Mission Accomplished

September 2016

The hour was upon me, the class I had been looking forward to. I'd seen James be sorted into Gryffindor, and to be completely honest I wasn't surprised, as James Potter definitely fit the parameters for Gryffindor. He was sort of foolhardy, tended to get into trouble (and manage to get my son HR involved on occasion), wasn't afraid to speak his mind and wasn't that fond of school. Now, there he was sitting in the back row in my Muggle Studies classroom with another Gryffindor boy, both of them with their heads together doubtlessly plotting some sort of mischief. I pulled out my battered enchanted notebook that George Weasley had given me years ago, stood up and made my way to the front of my desk. After sitting on the front edge of the desk and looking over the students I made a mental note to talk to Headmaster Titus about scheduling; Gryffindors and Slytherins together for Muggle Studies; what was he thinking?

"Welcome to Muggle Studies, I'm your professor Hank Boyd. Don't worry, I can assure you that I don't mind being called Professor Muggle, I'm quite used to it. To be honest if one of y'all actually call me Professor Boyd it might take me a while to answer. In this class we will…" I took a look at the back of the classroom and noticed that James and his housemate were still talking. Eventually the silence in the room caught their attention and they ceased their conversation. "As I was saying. In this class there will be no need for wands, as the goal of this course is to prepare you for interactions with Muggles, to understand their world, to…"

James and his buddy were back at it, so I stood up and began walking around the classroom. "Again, as I was saying, you will need to understand the world that Muggles live in, so when, and it will be when you interact with them you will be able to do so without betraying the fact that y'all can do magic."

I had made it past James and Other Talking Boy but when I turned around they were back at it yet again. "Mister Potter. Is there something that you and your friend would like to share with the class?"

He looked up at me, and instead of seeing shame or fear at being called out by a professor he smiled and shrugged. Not good.

"So the reason that you're not paying any attention is that you have no idea why you're not paying attention?" I tapped my fingers on the back of a Slytherin girl's chair, making her jump slightly in her seat.

James reached up and loosened his tie. "Um, sorry, Hank…"

"Mister Potter. In this class you will address me as Professor, Professor Boyd or Professor Muggle, but not by my first name." I figured that would keep his mouth shut. It didn't.

"If I use your name wouldn't it be Henry Aaron Mac…"

I sighed. "Five points from Gryffindor, Potter." I walked briskly to the front of the room. "Let's get this straight, y'all. If you haven't heard then let me lay it out for you. I can't do magic except for lighting a few things on fire…"

"Like your pipe."

I stood there with my mouth open. He couldn't shut up. "YES, Potter, like my pipe. Now if you don't shut up…" I shook my head. "I can't do real magic but I CAN tell if anyone uses magic in this classroom and it will be dealt with swiftly and severely. I have no problem giving out feet of parchment for assignments, yes, feet. And don't get any ideas on trying to get one past me about your textbooks because I wrote the damn thing."

The moment the last sentence was out of my mouth all the Gryffindor students immediately began writing on their parchments, which confused me momentarily, but I was mad at James for the interruptions and had to get this class off on the right foot. "This class is to be your introduction to Muggles if you have not spent any time in a Muggle community, or if you have been around Muggles you will begin to understand why they do what they do. And even if I can't do magic I can sure as shit take away house points. I expect your full attention while in class, am I understood?"

I looked over to the back row and yet again James was talking to his housemate. I snapped.

"Goddamnit, James, will you pay attention? Shit, you've been in here for what, five whole minutes and you've already got points taken away and you are…" I held up my hand with two fingers very close together. "…this close to getting a detention on the very first class."

Instead of looking chastened or embarrassed the little shit snickered.

My tone was sarcastic and pissed off when I saw that. "Congratulations, James, you've just earned yourself a detention. Sonofabitch, the first damn class? Ok, y'all, let's use Potter as an example of what not to do. Open your textbooks to page five and…" I looked over the class and picked a Gryffindor girl in the front row. "Your name, Miss?"

"Annie Grublet."

I nodded at the little brown-haired girl. "Everyone turn to page five and Miss Grublet will read the first page. We'll switch after that."

I sat down back at my desk and opened my textbook to look like I was following along but I watched the class instead. Most of the Slytherins, surprisingly, were actually following along, but the Gryffindors, especially at the back of the classroom, weren't paying that much attention. Something was up.

-ooo-

After managing to make it through the rest of the class in decent shape I stopped them with about ten minutes left of the period. "Ok, now that we've gone at least ten minutes without someone losing points or getting a detention, I'll give you the other ground rules. Miss Nichneven, would you please bring me the large book on the top of the bookshelf in the back, please?"

After the Slytherin girl brought me the book and returned to her seat I looked out at them. "As I am sure you have probably heard I have a slight issue with language. Unfortunately it is a habit that I have found very hard to break, so whenever I use a curse word in class I use this book to pay for my misstatements. At the end of the year I take all the money in the book and we have what the students in the past have called the Hogsmeade Swearing Party." Hands shot up all over the classroom, but I waved them down. "Yes, I know as first years you are not allowed to go to Hogsmeade, so I make arrangements and we have a bit of a party here in the castle. Usually one student appoints themselves my, um, language monitor and takes care of things but since this is the first class I don't know exactly what I've said."

James Potter's hand was up like a shot. All of the Gryffindor students looked at him and then quickly turned back to me. The smile on James' face was triumphant.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

He stood up and cleared his throat. "Professor Boyd, today you said damn, Goddamnit, sonofabitch and the word shit two times."

I exhaled sharply. "Fuck."

The class laughed but James held up a finger. "And now you just said…"

"I know what I just said, James. One point to Gryffindor. Potter obviously paid attention to something in class today. I'm glad y'all enjoyed Muggle Studies so much and it has been so entertaining. In fact, I'm so glad I feel like I need to read about it, so how about a half foot of parchment on what we covered in the textbook introduction today? How's that sound? Dismissed."

The entire class groaned and several of the students turned back to give James nasty looks. Mission accomplished. I went to go back to my chair when James stood in front of me.

"Don't you think you've had enough for one day, Potter?"

He smiled and shook his head. "You've got to pay up, Professor. You said we had to follow the rules, and…"

"Fine." I reached into my pocket and deposited some Gnuts and a Sickle in the book and closed the cover. "Happy? Now if I have one more outburst like that I'll be writing a little letter about your activities in class. I'm sure your mom would love to get a letter home so soon, don't you?"

He turned a bit pale, nodded, and hurried out of my classroom.

-ooo-

I sat down next to Cho and Neville at lunch as they were discussing their morning experiences. I didn't even have a chance to say anything before Neville laughed at me.

"Oh Hank, did I hear correctly that you've given James a detention on the first day?"

I nodded. "How'd you…oh yeah, Head of Gryffindor. Yeah, I can't believe him. I mean, Neville, you know that Ginny threatened him within an inch of his life over the summer, why would he do that? I probably should have taken away more points, I mean, he used my name, commented on my pipe, never paid attention…it was like he was trying to get in trouble."

Neville smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Hank, when this happened, did you perhaps say a few curse words?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I let a few slip."

He nodded. "Mission accomplished, then."

I got it. "He was trying to make me cuss."

He took a sip of tea and shook his head at me. "Such a disappointment, Hank. You made James lose a Galleon."

"A Galleon? What do you know, Nev?"

"Well…" He looked over to Cho, who by that time was laughing. "I may have overheard James and some of his friends talking. Apparently he said that he could get you to say the f-word on the first day, and bet a Galleon on it."

I shook my head. "I can't wait for his detention."