It's Martini Time

by Franimal

Hermione does a little too much experimental studying for muggle studies.........A Rug Challenge that I couldn't refuse, a bit slapsticky and dry....... hope you like!

It's MARTINI TIME!

"Uggh.......oooh.....*thump* OUCH!" was the sound of Hermione Granger waking up slightly later than normal on a sunday morning in her wrinkled robes from the day before with her very first hangover. "Damn drawing pin! I am going to kill Lavender! How many of those things did she leave lying a round....spinning..... round...ugh.......OOOF" She suddenly sat back down on her bed. "Oh, my head.." the sense of vertigo which impaired her ability to walk was not showing any signs of wearing off...."I need a head ache cure.....but I don't want to loose my nose like Eloiese Midgen"
It's always a tricky thing when you cast a spell on yourself and the last thing Hermione wanted to do was accidentally remove something. After rummaging around in her pockets for a bit "Wand, broken quill, drawing pin, drawing pin, drawing pin, parchment, drawing pin, sock, ribbon, spellotape, ink bottle, unflattering drawing of Snape, drawing pin....." she was triumphant. "Yes! An aspirin!" with a feeling of gratitude to her muggle mother she washed it down with the remnants of the stale martini on her bed side table and nearly choked it all up when a voice called loudly from the doorway.
"Lo, Hermione are you up yet?"
"Agh, Neville don't shout!"
"I'm not shouting." Hermione groaned and put a hand on her forehead "But anywhoo, I was on my way back to the tower, I forgot the drawing pin that lavender gave me, and I ran into Harry and Ron and they said they hadn't seen you all morning and I was worried so I came up, didn't think anyone would mind if I came up, and saw your door open and I knocked but no one answered and then I heard your voice..........lord.......what's all this?"
He gestured to the empty bottles of booze and the martini glass in her hand.
"I was a little...erm....over enthusiastic with my assignment for Muggle Studies......the 'Martini Time' effect."
"What's that?"
"Well, the way the professor explained it was some Muggles insist that in order to have a good time they must consume large quantitys of alcohol in funny shaped glasses, the shape of the glass determines how much fun they have. One of the most famous glasses are called the Martini glass. It is generally believed that the Martini glass offers the most fun. I was to determine why this belief exists."
"And how did you go about this? Wait no....I think I already know the answer to that" Neville shook his head trying to hold in a chuckle.
"This is not funny! " Hermione glared at him " This is a serious experiment gone wrong! I kept drinking out of the glass figuring that since I am muggle born it would have the same effect on me.......... but the more I drank the less fun I had! Now how am I going to do the report on 'Martini Time'? I keep getting the feeling that I was missing something......"
"You have muggle parents and you don't know anything about this?!?"
"My parents are overprotective dentists, all I know is alcohol rots your teeth!"
"Well if you figure out what went wrong then maybe you can try it again?"
"Well I had the booze....a strong summoning spell took care of that."
"Booze?"
"That's what they call it. Anyway I had the booze.....and the glass...... what else did I need?"
"Hmmm...Gran gave me a lecture on this once, the evils of Muggle drinking, something about an onion keeps nagging me...."
"That's it! The cocktail onion!"
"The what onion?"
"Neville, you are a genius....I gotta go find a jar of onions.....ta!"
And Hermione dashed out the door (tripping on a drawing pin and nearly falling down the stairs) and out of the Gryffindor tower in search of the elusive cocktail onion.

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"Giggle a little faster! I'm in a hurry!" Hermione tickled the pear in the painting hiding the not so secret entrance to the Hogwarts kitchen. Responding to her nagging, the painting swung out a little too quickly and connected firmly with Hermione's forehead. Stunned and in considerably more pain then when she woke up Hermione staggered into the waiting swarm of House elves.
"Dobby, I need Dobby.......where's Dobby?"
"Right here misses, youse dont' look so good youse need to sit down." Dobby then proceeded to half lead half drag Hermione into a comfy chair in the corner by a purple toaster.
"Dobby I..."
"Misses had food yet?"
"Umm... well no actually.. but I.."
"Toast and tea for misses." He said smartly tapping the purple toaster who obliged, spitting out two pieces of oddly colored toast and spraying tea for at least ten feet in all directions.
"Ahhhhhhh!" Hermione jumped up and began to wring out her robe.
"Dobby is so sorry misses ::bang:: Dobby has new toaster ::bang:: It still gots bugs ::bang::"
"Dobby stop!!!" Hermione snatched the now slightly dented purple toaster from his hands. "It's ok, clean up the tea, get the toast off the floor and everything will be fine."
"Good ideas!" In seconds the floor was clean, Hermiones robes were dry (and much better looking), and toast was safely ensconced in dobbys knurled hand.
"Dobby, I came down here because I need cocktail onions."
"Cocktail misses?"
"You know, pickled onions?"
"Oh, ask toaster.... no wait youse isn't using that misses! Let Dobby!" He gingerly held the toaster at arms length and shouted, " Pickled onions!"
To his suprise and Hermione's suprise they were not sprayed with pickled onions, however an 18 ounce glass jar of the aforementioned onions was hurtling through the air at an alarming rate. With the skills and reflexes born of a best friend of a Quidditch seeker Hermione whipped out her wand and barked "Accio onions!" Luck was hers and the jar of onions floated gently into her outstretched hand.
"Dobby thinks that the toaster is fixed!"
"Looks like it, but try it with something else. This time don't shout"
"Butter" The toaster this time softly popped out a butter dish. Kinetic repair had fixed the magical toaster, (all it needed was a good beating to bring it into submission).......but well, no one cared as long as the toaster didn't spray food anymore.
Dobby then reached into his oven mitt turned tie and with a flourish produced a blunt pen knife. He then began to deftly butter the lavender toast.
"You keep stuff in that...oven mitt?"
"Oh yes misses, Dobby is resourceful and is savings the things that peoples is dropping! Here's toast!"
"Ugh, that's ok Dobby, I don't really like toast............"
"Misses mind if Dobby eats it?"
"No, um if you want to go ahead..." Dobby crunched down happily.
"Dobby gots ::crunch:: lots of stuff ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: an unflattering drawing of Master Snapey ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch:: a drawing pin ::crunch :: a broken quill......."
( Two Pieces of toast, the statue of liberty and 14 more drawing pins later)
"......and a pair of socks!"
"Wow..... I need to be going! It's almost time for....something! Thanks Dobby!" Hermione hastily waved her way out of the kitchen.
"Youse welcome mistress!" Patting the now obedient toaster Dobby began to put everything back into his oven- mitt tie.
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Hemione's quest for the cocktail onions had taken up the better part of the day so she hurried down to the great hall hoping to catch Harry and Ron at lunch.
"Hermione!" Harry waved her over to where he and Ron were sitting. "We saved you a seat." Which wasn't hard considering it was still a little too early for lunch and the hall was fairly empty.
"Where've you been?" Ron sighed "We have been looking for you all morning."
"I was down in the kitchens."
At this Ron brightened up a bit "Got any food? I'm starving and lunch isn't for another 10 minutes."
"Nah, all I have are onions and I have to eat then myself."
"Onions?" Harry cocked an eyebrow in her direction.
"Yeah..." She said holding up the jar " McSweet Pickled Cocktail Onions, For the amount I drank last night I think the whole jar should do." She unscrewed the top and popped one into her mouth, she swished it around experimentally and swallowed "Hey these are pretty good, sweet."
"Well they do say 'sweet pickled' on the label" Ron looked cross and hungry.
"Quiet Ron. I can't give you any. This is for my muggles studies class."
"Fine, some friend you are!"
"If you are that hungry then go to the kitchens and get some food!"
"Fine I will!" and Ron stomped off
"That was a little stupid." Harry glanced at Ron as he pushed through the door "We only have a few minutes left to wait."
"Well, let him figure it out. I am too busy to go chasing after him and it isn't your problem. Besides, I have been inside all day and the halls are starting to close in on me, would you like to grab some lunch and go for a walk around the lake."
"Sure, I got a letter from s...nuffles and it says on the outside not to open it in the building...... we can take it with us and read it!"
"Sounds good! Everyone is coming in, eat fast, I am going to eat this whole jar of pickled onions and then we will go."
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"Ugh I don't feel so good." For the fourth time that day Hermione felt seriously ill.
"You probably should have had something else to eat other than 18 ounces of Cocktail Onions."
"I couldn't contaminate my experiment......::burp::......uugghh I just don't see how muggles can find this fun."
"We can stop and sit down in a little bit, I just want to finish walking around this part of the lake.......oooh look a starfish."
Harry picked it up and hurled it into the water, "Poor little guy, he was getting all dried out."
"Harry, firstly starfish do not live in lakes in scotland, secondly there is nothing 'fishy' about starfish they are not fish at all..."
"But there is something fishy about that one look!"
Out in the lake where Harry threw the starfish, several large bubbles were breaking the surface of the water. It began to froth and suddenly a long tentacle shot out toward Harry.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" ::thump:: A very wet, very cold, large lump of something in a purple cloak smacked into Harry knocking the wind out of him and flattening him to the ground. It moved, it groaned and then it stood up shaking out the cloak.
"Which one of you threw me in the water?" Came an angry sounding voice from within the black cowl
"He did....." Hermione was too suprised to do much but stand there.
"Oh my, that's what I landed on! Sorry old chap!" The cloak came off to reveal a small round man with a kind face. He helped Harry to his feet began to brush him off.
"How do you do!My name is Aladocious Alarm-Clock, but please just call me Alan."
He shook hands vigorously with Harry and Hermione. "Sorry for being irritated but how would you feel if someone tossed you in a cold lake, I don't like fresh water anyhow.....thank goodness for the squid, saved my skin!"
"You're an animagus?" Hermione finally broke out of her trance
"Yeah.......... sure, I'm here visiting my Granddaughter Lavender Brown."
"If you are her grandfather and your name is Alarm-Clock why is her name Brown?" Hermione looked confused for once in her life.
"I'm her mother's father, and if you ask me Brown is such a common Muggle sounding name. I like Alarm-Clock much better. It sounds more.... dignified. Are you class mates of hers?"
"Yeah, she's a real nice girl." Harry snickered and promptly got elbowed by Hermione
"She is one of my roommates, lately she has been in the habit of leaving her drawing pins lying around. I stepped on two of them this morning."
"Well my sugar bea does love those things, she's so generous! She's given me ten of them to take home, they are so useful!"
"I love Drawing pins! Lav gave me three of them last night!" Harry said earnestly.
"Oh so now you are on nickname status now?!?" Hermione asked pointedly.
"Erm weeel....."
Alan took advantage of the uncomfortable silence to ask if lunch begun.
"Yes it started about 15 minutes ago."
"Oh my! It was nice meeting you but I have to be going. Take care!" With that Alan the starfish hurried off toward the castle.
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Finally at the end of the part of the lake that Harry wanted to walk around:
"Harry could you imagine.... Lavender Alarm-Clock?!?"
"Like Lavender Brown is any better, what an oxy moron."
"Yeah that's Lavender all right, we can see where she gets it from, 'I like Alarm-Clock much better. It sounds more.... dignified.' Bah!"
"I don't think he knows what one is."
"Probably true, that reminds me so much of Dobby's purple toaster.Oh, it made lavender toast! I wonder if that means anything....." Harry and Hermione walked on in silent contemplation of the cosmic connections that Lavender seemed to have.

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"Harry we've been walking for awhile. Can we stop and read that letter now?"
"Yes, let's take a break here" Harry sat down and took out the letter

"I miss you. Everything is going ok here. Bucky says Hi (or he would if he could) it's pretty cold where I am now, I have been Padfoot as much as possible. I saw Moony a while ago and he sends his best. Just writing to let you know I'm fine and not to worry. Write me back and let me know how you are, I think it would be safe for you to send your owl, nobody here would be able to trace her back to you.
Much love,

"Hermione do you have any parchment?"
"Hold on let me check my pockets.........yes, and here's some ink and a broken quill."
"Thanks, I think I can manage."
After a few seconds of furious scratching Harry had managed to produce a legible note that read;

Hi ! I got your letter, thanks I was beginning to worry. Everything is great here! Sorry about the writing, I am using a broken quill. I miss you too, I wish I could come stay with you for break but ........well.......you can't always get what you want. Be careful and take care of Bucky and Moony for me, tell them to be careful too (bucky probably won't understand but tell him just the same). R and H.G. send their love as well. Send me a letter as soon as you can.

"Let's get this to Hedwig so she can get going early."
"Sure Harry, I'm feeling a bit better now, I don't mind the walk."

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The owlery was eerily quiet when Harry and Hermione got there.

"This is strange, I wonder why all the owls are being so quiet."
"Harry! Did you hear that? It sounded like a footstep......."
"No, I don't see anyone in here, besides if there was someone else in here before us the owls would be awake."
"I suppose you are right, hold on I'm going to shut the door."
"Hedwig." Harry called softly holding out his arm for the ghostly white bird to perch on. She landed quietly and held out her leg.
"Hedwig, I want you to take this to Sirius, you know where to find him." Hedwig nipped his finger affectionately and glided toward a low exit. Before she got too far something grabbed her by the letter and would not let go.
Shrieking she stopped beating her wings and she plunged he beak toward the source of her attack.
"OOOOW THAT'S MY HEAD!" a voice shrieked from below her, and triumphantly Hedwig raised her head grasping something shimmery and gave an almighty tug. A loud ripping sound was heard and suddenly Harry shrieked
"SNAPE'S HEAD IS ATTAKING HEDWIG!!!!!!!!"
"No you idiot!!!!!!!!! He's wearing an invisibility cloak!"
"Give it to me you stupid bird!!!PROOF I HAVE PROOF OF YOUR CRIMES!!!!!!!!OW! OW!"
Hedwig managed to poke him in the eye twice with the tip of her wing.
"I have to help Hedwig"
"NO HARRY STOP!" Hermione ran forward and restrained him "Harry, didn't you ever read Hogwarts A History?!?"
"FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME NO!"
"Well if you did then you would know that it is highly unlawful to attack a post owl in the owelry. The attacker and the owl must duel for the post. Believe me, I don't envy Snape right now , he will be lucky if he makes it to the infirmary. In all of the previously documented cases.....well.........uggh."
While Hermione was lecturing an impossible scene was unfolding before them. Hedwig had flown upward dragging the startled and unhappy Snape with her, about 15 feet into the air, then unceremoniously she dropped him on his head. She then proceeded to hit him across the back with a too convenient folding chair.

"WOW this is like that WWF smack down that Dudley is always watching!!"

Unlucky for Snape he had a thick skull. He was still weakly attempting to stand when Hedwig swooped down, clotheslined him and grabbed the hem of his robes.

"NO HEDWIG! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!!"

The eternal question of what snape wore under his robe was finally and irrevocably answered.
"I think I'm going to vomit." Harry put his hands over his eyes and cried
Hermione simply fainted.
Hedwig tugged and shook and was successful in dumping the contents of Snape's pockets on the floor. She let go suddenly and went for the prize.
"AHHHHHH!!!!!" Snape's scream of pain and rage echoed across the grounds, amplified magnificently by the castle walls.

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Several minutes later the struggle drags on:

"GIVE IT BACK! You smegging feather duster give me back that drawing pin........OW OW OW!"
The drawing pin was drawing blood and all of it belonged to Snape.
"Lav gave me that how dare you!.............ahhhh no ................ack! "
Hedwig triumphant settled the score once and for all grabbed the letter and flew out the window into the late after noon sun.
Snap stood in shock staring at his soiled robes. Hedwig apparently had great aim, she had hit him in the face. It was too much to bear and the mighty annoyance passed out cold from the sheer humiliation. Snap's collapse was heavy and loud enough to rouse Hermione who took a look around and instantly knew what had happened. She scooted over to where Harry was sobbing into into the sleeve of his robe.
"Harry, it's ok Hedwig won. Snape is unconscious and your letter to Snuffles is safe."
"Is.....is his robe down?" Harry asked in a shaky voice
"Yeah." Hermione said after risking a peek at the prone form of Severus Snape.
"I will never get that out of my head...."
"Shhhh, it's ok..........I share your pain......look on the bright side...." Hermione fished around in her pocket and pulled out the unflattering picture of Snape. Unfolding it and pointing she exclaimed "Ron might be a seer, look! He got it *all* right!!"
That time Harry did throw up.
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Eventually Harry and Hermione decided it would be better if they let someone else deal with dragging Snape from the owelry. They got Hagid and his umbrella and started towards the infirmary with Snape floating creepily in front of them. It seems that Snape is just prone to head injures because like in previous incidents he hit every single low hanging ceiling and threshold on the way to the infirmary. Hagrid shrugged semi apologetically and mumbled something about his umbrella acting up, Harry and Hermone voiced that they really didn't care. Snape seemed to hit things with a little more force after that.

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After dinner in the Gryffindor common room:

"So that's what happened?"
"Yeah we left out the really sick parts but you drew the picture, you know what we're talking about."
Ron just stared at the fire for a few minutes before speaking again. "Hermione, I'm sorry for the way I acted at lunch....I was hungry.....and......it's just that I never had a..... cock tail onion before......I wanted to try one and then you wouldn't share and I just got mad...."
"It's ok Ron. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I ate the whole jar by myself not only was it selfish it was incredibly stupid of me. I would offer to split a jar with you tomorrow but frankly I never want to see another cocktail onion in my life."
Ron blushed "Um, it's ok Hermione don't worry about it." He made a face and then continued "Actually I did what you told me to and I went down to see Dobby and I used his magical toaster.........well I said the cock-tail part a little too strongly and....well let's just say they looked nothing like what you had......I don't think I will ever get over that.....so yeah well...." He trailed off looking faintly embarrassed.
"Lord Ron, after what I have seen today nothing will ever shock me again." Harry looked haunted by the thought.
"Not even you know who in a tu tu and pasties?"
"Ron! Get your head out of the gutter!"
"Did someone just use Ron and the word gutter in the same sentence?! Oh how CUTE!" Lavender Brown had joined the conversation.
"I heard you guys talking about my grandpa, what's up?"

"Well actually,Lavender,we wanted to know how you ended up with so many drawing pins?" Leave it Hermione to gracefully save the situation.

"Oh! That reminds me!" She reached into her pocket."Here, this is my last one and I want Ron to have it."

"Uh, thanks."

"My grandmother on my dad's side bought them Duty Free in an airport in....New York I think........she could never pass up a bargain. I don't know what they do but they sure are cute!"

"Yes they are Lavender, thanks."

"Oh ok, if that's all I'm going to go, bye."

"Bye Lav!........., airhead" Hermione muttered under her breath "So we see she gets it from both sides....poor girl."
"Hermione!" Harry said lightly
"So what ended up happening to Snape?"
"Oh Ron I can't believe we forgot that! He suffered a serious concussion, possibly some memory loss, and some minor puncture wounds, but the best part..... he is a cursed man and there is no counter curse to this one!"
"What?"
"When Hedwig...you know did her thing, she cursed him for life.......he will never be able to walk under a bird safely again!"
"Oh that is too rich!!!!!"Ron chuckled "It serves the bastard right!"
"Well, I have a qudditch match against Slytherin comeing up soon, he should be well enough to go outside by then and there's no way he could get out of it....." Harry grinned evilly at Ron amd Hermione
"Oh yes, payback time........I will be sure to tell the Creevy brothers to save some film........."

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This was a Rug challenge. 1) Containing NO romance 2) Around 1000 words long 3) Involving a big battle between Snape and Hedwig 4) Involving Hermione eating a jar of pickled onions 4) Involving someone with the surname Alarm-Clock turning up at Howarts 5) Containing : a purple toaster, a blunt pen-knife, a starfish, 49 drawing pins, the Statue of Liberty, and an aspirin 7) Funny, but not *too* silly 6) Properly spellchecked!

The only requierment I flubbed was the word count........I got up to approx 3,829 words.............I couldn't help myself. I like longer stories.....and well possibly the romance bit...there are some innuendos but no actual romance. :) I didn't know what a 'drawing pin' was until after I finished writing this....I think that it is vauge enough to work the way it is so I didn't bother rewriting it. BTW a drawing pin is a thumb tack for all of you americans like me who don't have a clue. It's sad really..... Drawing pin is so literal........you would think that I would have figured it out. I kept thinking drawing pen (I'm an artist so that's what came to me.) Also.....I cannot write in a british dialect, so sue me....... I live in southern california and I fell back on the slang that I know (with a few minor exceptions). Sorry this took so long.............. I have been working, sleeping and eating occasionally..........not much time for anything else. Also, anyone who would like to email me...... I am haveing problems with birdmail right now so my alternate email is franimalia@chickmail.com. Thank you......hopefully I will have an original story up soon (life permitting). CIAO!
Franimal
P.S. Inspiration for the title goes to Reverend Horton Heat.............. ;p