You'd prepared yourself for Anakin's death.
You had been caught off guard when your Master had died and when Siri had died. With Qui Gon you hadn't realized just how much loosing your father would hurt, hadn't really understood yourself enough to know just how much you loved your Master. With Siri, you'd been burying the love you felt for her for years, so you buried the grief the same way. Both were irrevocably a part of you. Who you were now reflected on who you had known and loved prior.
But the pain of it all, it had been more than you had ever imagined. You'd wake up in the night, their name's on your lips and thier eyes dulling behind your lids. And you'd wonder, over and over, what you could've done differently.
You may be one of the finest Jedi the Order had ever seen, yet still you mourned, still you missed them. And you always wished you could've had some time to come to grips with the horrifying reality, to prepare yourself for that final goodbye.
So you'd prepared yourself for Anakin's death. Just in case.
The same attachment bound you to the boy, and just like with your other mourned dead, you couldn't pinpoint when it had happened. Maybe it had been that first colorstick and flimsi drawing Anakin had gifted you with on Master's Day. Maybe it had been when the boy had filled an entire cafeteria table with the fantastic 'padawan's only' chocolate cake while your back was turned. Maybe it had been when you'd woke to find a teary eyed trembling Anakin pointing toward the rain streaked window and asking what was making that horrible booming noise.
Nevertheless, an attachment had formed, Anakin was your son, your brother and the mere thought of loosing him was unbearable. And considering how Anakin danced with death during so many of your missions, his demise was a possibility that could come to fruition at any moment.
You didn't distance himself from your friend, that wouldn't have solved anything, and Anakin would not have understood. So you spent as much time as you could with Anakin, valued him while the boy could still physically be by your side. Everytime Anakin had a mission you were not a part of, you'd take your brother out to dinner, and see him off the next morning. You'd watch the aircraft disappear into the atmosphere and wonder if that had been the last time you were priviledged to see Anakin. You'd be the first to greet him everytime he came back, and secretly rejoice that the Force hadn't welcomed the Chosen One into it's arms just yet.
You checked on every injury, every sickness, (because if Anakin were to forever slip away, you intended to be there. To offer comfort, to thank him for his friendship, to say goodbye). You offered support and tried to help Anakin deal with all the emotional problems the young man had, so that when his time came, he could die in peace without any anger or guilt. It was hard with the limited amount of knowledge Anakin thought you had, but nothing was too difficult when it came to your brother, so you soothed, guided, and asked others who might know more to help as well.
It was a delicate balance. You still loved Anakin, but if forced, you could let him go. You treasured every moment spent with your best friend because you kept Anakin's mortality at the forefront of your mind.
So when the clones shot at you and you learned that other Jedi had been subject to this, you'd simply assumed the worst. Anakin had been at the Temple, and there hadn't been any survivors. You'd prepared for this, you reminded yourself, so you shoved the crushing grief to the back of your mind. But you could not crush the hope.
"Well then we must go back. If there are any stragglers they will be lured in and killed."
Maybe. Just maybe, your friend was still alive. Anakin had pulled off impossible feats before. If any Jedi could survive the Purge it was Anakin Skywalker. And if he was alive, you would do everything in your power to keep him that way.
You had been prepared for the horrors awaiting you in the Temple. There was no surpirse in finding the bodies of friends, children, strewn across the tile floor as if all had fallen into an inexplicable sleep. It grieved you. It crushed you. It absolutely broke you. Your home and family were gone forever and the sight of the lifeless Temple was worse then all the tortures you had ever experienced combined.
But admist the bleak despair there was a shade of comfort; Anakin Skywalker's body was nowhere to be found. You had imagined yourself finding it, seeing that laughing, handsome visage blank and lifeless. You would never be able to unsee it, and it would torture you almost beyond what you could bear, but you prepared yourself for it.
It wasn't there.
"Killed not by clones this...padawan...by lightsaber he was." Yoda's words snapped your focus to the present, and you leaned down to see that it was in fact a lightsaber wound.
Suddenly, every body in the Temple was an accusation. Suddenly every corpse cried traitor, Traitor, traitor!
With a horrible, sick twisting of your gut, you almost wished you had found Anakin's body. You numbly traveled through the ruins of your home, searching for your brother's remains; half hoping they'd be there, and half hoping that they wouldn't be.
Master Yoda was about to leave when you made for the security holo.
"There is something I must know." I must know who did this. And you tried to ignore the voice in your head that whispered, I must know it wasn't Anakin.
You recieved a warning, a small section of time you could've prepared himself in. But you did not heed it. The security hologram was merciless, depicting the horrifying scene in gossamer blue.
And you realized, nothing could've ever prepared you for this.
AN: I found this sad little angst-bucket on my computer. I'd actually wrote it a while back and thought I'd post it since I haven't really posted anything for a whiles. However, school's done and I'm sick (again) so I'll probably be writing quite a bit in the next week or so. Make of that what you will. ;)