When Matters Come To Pass
A/N: Slightly angsty but ultimately romance. Inspired after some authors neglected this forum. To some, the format might be somewhat confusing so basically:
normal text - shizuru's past perspective
Italic text - shizuru's present perspective
enjoy and please do review : )
Gleaming sharp blade cut through flawless, milky skin. Blood soaked through my beige sleeves, turning the perfectly ironed material into something horridly revolting. My once perfectly masked face twisted into an expression that no one would ever want to witness. Beauty marred by dirt. My once pure, innocent thoughts spoiled by perverse, distorted feelings towards…towards...
An angel. She is an angel. She is my angel. The world sure does have a rather interesting way of returning things one might think they have lost.
The world had always been extremely kind to me. A rich background, beauty, 85/57/82, intellect, logic… So when the world deprived me of the only thing I ever really wanted, needed, hell broke loose. I rejected everything the world offered me and wished that I could trade them for the only thing I wanted, the oh so beautiful being of my desire that will never ever be mine. Never… So close yet so far; the agony inscribed in these seemingly trivial words was uttered too easily by some and I suffered the anguish first hand. So I wounded myself but why? I do not know. Did hurting physically lessen emotional pain? Did inflicting damages on oneself compensated for the sins one committed? Despite not knowing the justification behind my action, I did it all the same. Shaking off one of the recurring migraines that started after the Carnival, I cleaned up the mess of crimson in the sink. I looked up to the mirrors to meet the darker shade of red staring back at me. I could only see woes in the red orbs but the chaoses in them were not to be quelled. Letting out a sigh and making sure the mask of 'perfection' was worn, I walked out into the hallway of the boarding house only to be greeted by my - not my - Natsuki.
Thinking about that day, a genuine smile graces my face. It is somewhat comical how an event from two years ago could change my life.
'Where were you?' growled the adorable puppy; one that I could under no circumstances stroke or hold.
'Well, I was only waiting for my beloved in my bed.' I teased. Teasing was an incredibly effective way to cover one's anxiety.
'I skipped lunch looking around the whole school for you, Shizuru, and all I get for that was a damn tease.' she frowned while ignoring the slight heat rising in her cheeks. Ah, it was such bliss to hear her saying my name and blushing simultaneously. Further more, she actually cared enough to miss eating her mayonnaise for me. It was going to be a good day.
'Would you like to have a picnic now instead then?' I suggested, hiding the hopefulness and eagerness in my voice.
'Don't see why not. But I will have a Triple Mayonnaise Sandwich since you made me wait.' It was not in my power to deny her of anything, let alone a sandwich; be it an extremely unhealthy and sickening sandwich.
My life changed after the Carnival. Seeking a way to redeem and overcome the past, I resorted to some rather foolish ways although these behaviours did attract the attention of a certain beauty. True, the Carnival nearly ruined me and more importantly, Natsuki. However, if it was not for that particular incident, I would never have had the courage to confess. It was a selfish thought as despite all the pain we went through; I must admit I am now living life to the fullest. I was 18 and she was 17 when it happened. Now, I am 20 and turning 21 tonight.
I frowned; a somewhat unusual action. Although given that the Triple Mayonnaise Sandwich was, to say the least, disgusting. The contents of TMS were as following: chicken mayonnaise, egg mayonnaise, tuna mayonnaise and heaps of mayonnaise. I had just lost my appetite. Perhaps that was the only aspect of my object of affection which I remotely disliked.
'So, where were you?' she munched while speaking; revealing a lovely sight of some mashed up mayonnaise/chicken mayonnaise/egg mayonnaise/tuna mayonnaise. To be perfectly honest, I did not find that display in the least bit repulsive. That was actually quite cute in my opinion.
'Did I not tell you earlier? I was waiting in…' I was promptly cut off as she shoved some mayonnaise in my direction.
'Shut up or I'll shove this up your ass.' she barked.
'Ara, that might not be too bad an idea. Do as you please.' I replied calmly while taking a small sip of the cheap green tea. That was seriously the most delightful threat; I would love her to shove…Oh dear…my mind was drifting yet again.
'Shizuru…' Oh my, I might not be able to hold back: that delectable blush, the previous image of activities involving mayonnaise and her whimpering my name were proving too much for me to take. Then, the agonizing truth that no matter how much I desired her, she would never be mine; once again returned and slapped me full force. Dizziness came over me. The dull ache of the wound I inflicted on myself earlier throbbed harder; serving as a reminder that I should not be enjoying myself. I did not deserve happiness.
I was foolish to think that by divesting myself of joy and warmth, I could redeem myself. Now that I am older and more mature, I can look back and laugh at the fool that I once was.
'You okay? You don't look too good.' she asked, looking concerned. Although known for being socially inept, she was actually reasonably sensitive and perceptive. Not to mention the fact that she was indeed exceptionally caring, thoughtful and incredibly sweet regardless of how many times she denied it.
'I am good. Thank you.' forcing myself to retain my mask, I smiled. However, obviously, my effort was wasted as she looked at me doubtfully.
'Don't lie to me.' blunt as always, she went on to inspect my temperature. Her cold hand was a welcome on my blistering forehead. She proceeded to help me up, pulling my arm over her shoulder and around her neck while sliding her own arm around my waist. How ironic it was that her contact only came as a result of my poor health.
'What are you doing?' I was rather puzzled but offered no objection. After all, I was feeling quite dizzy and if this gave me an excuse to touch her then why would I resist?
'You are going to Youko-sensei with me.' she commanded with a determined glint in her eyes. I was delighted by this rare opportunity to be of such close proximity to her but my conscience was being bothersome. I really should not take advantage of her kindness and innocence whilst tainting her platonic affection for me which was exactly what I did during the Carnival; betraying her. In a moment of frustration and self hatred, I shrugged her off and staggered away. In a swift movement, she caught my wrist, the injured wrist. I flinched. She looked into my eyes. Emerald green. Black out.
Then again, if I had not been stupid, would things have turned out differently? Asking such a question is pointless as no one knows the answer. The only thing that matters is that I had indeed been an idiot and did do stupid things which consequently led to what is now my satisfying life.
Waking up to the green of her eyes was something I could get used to. Though there was irritation in those eyes. Now fully realising where I was, I mentally scolded myself for letting myself be pathetically weak, vulnerable in the presence of her; for letting my mask shatter and showing my true ugly self.
My true ugly self. Is it not amusing? The way I viewed myself. In spite of constantly hiding 'my true ugly self', she saw through the façade and accepted me for who I was.
'That was so utterly unnecessary. Wasn't it?' she snapped. Should I be flabbergasted, ashamed or disheartened?
'Why did you do that?' she continued her verbal attack.
'Whatever is Natsuki talking about?' I said, turning my head away towards the wall as if the blank white tiles of the medical centre were fascinating.
'Stop playing dumb and answer the stupid question. I'm not gonna give up so easily.' Her penetrating gaze could be felt through the back of my head. She honestly meant it; she was not going to give up.
'Ara, I do not recall doing anything to offend Natsuki.' I was not one to admit defeat either. It was for her own good anyways; she should not be involved in my sick ways.
'Fine. You asked for it.' she declared and yanked on my arm. Pulling up the stained sleeves – the blood had obviously spilled from the plaster – she confronted me with evidence in hand.
'What is your excuse? And please don't say that your cat or whatever scratched you.' a resolute Natsuki was so hard to deal with and for once, I found myself speechless.
'I don't even know why I'm trying.' she whispered, defeated. Winning did not feel good at all. I was only hurting her and it was entirely my fault. The demon that I had locked away after the Carnival rose within my chest, gnawing away my will to keep up the calm exterior and instead show the turmoil of my splintering heart.
'You…you don't have to do this alone, you know.' she said in such a soothingly low tone that I just, I really yearned to just, just…
'And you can touch me if you want to.' she added, cheeks reddening. The demon melted away, never to return. She took my tears, fears and sorrows away with these mere words. That was the power she had over me.
'Please be honest with me. After all we've been through; it is okay to just be yourself. I know I've been honest with you so please, tell me what you feel.' so sincere, so very unblemished and pure.
'Ara, whenever did Natsuki become such a touching speaker?' sorry, I simply could not refrain from ruining the moment.
'Shizuru!' she was so endearing and I truly treasure these moments. I love you, Natsuki.
After hearing her gentle words, there was still some way to go until I could fully confess my desire. However, the journey was just as enjoyable. Her encouragements along the way and her blushes were ever so sweet. I savoured every moment and now, as I draw my fingers down her flushed cheeks, I can only say that the way I feel now is worth every agonizing wait and shattered fragment of my heart broken along the way. She just easily stitched it back together.
In between moans and gasps, she mutters 'Happy Birthday' and 'I Love You'. What I did in my past life to deserve such paradise is unknown to me but all I know is that I love you too, Natsuki.
A/N2: If anyone want to listen to rants, here ya go. Unrequited love sucks. There, that's out of my system.