Dear Reader,
I hope you aren't expecting a love story. One with blushing, kisses in the rain, dancing in your bedroom to T-Swift music. Because if I told you that's what you would get, that would be a lie. Life is full of pain, love is full of bullshit. And my only mission is to do what Disney can't; give you the ugly truth. Sonn-shine, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
Mirror
somewhere. somewhere deep inside the mirror is a girl who knows the truth: chad is a boy. but by boy, we know that has nothing to do with his penis, but his ignorance. think of how fabulous it would be if every girl out there knew that guys will never know how you feel, and never be able to truly give you what you want. basically, guys are flawed. flawed beyond repair.
and somewhere. somewhere on the surface, there is a girl who refuses to believe it. and that, my pretties, is our own fault.
it starts when you are born. wether you are born straight, lesbian, or bisexual, all girls are genetically programed with a strong sense of belief in the impossible. and ladies, just because the word possible is in this word, does not make it possible at all. when a girl falls in love, said girl truly believes that a man will look past his sexual disire, and want to love you back. and that is yours, mine, and all of our biggest mistake.
sonny, was 99% perfect. the lack of that 1% was that sonny, like the 99% of us, was a believer. and when she believed, she had no doubts.
chad, was 28% perfect. the lack of 72% was that chad, fitting into that 1%, didn't have anything to believe in.
and when the small surface of the girl in the mirror slowly began to realise this, she panicked. she took her fist, broke the reflection, and pressed each refined piece of reflective glass deep into her temples. and slowly, she bled the pain out.
Ink Rivers
sometimes, i color. i color all over my palms. in black ink. and sometimes, I leave it there, to see how the ink fills in the small cracks of my skin. they look like rivers, flowing from tip to end, all the way until it meets yet another river. it's these rivers that get me through the night, when my brain keeps me awake. i feel like i owe my sanity to these rivers, because no matter the darkest memories and darkest thoughts, they always meet with one another, and get along until another channel comes along. all the way until my hand is completely black. and it's the persistance that keeps me going.
i can't take back what i did. well, what i didn't do, that is. i will always hate myself for that. and i will always be sleeping along side black rivers for that. looking through the window, and just watching, was the hardest thing i have ever done. she was so vulnerable, so pure, and now, because of me, she's ruined. a black river that has finally come to a stop.
Black and White
growing up, i was always unaware of the bad in the world. i didn't know about bombs, racism, or sex. and when i finally learned i was shocked.
growing up, they teach you that everyone is a beautiful, wonderful person and everyone loves you and respects you. to children, it's all black and white. there are good guys and bad guys. the bad guys wore black capes and had long pointy teeth and dark eyes. however, not all bad guys look like bad guys in L.A. tom looked like a good guy. average weight, average height, a well paying job. an average late twenties man. but he wasn't like he appeared. tom was a liar, like all adults.
why would they hide this from us? to learn on our own? or rather, what did they hide from us? the truth; that's what.
i learned the truth the day i was raped. well, the obvious truth that is. you can't trust your eyes, and everyone's face is a mask. no one is who they look like. i remember what i was thinking when he touched me; what's under my mask? who is sonny? something i may never know if i let this happen.
it happened. i tried to run, but tom was strong. so strong he made me forget what i was trying to do. and so, he robbed me. of my virginity, my purity, myself, and my sanity. and and as the time passed, the color turned black and white.