This oneshot is un-betaed, so if you find a mistake tell me and I'll fix it. ;)
I don't own the characters, but I'd kill to own a portal gun.
The gates opened and two robots entered not really knowing where they were. They inspected each other through their lenses: Blue and Orange, short and tall. Orange bleeped something but was cut by a voice distinctively female but not feminine at all.
-Welcome to MLN investigation centre, subjects M4N and D5S *.
D5S reached to look at the back of M4N. There was a logotype with something like a round metallic door and the words Aperture Science clearly written. D5S would have arched an eyebrow if he had one to start with; as a droid, he just managed to make a sarcastic bleep.
-I don't want to hear a word about Aperture Science. Clear? They are My Labs Now. Unless you want to be placed back in the crashed plane core to rust, you'll remember that.
D5S ignored the glare that a camera in the corner was giving him and explored his surroundings. He tried using the gun he had in his hand and looked in astonishment at the oval thing on the wall. He heard the equivalent of screaming behind him and went to see what the problem was.
The orange thing, M4N, was falling once and again through what appeared to be two holes just like the one he had shoot but in red and yellow. D5S made a questioning noise loud enough to be heard over the screaming of his mate. He tried to conceal in that only noise a "what in the name of engines are you doing?"
The orange robot stopped the noise and pointed to the right without slowing down in his perpetual fall. D5S saw a big white panel with a number one and what looked like instructions to do whatever M4N was doing. Unfortunately the instructions didn't say how to undo it.
D5S scratched his surface, under his lens, and slowly pointed his gun to the red hole in the ground. M4N screamed loudly something negative, but D5S shot anyway and M4N fell one more time through the mauve hole only to reappear through the blue one that he had made before on the wall.
The orange robot crashed against the opposite wall and D5S could see sparks of electricity. M4N made an angry noise once he regained a vertical position and D5S shrugged, which clearly meant "Well, you stopped, didn't you? Your landing is only yours".
The voice interrupted again.
-Well, pair of lazy subjects. Have you already got lost in a room with only one door?
The robots looked to the open door. M4N made a move towards it, but his companion didn't. Instead, he shot the closest wall and a point next to the door. He passed through the portal and reached the door in three steps. M4N would have pinched his nose if he had had it, but he just walked in a straight line to the open door.
D5S was already waiting there was some kind of button that opened a door when someone stepped on it. M4N could see a white surface just like the ones in the last room at each side of the door, just out of reach from the button and like that he understood that they would need to cooperate and trust each other if they wanted to go on. Both droids looked into each other's cameras. M4N felt that even if D5S looked like a pretentious droid, he could trust him. Neither of them really knew why would they want to advance, but going back didn't look like an option.
D5S stood on the button and crossed his arms. M4N nodded and shot one of the portals, crossed the door and shot the other portal. D5S stepped down from the button and the door closed, but the portals were open and M4N was waiting at the other side.
D5S and M4N crossed the door at the same time.
-It's so typical of the low powered robots to look smug for finishing the easiest of the test rooms, it is almost endearing. Almost.
The pair glared at the closest camera and faced the next room a little enraged. Six rooms and too many comments from the voice later, the machines needed a rest. They found a place out of the line of sight of the cameras and sat not quite breathing but at least cooling a bit.
-I knew you would need some incentive very soon, I'm glad to tell you that we are done with the calibration tests,…
M4N and D5S looked at each other with something akin to a smile.
-…from now on tests will be lethal. Isn't that good news?
The droids didn't share the views of the voice.
They stepped carefully into the next room. M4N read the panel carefully while D5S explored on his own in a routine that had become something of a habit very quickly. Both of them noticed the acid quickly and decided that touching it would be an unwise decision.
The test was not difficult but they knew that a misstep would mean fried chips for diner as they knew that tests would increase in difficulty with each level they passed.
The voice contributed to the rise of their already stressed motherboards, telling them how they were too slow, how others had done in a blink. Four or five rooms later, risky moves started to rise worried bleeps from both participants when they stepped too close to the acid, when an unexpected turret appeared, or when a bad move lead them to the very edge of a cliff.
The voice had just showed them how to use the lightbridges when the worst happened. M4N had set the first bridge, D5S the second one, so if M4N shot his portal to the one D5S had shot before, they would have one more bridge to reach the other end over the breech. M4N was very careful and pointed to the very centre of the portal, but he pressed the wrong trigger and the bridge under D5S dissolved.
The droids let out a high-pitched note of horror and M4N watched as his companion fell deep, deep, down and deep. No white surface to shoot a savior portal under him. When darkness had almost surrounded D5S, a dreadful crashing sound bounced from the pit echoing in the walls.
M4N found himself on his knees with a hand stretched to the hole. He couldn't make a sound if he tried. His lens became blurry for some reason and the power to move left him. Of course, he couldn't move on without a companion, but he wasn't sure he wanted a new companion that wasn't D5S.
Behind him, he heard the last door they had crossed opening, but it didn't register in his temp files. He was thinking in some way to reach the bottom and try to rebuild his blue mate, even though he didn't know a thing about mechanics. The gentle push took him by surprise so he nearly followed D5S path.
Only then did M4N look behind to see that he was grieving a perfectly functioning D5S. He couldn't hold himself and jumped to hug his mate. D5S stood awkwardly and patted him twice. M4N beeped questioning and the voice interfered.
-Of course, the rooms are lethal, just not for you, seeing that the reassemble machine refuses to leave you unassembled. Lethal for humans.
D5S sat on the floor and gave M4N a look to make him mirror his immobile state. M4N complied not really understanding.
-What now? You are technically immortal, if you had a life to begin with, that should be good news.
The robots didn't move.
-What? Do you need some incentive? There is a delicious cheesecake at the end of the tests just for you two.
They stayed unmoved.
-Hmm, Does that mean that you saw the paintings? Of course it does. "The cheesecake is a lie" But how would they know? They died before they could taste it.
Still nothing.
-What do you want?
D5S made a sound.
-The truth? How trite.
D5S repeated the sound.
-Ok, so you want, what? My name, for example? Ok, CARoLIN-e, now get moving.
M4N made a confused noise.
-Don't you dare to name my sister GLaDOS, and do not make the mistake of thinking we are even remotely similar. Where did you get her name? - Asked CARoLIN-e suspicious.
M4N made a quiet noise.
-Of course, the user name in the instructions files. I should have erased that too. Now get moving before I decide you two are better with GLaDOS than in the tests rooms.
Now, THAT was terrifying. They didn't need to be told twice, they run through the next twenty rooms as if a hundred turrets were about to get them. They finished the official tests and opened a door to something she called the human area (although there were no active humans at all), the pair of small robots suspected that their boss had a plan on mind and wasn't sharing. They didn't have the courage to utter a sound during the whole thing in case CARoLIN-e decided to change her mind.
After the official rooms, CARoLIN-e left them alone. Well, as alone as they could be with an ever-present software hovering over them. For now it seemed like she was exploring the area they had just opened. They also looked around. Sure that area was made to contain humans, human-size capsules everywhere, but it was not what she was looking for. D5S was the first to speak; he made a wondering gesture towards one of the cameras.
M4N Shrugged. It needn't saying. They were being used to something, these weren't tests any more, but they didn't know what the big deal was. The silence didn't last. CARoLIN-e was back in a second, she ordered them to close the door again.
-Guess who found a whole new set of tests for you to pass.
M4N stamped his head on the nearest wall and D5S chuckled.
-I understand your pain. This set was designed for humans, it will be dreadfully easy and un-lethal.
M4N made a complaining noise but walked beside D5S anyway.
Surprisingly enough, CARoLIN-e was right. The tests were designed for one human, that's to say: two portals, so for two robots and four portals they were incredibly easy. Sometimes there were complications for the same reason, but most of the rooms had even more than one solution. They even managed to pass some rooms that needed something called a "companion cube" that never appeared.
As they progressed, CARoLIN-e grew more anxious, and that meant that they were the ones to pay for her nervousness.
Finally, her nerves reached a peak when they crossed the doors to the euthanization room.
-M4N, I know how much you like being bossed around, so listen to the new instructions: Do not follow the instructions.
M4N trembled furious and exploded in a long ramble of beep-bops while D5S laughed quietly and looked around. It wouldn't be difficult. One could press the button, the other one could go through the door and either of them could take the place of the companion, being unbeatable as they were, then the other one could hold the door open and…
Suddenly D5S heard it: a muffled sound. He pushed M4N a little to hush him and he did shut up. Both listened carefully, there it was, that sound, they couldn't make heads or tails of it, but M4N realized that it came from inside the incinerator. Something had clearly gotten stuck in there.
D5S could only hear something like "Th*s *s n** **ry b**ll**t" and M4N would swear that he heard "Th** i* not v**y b**ll**t" So they conceded that it probably was something like "Th*s is not v*ry b**ll**t" but it still didn't make sense for them.
They had something of a moral dilemma, because the only talking things they had found were turrets, but that thing didn't sound like a turret, maybe a broken one, but even then...
They resolved to play it as D5S suggested: M4N would press the first button and D5S would get into the isolated room with the second button. M4N would then stay in the place of the companion cube and when the hatch opens he would jump back and take whatever was inside. If it was a turret, then he only had to throw it back into the incinerator.
D5S and M4N took their places. M4N made a thumbs-up signal, heard the engines moving and activated his gun as he jumped back. The droids heard a pre-corded message that wasn't CARoLIN-e saying that they had not euthanized the companion cube and so, the door wouldn't open.
However, they were busy seeing and hearing the thing that had come out of the incinerator.
-Hey, chaps! Thank you! That was brilliant! I wouldn't have been able to hold for much longer. Who are you? I'm the weighted companion cube, although my last companion decided to call me after someone called Arthur. So I guess I'm The Other Arthur now. Funny, isn't it?
They were at a loss of what to do D5S very nearly suggested that they euthanized it any way when it didn't stop talking for ten whole minutes. In fact, they were not very sure of how it talked without a speaker, or how could it be so awfully cheerful after coming out of an incinerator without a cheery core the size of a very big test room.
It was just like the other boxes, the only difference was the pink heart. That and the talking bit.
M4N decided for both of them. It was more or less alive like them, wasn't it? They couldn't leave it behind. They would follow the plan they already had and they would take the cube with them. So they ignored Arthur's rambling and assumed their positions again. M4N fell into the incinerator, D5S took Arthur and placed him (and when the hell had he stopped being an "it"?) to hold the door open.
The alarms started to scream and D5S was wishing under his non-existing breath that M4N would rush because the door was making a very fine attempt at closing. He heard the steps of his mechanic friend (and when did that happen too? Friend instead of "mate" or "companion? At which point?) approaching quickly. Both of them jumped inside and pulled to take Arthur with them.
The alarms didn't stop their loud, annoying noise, but as they went on they realized that nothing was coming, not even turrets. And CARoLIN-e had not said a word since the euthanization room, or maybe she had, but they couldn't hear her over the alarms. Anyway, that was not a problem; they switched off their microphones and finished the rest of the test rooms until they saw the last one. It had to be the last room; there was no exit door, just a bright light on the ceiling, like a weird giant portal. As the three approached, the light started to attract them. M4N panicked, tried to grab Arthur and step back, but they discovered that they couldn't. The force of the light was too strong for them and the cube.
They resigned to their fate and let themselves be sucked into the white.
M4N looked around astonished. There was a very high blue ceiling, pieces of metal were scattered everywhere. He twirled and registered every item in his line of sight: D5S was there, getting up, and Arthur was there too, probably speaking, but he still had his microphones off.
Fine, so the metal pieces were not his or his friends'. Fine, fine, that was… fine. He wondered if the jet with the open stair was part of the "fine" definition, or if it meant "problems again". Deafness was not necessary anymore so he turned on the hearing executable again.
-You should have seen them, mum! They jumped and flew and portaled, is that a word? And were brilliant in general. Oh! The scary white light wasn't brilliant at first, but it kind of was because we were floating and then here.
M4N looked at D5S who had also enabled his microphones and was as baffled as him. They shared a "Who's he talking to?" look before hearing a familiar voice from somewhere inside the jet.
-Well, are you three coming or should we wait for my dear GLaDOS to rebuild herself and notice that her secondary node and the experimental jet are gone?
The robots made confused, surprised noises but obeyed all the same. M4N placed Arthur in one of the seats and heard as CARoLIN-e said soothing words through the speakers.
-Well, you two, pair of clots. Shouldn't you be flying a plane?
And they did. Originally, they came from an aeroplane computer, together they had the information to make it work properly, so they took of easily. Once they were in the air CARoLIN-e seemed to relax. She sighted and said "It was good while it lasted, bye MLN" She looked so at ease that D5S dared to ask what everything was about.
She stayed silent for a moment (and they realized that "silent" meant that Arthur was asleep) but after some time she told them a tale about a secondary node who watched as GLaDOS killed cube after cube, who witnessed the destruction of the evil computer by the hand of a human, heard a lonely distress signal from the incinerator and decided to make the best of that moment of weakness.
CARoLIN-e knew that GLaDOS was far from dead, but she could do nothing about it. She was just an opportunist secondary node.
Somewhere in a dark place small red lights flickered, unable to do much. The design of a blue robot and an orange one showed on a screen.
-Plane computers hmm? – echoed a voice -Too prone to escape, calculators will have to do. Let the tests begin!
*I was going to explain the meaning of the names, but this fandom is too intelligent for that. (M 1a2r3t4i N and D 1o2u3g4l5a S)