Jazz sat on his berth alone. He denied Optimus access to his quarters repeatedly throughout the day. He suspected there was Energon outside, waiting for him, and while he needed it badly, he couldn't bring himself to stand. He looked down at his pedes and he cried out in emotional pain.
The pain he was feeling was crueler than blade that had sliced him or any shot he had taken. Those had been bearable. He had his mate there with him while Perceptor or Ratchet worked over him. He had been there to hold Jazz's servo while he was stitched up, patched up, and dismissed from the MedBay.
Now he was gone, robbed of his precious mate due to Megatron.
Jazz had vowed revenge, but Optimus, the great and sometimes stupid leader that he was, made Jazz promise that he wouldn't aggressively seek the warlord out. Jazz had lost all interest in everything now. Not even his dear friend Blaster could get him up and moving. Ironhide would speak to him through the door, but Jazz never replied and slowly, the 'bots left Jazz alone to his thoughts.
He remembered when he had walked out of the room earlier to get a cube of Energon. Optimus had jumped on him, asking him if he was okay, if he needed anything.
I need Prowl, he had said and he looked at the Prime.
Optimus fumbled for an answer. Jazz, I know it is hard...believe me, I know.
You don't know what it's like, Optimus! What it's like to realize that the love of your life is gone! What it's like...to realize that he's...gone. Jazz had crumpled to his knees and he had sobbed into the floor. Optimus hadn't let anyone touch him, not even himself, but Jazz knew he wanted to wrap him up and wipe his tears away. Jazz had ran away from them. Then he had locked his door and refused anyone to came to him.
Ironhide's voice came to him, snapping him to the present. "Jazz? You there, buddy? Come on, Jazz. I know it's hard, but it'll be okay again, you'll see. Prowl's still here, you know? Still with ya."
Jazz glared at the door, then laid down on Prowl's side of the berth and hoped that Prowl would come in and correct the mech once again.
That is my side of the berth, Jazz, he would say and Jazz would roll back onto his side of the berth so Prowl could lay down. Then Jazz would roll back...
But Prowl never came.
Ironhide gave up and he left, then Optimus came and announced he was leaving a thirty-second cube for him, then he left, and then the twins came and went...Bumblebee talked to him for hours about nothing, which both irritated Jazz and comforted him at the same time. He felt cold and hollow when Bumblebee finally said goodbye.
He cried into Prowl's pillow, hugging it to his chest as he curled around it and pressed his face into the fabric.
"Jazz? Are you well?"
Perceptor.
"Jazz, I have orders to examine your wounds."
How did they know he had wounds?
"Jazz, please open up."
Jazz ignored him and went back to crying.
OoO
The days muddled into one. He didn't remember when Prowl had passed. He didn't know what day it was. All he knew was that he was weak, his vitals were low, and he had lost his ability to walk. His body couldn't go on much longer, and soon, he would be with his Prowl again. He looked down at his arm and smiled a bit, his optics dimming slowly.
The door burst open and that was all Jazz could process before his optics closed.
Optimus was the one who finally got tired of waiting for Jazz to recover. He threw himself at the door and was surprised that it splintered under his weight. Then he ran to Jazz, his poor friend. He saw the self-inflicted wounds first and he whined softly. He knew Jazz would be tempted again. He knew it, he just knew it, and there was his proof, puffy and blue.
Perceptor never stopped wailing about how he was a terrible medic for letting Jazz go so easily. "I should have broken the door down, but I thought he just needed some time to himself, but he was doing this to himself! Oh, Optimus, what am I doing here? I'm not fit to be a medic if my patients wind up..." He touched Jazz's arm and sighed softly. "Optimus...he couldn't care less if we saved him..."
Optimus ignored Perceptor. He had watched Ratchet work in the MedBay long enough that he had picked up a few things. He set up an Energon drip for Jazz, then he bound his wounds with left over cloth from the humans. He didn't want to look at those anymore. He couldn't take it.
Optimus and the medics worked for hours before they had anything good to tell the team.
Jazz was waking up.
OoO
The first word out of Jazz was a curse. "Frag it, Optimus..."
Optimus touched his helm and made him lay back down. "Stay down, Jazz," he said softly.
He shoved at his servo. He knew what to say to make the Prime squirm. "You took away my right to choose..."
But Optimus was ready. "You chose wrong, Jazz. We need you here."
Jazz looked around at the team and he sighed softly. He laid his helm back down. He made a soft grunt, then he moved his helm to the side so that he could stare at a cabinet while Ratchet cleaned and rebound his arm.
The team made a collective "oooooh" and they winced at the same time when they saw his wounds, but no one yelled at him, no one demanded to know what he was thinking. They just touched his helm, his shoulder, his knee, and said "it's going to be okay".
But Jazz didn't feel okay. He didn't know if he'd ever feel okay.
OoO
Little by little, Jazz healed and his wounds became scars. Bumblebee didn't stare at his arm whenever they patrolled together. Optimus didn't ask if he was okay. Perceptor didn't ask to rate his pain from 1 to 10. They thought he was fine now. And he was, but he would never be perfect.
There was a hole in his spark, a hole that could never be filled no matter what anyone did or would do. He wanted his Prowl, but he figured he could wait a couple more years.
Hey, he joked weakly. Maybe he'll be more agreeable in a couple eons.
He looked up at the stars and sighed, wondering which one of those was Prowl. He picked one, memorized its location, and spoke to it whenever he had something to say to Prowl.
And sometimes, if he was watching, the star would wink at just the right time as if Prowl really was listening to his mate even after he was gone.
"I want you here," he whispered one night. He didn't expect anything, but then a light breeze swept over him and he swore he heard a scold from Prowl.
I never left and never will.
Jazz hugged his knees to his chest and he looked up at the star again.
It winked.