Rubbing his eyes with the base of his palm, Rude rode the elevator with Reno back to their shared apartment, a duffel bag swinging from his shoulder and lead weighing down his work-scuffed boots. He was exhausted; three weeks of cleaning up and hushing up a failed military experiment had been taxing on his nerves and had proven to be more trouble than it was worth. In the end the small town had been silenced with a few cans of gasoline, a bulldozer, and a forest of freshly planted sapling trees and wildflowers. Rude was glad to be home though, he had no doubts about that as he stepped out of the elevator, dragging a sleepy and disheveled Reno behind him.
The thought of turning into a vegetable on the couch, staring at the television with a can of beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other, was enticing to both of them and as Rude unlocked the door with a heavy yawn, Reno was on the phone ordering them two large pizza's covered in enough meat to clean out a butcher shop. Rude kicked his shoes of in the doorway and tossed his duffel bag on the floor, loosening his tie and rolling his neck, wincing at the crackling coming from his spine as he did so. "Ugh, I'm so stiff."
"Three hours of helicopter will do that to ya." Reno yawned and slid his phone into his pocket, locking the door behind him. "Pizza will be here in about a half hour."
"Sounds good." Rude tossed his jacket and tie into the hamper, leaving the dirty laundry to fester until tomorrow. He was in no mood to clean anything tonight. His socks fell into the pile beside his jacket and only consideration for the pizza man convinced him to keep the rest of his clothes on. He would've loved to sit in his boxers and stuff himself with beer and pizza, but the pizza man probably wouldn't appreciate the sight. Of course, as a delivery man, Rude was sure the pizza man would probably have seen worse than a bald man in boxers.
Reno went to the kitchen and fished out an always present twelve pack that sat behind the now spoiled milk and fuzzy plate of leftover something. That's what sucked about being out of the country for three weeks without time to arrange for a house sitter; you ended up with a fridge full of science projects instead of food. He pulled the large case of beer out and grabbed two cans out of it, tossing one to Rude as the beefy man started poking through the cupboards. "The fridge grew stuff again."
"Gross. We can clean it tomorrow. I don't care that much right now. Just don't try to eat it." Rude cracked open his can of beer and took a large gulp, letting the sour stuff slide down his throat to his belly, warming it nicely. He didn't really care for the taste of the booze, but he liked the feeling of a nice warm spot in his stomach so he drank it.
"I learned from last time." Reno laughed and cracked his beer open. The last time he had taken a leftover piece of…something and stuffed it into his mouth, he had quickly gotten sick and spent three days in bed puking. The taste hadn't been that bad, but the texture had been awful. The mold that the once-food had been growing was textured like a lumpy spider-web that had been spun like cotton candy around rancid cheese.
"Good. I don't want to repeat that experience." Rude sipped at his beer and searched through the cupboards, smiling as he noticed an unopened bag of potato chips. "Score! We never opened these! They're safe."
"Awesome! Toss 'em this way!" Reno held out a hand for the chips, wanting to inhale the bag to fill the empty space in his stomach that the booze had reminded him of. He hoped they had stronger alcohol lying around somewhere; beer wasn't going to do more than take the edge off his stress. He wanted to get really, truly fucked up.
Rude held tight to the bag. "No way! You'll hog it all. Besides, pizza will be here soon. Wait a bit."
"Damn. I'm so frickin' hungry." Reno pouted and chugged at his beer, crushing the can in his hand and tossing it into their recycling bin, which was still in the overflowing state they had left it in.
"So am I. That's why I want some hot junk food before I take in empty calories." Rude took the bag of chips out to the living room. "Bring the beer, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know how this works." Reno grabbed the case and lugged it with him to the living room, plopping it on the floor beside the coffee table and flopping onto the couch with a new can, getting comfortable as he cracked the can. "So what are we gonna watch?"
"Whatever is on." Rude sat and set the chips on the table, sipping his beer and searching for a coaster. He might not want to do any cleaning, but he wouldn't purposefully ruin his furniture.
Reno propped his feet up on Rude's lap and balanced his open can of beer on his stomach. "Sounds good to me."
Rude set his beer down and grabbed the remote off the table, clicking on the television, a flat screen Reno had bought him for his birthday just a week before their departure, and gaped in shock as an image that was most definitely not what he had expected to see.
Reno had a similar moment of shock, flushing red and nearly spraying a mouthful of beer over the two of them. "O-oh shit!"
"The hell is this!" Rude stared at the pornographic image of a thin scrap of a man taking a load in the face from one of the largest male appendages he'd ever seen and felt his jaw rest on his knees. The television had been paused on this image the entire time they had been gone and he sincerely hoped that the image had not burned itself into the screen. Considering that the television had been off that probably wasn't the case, but he wouldn't be sure until he changed the channel.
Reno sat up and stared, setting his beer can on the coffee table. "This is one hundred percent my bad…I was watching pay per view porn when I got the call to come into the office…First instinct was to hit pause and shut off the TV because I figured I'd be back in an hour or so…but…you know…."
Rude kneaded his forehead with his knuckles and resisted a strong urge to hit Reno. "So this has been on for three weeks? You realize that means you've been paying to view this for three weeks straight, right?"
"Oh shit…" Reno buried his face in his hands and Rude quickly changed the channel.
"You are paying this month's cable bill. Got it?" Rude flipped to a free channel, trying to blink the image he had just seen out of his eyes.
"Yeah, no problem." Reno rubbed his temples softly, keeping his eyes closed. "Can't believe I left that on…"
"Why the hell were you even watching that? You can get porn on the internet for free!" Rude watched Reno, having trouble believing his stupidity.
"Well I wanted to watch it on the big screen alright?" Reno frowned and lay back, grabbing his beer. "Damn, that bill is going to be bigger than that dude's cock was."
Rude laughed and shook his head. "It's hard to believe that. That dude was enormous."
Reno hummed and sipped his beer. "Mmmm yup. Wish I could pack like that."
"They've got all sorts of pills you can take to pack like that, Reno." Rude chuckled and flipped through channels.
"I don't want some nasty pill that's going to make my penis fall off when I'm fifty. I just like to daydream about what I'd do if I had a giant dick." Reno stretched and set an arm under his head, balancing his beer on his stomach again.
"What would you do with it, hmm?" Rude set his feet on the coffee table and watched a movie that was playing, not sure what it was even about.
"Everything?" Reno raised an eyebrow. "What kind of a question is that?"
"The kind that deserves a funnier answer than everything." Rude laughed and grabbed his beer off the table, sipping it and drowning his growling stomach in beer.
"First thing I would do is get on a table at the office, tear my pants off, and do that wiggle dance that one band does." Reno crossed his legs in Rude's lap and grinned. "That a good enough answer?"
Rude face-palmed and shook his head. "That's fine. I don't need to hear anything else you'd do, the mental image for that is bad enough."
"Hey, you asked! I assumed that meant you wanted to know what my giant cock and I would do." Reno shrugged and sat up, downing his beer and belching loudly as the doorbell rang. "Pizza's here!"
"I've got it." Rude stood and went to pay the delivery man, grabbing the pizzas and a two liter of soda pop out of his hands and lugging them back to the living room. "Why'd you get soda?"
"You mean pop, right?" Reno grabbed the two liter and cracked it open, almost setting it to his lips before Rude snatched it from his hands. "Hey!"
"Use a glass!" Rude frowned and screwed the cap back on. "We're eating on plates and using cups, alright? Don't make a mess on purpose."
Reno grumbled and ran to the kitchen to get plates and cups. "Fine! But it's still called pop, not soda!"
"Whatever, Reno." Rude finished off his beer and accepted his plate and cup from Reno, grabbing a few slices of pizza and munching, staring at the television with disinterest.
Reno poured himself a tall cup of pop and chugged it, belching happily once he finished. "Ahhh, refreshing!"
"Gross, Reno." Rude poured himself a glass of soda and sipped it, scarfing his pizza hungrily.
"Says you! At least I don't have pizza sauce in my beard." Reno snorted and piled his plate with pizza, eating the crust at the back first.
"That's because you can't grow a beard." Rude wiped the sauce off his goatee and ate.
"That's because I'm too sexy for facial hair." Reno scarfed, inhaling his food eagerly.
"That's what you think. Facial hair makes a man distinguished, Reno." Rude ate, careful not to get anymore sauce in his beard so Reno couldn't pick on him.
"Facial hair is tickly. Makes kissing weird." Reno set his empty plate on the table, cracking another beer. "Where'd the chips go?"
"Geez, Reno!" Rude passed over the unopened chips and decided to ignore the gay comment. "You eat like you haven't seen food in months!"
"Dude, do you remember what they fed us! I'd rather gargle dog shit than eat what they gave us!" Reno shuddered and crammed chips into his mouth.
"Gross." Rude frowned, eating his food at a slower pace.
"How could you stand to eat that stuff? It was nasty! I lost ten pounds!" Reno pointed at his slightly concave, yet obviously not under-fed stomach.
"Reno, you're going to gain that ten pounds back tonight. You've probably already eaten enough calories to gain at least eight." Rude changed the channel as the movie got gory and dull, realizing why he hated horror movies. "Why are horror movies all gore and no plot?"
"Because people want gore not suspense." Reno set the chips down and lay back, setting his feet back in Rude's lap. "When do we have to be at work again?"
"Noon tomorrow. We get to sleep in a little bit." Rude set his empty plate down and flipped through channels, feeling more relaxed as the alcohol started to take effect.
"Awesome." Reno hummed and rubbed his stomach. "Being stuffed feels great."
"It makes me feel gross." Rude chuckled and pushed the coffee table forward, reclining his section of the couch so he could get comfortable.
"Really? Weird. I only feel gross when I'm stuffed with gross food." Reno tried to adjust his feet as Rude changed positions, making the one Reno was sitting in no longer comfortable. "Hey, did you ever figure out how to recline the middle part of the couch?"
"Yeah, just pull the little cord inside the seat." Rude demonstrated and reclined the middle section of their three part couch, smiling as Reno followed suit with his remaining piece of the couch. They were now lying down on a couch that had enough surface area to be a bed.
"We should just crash out here. Sounds fun, right?" Reno stretched out on the couch, still resting his feet on Rude even though he now had more than enough room to recline and lie down on his own.
"I'd like to sleep in a real bed tonight. Those pallets they had us sleep on were awful." Rude stretched and watched the television, flipping through a few channels and watching each for about five minutes, getting frustrated at the lack of entertaining content. "There's nothing on tonight."
"There's never anything on. Why do you think I watch porn?" Reno hummed and reached for another beer. "Want more beer? I don't know about you but I'm ready to get trashed."
"I'm good, thanks." Rude smiled. He didn't want to go to work with a hangover tomorrow. It just didn't sound fun.
"Suit yourself." Reno chugged another beer happily. "Mmmm."
Rude chuckled and sat up. "I think it's time for bed, Reno. You staying up?"
"Yeah." Reno smiled and pulled his feet off Rude's lap.
"No pay per view porn, got it? I don't need to hear that crap." Rude stood and cleaned up the food, leaving Reno the chips and putting the pizza and soda pop away.
"Then don't listen." Reno snickered and flipped through channels, settling back on the paused porno he had been watching. "That doesn't do anything for you? Seeing that?"
"No, it really doesn't." Rude quickly looked away before the image could burn itself into his eyes.
"Rude, you need to learn how awesome it is to be gay. Next time you go to the doctor for a check-up, I'm going to pay him to do an extra thorough prostate exam." Reno smiled and sat up, stretching and listening to his back crack.
"Yeah, and I'll make sure I give you a good hard kick in the balls afterwards." Rude snorted and walked to his room. "Keep the volume low! I will beat the shit out of you if I wake up at three a.m. with THAT blaring through the house!"
"Sleep tight, Princess!" Reno turned the movie back on, re-started it, and settled into the couch for a good long watch and a fun bout of de-stressing.
Author's Note: Okay, so I saw a story circling the web about someone having a new TV get ruined because his roommate was watching gay porn on it and left it paused and on for three weeks, subsequently burning the image into the screen. Reno was at least smart enough to turn the TV off, but he wasn't smart enough to turn off the DVR too. He's going to hate that bill.
I haven't' done a one-shot for a while so forgive me if this seems a little rusty or dull.