honest, she was fragile, weak and strong at the same time.
And he loved her, every side of her, and as much as he tried to deny it, he still does.
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
He knew from long ago, from the day of her unspoken goodbye, that whomever he may marry, however lovely or beautiful or beguiling his bride may be... In the silence of the night, the name unspoken on his lips will always be Haruhi.
He tried avoiding reality, and sometimes, at night, his wife would wake up at the sound of him calling her instead. But she just kept silent. Because she knew, that there was nothing she could do to make him forget about her. If he himself cannot do it, then there was really no point for her to ask him to forget.
It's not like he wouldn't. He just simply couldn't.
This may never start
I'll tear us apart
But he too knew that after all, Haruhi was just a shadow from the past. A shadow that he should just forget, one that had disappeared into the dark, never to return.
Or so he thought.
Can I be your enemy?
But now, on the other end of a yellow brick road, stood not the wizard but a girl. A petite figure with short brown hair and bright eyes, a figure from months and years ago, one that he violently tried to burn out of his thoughts.
The one that he could never forget.
Losing half a year
Waiting for you here
Her hair was slightly longer now, wearing a pleasant matured face, and standing with confidence. She looked straight ahead. Looking at him, it seemed.
She saw him, he saw her.
But he looked down.
I'd be your anything
She looked, and simply stared at him and into nothing at the same time.
He dared not meet her gaze, for if he saw her smile, he was sure that he would walk away.
Like she did, years ago.
She stared at him, the man he is now. And she looked at his presence in her memories from years ago. Both, at the same time.
He looked down, trying to figure whether the footsteps would finally fade, and disappear. For if he saw her, the walking album of his past, he didn't know how he would react.
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
But Haruhi is still Haruhi. And she didn't look down and back away for anything. She is blunt, and she is stubborn.
She knew too that she was scared of many things. She was scared of him, of herself, and of the past. She was scared that he hated her for not saying goodbye.
That he hated her for saying nothing at all.
But she couldn't just run away. Not yet.
She couldn't just turn her back on him after all these years and forget. Because she knew, that she never could.
She never had.
She was scared that things hadn't ended for him, like it never had for her. But at that same time, she too was scared if he'd really move on, and forget about her.
She was a fool, and she knew it.
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
They never really said it was over. It just was. Written with invisible ink on her plane ticket away from him. Spoken in silence every time she dialed his number and was answered with another voice saying that the number is no longer in use.
She was scared.
He looked down, still standing, unmoving. He too, didn't move away. A couple of people passed by between them. They didn't notice, all too oblivious to the world around them. They didn't notice either, the two figures that had finally stopped walking, afraid to look at each other.
They were invisible.
Because at that one moment, it was just the two of them. They were standing in reality, in the present time. It was different than those dreams that he had about her. It was different than from those lonely nights of her when she thought about him and his smiles.
It was different than from those memories. Different than from those photographs that they kept, and those that they burned.
This may never start
Tearing out my heart
I'd be your memory
Because there they were, in distances where they could easily touch each other. Yet they know they couldn't, for to everyone else, they've both moved on.
And suddenly, the wind blew. And they knew. He looked up, and took a step forward. She opened her mouth, hesitated, and then too, walked forward.
She smiled, a wavering smile that she feared would turn into a frown. She looked at him, slightly tilting upwards in fear of letting the tears fall.
But he didn't smile in return. He simply looked.
Because it was hard for him too. Because he was the one left behind. He was the one left alone, with nothing but a simple voice message from the day before, that didn't even say goodbye, and simply a goodnight.
But then again, a real goodbye was never meant to be spoken.
It felt weird. Too weird. Back in those old times, he would put his biggest smile whenever he sees her presence. He would wave, or even shouted hi. But this time, he simply looked.
She knew it was her mistake. She knew, and it hurts her, and yet she smiled anyway.
He nodded back, afraid that his voice would fail him.
A beat of silence appeared.
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings disappeared
Can I be your memory?
What happened?
In those memories, in those photographs, they were the closest friends, or more. They smiled and laughed together.
But to the world now, they are strangers. And all they could do was to nod at each other, drowned in painful silence.
They had much to say, much to tell. She never got to say goodbye, and she never could. She wanted to tell him that she never meant to leave, but what's it worth now that it's been 10 years?
She always assured that it was never a goodbye, because they will meet again, and everything will return to the way it was. But at that moment she knew, it's all too late. What good will it does now that she knows she can never get him back?
He was with another.
While she was somewhere else, chasing her dream.
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
And a small boy waltzed down the yellow brick road, and she was sure. His face was overshadowed with Tamaki's features, and when the boy proceeded to tug his coat, she could only close her eyes and wish it was all a dream.
"Who is it, daddy?"
Maybe it was better to stay oblivious, drowning in memories, hoping for the past, and never knowing about truth of the present time. Because truth hurts, and that was the reason why she lied to herself.
He looked at her for a moment and hesitated. "No one", he replied, and gave a curt bow. Then he walked away, without saying goodbye either. All that she felt was the wind rushing as he passed her side, and she knew that she could do nothing but run. Run away before the tears started falling down. Run away before he could see that she was the defeated one.
And so she ran, and he walked away the other way. When she finally looked back, he was already gone, and the yellow brick road they had stood on was empty.
Now she sat down, cross-legged atop the wooden floor of her apartment. A thick book laid in front of her, opened. Haruhi flipped the telephone directory until she found his name.
How long ago since she called him? Months... years... she could not remember. And whenever she did call him, he never picked up.
The dial tone continued to rang, and she never felt so lonely before.
It wouldn't matter now that it's been long gone. But she needed to hear his voice, now that she'd seen him. Was it hurt that she saw stinging in his eyes, or was it just an illusion?
A reflection of her own pain?
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
But that's alright, she told herself. It's better to know the reality of what's going on, than just staying oblivious in her dream and imagination.
It's okay. It's for the best, she tried to convince herself.
But deep down, she knew it wasn't. She was afraid that he remembered, but she too was afraid that he forgot about her. She stood up, pressing the phone to her left ear. Slowly, a drop of all those pain that she tried to suppress earlier flickered down her cheek.
And somewhere on the other side of town, on the marble floor of a mansion stood Tamaki, refusing to answer the call. He knew it would be her voice speaking, and he could not answer.
Because if he did answer, then it would really be the end of their relationship. Where they could no longer dream of each other, and where they could no longer refuse to believe the reality and choose to stay within the memories that lingered within those photographs.
"You've reached Tamaki here. Sorry I cannot answer your call right now. Please leave a message…"
She sighed, and took a deep breath, "Ne, Tamaki senpai," she began. "I don't know where to start. There are so many things to say, and I just don't know anymore. I saw you a few hours earlier, down the street. Did you see me? Did you see me for who I am right now? Or did you see me as the 15 years old girl from the past?"
She babbled, but continued to talk, because if she stopped she knew that she would not be able to say anything without being bothered by the tears falling down. She hated these tears, she hated crying. She never wanted to show him her fragile state. Never.
She didn't understand what she as saying, or why she was angry at him. She wasn't, she was merely angry at herself. She struggled to suppress the tears.
But tears continued to fall anyway, and she did nothing to stop them.
"I hope you don't hate me for not saying goodbye. Because I never thought of it as a goodbye. I thought you would understand. But I was silly, wasn't I?"
She knew that he was listening at that very moment from the other line of the phone. And so she continued to speak the words she should have spoken years ago.
"It wasn't your fault. Of course it wasn't. I shouldn't blame you for anything. It's me to blame. I convinced myself that it was all for my dream. So that... so that u would be proud of me. I've always wanted you to be proud of me. Have you noticed?"
She paused for a moment, only to take a deep breath and closed her eyes. In the darkness, she could almost feel him, somewhere, in a place she cannot see, doing exactly the same thing.
"Ne, Tamaki senpai," her formerly strong voice broke into a soft whimper. "I couldn't face you. I couldn't tell you directly that I abandoned you for my dream… even if in the end it was all for you. I was silly to think I could come back, ten years later, and that you'd be waiting here for me.
"Of course you wouldn't. After all, you and I, we're from different worlds. I saw you with a kid today. That was your son, isn't he? He looks so much like you."
She drew a breath, taking in all the pain and said, "Now, what am I saying? Of course, it would be your son. I hoped that you didn't just walk away like that, without even a goodbye. But who am I to ask for such a thing?"
She paused again, biting her lips. "I don't know why I'm calling you now, ten years late. It wouldn't make much of a difference. People change, and so did we. But I have to say this, about the promise that we never said out loud… I'll keep it always. Like the memories in those photographs. Did you keep any of them? Or did you burn them? I don't know. But that's alright. Don't answer it. So I can always hope, as I lie to myself that you would always remember me…"
She kept on blabbering. This is so unlike her. Her thoughts usually are short and concise. Well organized and calm. Not like this.
"Take care, Tamaki senpai," she whispered. "Goodbye."
She closed the phone, and screamed in her tears. He kept silent, looking at the phone, and he too, was unable to stop the stream of tears on his cheek. It was final. It was the end that they never decided.
Her voice lingered in the big empty room. She didn't say I love you, or I missed you. And neither did he. Both of them just knew. Words are unneeded. Goodbyes are unnecessary.
He was Tamaki, and she was Haruhi. The word 'they' that once existed, has disappeared. And though they never really said it was over, they both knew that there was nothing more than those photographs, and memories.
This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?
-end-
The song is Memory sung by Sugarcult.
The next drabble will be sweeter, and happier. Maybe.