Based on the story "Sex and Candy" by Jynx the Mad Bomber. I read her parody fanfic almost ten years ago and it was so hilariously funny that it inspired me to pick up where it left off. This fanfic is dedicated to her for the much-needed dose of humor I was in dire need of at the time.
Revenge for Hire
In CURE's Name
The sun shined steadily upon the pink-haired little girl as she walked along the street, humming happily to herself. Chibi-Usa was quite pleased with herself; she'd gotten Usagi in trouble again. Hearing that meatball-head whine was enough to warm even her black heart. Chibi-Usa smiled broadly. She's played her "pure and innocent" role to the hilt and had completely shifted the blame onto Usagi. Poor Usagi…
She was so content with herself that she failed to notice two rather important details. Firstly, the street was utterly deserted. No traffic, no pedestrians. This was especially strange considering today was Saturday. Secondly, as she passed an alley, she failed to notice the small, white subcompact Yugo that was idling within.
Why couldn't I get a car that doesn't feel like the inside of a sardine car? thought Eudial for the seventh time that morning. She glanced around at her passengers. Or look like a clown car? she added, realizing just how packed the car was. Sitting next to her was Iron Mouse in her pinstripe fedora. Crammed into the back seats were Beruche, Rubeus, and Esmaraude who normally wouldn't let herself be seen in public with the likes of the rest of them. Today, however, was a very special occasion.
"Ooga-shaka ooga-ooga ooga-shaka ooga-ooga," hummed Iron Mouse happily as she laid back with her hat pulled down across her eyes and sang along with the radio. Beruche was staring blankly out the window at the wall, Esmaraude was looking like she wanted to be anywhere else but there (preferably lying naked on a beach with Dimando in Bermuda), and Rubeus was happily puffing away on a bong. Eudial and Esmaraude both rolled down the windows on their sides a little further; the air was getting a little cloudy with smoke and they were both starting to feel a buzz.
"I can't stop this feelin'!!" sang out Iron Mouse suddenly, startling everyone except Beruche and Rubeus (they were too out of it to really notice). Esmaraude immediately leaned forward and turned off the radio. "Hey! What'd you do that for?!" protested Iron Mouse. "I was just about to do my big scene!"
"Sorry, but I'm really not in the mood to start bleeding out my ears right now," replied the green queen of mean.
"Besides," added Eudial. "This is starting to feel like a scene from "Reservoir Dogs"."
"Yeah, right," retorted Iron Mouse. "You just got no sense of style."
"Hmph, I can see why queen goldenbitch fragged your dippy ass," mumbled Rubeus. Iron Mouse quickly spun around to face him, her eyes flashing dangerously beneath the shadow of her hat.
"Watch it, GQ, or I'm going to take that bong and bang it upside that stoned head of yours."
"Like hell you are!" shouted Eudial. "Whoever spills that thing in here again is going to personally suck it out of the upholstery. Do I make myself clear? I had to use two whole cans of Lysol to clean the stink out last time…" Suddenly, Beruche's eyes practically popped out of her skull as she saw something in front of the car.
"Holy crap! There she is!!" she screamed, pointing straight ahead. Everyone quickly looked: the pink hair hanging in ponytails from the sides of the little girl's head was unmistakable. Chibi-Usa had just passed in front of them.
"Hoody-hoo!!" they all cried. Dropping the car into gear, Eudial slowly and silently drove out of the alley.
Chibi-Usa continued to hum happily to herself as she turned a corner. The sun was shining, the cherry blossoms were blooming, and she was looking especially cute for spending the day with Mamoru. She started skipping just at the thought of it.
Beruche and Iron Mouse watched in total amazement as Esmaraude pulled out a syringe and began to shoot herself up.
"Uh…whoa," commented Beruche. Iron Mouse was speechless; she never figured Esmaraude for a hard-core junkie.
"It's insulin, you idiots," snarled Esmaraude. "Just seeing her that happy makes me diabetic."
"I know the feeling," said Rubeus. "Got any more?"
"Since it's you who's asking…no," she replied. Eudial ignored them, fixating on the target. It was been a busy day so far for the Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire. Yesterday they'd been hired to perform a hit on none other than Chibi-Usa. They'd spent all day yesterday planning their ambush on the pink spore. Unfortunately, the little bitch's plans were unknown to them, so the entire Revenge for Hire team had to split up and wait for her to appear. Now the noose was tightening. Eudial fumbled with her cellphone and pressed the speed-dial. A moment later someone picked up.
"Dark and Dead Revenge for Hire, dirty deeds done, satisfaction guaranteed…" It took Eudial a moment to realize that she was hearing her own voice. "We're sorry, but we're presently unable to answer your call. Please leave us your name, if you wish, and how to contact you and we'll be more than happy to call you back and discuss how we can help someone else get what's coming to them. –Beeeeeep-!!"
"Ail! An!" shouted Eudial. "Stop humping each other and pick up the damn phone! I thought I told you to leave the answering machine off!?" A moment later someone picked up on the other end.
"Eudial? Is that you?" asked a nasally female voice that she instantly recognized as An's.
"No! It's dominar Rigel the 16th from Farscape…of course it's me you frelling idiot!! What the hell are you up to over there?"
An glanced behind her at Saffir who was passed out, lying naked on the couch. He and Ail had traded duties at the last moment. An gulped a little: Saffir looked too much like Mamoru for her to stand. She'd slipped some Mickey Finns into his drink a while ago and Ail would hit the roof if he found out what she'd done to Saffir after the MF's took hold
"Ooooh, nothing," she replied.
"Well, whatever it is you and your brother are doing, stop it and call up the others. We've got the rabbit in sight and we're closing in." Without waiting to hear the reply, Eudial hung up and concentrated on staying a safe distance behind the pink-haired demon-child. Esmaraude cackled quietly, Rubeus was taking another hit, and Beruche was breathing so hard she was almost hyperventilating.
"Beruche, are you masturbating back there or what?" demanded Iron Mouse. Beruche quickly reached around and swatted her upside her head.
"No!! I'm just excited about finally getting some payback on that little bitch," she stated, "I had to go to a chiropractor for three weeks after she stomped on my back that one time. God, I'm looking forward to this…!" Meanwhile, Esmaraude snatched Rubeus' bong and took a few hits; she wanted to savor the coming carnage.
"All right," said Eudial a minute later. "Break out the sacred instruments of righteous retribution." With a huge grin, Rubeus opened the large duffel bag at his feet, revealing the guns that were within.
"Dibs on the pump-action," he stated as everyone else grinned eagerly at the small arsenal.
Chibi-Usa continued skipping towards Mamoru's apartment. Soon she'd be there and spend the entire day doing all sorts of fun things together…none of which would include Usagi. Just the thought of it made her giddy with excitement.
"Rain or shine, I'm happiest, when I'm with Tuxedo Mask," she sang loudly. "He makes me sing he makes me laugh…"
"Hold him down, hold him down!!" shouted Esmaraude as Beruche and Iron Mouse struggled to restrain Rubeus as he went into convulsive sugar-shock upon hearing Chibi-Usa's infamous "incest song". Esmaraude quickly gave him an insulin injection.
"I thought you said you didn't have any more," said Eudial as she switched on the radio again to drown out their target's lethal singing (several birds were already falling dead from the skies due to diabetic shock).
"I lied, so sue me," snapped Esmaraude as she finished shooting Rubeus up. He immediately calmed down as the insulin took effect.
"You've got more? Hand it over," ordered Iron Mouse. Esmaraude reluctantly complied. A moment later the remaining three girls were inoculating themselves against Chibi-Usa's "hyperglycemic defenses".
"Gimme one of those pistols," ordered Eudial. Iron Mouse dropped a heavy, wide-barreled pistol into her lap while she and everyone else loaded up. She and Esmaraude each had full-auto submachine guns, Rubeus had his pump-action shotgun, and Beruche, grinning wickedly, had a pistol in each hand.
"Oh, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time," she hissed.
"The wait is over," said Eudial as she rolled down her window. "This is it!"
Haruka and Michiru sat at a small table outside of their favorite café. It was certainly a nice enough day for it. They both took a big drink of their tea…and spit it out with disgusted grimaces as they caught sight of Chibi-Usa skipping their way.
"Shit, there goes the morning," grumbled Haruka. Michiru slouched down in her chair, sweatdropping.
"Not now," hissed Michiru. "Not today. It's too nice today for saccharin." She then straightened up a little as she caught sight of something further up the street: a small white Yugo with black stars on the doors, moving slowly but picking up speed. "What's that?"
"Hey, that car looks familiar," said Haruka. "You don't think…" They watched as the car's windows rolled down and, on the side facing away from the oblivious Chibi-Usa, two white-haired girls pulled themselves out and leaned over the roof. Haruka and Michiru immediately realized what was about to happen.
"Drive by!!" they cried at each other. A moment later the two girls hit the ground, tipping the table over as they dove for cover.
"Get the camera out! This is gonna kick ass!" shrieked Michiru.
Chibi-Usa stopped as she caught sight of Haruka and Michiru diving for cover behind a table. She frowned.
Hey, what gives? she thought. Why do those two always try to avoid a sweet, innocent kid like me? I should get them in trouble, too. Suddenly, she heard the sound of a car engine behind her as a shadow passed over her. She turned around.
"In Project CURE's name!!!" came a loud shout from the car that pulled up next to her. Chibi-Usa took a step back as she recognized the occupants: uh-oh…
Screaming maniacally, Eudial, Iron Mouse, Beruche, Rubeus, and Esmeraude all opened fire, pelting the hapless demon-child with a continuous stream of projectiles that knocked her back into a brick wall behind her. Her frilly pink and white dress was now as red as Eudial's outfit and her agonized screams cut through the air like feedback at a Slipknot concert.
"Die bitch!!" shouted Rubeus as he fired away, pumping his shotgun as quickly as possible. Esmeraude was giving off her trademark laugh as she hosed the little girl relentlessly, pausing only to reload. Despite the horrendous barrage that was transforming her into a ghastly mess, Chibi-Usa continued to stand and scream. Much to everyone's amazement, she tried to run away.
"Don't run!!" shrieked Beruche as she and the rest of them kept on firing. "Don't run!!" She started aiming at Chibi-Usa's legs, hitting them repeatedly. "Pigs! Pigs! All of you, pigs!! All of you!! Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!" Chibi-Usa fell to her knees. As she turned around to face them Rubeus and Beruche both shot her simultaneously in the forehead with their final shots. "And one to grow on!!"
"Yes!" shouted Esmeraude. "That was so worth it!" She grabbed Rubeus' bong and emptied it all over Chibi-Usa's still form as they slowly drove past. Beruche nearly knocked her out of the window as she finished reloading and emptied the clip into Chibi-Usa's spine.
"That's for that spinal injury I took because of you, you psycho-bitch!!" she shrieked. Rubeus poked his gun out and shot Chibi-Usa once in the butt.
"Oops! I'm sorry…not!" he called out. With a final shout of "Hoody-hoo" the five of them rolled up the windows and sped off in Eudial's trademark demolition derby style.
Chibi-Usa laid motionless in the center of a pool of crimson, her hair a rat's nest of tangles and clumps and her clothes shredded beyond repair. Suddenly, her eyes popped open and she began to let out ear-splitting shrieks and heart-rending wails and sobs of pure agony. Getting hit by paintballs even with padding was painful; getting hit by a few hundred paintballs at close range with no padding at all was a whole new chapter in agony. Crippled by the pain, she could only scream and roll. It would be days before she would be able to walk.
"Why couldn't we use real guns?" asked Beruche as they screeched around a corner, broadsiding an ambulance in the process. "Shooting the crap out of her with paintballs was fun, but using real bullets would've been much more satisfying, don't you think?"
"Yeah, but then we'd only be able to do it once," said Iron Mouse. "This way, we can nail her over and over again. Dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times!" Esmeraude and Beruche both squealed in delight at the thought of it. Meanwhile, Eudial grabbed her cellphone and made another call.
"Hello?" asked a girl's voice on the other end. It wasn't An speaking.
"Is this "Princess Leia"?" asked Eudial, using the name that the client had wanted to go by.
"Is it done?!" asked the girl, excitedly.
"We nailed the spore but good. She's gonna be hurting for weeks."
"Domo-arigato," said the girl, meaning every word of it.
"Now," continued Eudial, "There remains only the matter of payment…"
Usagi Tsukino smirked as she pulled out a credit card she'd "acquired" for this specific purpose.
"Uh, will you take my friend's mom's credit card?" she asked as she prepared to read off the number on Naru-chan's mom's credit card.
Revenge truly is a dish best served cold, she thought. Get the little fungus back for getting me in trouble…