Maybe this is the next best thing to The Last Cinderella story. Tuna and me have quite a corrupted brain when stressed. Actually, I was the one stressed yesterday =D.
And for some fuck reason, since we can't figure out who the hell would breed such a psycho, we just put the main hero as a product of Lezard and Lenneth. -.-'''' (WHAT! ITS STILL SQUEENIX IN A WAY! PLAY WITH ME HERE!).
Anyways, I dedicate this whole entire fic to Tuna who helped me come out with the title...and requested a fairytale to butcher, ever since I wrote "The Last Cinderella" story.
oOo
Once upon a time in the land that never was to begin with (yes, that's the actual name of the land. Don't ask me why the hell it was named that way. My guess is that the people there were trying to be original for fear of copyright stuffs and that entire lawsuit crap), a baby was born to a happy King and Queen.
...Well, more like an overly happy necromancer turned King who got himself hooked up to the love of his life, by a stroke of luck.
Yes, you got that right. The Queen was not one bit excited. In fact, she was still quite weak from that God awful child birth and the last thing she wanted was an argument with her captor ...er...we meant, HUSBAND, about the name of their son.
For the sake of keeping this story short and sweet (and on track), we won't go into the issue of why or how this particular king and queen even became king and queen or got married to each other in this one sided relationship in the first place (because that would involve the whole entire plot of Valkyrie Profile).
King Lezard Valeth had been arguing with his wife about the name of their baby for many months. Queen Lenneth Valkyrie had previously refused to sit on one name because she had no idea if their wretched child will be a boy or a girl.
On top of quarreling over names, Lenneth was also determined to make sure that her child will NOT grow up to be like his crazy father (Lezard already had plans to teach him the art of world domination and his idea of bedtime stories had originally involved stories of how he had overthrown Odin from his throne).
"What shall his name be?" Frei asked as she began poking at the snoozing bundle in the cradle.
Lezard paced around the room. "That's the problem! We haven't come up with a single name! Thanks to Lenneth!"
Lenneth threw a vase with precise accuracy (all her valkyrie training had thought her the art of maiming an enemy from afar with deadly accuracy after all) and grinned in satisfaction as the useless glass ornament shattered against her husband's thick skull.
Lezard grunted. Had it been any other person, he would've beheaded them with his bare hands. But this was Lenneth his love but damn, that still hurt!
A calm, elderly Goddess stepped in between the unhappy couple.
"May I propose a suggestion?" Eir asked, looking at the glaring duo. Without awaiting their reply, she continued. "We hold a celebration for the child and perhaps, someone could come up with a suitable name for this currently, nameless child?"
And a celebration it was.
Lezard decided that it would do them some good to announce to the entire universe that they have a son. Not a daughter, but a SON! Lezard feared that had it been a daughter, it would be another Lenneth clone (and that meant double the PMS!) but thank himself (for he is a God or so he thinks) that he is lucky enough to get a son! A SON!
Invitations were sent out and amongst those invited were the three great fairies.
The first fairy was a fiery red haired fairy. Her wings resembled those of a butterflies with intricate gold and blood red designs carved into their delicate surface. Her shoulder length red hair spoke volumes about her attitude and she had arrived waaay early to the celebration for she was eager to present the prince her carefully planned gift.
Kairi pulled her pink dress down, making sure that the many zippers of her dress weren't malfunctioned. Just as she was about to enter the castle dramatically, another shorter fairy crashed into her.
This fairy had really short black hair and she wore a gloomy outfit of black. Despite the gothic touch to her appearance, this fairy was the youngest (and shortest) and the only reason why Kairi hadn't strangled her on the spot for nearly ruining her dress was because the third fairy was lingering nearby...
...In her shining armor.
Lord forgives if Kairi were to strangle Xion in the presence of the great fairy, Aqua.
Xion squeaked and flailed around slightly, getting off Kairi. "I'm so sorry!"
Kairi gritted her teeth and stood up, brushing dirt off the clingy fabric of her dress. If there was one thing she hated about her dress, it was the problem of dust and dirt clinging onto the surface of the fabric and the act of casting spells every 2 seconds to get rid of the stubborn ick, was quite tiring.
A gallant knight in metallic blue armor, hopped off her keyblade glider (which resembled a futuristic...craft of some sort) and hurried over to the red fairy.
"Pray tell you weren't hurt in that accident?" The blue fairy's voice was gentle and calm.
A part of Kairi wanted to experiment what would've happened had she declared herself to be quite injured from that simple fall but luck wasn't on her side tonight as the annoying gothic fairy jumped up and down.
"We are 10 minutes behind time!" Xion cried. "It's impolite to keep the King and Queen waiting!"
Oh well, there was always the dance to look forward to.
Count on Xion to ruin every damn thing.
"I agree." Kairi nodded. "Further more, it was only a simple fall. I'm not hurt, trust me."
Before any weirder yuri hinted situations can take place at this point, let's just say that the three fairies entered the castle and were immediately directed to the ballroom by the guards.
The celebration indeed a grand affair. Royalties from various lands, far and wide, were invited to this dump of a Dusk filled city.
"Ah! They're finally here!" Lezard stood up as he saw the three fairies walking in.
"Indeed, we apologize for the delay though." Aqua bowed. "There was huge air traffic somewhere...up there."
Xion blinked. "That's only because you were a careless driver. Had you not rammed into that cargo ship in your desperation to use a warp drive, you probably wouldn't have caused that huge accident which in turn, created quite a huge hold up in space."
A light, barely noticeable twitch graced the side of Aqua's lips.
Kairi smirked. Cars were always better and Kairi had gotten to her destination of choice by driving a hot wired Porsche.
"Hey, at least I got both of us here, right?" Aqua snapped at the annoying gothic fairy.
Before Xion could protest, an elderly mage made his way up to the winged trio.
Everyone knew who he was. Master Eraqus, the mage governing over the element of light (Yes, the master himself is very much aware over how lame his title is), had promised the Queen that he would name the child. Accompanying the great Master Eraqus was his student, Ventus. The blonde, blue eyed boy had a smile that pretty much won the hearts of everyone but Lezard.
Lezard on the other hand, was already quite ticked off that the Queen had invited this old guy to the party without informing him.
"Were you even invited?" Lezard snarled.
Lenneth kicked him at the back of his knees. "Oh Great Master Eraqus, please forgive my husband."
"Ah, I'm not a stranger to such violent behaviors." The elderly man replied, completely ignoring the necromancer (much to Lenneth's delight). "I must thank you for inviting me to such a joyous occasion."
Lenneth shook her head. "Oh no, it is an honor to have you here with us today."
"I must admit that there is no greater honor other then being given the chance to name your son." Eraqus said, glancing over at the cradle in the middle of the room, where the three fairies where currently...gathered at.
Kairi poked at the curious bundle in the cradle and her actions were immediately rewarded with the baby grabbing her finger and putting it in his mouth.
"...This guy's quite hyper." Ventus noted as he passed Xion a drink.
Xion accepted the cold fruit punch. "Thank you!"
Aqua on the other hand, was beginning to feel a weird buzz in her head after consuming her 3rd glass of fruit punch.
"I feel a bit odd." The knight er...fairy, said as she examined the glass of fruit punch suspiciously.
Kairi began wrestling with the baby, who was hell bent on eating her finger. "Don't tell me you are going to get drunk on fruit punch!"
I mean, who in the right mind would serve alcohol in a fairy tale bed time story? Especially one that mainly involves underage Disney kids?
"I'm serious! There is some alcohol in this fruit punch!" Aqua cried as Xion and Ventus downed their 5th glasses nearby ...and began giggling about star fruits.
Kairi grabbed Aqua's glass and attempted to pour the alcohol laden fruit punch down the baby's throat.
"The hell are you doing!" Aqua grabbed the red fairy's arm.
"Trying to knock this damn bundle out, that's what I'm doing!" Kairi cried as she grabbed the glass back.
Sadly, Kairi wasn't as tall as Aqua.
While the two fairies were busy wrestling over a glass of spiked punch (with the third fairy busy rubbing herself against Master Eraqus' equally drunk student), Eraqus walked by and took the glass from Aqua's outstretched hand, thinking that the girl was offering him the drink freely.
Little did he know that the damn thing had a jug full of Japanese rice wine in it.
The red and blue fairy watched in horror as the elderly man downed the drink.
On Eraqus part, he couldn't figure out why in the world were the two ladies looking at him as if he had just committed a grave crime, nor did he notice Ventus attempting to smooch Xion (ahhh young kids...).
Oblivious to this whole alcohol situation, Lenneth strode over to the cradle. "It has been decided. My child will be named Xemnas."
Kairi blinked, dumbfounded.
It was a strange name.
Hell, if you re-arrange the letters, won't it add up to 'mansex' ?
Xion clapped her hands excitedly, "That is a great name!"
What's so great about naming your son MANSEX? Kairi was damn puzzled but oh well, its not her fault that this kid is going to grow up miserable because of his name.
"In fact, I have a perfect gift for him!" The gothic fairy continued. "He will grow up to have good looks!"
...At least that would make up for his ridiculous name. Kairi mused.
Aqua laughed, the alcohol creating quite a buzz in her head. "Oh yes! And he better have some good leadership skills to go along with that looks, eh?" She waved her magic wand er...Keyblade around, proud of her gift.
Lezard was pleased with the gifts his son was receiving of course.
After all, leadership skills and good looks are an important factor for future world domination leaders (think of how many fangirls would swoon at his feet?).
Lenneth on the other hand was hoping that Kairi would give her son something more useful then world domination skills.
Before Kairi could even bless ...the finger eating baby (Kairi was THIS close to smashing her keyblade against Xemnas' cranium), the lights in the castle went off.
"Oh yeh I think I know this part!" A random guest chimed. "This is where the baddie comes in, right?"
Well said, random guest.
This dramatic 'the bad guy has arrived' scenario continued for a few more minutes before a loud crash was heard.
"Damnit! What the hell did I crash into!" An annoyed voice cried out in pain. "Vanitas! Switch the damn lights on! I can't see a damn thing in this damn dark!"
"Oh, ok."
The lights came back on and the entire party crowd saw a bald old man, who was trying to dislodge his head from a salad bowl.
Eraqus stared at the sight of his rival. "What a splendid entrance. I must applaud you for your originality, Xehanort."
The bald man, named Xehanort, growled and tossed the salad bowl aside. "You're just jealous that I have the natural flair and talent for such a thing!"
"I believe, my 'natural flair' and 'talents' lies in other much more useful things. Making a dramatic entrance in the dark only to get my head stuck in a salad bowl, isn't one of my talents or interests." Eraqus calmly noted as his rival plucked another stray piece of lettuce from his head.
"Oh shut it!" Xehanort threw a piece of tomato at the samurai (Eraqus dodged that one easily by calmly side stepping). "My student is far more better then you!"
Eraqus looked at the poor boy and prayed that Vanitas would somehow rebel and stab this senile man in the back one day. He would rather deal with Maleficient over this guy at any time of the day.
That and Maleficient was an awesome evil witch, next to Ursula.
"Anyways, I came here because I wasn't invited!" Xehanort pointed at Lenneth accusingly.
The Valkyrie blinked. "Then that would defeat our purpose of not inviting you, right?"
Lezard on the other hand, was wondering why in the world had he not heard a single word about this awesome bald creepy man! He could've joined up with him earlier on and overthrow the Gods faster!
"Yeh well I came here not to defeat your purpose or whatever, I came here to curse your child!" Xehanort announced.
"...You really need a life."
"SHUT UP ERAQUS!" Xehanort summoned his keyblade. "For not inviting me to this party of yours, I will curse your child!"
"You're really repeating yourself." Eraqus was getting really impatient with this mad man.
Ignoring Eraqus, Xehanort pointed his keyblade to the cradle (Kairi was STILL trying to get the baby to free her finger) "When he grows up, he will get stabbed by my student, Vanitas and he will die!"
"Uh, can you give us an age in which he is fated to die?" Vanitas was just curious. He HAD to prepare for that day as well, after all.
"Oh, well, around 25 or so. Now, ENJOY your pathetic party, stupid Valkyrie!"
With a maniac laugh, he began to exit the hall dramatically with a grand display of dried ice smoke concealing him from sight.
"Well, that took care of him." Lenneth and Eraqus had both seen their fair share of mad people and Xehanort wasn't something new to them both.
- SMACK! -
"Damnit Vanitas! I told you to put an Exit sign that lights up, on the damn door! Now I can't see where the hell I'm going!" Xehanort yelled in pain.
"Uh sir, I'm sure the door is right ahead..." Vanitas' voice sheepishly pointed out.
Eraqus cleared his throat. "Actually, it's more to your right."
"Oh, thank you Eraqus."
"Isn't that...the window...?" Lenneth quietly observed as Xehanort fell out of the window. Thankfully, the thick cloud of dried ice smoke concealed the guests from his ungraceful exit.
"That's gonna hurt in the morning..."
Vanitas waved it off. "Trust me, that old bag of bones will be fine in a couple of days. Now, I must take my leave." With that, the student of the great Master Xehanort, left...thankfully in a much more dignified manner (he used the door).
Lezard was a bit pissed. His plans for establishing a business deal with that Xenoheart, whatever his name was, person, had totally been RUINED when he cursed his son! To death!
"Now what?" Ventus sighed. "Can't anyone undo the curse?"
All eyes turned towards Kairi (who finally got her finger free from the baby's mouth).
"I can't take the curse away." Unleashing the Destiny's Embrace from her hammerspace, the red haired fairy pointed it at the new born. "When he turns 25, instead of facing death, he will slumber for a thousand years until someone he's fated to spend the rest of his life with, wakes him up."
- End of Part 1 -