The wedding had gone on in the typical weird freakishly religious way that everyone expected. Everyone, that is, except Jasper.
"Where's the cake?" he asked, looking around at his now totally lamely transformed house.
"It's over there," Alice said, pointing. "It's gluten free and vegan, and also it's in the shape of Mormon Jesus."
"You serious?" the blonde vampire asked, lowering his aviator shades. She nodded.
"Yep!" she said cheerfully. "Heil!" Apparently the Cullens were also Nazis, because that's just heil-larious. (pun intended. I apologize to all Jewish, Slavic, gay, and gypsy readers.)
"Fuck this shit," he snarled, yanking his leather jacket off the coat hook and getting into his cherry-red Dodge Dart convertible. "Y'all are a bunch of pussies." And he sped off into the sunset.
…
Jasper stomped into the quiet bar. It was as tame as New Orleans got, and it was a hell of a lot better to be back in the South where he belonged. Suddenly an average-looking guy with a terrible haircut (who everyone seems to think is gorgeous) sat down at the bar next to him.
"You're the weirdest looking vamp I've ever seen," he said frankly. Jasper laughed harshly.
"If you're trying to pick a fight, I really don't need this right now," he growled.
"Seems to me you're a man that could really use a drink," the stranger replied. "Here." He passed Jasper a bottle of some red stuff that didn't look at all appetizing, but whatever.
"Thanks," Jasper said grudgingly. "Much obliged." Deciding that he just didn't give a damn anymore, he drank whatever it was. It was surprisingly satisfying.
"I'm Bill Compton," the stranger announced. The two shook hands.
"Jasper. No last name." The two sat in silence for a moment.
"I hear you're from that Dimlight series or whatever," the dark-haired vampire said sullenly. "Total copyright infringement, if you ask me."
"Let me guess," Jasper muttered. "In your version, you spent a lot of time feeling unappreciated, and eventually ended up with the girl."
"Close," Bill replied. "I was the first sucker to happen along. In the end, the Viking won."
"Doesn't he always," Jasper grumbled, grinning. "Would you happen to be in the mood to go out and take down some werewolves?"
"All the time," Bill said with a smirk. They walked out into the night to go do badass stuff.
…later…
"What the fuck just happened?" a handsome young man with blonde hair asked, realizing that he was not, in fact, dead. Instead he found himself bartending at a trendy restaurant.
"You just got vamp'd," a dark-haired guy and what looked like a sparkly gang member shouted, lifting up their glasses. "Join the club!"