First of all, to anyone waiting for an update to Fall in Line I am sorry for the long wait, I'm trying to get through the next chapter, but it's taking longer than I thought. Here's a little story in the meanwhile. I might have borrowed a bit from (I believe) "The Epistemology of the Closet" for Rachel's rant, although it might not be completely accurate because it is hard for me to pay attention to Queer Theory when the readings are so lifeless. And yes I referenced South Park. Bet it's the first time those two things have been referenced in the same story. Anyway, enjoy. Oh and there are some terms you may or may not have to look up in the last part, such as gold star (urban dictionary it), heteroflexible, pansexual, etc.
Jacob straightened his shirt and made sure his fro was not dented while waiting for his cameraman to give him the signal. When it was given he turned a false smile to the camera.
"Hello William McKinley High, I am Jacob Ben Israel and this is 'The Glee Club's BIG GAY Interview'," He said, holding up a poster board saying the words in big, colourful letters. The rainbow flag on the board was a nice touch.
He cleared his throat.
"As you all know, lately many of the Glee club members have had their sexuality questioned when certain rumours came to light. Two pairs of girls in the club are said to be dating, one of those pairs including the exquisite Rachel Berry," Jacob took a moment to look off into the distance and sigh, forlornly.
He shook himself out of the funk and returned to being "professional".
"...and nearly every male member of the club has been at one time rumoured to be gay, if only for the fact that they are in Glee club. So as your trustworthy correspondent, I'm here to set the record straight..." He paused dramatically before adding "...or not"
Now Jacob and his crew were in a classroom with his first interviewees.
"We are here with Mike Chang and his 'girlfriend'" Jacob put in air quotes and ignored the look the pair was giving him "Tina Cohen-Chang for an exclusive."
He turned to Mike first.
"How about you? You seem to have it all, you're a great dancer, a football player, you're asian... or should I say gaysian?"
Mike made a face at that, but replied seriously.
"Not at all. I'm an ally because there are a few people in the club that are LGBT, but I'm not interested in men personally. I only need Tina," He said, giving a goofy grin to his girlfriend.
Tina couldn't resist this. She smiled widely and gave him a warm kiss on the cheek.
"So Tina, I heard that your audition piece for New Directions was 'I kissed a girl' by Katy Perry. Did you kiss a girl... and like it?"
Tina blinked a few times and then looked nervously to Mike.
"You know, maybe we should do separate interviews after all..."
"What? Tina, after the Coach Beiste thing you told me... Get that camera out of my face!" Mike swatted at the camera violently before directing Jacob and his crew out of the room.
Obviously that interview wasn't going to happen. They chose to set up the next interview in the choir room.
"Well, you two have certainly garnered a lot of rumours for yourself on my blog. Sam, you have not been here at McKinley for that long but people have been speculating about your sexuality since day one. Is it true that you told Quinn Fabray to 'get behind you'?" He asked the blond with a raised eyebrow.
Sam sputtered at that.
"Wha- but t-that was because I was playing guitar and uh... she was my girlfriend for a while there!"
"And does it comfort you that your ex-girlfriend is rumoured to be shacking up with one Rachel Berry?"
"That has nothing to do with anything! She liked being with me at the time... I think," Sam said, sounding uncertain.
"How about you, Finn? Since moving in with openly gay Kurt Hummel have you felt you might be gay too?" Jacob asked before pointing the microphone in his direction.
Finn straightened out in the chair, trying to make himself look bigger.
"I'm not gay. I mean, it's not gay for two guys to jerk off in a hot tub together, is it?" He asked tentatively, his bravado quickly fading.
Jacob gave a telling look to the camera as he shook his head.
" S-since you're not touching each other?" Finn looked over to Sam for reassurance, betraying his hot tub buddy, who now looked a little panicked.
They shifted to the next interview, with Artie and Mercedes.
"You might be surprised to hear that out of everyone in the club, you two seem to have the least rumours surrounding you. Is this valid or do you consider yourself queer in some way?"
The pair blinked, both seeming more surprised that Jacob seemed to actually be acting professional rather than the fact that no one has been saying they're gay.
"Well I'm straight, and I've dated two girls in the club, so I'm not really surprised," Artie says, smiling weakly.
"Mercedes?" Jacob asks, turning to her.
"Trust me. I'm as straight as they come. Although I have had some offers," Mercedes assured.
Artie and Jacob, looking surprised, waited for her to elaborate.
"All from Brittany, actually. Last year during the Madonna craze the girls did a number to 'Express Yourself' and at one point in the number Brittany had to do push ups on the ground while I rest my foot on her back. Well she told me that it was 'super hot' and that we should do 'other things' together. And don't even get me started on what our 'Sweet Transvestite' number in the Rocky Horror Show did to that girl," She ranted, but she seemed rather pleased with the attention that Brittany paid her.
Artie was now looking cross at the mention of his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes it felt that Brittany wanted everyone but him.
"Speaking of Brittany, let's go to our next intimate interview!" Jacob said into the camera, looking pleased with how well the interviews were going thus far.
They moved to another spare classroom, where a cheery Brittany and a sullen Santana were sitting.
"How about you two? Gay, straight, something in between? What do you identify as?"
Brittany thought for a second.
"Omnivorous."
JBI's eyebrows went up to his hairline and he looked back at the camera. It was an apt explanation. Brittany bounced slightly in her seat as she smiled proudly. Santana rolled her eyes slightly but a smile spread on her face. A smile that immediately went away when Jacob angled the microphone her way.
"And you?"
Looking disgusted and irritated that she had to do this interview, she folded her arms before answering.
"Heteroflexible."
Everyone in the room save Brittany shot her an incredulous look. Santana just glared at all of them, daring them to say anything else.
"Oh yeah, San's super heteroflexible. Like this one time in the shower –mrgh!" Santana had clapped a hand over her girlfriend's mouth.
"Overshare, Britt." She said evenly.
The blonde nodded demurely and the Latina took away her hand.
"So you two are dating, then?"
"Yes. So the losers in this school need to stop perving over Britt and trying to trick her into bending over to pick up stuff. Because Coach Sylvester taught me a technique she learned in the KGB that guarantees that you won't be able to have kids. It's called 'I kick you in the nads as hard as I can while wearing steel-toed boots'," She warned, looking deadly serious.
Jacob and his crew froze in place, looking terrified. Brittany grinned and took hold of Santana's hand lovingly.
"You're so cool, San."
Santana broke her icy glare to smirk in a self-satisfied way.
"I know."
They moved on to the next interview.
"Puck, you're a notorious sex shark, but is it only the ladies that you go for, or do you look for a man's touch once in a while?"
Jacob shook a little after asking the question, knowing that later he would pay for it. But it was worth it. Puck looked a little pissed, but decided to be honest.
"Look, I am a stud, the ladies can't get enough of me, but everyone has their dry spells once in awhile. So I'm not saying I have sex with guys, I want to make that clear. But when you close your eyes, you can't really tell the difference."
He shrugged, like it was no big deal.
They moved on to the final interview. This time a nervous looking Rachel and Quinn sat in chairs in front of Jacob. Actually, only Rachel looked nervous, Quinn just sent a forbidding look Jacob's way, seemingly warning him against hitting on Rachel.
"Hello there, Rachel Berry. I hear you're a gold star?"
Rachel looked a bit confused.
"Well I put gold stars after my name to signify that I am a star. Metaphors are important," She said seriously.
"But essentially you are a gold star... am I right?"
Quinn nodded her head "Absolutely, I'm her first and only."
"I feel as though I am missing something here," Rachel said, looking from her girlfriend to Jewfro suspiciously.
"Let's move on. Are you two willing to go on the record officially, confirming that you are indeed dating?"
"Yes," the two girls said simultaneously.
"This explains why you were able to resist all my romantic gestures, "Jacob said, nodding sagely.
Rachel looked disgusted and affronted.
"Just because I am with Quinn does not mean that I am not interested in men. There's a very good reason why I never said yes to you, Jacob."
"And that is because you are creepy and always write lies about the Glee club on your blog. That's why we're doing this today, to make up for what you've already printed," Quinn added.
"Are you saying you're bisexual then, Rachel? Or are you straight with an exception?" Jacob pressed on.
The girl in question huffed and took in a deep breath, gearing up for a long rant. Quinn put her arm around her girlfriend's shoulders, hoping that it would calm her a bit.
"I would like to just say that asking us to come out and label ourselves only reinforces the idea of the queer individual as 'Other'. The coming out process is an act that one must go through in order to be accepted by those around you without having the notion that you are lying about who you are. The queer individual cannot simply 'be' like the straight individual can. Thus the concept of the closet is an oppressive mechanism that forces the GLBT community to perform the song and dance of coming out repeatedly throughout their lives, which only emphasizes the differences between queer and straight individuals instead of accepting both as being normal."
Jacob blinked once, twice. Quinn rolled her eyes. She had heard this and other speeches like it more times than she could count.
"Rach, stop reading queer theory essays. Seriously, you are not a gender and sexuality studies major so there's no reason to be reading that dry stuff."
Rachel bristled and moved forward in her seat to shrug off the arm that Quinn had draped over her shoulder.
"Quinn, it is incredibly relevant to better understand the issues that face our community. If we are to fight the injustice that faces us every day we must be well-informed by the likes of Eve Sedgwick, Pat Califia, and Judith Butler."
"Pat Califia is a dirty, dirty author"
"He is not!" Rachel denied.
"All I know is that the last thing I saw you read of his was about fisting," Quinn said, shrugging.
"W-what's 'fisting'?" Jacob asked, tentatively.
Rachel rolled her eyes.
"It's called the internet, Jacob. I trust you are well-versed in learning of sexual acts on it."
Jacob coughed slightly.
"Um so are either of you ready to label yourselves, d-despite the uh, oppressiveness of the closet or whatever?"
Quinn chose to go first in order to prevent another rant.
"I'm gay. No big deal."
Despite her rant against labels, Rachel looked incredibly proud of the blonde sitting next to her. Smiling, she grabbed the girl's hand and interlocked their fingers.
"Do you want to go next, Rachel?"
The diva's eyes snapped back to the camera.
"Well I suppose most people would consider me to be bisexual, but that term presupposes that there are only two genders, which absolutely ignores the existence of intersex, trans-identified, and genderqueer individuals. I would call myself pansexual."
She grew more serious and addressed the camera with passion.
"Kids, you need to fight back against the oppressive system that doesn't allow free expression of gender. Reject the gender binary, McKinley High, reject it!" She leapt out of her seat, fist raised.
Quinn calmly tugged at their connected hands, pulling the girl back into her seat.
"Babe, if you relax I'll help you make a tumblr blog when we get home," she said, mollifying her girlfriend.
"Can it be called 'Fuck yeah rejecting the gender binary'?" Rachel asked, hopefully.
"That's a little long, but sure," Quinn answered, with her famous eyebrow raise.
She turned back to Jacob.
"This interview is over," She stated simply, standing up with Rachel and bringing an arm around her waist.
They left and once again Jacob was alone in front of the camera.
"Well there you have it, William McKinley, an exclusive on the Glee club's sexuality. Next week I go undercover to find out how many pairs of track suits Coach Sylvester happens to own. Will it be 50? 100? Make your bets now and all will be revealed on my blog. And now I am off to find the best sports cup that this town has to offer." He winced, remembering the threat of Sue's KGB technique.
The camera cut and Jacob turned only to find Lauren Zises at the door, looking murderous.
Oh shit. He knew he forgot someone. But why did the person he forgot have to be on the wrestling team? He wondered as Lauren drew closer, cracking her knuckles.