Truly Unholy Things

"But - but what is that exactly?" asked the larger Edler who had just stepped into the small bedroom in his new home in Uganda, Africa. He had already heard so many new phrases and met a lot of new people. His curiosity was peaked and he knew this could be a heck of a learning experience if he put his mind to good use.

"What? I can't believe you're asking me that, Elder Cunningham! How inappropriate, really."

His partner, of course, was far less open-minded.

After a long day of preaching Mormonism to people who couldn't possibly care less, Kevin had just received his first moment to relax, and he was exhausted. He wasn't about to spend it giving an anatomy lesson.

"I just… I was just, you know, curious."

"Well please, Elder. You can keep your curiosity to yourself," answered Kevin who was removing his impeccable Mormon clothes and revealing sensible Mormon underwear.

"I mean," began the other clumsily, nervously throwing out words, "I know it's not… like it can't be like… well of course they don't hAVE LIKE A PENIS OR SOMETHING."

"OH MY GOSH, ARNOLD, SHUT UP!"

"I'M SORRY IM JUST CONFUSED!"

"WELL YELLING ISNT-" he calmed himself, "Yelling about it isn't going to help you understand. Honestly, what will Elder McKinley think if he hears us?!"

"That we forgot to switch off the light?"

"ARNOLD."

"NO," cried Arnold, "we forgot to turn off the African light!" He proceeded to get up and turn the handle on the rusted oil lamp. "Probably attracts some of those aid Mosquitos, ahaha."

Then, they were left in the dark with only the sound of crickets and Kevin's beating heart. Arnold's mind began to race as he threw off his clothes and climbed into bed.

"I mean… Haven't you ever… wondered?"

"Don't you have the internet at home?" spat Kevin from under the covers.

Arnold gasped loudly shooting up from the bed, "How shameful!"

"It was just some link that popped up I swear I didn't google it or something-" Kevin quickly explained before realizing there was no point. "Oh why am I even telling you this?"

His head collapsed back into the pillow.

"I prayed afterwards. It was a moment of weakness and my gosh! I cannot believe I just said that, forgive me heavenly father for even bringing it up."

"… I haven't been on a computer since, they are truly unholy things." He added after a long awkward minute.

"So… What is it? Exactly?"

"I don't know!"

"Didn't you just say-"

"I don't remember!"

It had been years, after all.

"Maybe she was circumcised too," pointed out Arnold.

"I don't know!"

Of course, the honorable Elder Price was distant in the topic of women. He had been home schooled and most girls in town ignored him. There were a few girls in the missionary school who would swoon in his presence, but his attention was always set on larger goals.

There was one girl though… She was simply exquisite with a real passion for spreading the word of God. But she moved away long ago, and he was always so awkward around her.

But oh, he figured he'd have his pick once he'd be the next all American prophet.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice, Elder," he finally said not wanting to go to sleep after a fight with his missionary partner. "I just don't know what to tell you except that I am don-"

"Did you ever do it?"

Now it was Kevin's turn to sit up in bed with a gasp. "NO! Of course not! I am saving myself. You think I'd be devoted enough to go to stinkin' Uganda but skimp out when it came to some girl?"

"Well I just, I hear some guys taking about it sometimes."

"Well some guys are going to Hell. Really, can I go to sleep please?"

"I'm sorry it's just, I don't know. Becoming a world traveler has made me realize how inexperienced I am."

"Oh. And I'm sure it wasn't that Nabulungi lady…"

"She's okay… But she's got nothing on that beautiful, latte colored, Neil Patrick Harris!"

Kevin closed his eyes at the stupidity of his new friend.

"Well…. she's not Mormon. Convert her and then we'll talk."

"You're not talking to no one!" Arnold wailed getting defensive of his forgetfully named future girlfriend.

"I'm just kidding. No… My girl is waiting for me back home."

"Actually," continued Kevin after thinking about it for a moment, "I bet you she lives in Orlando… Yeah. And she works in Disney World too. Like a more Mormon… Whiter… Princess Jasmine."

He smiled to himself before closing his eyes. Soon, he would convert the Africans and he'd have something to be proud of. No one would be able to ignore the next all America prophet, the next voice of God, the best darn Mormon the world has ever known. The most attractive Mormon with the best bowling abilit-

"So… Just so were clear… Is it on the outside or –"

Kevin groaned rolling over onto his side fearing who would make an entrance in his spooky Mormon Hell dream this eve.