Rating: M for language and bizarre story concepts.
This is what happens when I decide the best way to study for an Advanced Placement European History essay test is to use my 'creative talents'.
I think my sleep deprivation kicked in and added an unhealthy amount of crack to this.
Hopefully it'll make you laugh.
At the very least, you'll never see Elizabeth I the same way again.
Don't bother with the past when you can't control the present
When France is on the brink of a devastating war with Spain, making inane references to Elvis' secret lair is not the best thing to be doing.
"Naruto, please don't inflict your stupidity on the rest of Europe. Go in the closet like we told you.'
Kakashi, wearing an extremely poufy fringed collar, looked at Sasuke the way one looks at a 20 page essay that consists only of the same word repeated over and over again.
"Now now, Elizabeth, be kind to your fellow monarch."
"My name isn't fucking Elizabeth you insane bastard."
Sasuke was, as usual, less than pleased. One could say he was very extremely less than pleased. In fact, so extremely less than pleased was he that he was actually more that pleased.
For, as darling Magellan discovered, what goes up eventually goes down.
Kakashi said as much to his class of disgruntled students.
"Was that the guy who circumcised the globe?" Naruto, in all his ridiculousness, missed just slightly.
"Circumnavigated." Sasuke's monotone voice was full of obviously life-threatening PMS.
Kakashi stretched, relishing the tense atmosphere. It reminded him of his latest read.
Except that ended in fucking, not a history lesson.
He sighed nostalgically.
"Excuse me, Philip. I would like to harbor a complaint." Sakura coughed and Kakashi motioned his servant come hither.
She looked a bit uncomfortable in her leopard print cat suit.
"I know Elizabeth I was Queen of England at this time and all, but couldn't you have chosen…you know...someone other than Sasuke to play her?"
They both turned and regarded the boy who looked remarkably dashing in his hooped skirt, despite the full force death glare.
Kakashi smothered a chuckle. "No."
He dismissed the girl balefully and announced in a grand-sounding voice. "On with the Lesson! Assume your positions, nations."
People moved, skirts danced across the floor, anti-Protestant legislation whispered in the breeze, and endless treaties screamed their cries to an uncaring audience.
Or maybe Kakashi just took this 16th century reenactment thing too seriously. He blamed it on Tsunade. Silly bitch had to add a history segment to their study plan.
He coughed, started speaking and suddenly the class became aware of yet another of their teacher's hidden talents.
Spontaneous falsetto.
While wearing a Spanish military uniform.
But whatever.
"Her Majesty, Elizabeth I!"
And all the idiosyncratic glory that was Sasuke entered the room, resplendent in a gold dress that engulfed his entire body and nearly half the room along with it. His face was set in a familiar scowl that made the overall effect seem more of a prowling lion than a virgin queen.
The exorcist theme song played in Kakashi's mind.
The boy coughed, reached a hand down the bodice that jutted out nearly 6 inches with only empty space between the fabric and his chest, and pulled out a manuscript that looked near 100 pages thick and bound with the itchiest fabric imaginable, nylon.
That, Kakashi thought, explained a lot.
"I, Elizabeth," Sasuke glared at the room in general, daring it to so much as snicker, "supply the Netherlands with money and troops to help them resist the Spanish." Sasuke glared at Naruto, the only person daring to giggle at the previous fighting machine now virgin queen. "I seem to be constantly at war with Spain, and totally destroyed their armada when they tried to invade."
He made to replace the manuscript but, as if it had a little paper mind of its own, it fluttered down to the ground, right in front of him. Him, wearing the huge hoop skirt. His eye twitched as the class wondered at both how such a thick manuscript was made up of only 2 sentences and how his ass would look if he tried to bend over in that dress.
Sasuke made to move forward and absorb the manuscript underneath the dress, but Naruto got there first, snatching up the document.
And leafing through it.
Then laughing a bit.
Naruto paused at a page while Sasuke stretched out his arms and flailed them weakly, but the blond was out of arm's length.
Naruto showed Sasuke the page. "England doesn't look like that, silly."
Sasuke's eye twitched as he looked at the very amateur drawing of a sleeping person. So amateur, it was nearly impossible to ascertain any details from it…. except vividly blond hair and 6 scars on the person's face.
Naruto smiled blandly and replaced the document in Sasuke's cleavage.
Sasuke's face participated in an orchestra of synchronized twitching.
Kakashi clapped balefully. "Now that England and the Netherlands have established first contact, let's introduce France!"
And Sakura crawled out from under Sasuke's skirt.
She licked her lips.
"Did you know there's a martini bar under there?"
Sasuke invented a whole new level of twitching in that moment.
Sakura's cat suit had been strategically pierced with those little olive on sticks that people go absolutely crazy over at parties and end up circling around them like a group of crazed olive vultures.
Not that Sasuke knew about this or anything.
Or really minded having a martini bar between his legs.
It was just the principle, really.
The girl coughed and stood, brushing her suit off. Because obviously the little bar between Sasuke's legs was dusty.
"I am.." She spun around deliriously, stumbling only once. "Richelieu! And I am here to piss you off then run away and hide." She poked Sasuke's cleavage. "You're such a fag." She skipped over to Naruto and announced, "You've got the hots for the fag." She then shimmied over to Kakashi and did a little dance before winking and whispering, "You've got the hots for the two fags going at it together."
"Oh Richelieu. Your innocence has been cruelly ripped away." Ino crawled out from under Sasuke's skirt, martini glass in hand. "Who knew you got so sexual after only one drink?"
"Shut up Louis! I run the goddamn country and you know it. Now go back in the closet where you belong!"
Ino shrugged. "Only if it's the Martini bar closet."
Sasuke decided he needed to put a neon-lit 'Closed' sign on his skirt.
He looked down at the fancily dressed Ino, her poufy pants ripped so far up Sasuke could see a hello kitty garter that winked obnoxiously at him. He chose to preserve the remnants of his sanity and pretend he hadn't seen it.
"Is there anyone else in there I should know about?"
She shrugged. "Only the regulars."
Sasuke twitched, Sakura shimmied some more, and Ino tried to work the kink out of her shoulder by shrugging again.
Meanwhile, Naruto was trying to work his way into the Martini bar the back way. Unfortunately, the closed sign that had magically appeared stopped him in his tracks. He sat back on his haunches and decided this was a good time to start contemplating the very complex meaning of right and wrong when in different situations.
This, of course, was ample time for Chouji to reach out from under Sasuke's skirt, grab Naruto's ankle, and pull him down into the festive Martini Bar of doom. Ino and Sakura winked at each other, Kakashi tried and failed to whistle his way into innocence, and Sasuke started wondering why he could hear obnoxiously gay disco music coming up from his cleavage.
Non-cleavage, that is.
It was then that their teacher realized if he were ever to seriously consider adding a history class to his schedule, he would need to gag and bind both Naruto and Sasuke.
Kakashi snickered.
Fin.
Everyone needs a little bit of stress release, sometimes in the form of conspicously placed Martini bars.
All Readers appreciated, Reviewers adored, Flamers accepted, and Constructive Criticizers given a week long all-expenses paid vacation in the city of their choice.