Before we begin the story, let us take a look at the situation at hand. A lady sits with preposterous posture on her bed, papers strewn around her, files all over the floors and every hard surface in her room. She is writing furiously without pause, continuously perusing her notes, double and triple checking herself into perfection even at this ungodly hour of four' o clock in the morning. This hard at work lady is none other than Hermione Granger. Dedicated, isn't she? Working hard contributing to the Restoration of Hogwarts, an honest and just cause, right? Many are beyond adoring to the war heroine; she gives so much of herself, doesn't she? Like an angel.
But what is this? Is that...is that a bitter little smile she's wearing? Surely not! Hermione Granger does not smile bitterly, she smile's with open happiness. No, no... that was just the lighting casting shadows on her face...
But wait, how could this be? Hermione Granger letting out an animalistic cry? Hermione Granger flinging all the covers and papers off onto the floor? Hermione Granger shooting off her bed and blasting everything in sight?
What could possibly wrong with her?
Breathing frantically, wand arm still poised in front of her, standing in the carnage of her ruined room, Hermione Granger did not look like herself. She looked...
Positively mad.
That was it really. It had to be. She must be going mad.
Her glamour hid the dark circles under her eyes as she smiled at the students as she breezed quickly past, her carefully planned schedules and charts held tight to her chest.
"Miss Granger!" Headmistress McGonagall called, causing Hermione to turn with her smile unwavering. "Might I have a word?"
"Of course, Pro-Headmistress." She quickly corrected as McGonagall smiled at her slip and patted her shoulder lightly as they moved away from the bustle of the crowd.
"You don't have to correct yourself, Miss. Granger. I myself cannot quite get used to the notion yet and find myself often having to do a double take when I get addressed. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you finished up the outline-"
"Already have it here, Headmistress." Hermione supplied, readily pulling out one of her files to hand to her.
"Oh! Wonderful! I was hoping that you might but since its not due for another two days I wasn't sure but then again, it is you we are talking about! I knew I could count on you!" The old woman bolstered, taking the file happily.
Hermione's maintained her smile, her cheeks feeling sore as her eye gave a barely perceivable twitch.
"Yes, thank you. It was no trouble, really-"
"Oh, is that Hermione Granger I see!" A great bellowing voice boomed out. Hermione did not falter as Professor Slughorn hazardously maneuvered through the crowd to where she stood.
"Hello Professor Slughorn," she greeted as the jiggly man sucked in quick heaving breaths, completely out of shape.
"Horace, are you alright?" McGonagall asked as Slughorn leaned a large meaty hand against her and Hermione's shoulder, making the both of them stagger slightly under the weight. It took him a minute to catch his breath before he waved a dismissive hand.
"Quite alright, quite alright, just a little out of shape is all from climbing all these steps. I was actually heading over to see you, Hermione-"
"Then I must be on my way," McGonagall said, retracting Slughorns hand as she gave them both smiles and tipped the file Hermione gave her in thanks. "I am very grateful for this, Granger. You both have a great day, and do try to exercise a little more Horace." McGongall chastised, giving him stern look over her classes before swooping away.
"Right," Slughorn started, ignoring McGonagall. "I looked over some of the medicinal potions we brewed last week, Miss. Granger, and thought you'd like to come back down to the dungeons later on today for a bit more tweaking. Although your thesis made a good argument that Billywig guts would nullify the restorative properties of the mandrake leaves I'm afraid the actual trial run is proving to be against you! If you have time later on today..."
Her mental checklist showed that she might be able to squeeze in a visit if she went without dinner and revamped the group schedules for the oversight leaders instead which meant she this would be her third day going without seeing Ron, her supposed 'boyfriend'.
"Absolutely, Professor. I will most definitely be there! I'll go to the library to double check my hypothesis and-"
"Granger!" Hermione looked passed Slughorns bulky mass to see Justin Finch-Fletchley heading her way.
"Ho ho ho, I'll let you go, Hermione. I can see you're a reliable girl like you is in high demand and very busy! I'll expect you around, say, seven thirty?"
"Yes, that would be perfect." she responded as the man gave her a bright smile before waddling away, calling out to some other prominent faces as he went.
"Hello Justin." Hermione said as he approached before he launched into another task to add to her to-do list.
As the day went on more and more people came up to demand things of Hermione. She accepted six other tasks deciding that six would be a sufficient amount of things to do so that she would not have a moments pause.
She moved for the library, passing students and ministry officials alike grouped together using their magic to rebuild and fix Hogwarts reminiscent of muggle construction workers and worker bees in her eyes. She gazed around at it all with concealed detachment, eyes ghosting over them unseeingly as her feet moved.
A flash of red hair moving out of sight caught her attention and immediately spurred a lump in her throat.
Don't, don't do it, just keep moving and ignore it...
But like a moth to the flame, her feet moved slowly with trepidation to the hidden alcove she'd just seen a long mane of red hair and a tall head of black messy tresses disappear behind.
Heart beating a mile a minute in her chest, Hermione quickly pulled out her wand and cast a surreptitious glance around before waving her wand and disillusioning herself and silencing her shoes.
The hot, shameful, icky feeling that came over her was not enough to stop her morbid curiosity and need to see as she moved in closer. She rubbed her sweaty palms against her skirt and licked her suddenly dry lips, reaching out with a shaky hand to peek slightly behind the tapestry.
Her heart took a plummet as her eyes might exactly what she knew she would see.
There, just ahead of her, Ginny had Harry up against the wall, a confident little smile on her pretty freckled face as she leaned her body impossibly close to Harry's, one hand gripping his hair the other pulling him closer by his robes...
She sucked in a breath, sharp pain in her chest as she looked at him completely consumed by Ginny as they snogged. He had his arms locked around her tight, as if he wanted to be even closer to her. He kissed the red head thoroughly, lips molding against Ginny's and tasting her.
As she watched, tears pooling in her eyes, clutching her papers and files tightly, Harry pushed against Ginny, moving them to the other side of the wall nearest to her. She felt so close to them, the light from the hall casting a thing line onto the couple.
She watched, her hand holding back the tapestry clenching as Harry clutched at Ginny's clothes making desperate little sounds in the back of his throat like he needed the girl utterly. Ginny basked in it, hiking her legs around his waist as he grabbed her wrists and held them above her head with one hand the other bunching up her clothes at the waist.
Hermione could feel her tears sliding down her skin in a detached sort of way. It always hurt when she saw them together, the initial feeling like her heart was punched out of her chest lasting for a few minutes before a numbness set in. She gazed fixedly as Harry's hips started moving against Ginny's, his mouth breaking free to travel to her throat and suck on her skin to mark her as Ginny whimpered but gave as good as she got, moving her hips as well.
Hermione swallowed hard feeling cold, hallowed as she moved away and fell heavily against the wall, slamming her hands over her ears to drown them out.
Don't think. Don't feel. Just breathe. In and out, in and out. She thought as she slide down the wall, un-seeing eyes trained on her knobby knee high socks. She looked so delicate, head bent, limp limbs, like a fragile flower.
Something was very wrong inside her, something that made her feel so destroyed inside. She raised her hand and pressed it to the ache in her chest. She didn't want to feel this way but it just wouldn't go away. It pressed against her heart, made her throat burn and tears form. Calm down. Your going to be okay. Your alright. She told herself. She focused on nothing, just breathed and listened to the silence so slowly the imaged that had burned behind her eyes of the two faded. Something deep inside her hurt but it was being quelled as an empty feeling washed over her.
Her mind drifted in and out between numbness and coherency as it tended to do sometimes. She pulled into herself, falling into a blank state.
Time. She lost complete track of it as she sat there un-moving, un-blinking, like a statue. Like always, her body naturally came to sometime later when day stood on the cusp of night. When she blinked and came to she fully felt a wave of panic, desperation and a quiet fear that left her shaking and gasping.
She had done it again. Completely checked out from reality.
"Oh, Merlin, no." She whispered horrified.
Her mind frantically tried to come up for a reason for this...why this continued to keep happening to her. She tried to stand in her panicky state and she cried out a little at the pins-and needles feeling running up and down her legs. She relied heavily on the wall as she forced herself to stand, unwilling to spend another second in this hall.
With a pace much like a sloth, Hermione dragged herself away moving until her body finally felt like a body instead of her pillow cushion and when that happened she just ran. How long had she checked out this time? An hour? Two?
The sky outside finally submerged into darkness and she could hear people entering the halls to head to the Great Hall for dinner. She felt shaken to the core. She had been out for three hours. She dodged into the nearest door not wanting anyone to see her in her edgy frightful state.
Slamming it tight, she wasted no time warding the door, unconsciously using all the spells she used when they were hiding in the tent quite unnecessarily. Her eyes took in the empty classroom, looking around for what she didn't know. She just couldn't think about it. She needed a distraction.
Over by the front of the classroom, tall windows let in the silver light of the moon, clouds streaming past and casting shadows on the floor. Hermione crossed over to the welcoming sight and with a flick of her wand, opened the window, feeling a gush of air shoot in with the wind. She moved closer and pulled the window wider, leaning her upper body out as she let the cold air touch her flushed skin.
From up here, she could see the still destroyed Greenhouse and the dark outline of the forbidden forest, the sounds of the night and all its mysteries reaching her ears to sing her a lullaby. She closed her eyes and tried to feel the calamity and let it sooth her. She really tried to at least stop her shaking, holding her breath to stop her tremors before letting it out with a whoosh to join with the breeze.
"Its. not. working." she hissed out through gritted teeth, feeling a lump develop painfully at the back of her throat. "Why is nothing working?" She cried out into the night with frustration.
And then a sound unleashed from her, a long keening sound like a wounded animal that she felt powerless to control. It escaped into the night to drown out the crickets song and the cicadas singing. She tried to clamp her lips shut but it just pulled from the back of her throat.
And once unleashed it could not be controlled.
The next morning found Hermione much like yesterday, smiling and heeding to people's beck and call. If her smile was too tight or hers slightly pinched, then it was a trick of light since Hermione Granger always remained poised and ready for any task ahead.
She had just managed to get into sight of the library doors when a familiar red head drew her attention. Ronald Weasley walked a ways ahead of her, quite noticeable with his tall flaming head above all the others. She froze for a heart beat before she moved determinedly to him, her commanding gait and fierce eyes making all in her way scramble past.
"Ronald Weasley!" She called, successfully freezing said boy on the spot. She noted his relaxed hand curling into fists at the sound of her voice before he slowly turned to her, a smile on his face that did not reach his eyes.
"Mornin' Hermione. I was just on my to...to see George." Ron lied, his eyes averting as she narrowed hers on him.
"Ron, George left the reconstruction program three days ago. He went with Lee, remember? They pranked the Great Hall doors before they left to say insults to whom ever goes in and out." she reminded dully, unamused with his pathetic lies.
Ron glanced away guiltily as she crossed her arms and glared at him.
"Oh, right." he said lamely making her narrow her eyes further. She let him squirm for a bit before she sighed and dropped her arms.
"Is there something wrong with me?" She asked startling him so that his head shot up to stare at her with shock.
"Wha-"
"Did I do something? Is it me? Am I the reason why this relationship has turned into...into a tiresome job for you?" She looked away and bit her lip so that she wouldn't say something she'd regret, like 'did you find out that I'm going mental?' Her heart started pounding in her chest as she waited for his response which came a half a second later.
"No! No, Hermione, there's nothing wrong with you! Are you mad?" he asked with a forced laugh as she flinched at the word mad. He shook his head and reached out for her hand. "I've just been a little distracted because being here feels...odd... and I don't want to bother you when your so busy with this fixing up stuff so..."
Hermione breathed heavily in relief and gripped his hand a little tighter. What would she have done if he had said yes? Ron was the only thing she had to keep her from teetering over the edge to something she was too scared to even think about. If she were to lose him...if she were to be left even more alone with that all consuming bleakness that stayed constantly over her heart... to watch Harry and Ginny live their happy lives wrapped around each other...
She just couldn't think about it.
"Good," she said, his words alleviating slightly the heaviness in her chest. "Good! So then you wouldn't mind going with me to Hogsmead this weekend right? I need to get some things to help with my potions that I'm making for Slughorn and could really use an extra set of hands." She said hopefully, scooting in to wrap her arm around Ron's, missing the way his jaw tightened and a cold shutters that pulled down over his eyes.
"Of course, because there's nothing else I could possibly want to do with my girlfriend over the weekend then to be her bag carrier." He bit out, his words spoken so bitterly she frown and immediately retracted her arm as she stared up at him.
"Bag carrying is just an excuse. Of course we'll do more when we're in Hogsmead, we can go to the Quidditch shop or the Hogshead-"
"Why can't we go to the three broom sticks, you know I like that place ten times more." He jumped in, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at her as her own cold look passed her face as her jaw tightened. She felt a huge urge to just hex him when he deliberately pressed her buttons like this but if he thought he could get rid of her in this way he had another thing coming.
"Are you determined to pick a fight with me today, Ronald? You know why I wouldn't want us to go to the three broom sticks since you'll just sit there barely saying a word to me as you stare at Rosmarta's arse!"
"Oh come of it Hermione! I don't stare at her-" Hermione interrupted with a derisive laugh.
"Yes, you do to and its pathetic! You look like a perverted beast with your tongue wagging whenever she sets down a cup of butterbeer in front of you and your eyes are always fixed on her chest!"
She didn't miss his cold look this time as his blue eyes stared down at her as he took a step away.
"I don't want to deal with you today, I'm going." he said before spinning on his heal. Her eyes widened at the proclamation and a hot quick jolt of panic shot through her that almost made her cry out to plead with him to stay before she told herself he was only walking away for now. He was not leaving her.
It was only then that she noticed all the eyes staring at her and felt a heavy stone sink in her stomach. She forced her hands to relax, her hair falling to hide her face as she gazed at the floor to take a deep breath before plastering a stern expression on her face.
"I know you all have better things to do than watch a lover's spat..." she said meeting a few of the stares with her own reprimanding ones before she moved quickly away to catch up with Ron.
"Ron wait!" she called when she was a good distance away, speed walking to try to catch up with his long strides. She saw his shoulders tense before he speed up, not even sparing her a glance back. She moved a little faster, tempted to just run up to him but unwilling to cause another seen as he practically sprinted to get away from her.
Seeing him so desperately wanting to get away from her should have made her feel anything but what she did, needy. Ever since the start of the Building And Revitalizing Futures Program, Ron had been steadily pulling away from everyone and with her, even worse; it felt more like he hated her sometimes. However, instead of feeling sadness or frustration as, probably, any normal girl would, she felt determined and needier to keep him.
Every time Ron distanced himself from her, making excuse to run away from her presence she would go chasing after him, not giving him an opportunity to do so. If Ron left her then nothing would remain of normalcy before the war, she would just be on the outskirts with nothing to hold on to. So she held on to the cracks of their foundations with everything she had. She refused to let him slip through her fingers.
Besides, whatever had Ron in a tizzy seemed hardly a good enough reason for their relationship away. She knew he knew that too or he himself would have broken up with her. So with that thought she just stopped, staring after his back as he disappeared into the crowd.
"Oh hey, Hermione! I was just looking for you..." a voice called.
Taking in a breath, she formed her lips into a smile and turned away.
Hogsmead arrived and Hermione made sure to corner Ron before he could sneak away from her clutches.
When he came down the boys dormitory far later then all the rest of his room mates (Harry had left around nine thirty to get an early start to see Ginny) she was there waiting.
He gulped when she reached out and snagged him against her, a strange flighty expression on his face as she smiled up at him.
"Good morning Ron!" She chirped, reaching up and pulling his head down to press a kiss to his still unyielding lips. He became impossibly still at her affection, tenser than a spring under her hands. She let him go and he moved back as if he'd been electrified and not in a good way. She ignored this and continued as if nothing had happened. "You've missed breakfast but Dobby was all too happy to get us something to munch on but we've got to hurry since everyone already left."
She pulled him by the hand over to the couches where she placed the food Dobby gave her. Tugging him down next to her, she let go of his hand to make him a plate, spying from the corner of her eye the way his hands clenched on his thighs.
"I've already eaten so we can leave once you've finished. I've got some time today so we can hang out until dinner. Here." She said, holding out his fixed plate and meeting his gaze as he looked from her to the plate then back to her, un-moving. She raised her eyebrows and wiggled the plate a little and slowly he reached out and took it, his face devoid of anything as he picked up his fork and began to eat.
Gosh, this felt so miserable.
She gazed away, her bushy hair hiding her profile as she closed her eyes and bit her lip. What was happening here? What was she doing? Why was there nothing here between them anymore? Why did it seem there was no more joy in the world?
She steeled herself, feeling that void threatening to pull her under. She opened her eyes and forced herself to focus telling her mind to shut up. She needed this day, she needed to pretend with Ron that everything was alright.
She turned her head back to him with a smile she hoped looked sincere. He was staring down at his half eaten plate so she plucked it from his hand and set it on the table before them.
"All finished?" she asked even when she was beginning to stand and grabbing his hand. "Good let's go." She felt anxious and unnatural as she dragged him with her. She talked endlessly without any thought to what she was saying not that it mattered since judging by the awful blank look on Ron's face he wasn't listening anyway. She just needed something to fill the looming pressure surrounding them.
For the rest of the day, Ron stood by her like a quiet, subdued shadow. She asked many times during the day what was wrong with him with a forced smile and shifting eyes that couldn't seem to stay on his for too long but he just continued to say "I'm fine." until she finally stopped asking. It was glaringly obvious that there was something astronomically wrong here.
When it came time to eat she brought them to the three broom sticks, uncaring if he just sat there and stared at Rosmarta the whole time. At this point she would do anything to get the boy to stop acting like a horrible combination of robot and zombie.
They were sat by the owner herself and Hermione carefully watched Ron for any sort of reaction as the curvaceous woman strutted in front of them but Ron just stared ahead with a cool look on his face. She blinked in surprise and sputtered like a fool when Rosmarta asked what they'd like to order.
When she was gone Hermione turned her head to Ron and was about to ask him again what was wrong when two voices calling their names froze her. Ron glanced past her shoulder at the two and smiled tightly, looking as excited as a devil snare in sunlight as Harry and Ginny approached. Hermione for her part felt like she was about to come apart at the seems, that horrible, panicky sensation making her skin break out into sweat even when it felt brisk inside the pub.
Her hands around her cup of butterbeer spasm-ed in her nervousness as she raised the glass to her mouth to have an excuse from greeting them. She was pretty sure if she tried to speak she'd only be able to make a horrible hoarse sound.
"Merlin! I feel like I haven't seen you two in years!" Harry said pulling up chairs from an empty table next to them for Ginny and himself and plopping right down.
"I suspect it's because they're probably off snogging each other as much as we are, Harry."
"Ginny!" Ron bellowed, looking more like himself that he had all day as his face turned a bright red. Harry frowned as if the thought of them snogging was the second most repulsive thing he had envisioned after a snogging Voldemort and Bellatrix. Ginny broke out in pleased laughter as Hermione grimaced and turned away, not wanting to look as Harry gazed lovingly at the red heads face.
"That's gross, Gin." Harry said, Hermione could hear the fond smile in his voice and momentarily shut her eyes as her heart throbbed.
Just get through the initial pain...You'll be fine, you know you will...Now get a grip.
Releasing a breath and expelling all the tension from her body at the same time, Hermione turned to the two with a her usual smile on her face.
"Oh shut it Harry. You know the two are rarely ever in Gryffindor tower-"
Hermione tuned out, not wanting to hear her words that were so far from the truth it was laughable. She was just always doing something to keep herself occupied and Ron...well she didn't know what Ron got up to and why he wasn't at the tower more but at the moment she didn't care. Harry and Ginny continued back and forth with Ron as she feigned interest, choking out laughs at the appropriate times.
She tried not to take any details in their faces but noticed right away how they kept smiling so genuinely at each other as they sat side by side. The distance between her and Ron was like an ocean between them as they sat facing each other across the table.
Something so ugly and terrible whispered into her mind when her eyes fastened onto the couples touching legs. She wanted to look away put felt riveted to the place where Ginny's bare thigh was touching against Harry's.
"-'mione?"
Giving herself a hard bruising pinch to her own thigh, Hermione forced her mind and eyes under control, raising to meet Harry's to see if he caught her. Her heart jerked when she found him gazing at her with bemusement behind his glasses.
A coldness swept through her, stealing her breath for a moment as she felt petrified that he knew, that he saw it written on her face. White noise filled her head and she could feel herself slipping, feel herself pulling away.
She gasped, and stood on shaking limbs, her skin cold and clammy as her fear threatened to swallow her whole.
"Ron, I think you should help her to the hospital." She heard Harry say as she felt a hand steady her. Her eyes flicked down at the hand to find Ginny's small freckled holding her forearm to steady her.
She tried to get her mouth to unscrew to tell them she was fine but everything felt frozen.
"Yeah, alright." She heard Ron reply, before feeling him come up next to her and grab her other arm.
Finally, her body seemed to recuperate and she lurched back away from the two Weasley's. Breathing heavily, she raised her eyes at the three to find them all staring back at her and forced a shaky smile.
"I'm sorry guys," she apologized, pressing a hand to her stomach as she frowned. "My stomach has been making me feel sick all day but I can get back to the hospital wing by myself if one of you perform a pepper-"
"Hermione, we're going with you to the hospital wing." Harry cut off, stepping around Ginny to pat her lightly on the back.
Hermione pressed her lips shut and gave a curt nod, averting her eyes and inching closer to Ron as she did so, putting more distance between them. She moved over to Ron's other side and ducked under his arm, wrapping her own too tightly around his waist.
Ron squeezed her shoulder, or more like pinched, and she glanced up to see something she dreaded and feared. Gazing down at her, his blue eyes looked hard and strangely perceptive, warning her that he had seen something she let come unscrewed and she gulped hard, her throat dry as she quickly averted her eyes.
Nobody spoke as they walked back to the castle and Hermione felt sure that she would keel over from the pressure weighing down on her, alleviated by the heaviness of Ron's arm around her. When they finally arrived to the hospital wing, Hermione felt sure she probably did look like a sick patient, her gray parlor, dark eyes even with the glamour and bushy tresses but they all drew up short when they saw just how many other students were there.
Almost every bed was occupied and Hermione was surprised to see another nurse there assisting as they both bustled around.
She knew had known being the one helping Slughorn brew the medicinal potions that there were in demand but she had not figured this much.
"Oh! It's Harry Potter!" Some bandaged kid cried from his bed, immediately drawing attention to the floor. Hermione reflexively straightened herself in the presence of others, needing to remain a stoic, poised sort of leader.
"Merlin, Harry Potter!" the announcement brought on curious, awed staring that instantly added tension to the group, most notably, Harry.
"Nope, afraid its just Harry. " he joked as Hermione sneaked a peek at him and his slightly embarrassed face.
"Potter! What are you doing in here? Got yourself into a bit of trouble again, then?" Madam Pomfrey as asked as Harry shook his head slightly and rubbed the back of his neck, deciding to save him Hermione stepped up with her smile ready.
"I'm afraid that it's me, Madam Pomfrey," she said as the woman turned to her as if noticing there were other's around Harry for the first time.
"Miss. Granger? Well, what can I do for you?" She asked as Hermione turned to her friends and gave a dismissive wave.
"Thanks you guys. I'll see you later." she said hoping that they wouldn't put up a fight and just leave.
"Wait! Harry Potter, can you tell us at least how you managed to survive the Avada Kedevra a second time?" a young boy, probably a first or second year, cried excitedly. Hermione winced, along with the other three at the kids poor lack of tact.
"Yeah, are you like some invincible demi-god now?" someone else asked as Harry sighed but continued to smile with his own tight eyed smile.
"Sorry mates but we've got to go now. Feel better." he said addressing the last part mostly to Hermione as Ginny took Harry's hand and the three walked out of the door, Ron not saying a word but throwing her a icy look before he left.
Hermione breathed out, her nerves beyond shot as she made the closest empty bed with Pomfrey write behind her, standing in front of her as Hermione plopped down heavily on the bed.
"Ms. Granger can you please inform me of your symptoms because my charms are saying that you are fine, except for this horribly lax of proper nutrition. Are you aware Miss. Granger that you are anemic?"
Hermione shook her head, raising a shaky hand to rub her forehead as she felt positively dreadful.
"Well, hold on while I get some potions that will set you right as rain."
Hermione glanced outside her drawn up curtain at the numerous amount of filled beds and sucked in a sharp breath when she saw a head of platinum blonde hair on the bed furthest from her own.
Draco Malfoy lay un-moving in his bed and appeared almost dead with how still he was except for the ever so slight rise and fall of his chest. His skin seemed ghostly white like the sheets cocooned around him. She stared at him for a long while, wondering about how he ended up in here, why all these people were in here. She decided to ask when Madam Pomfrey came back which came moments later.
"Madam Pomfrey, the hospital wing is even more crowded then the Great Hall," she joked, knowing she couldn't just outright ask the woman about her patients ailments. "Was there some accident during construction...?"
"Oh no," Pomfrey she said with a firm grip in her head as she settled some potions down and glanced around herself. "nothing of the sort. Some patients are here for precautionary measures...but you know I can't talk about it. Now, shall I give you some delicious remedies, Miss. Granger?" By the wicked smile that came upon the nurse she knew they were far from delicious and sighed.
She stayed in the hospital wing until Pomfrey cleared her sometime around dinner. She did not go to the hall but headed to her library, not wanting to see anyone after her fit. She wondered at the swiftness it suddenly appeared and worried her bottom lip. How much longer would she continue to ignore this...alarming dilemma? She felt like it just continued to get worse and worse.
She felt confident that she could hide it from the others. Everyone was too rapped up in their own lives to notice her mental breakdowns. Which was how she preferred it of course. She didn't want anyone to see her crumpling, she didn't need anybody's pity. She was a hero. There wasn't anything she could think of that she'd do differently.
A flash of the tent and Harry's sleeping face crossed over her mind but she refused to let it stay for even a second. Immediately she brought up her to do list to the forefront of her mind, contemplating her next course of action to occupy her time.
She had a meeting with the group leaders overseeing the reconstructing progress to find out how much progress they were making tomorrow morning. Then McGonagall had requested that she draw up new schedules for the new group of volunteers that just joined and she still had yet to perfect the medicinal remedies. Also, the mysterious patients packing in the library concerned her and she would have to get to the bottom of that somehow.
Pulling up a chair in the farthest corner of the library, Hermione set to work in the silence, her mind emptying and focusing on the task she had the power to fix. She made her schedules, scratching and rewriting for hours on end. Her hand usually cramped around every four hours of steady writing, so on her third time using her wand to numb it, she knew it was beyond late.
Just as well, she didn't want to sleep. She would rather stay up and do something productive then wallow in nightmares that she couldn't even remember, just constantly waking up screaming.
But, she reflected, her dreary eyes staring out into the darkly light space between the large bookshelves, I haven't slept at all really for two days now. Maybe just a quick little kip...
Nodding to herself, Hermione stood and gathered her things, trudging back to the dorms, the echos of her shoes the only sounds in the halls except for the occasional snore from the portraits.
She hadn't expected to encounter anyone so when Neville came barreling out of the portrait whole ahead of her, she was so startled her things went flying.
"Neville!" she gasped, her heart beating a mile a minute. "What are you doing-"
"Harry!" He blurted, his state even more flustered then hers.
The strength of the reaction he stirred with his name left her in a state teetering on the brink as unadulterated fear spiked at his words.
"He's screaming Hermione, just like back then-"
She was already through the portrait whole before she could even think about it, running across the common room to the boys staircase in record time, surprising Neville who followed after her. She burst into the room, her wide eyes quickly taking in every detail of the scene in her adrenaline state.
Harry indeed was screaming horrible pained shouts from his bed, his head thrashing around and looking awfully like he was being put under the cruciatus curse.
"Harry, Harry wake up!" Dean was shouting, both him and Seamus on either side of Harry's bed, trying to shake him awake, looking frightful and tousled as they wrestled to keep Harry's limbs down.
"Ron, what the hell are you doing! Wake up and help us!" Seamus cried, sounding close to tears as he glared at the red head snoring on his bed, not even stirring in all this commotion.
"Oh Harry," Hermione cried, making both of the awake boys head spin in her direction. Her heart felt like it was in the back of her throat watching him suffering.
"Hermione!" Dean gasped, looking a little less panicked as she ran over to them. "I don't know why he won't wake up!"
"Move over." she ordered softly.
"But, he's really thrashing."
Pulling out her wand Hermione used a spell she'd learned recently from Madam Pomfrey that made all the limbs of a person go limp. Dean and Seamus both immediately let go, eyeing her appreciatively. Placing her wand on Harry's nightstand her eyes tenderly fell onto Harry as she scooted onto the bed and placed a hand on his cheek.
"Harry, it's okay. You're alright. Wake up, Harry." she crooned over his hoarse cries, rubbing soothing circles on his face with her thumb. "You don't have to be trapped in there. Open your eyes Harry and look at me."
Leaning down, Hermione used an impressive amount of strength to heave Harry up into an embrace, holding all his weight with her upper body as she held his head so their foreheads were touching with one hand, the other wrapped around his back and running a comforting hand up and down. This close to him, she could see his eyes moving behind his lids, perspiration glistening his skin and feel the random spasming of his limbs as if they were her own.
"Harry, open you eyes." she commanded strongly, pressing her head harder against Harry's damp one. "Come on Harry, do it. See me. I'm right here. You're safe...you're with me."
A relieved sigh went around the room as Harry finally stopped his hoarse yelling.
"That's right. I'm here Harry." She said squeezing Harry closer and closing her own eyes as he harsh breath ghosted over her lips. "I've got you."
She heard the others shift away as she continued to sooth Harry. She used her hand to place his head on her shoulder when his breathing quieted and used both arms to hug him tight even long after that until the others finally fell back to sleep.
Something in her chest felt...so warm. She smiled slightly feeling familiarization at the situation, taking in a deep breath of Harry's scent as dawn made its steady approach. She was not happy that Harry was in such a state but...it was also a relief. Harry wasn't as happy as he let everyone think he was. He had nightmares too, just like her. It wasn't all just over with him like everyone liked to pretend it was...
Maybe this meant that Harry still needed her too just as much as he needed and relied on her back in that tent. Her role had not ended in his life with the ending of the war.
Her arms grew heavy holding Harry's weight and her legs felt numb. She gently lowered him back down onto his mattress and gazed down at him. He still looked a fright with his hair plastered to his skin but his deep breathing and relaxed expression proved that he no longer trapped in a nightmare. She reached out for her wand and performed a scourging charm on him, knowing that the time to leave would be now but...
Gently she reached out her hand and brushed his hair off his forehead, bringing to view his lightening bolt scar unintentionally. Her fingers trailed over the mark that had noticeably faded since the final battle and she felt a stir of something she could not name in her heart. It wiggled in her chest and she frowned, her eyes fixed on him as she continued to caress his skin. She really should be going...
She only recognized the feeling when she found herself pressing her lips to his scar with closed eyes, urged by the beating of her heart and her desire to, to...
He's not yours! He belongs to Ginny and you belong to Ron!
Her lips lingered over his skin but the shame had yet to hit her as she moved back slightly to gaze at his lips. The whisper-like meeting of there lips shouldn't have warranted such a jolt like response in her but it did.
Hadn't she given everything she had for this man? Hadn't she been there throughout every step of his trials? Would it really all end now that there was no dark lord to fight to tie them together? Did she really have to continue to pretend that nothing had changed and meet the expectations that were made before they had went into hiding?
Harry had been her focus for almost her entire Hogwarts experience and those weeks when it had been just them in the tent at the lowest point of their lives changed everything that had been formed in their sixth year.
The catalyst that had changed everything for her was when Harry had been bitten by the snake. No one had ever need her so much and she had never taken care of somebody so utterly. It was as if he was her. What she did for herself she also had to do for him. Since Scourigy would not have been enough to keep the wound clean she had to routinely wash him as one would child and it had been that way for days.
How could anyone expect her to forget it? How could anyone even begin to understand the depths and lengths she had gone for him? Could anyone even comprehend what she had felt and had to sacrifice when Ron had looked her in her eyes and told him to leave with him, when he gave her an out and she choice to stay. She hadn't even spared a thought for going but she had given up what she had perceived as love to stay and possibly die for Harry.
For her it had been a scary revelation of he lengths she would go for him.
Could Ginny say the same thing? Could anyone? No. Could anyone else even say they had done as much for anyone in their lives as she has for Harry's?
No.
"I'm sorry, Harry," she whispered without strength.
Her hand lightly cupped the side of his face as she slowly, so slowly, bent her head lower and touched her lips to his.
She did not press, did not intrude but she also could not pull away.
A lost, sad feeling bloomed in her chest making her eyes sting.
A quiet, stolen kiss.
It embedded itself inside of her. If it was the first and the last, she knew then that she would never be able to forget the feel of his kiss.
Nor the heart wrenching affirmation that she had indeed fallen in love with Harry Potter.