I doubt I could ever describe this feeling to you. I don't know if I even want to. But I do know that I need someone to understand, to get this off my chest, so I'll try.
It's like... Oh, I don't know how to start... It's just so hard to find the right words... Alright. Imagine this. Someone has twisted your organs into an indistinguishable mass of aching tissue held in place by hot, fiery needles. As they burn into your flesh, you can feel yourself dissolving into a hollow pit of nothingness.
...Bleh. That was pathetic. Not a bad start, I'll admit, but that's all it is: a fraction of my pain. A tiny little peek into the agony within my soul. I wish I could make you understand, say something to get the point across, but I can't.
You know what? Forget it. I give up trying to illustrate this. I flat-out do not have the ability to put it into words. I'll just tell you my story, and you can draw your own conclusions.
Twenty-Five Years Previously
My bottom lip held firmly between my teeth, I stepped through the gateway to my future. All around, the air seemed to buzz with energy. Children greeted smiling friends, hugged tearful parents, or tripped over their own robes in haste. My stomach wriggled nervously; I shifted my grasp on my trunk, squeezed my lip a bit harder, and closed my eyes. What had Dad always told me about getting nervous? ...Oh, yeah. "Take a deep breath, long and slow." This I did, and promptly began coughing up a lungful of thick smoke.
"Oh, Remus!" cried my mother's voice. I felt her hands fall protectively onto my shoulders. "Are you alright, dear?"
"Fine, Mum," I gasped. "Just inhaled some smoke is all."
"Stop doting, Liz, he'll be fine." My father was here.
I twisted around and tried to thank Dad with a smile, but all I managed was a pitiful tug at the corner of my lips.
His light eyes, so much like my own, grew concerned, but he hid it behind a grin. "That lip of yours isn't going to fall off, boy."
"Don't be scared, darling, it'll be fine," Mum said, stroking my dust-colored hair. It was very much like hers, and she always seemed to pet it when I became distressed.
"I hope so," I muttered, trying not to think of the blood-red behemoth that lay in wait behind me.
"It will," said Dad confidently. "Just study hard and make some friends. That's all it'll take to make the next few years the best memories of your life."
I smiled at them...sort of. Mum burst into tears and yanked me close so fast I think I got whiplash. Once she'd released me from her death-grip hug, Dad pulled me into a much more masculine—and less painful—version.
"Just remember you've always wanted to do this," Dad said bracingly.
"Doesn't make it any easier," I muttered under my breath. Then I added, more loudly, "Bye."
"Bye, Remie," Mum said. "Don't forget to write."
"I won't."
"You have fun, Remus, my boy," Dad said, smiling proudly. I thought I would cry. Instead, I fought down my tears. Biting my lip again, I waved and started dragging my trunk toward the train.
There it stood, somehow ominous and hopeful at the same time. Its crimson length trembled excitedly as it puffed out smoke in anticipation of its next journey. Black-robed teens bustled in and out of the train's doorways. Most of the were grinning, which made me feel even more the outsider. Remembering my last attempt to calm myself, I breathed a little less deeply, head tilted down.
Unfortunately, I forgot to stop walking.
Suddenly I collided with something and staggered back, startled. Before me stood a heavy-set boy with beady little eyes and mousy hair. His pointed face held traces of both surprise and lingering apprehension.
"Sorry," I muttered. He nodded. It was then that I felt a...connection...with the boy. I could tell he felt it, too. We were both alone in a new world, and that made us...friends, somehow.
We smiled weakly at each other and collected our trunks. Once on the train, we made our way to an empty compartment and settled in for the ride. As the locomotive slowly began chugging forward, I carefully avoided looking out the window at my parents. The last thing I wanted to do at the moment was burst into tears in front of my newfound "friend."