A/N: Be warned. This story could get RFH. That is, really freaking hilarious. Also, this is Game777Guy approved. Please enjoy.
Pit didn't quite know what to think as he looked upon the scene before him. He had been eagerly running about the Smash Manor trying tidy things up for the last week after he received a bit of exciting news; Palutena was joining the crew at the big house. He wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and welcome, and had annoyed people to no end with how they needed to behave around her. So as soon as he had heard that she was arriving, he had rushed to the lobby, where she would be welcomed and greeted. However, upon his arrival, he had seen the most unusual sight; Ganondorf, of all people, was walking around her and just staring.
Usually, Ganon was the first to throw out an insult or threat to the newcomers; he had done so to Pit when Pit had arrived years earlier. But as he looked upon this scene, Pit doubted he had gotten a word out. He seemed so interested in Palutena. Palutena was just following him awkwardly as he circled around her. After a few moments, Pit decided to intervene.
"Uh… hi Lady Palutena!" Pit exclaimed as brightly as he could, "How are you doing?" Every face in the room turned to him; there were seven. Mario and Peach stood in one corner, Captain Falcon leaned against a wall, and Ness comforted a crying Lucas in another corner, for the younger boy had gotten his rejection letter and would not be joining the crew in the next Smash. Ganon looked at Pit in disgust.
"Oh, Pit!" Palutena exclaimed, walking over to him, "There you are. I'm fine. It looks great around here!" She leaned in close to him as Ganon watched cautiously.
"Who is this guy?" she whispered in concern. Pit hesitated as he looked around her. Ganon was slowly making his way around one side of them. Captain Falcon was chuckling in the corner. Mario watched in intrigue, Peach in concern.
"He's… an anatomist," said Pit. The Captain looked about ready to burst.
"Oh," said Palutena as Ganon closed in again, "That's… nice." She backed away from him but he followed her like a dog. Pit scratched the back of his head as he followed her around the lobby. He had no clue what was going on. Captain Falcon walked over to him, chuckling.
"I think Ganon has taken a liking to your goddess," he said, "They'd make a nice couple, wouldn't you say?"
"Uh… yeah," said Pit, unsure of what the Captain meant.
"We should totally set them up," said Captain Falcon, slapping Pit on the back with the power of a Falcon Punch, knocking him to the ground, "It'll be hilarious." Captain Falcon laughed out loud and then saw Pit sprawled out on the floor.
"Can't… feel… my wings…" Pit moaned. Captain Falcon pulled him off of the ground by the arm and dusted him off.
"Sorry kiddo," he said, "I get a little excited sometimes. Now come on! We've got some plotting to do!" As he walked off, Pit fell to the ground again. He popped back into the room and dragged Pit out by the leg. In all of this, Palutena was still trying to avoid Ganondorf the anatomist while Mario and Peach argued about romance in the corner and Ness encouraged Lucas to be strong, an action that would eventually lead to the boy's takeover of the Smasher World and later the multiverse. But that is a story for another time.
"We need a love doctor first!" Captain Falcon exclaimed as Pit followed, painfully rubbing the rug burns on his arms, leg, and face. They were headed into the basement, where it was said Dr. Mario had been allowed to stay for some reason during the events of Super Smash Bros Brawl. Many had stated he had gone crazy searching for the secret ingredients to a power potion that would enhance any fighter's physical abilities to extreme amounts. Sure enough, they found a door at the bottom of the stairs with the clichéd "Do not enter" sign with a skull and crossbones. And do you know what our good friends did? You guessed it—as per the cliché, they ignored the sign and entered.
They were immediately met with sirens and a flashing red light (also as per the cliché). They were immediately faced with five robots, descended from the ceiling. Captain Falcon prepared his fiery fists to fight. Pit, suffering rug burn, could barely lift his bow. Before anything could happen however, a figure appeared from the darkness.
"Who dares walk into my lair?" asked a crinkled old voice. Out of the shadows walked a man identical to Mario, but, contrary to the red clothed plumber Pit knew about, he wore a white lab coat, a doctor's headband, and had saggy eyes, eyes that clearly lacked sleep. Other than the saggy eyes, he looked relatively young.
The Captain retracted his fists and saluted.
"Dr. Mario, veteran from Melee," he said officially, "It is in an honor to meet you again."
"Oh… it's you," said Dr. Mario, his voice changing to a younger, spritely tone with a touch of annoyance, "Alright then… everyone back." The robots immediately retreated and the red lights stopped.
"Who's the chicken with you?" Dr. Mario asked, licking his lips.
"Don't even start that with me!" Pit yelled, "I am NOT a chicken."
"I don't know," said Dr. Mario, "I live on diet pills and you're looking pretty tasty." Pit nearly fainted.
"Now, now," said Dr. Mario, "I'm only kidding. But seriously. What the heck are you doing here?"
"Well good doctor," said Captain Falcon, "We need the assistance of… well… how do I put it?"
"A 'love doctor'?" Pit asked, making quotations with his fingers. Before Captain Falcon could make some witty remark, Dr. Mario cut in.
"Nope," he said, "No can do."
"What?" Captain Falcon cried, "Why not!?"
"What do I look like to you, a magician?" Dr. Mario asked in annoyance, "I can't just up and make people fall in love!"
"What if one of them…"
"Nope," said Dr. Mario, "Can't do it." He crossed his arms and waited. Captain Falcon and Pit looked at each other.
"But you're a doctor!" Captain Falcon exclaimed, "The best one in…"
"I'm the only doctor in this gaming world," said Dr. Mario, reading his mind again, "And I can't make people fall in love."
"You don't have any medicines that can…"
"Nope."
"No robots…"
"Nope."
"You've got to do something!" Captain Falcon cried, "This is big! Really big!" Dr. Mario rolled his eyes.
"How much 'nope' are you going to take before you get the heck out of my lab?" he asked, clearly annoyed. Pit cut in.
"Yeah… maybe we should…"
"You can't whip up…" Dr. Mario threw a pill in his mouth and he fell to the ground choking on it.
"Good lord…" he said, addressing Pit, "He still never shuts up?" Pit shook his head and shrugged. Captain Falcon spit the pill out and jumped up.
"I have a proposition to make!" he exclaimed. Dr. Mario gave a high-five to his face.
"I already told you I can't do it!" he yelled, "Will you please just shut up and get…"
"You whip something up for us and I'll get Master Hand to let you back into the Smash," Captain Falcon said lightly. Dr. Mario's sagging eyes suddenly brightened. He ran back to his lab table and began mixing some random liquids together. Five seconds later, he put a glass vial into Captain Falcon's hand.
"Give the target only 4.56 fluid ounces of the concoction or it won't work right," he said rapidly, "No more, no less. If too much is applied, you run the risk of overloading the target's circulatory system and causing them to spontaneously combust. If too little is applied, the target will have nightmares about ducks swimming in poison every three nights for the rest of their lives. If the right amount is applied, the target will fall in love with the next person they see for about forty-eight hours. Do you understand?" He had spoken so fast that all Captain Falcon could do was nod. Pit shook his head.
"You came up with this in five seconds?" Pit asked. Dr. Mario shrugged.
"I consider myself a genius," he said, "So when can I expect my letter?"
"Within six hours," said Captain Falcon, flashing a smile, "Thanks Doc!" He ran out of the room. Pit was hesitant to follow. Dr. Mario gleefully skipped back over to his table doing a happy dance and singing some wacky tune. Pit looked to the exit and back at Dr. Mario, trying to decide which weirdo he'd rather be stuck with, and then, as Dr. Mario drank a potion and began to laugh like a madman, he ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
In the meantime, Ganon had stalked Palutena all the way to her room. He would not leave her door and just stood there as she busied herself settling in. It disturbed her that every time she looked out the peephole, he was still standing there.
"What is so interesting that he intends on studying me?" she asked herself, checking her appearance in the mirror. She frowned at her dress and snapped her fingers. The dress became blue. She smiled. A goddess could never look too brilliant after all. That thought in mind, she began to wonder if Ganon the anatomist was so interested in her because she was a goddess. Perhaps he hadn't studied one before.
She walked back over to the door and took another look out the peephole. He was still there, staring at the door. She thought for a moment and smiled. She picked up her staff and held it up.
"Warp!" she cried out. She appeared outside of the door behind Ganondorf. The King of Evil didn't break his gaze at the door. She stared in fascination.
"He's really into this…" she thought to herself. She tapped the back of his head with her staff. He immediately turned around and she fell backwards.
"Oh… uh… hi…" she said with a sheepish smile. They stared at each other for a few seconds. There was awkward tension. Finally, Palutena got herself up, pushing her staff into the ground and stepping onto her feet. Ganondorf's eyes moved up with her. She dusted herself off quickly and smiled.
"So… how are you doing?" she asked heartily. He didn't give her an answer. He just kept staring. Her smile disappeared for a few seconds. She spoke again.
"Well… my servant has told me much about you," said Palutena, "It must be hard to have to deal with all of those bodies. It stinks after a while doesn't it?" Ganondorf looked surprised.
"Oh…" he spoke finally, "Oh yes. O-of course. One can't have… too many bodies in the cellar though. I need someplace to put all of the war casualties…"
"Oh, so you work in the army," said Palutena, "Interesting… you must be very tough to withstand the smell of rotting flesh. And all of that death." Ganondorf blushed hard.
"Y-yes," he stuttered, "O-of course." Palutena smiled, satisfied to at least have gotten a word out of him. She moved on with the conversation.
"Well then, I suppose we should introduce ourselves," said Palutena, twirling around her staff and summoning a very anime-ish flashy background, "My name is Palutena, Goddess of Light. I rule the divine realm of Skyworld truthfully and justly. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The background faded as Ganondorf stared at her stupidly. She nodded to him, suspended one foot in the air, hanging onto her staff, telling him to go on.
"Oh… my name is Ganondorf," said Ganondorf. He paused. Then he added: "King of Evil." Palutena looked at him funny and then put her hands on her hips and let her staff fall against the wall behind her. She got into his face.
"And anatomy?" she asked. Ganondorf nodded quickly. She smiled, satisfied.
"Very interesting," she said, nodding with a hand on her chin, "I've never heard of someone double majoring in evil and anatomy. You're pretty unique for a mortal." Ganondorf gave a subtle phew before continuing.
"Uh… actually… I'm not… entirely mortal," said Ganon, holding up a finger sheepishly, "I can't really…die per se. It's a thing…"
"Oh really?" Palutena asked in surprise.
"Y-yes," said Ganon with a sheepish smile.
"How is that?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, holding up the back of his hand. Palutena examined it and saw a glowing triangle directly below his middle knuckle, within a triangle with two other triangles that were not glowing.
"It's the Triforce of Power," Ganondorf explained, "As long as I have it, I am immortal." Palutena nodded in approval.
"So… do you want to… uh…" Ganondorf's words fumbled. Before he could pick himself up, Palutena exclaimed, "Of course! I'd love to." Ganondorf doubled over in shock.
"What!?" he cried.
"I said I'd love to," said Palutena, "I'm really interested in where you've been with your anatomical studies. And if you'd like…" She flipped her hair and smiled cutely. Ganondorf couldn't help but stare.
"I'll see you downstairs in the dining hall in two hours," she said. And with that, she walked away. Ganon watched her go. As soon as she disappeared, he ran down the hall in the opposite direction, bypassing and knocking over Pit, who had been looking for the Captain. Pit, sprawled out on the floor and hating his life, watched Ganondorf run off faster than he had ever seen the King of Evil run.
"He's happy," said a voice from above him. He looked up and saw Captain Falcon holding a glass of water.
"Where have you been?" Pit groaned, "I've been looking all over for you."
"Well I had to go negotiate with Master Hand," he said, taking a sip of water, "Which worked due to my 'special privileges'. And then I came back here."
"How coincidental…" Pit said in annoyance.
"Not really," said Captain Falcon, tapping the door, "This is my room."
"Oh," said Pit. Captain Falcon downed his glass of water.
"Well, looks like we won't be needing that love potion," said Captain Falcon, "Judging by the way that he was running, he got a date." Pit shot up in shock.
"Wait, what!?" he cried, "With Lady Palutena!?"
"I reckon so," said Captain Falcon.
"Oh man… what have I done!?" Pit cried, holding his head, "Oh man… oh man, oh man, oh man… Lady Palutena's in danger! She can't go on a date with the King of Evil… That… that just doesn't make any sense! The whole universe is going to collapse! I'm going to collapse! This can't be happening! Oh no... oh no… oh no, no, no, no, no…"
Captain Falcon just watched Pit have his mental breakdown in confusion.
"That's strange…" he said to himself, "Oh well. That idiot clone of mine will embarrass himself all the same. He'll pay for jacking my style." He pulled out the love potion and looked at his empty glass. A grin crept across his face. He chuckled.
"I've got to use it on someone…" he said, carefully measuring out the proper amount of the fluid into the glass using his visor. It turned out that there were 4.56 fluid ounces of the stuff in the vial anyway.
"Why'd he bother with the warnings then?" Captain Falcon thought to himself. He shrugged and headed down the hallway toward the weight room, leaving Pit writhing on the floor, begging life for mercy.
Ganondorf crashed through the door of Link's room.
"Hey fairy boy!" he yelled, "I need help! Help me!" Link, who was reading a magazine with his feet upon a desk, stared at Ganondorf as though the King of Evil was from another planet. Ganondorf ran up to Link and shook him by the shoulders.
"You've gotta help me man!" Ganon cried, "I can't mess this up! This is the one! You've gotta!" Link kept staring at him in confusion.
"ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING!?" Ganondorf screamed, dark lightning flashing around him evilly, "THIS IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD! LIFE OR DEATH! HELP ME!" Zelda appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a green swirling light) and pushed Ganon away from Link gently.
"Alright," she said, "Take it easy. No need to be so desperate that you forget Link is a silent protagonist. Now, here's what you need to do. Sheik!" Sheik appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a cloud of smoke) as well and the two women pushed him out of the room and shut the door behind them, leaving Link to his magazine and his thoughts. Now out in the hallway, Zelda slapped Ganondorf's face a few times lightly.
"Now, are you alright?" Zelda asked, "Good. Now, if you want to have a good date…"
"Wait, how did you know that I have date?" Ganondorf asked. Zelda put both hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in his yellow eyes.
"Women know things Ganon," said Zelda sincerely, "Now, in order to have a good date, you have to… feel the chemistry. You know?" Ganondorf looked at her like an idiot. Zelda made a weird face and stared for a few seconds.
"Okay… how about this," she said, "You have to… be loose. No being so stiff and heavy on a date."
"Stay cool and collected," Sheik said quietly, "Hide your fears. Be a ninja with your words."
"What she said," said Zelda, "Also…" She pulled at the back of his hair a few times.
"Ow!" Ganondorf cried as she pulled out a hair.
"Sorry," Zelda said absentmindedly, still stumbling with his hair. Finally, she gave up.
"Your hair is so uncooperative," said Zelda, "When was the last time you showered?"
"Uh… about three years ago," said Ganondorf. As Zelda quickly held her nose, Sheik walked up behind him and touched a part of his hair and it fell down to its full length, reaching all the way down to the middle of his back and falling into his face.
"I feel… ridiculous," said Ganondorf, blowing some hair out of his face. Zelda, still holding her nose, nodded.
"It's in style," she said, though with her nasal passages blocked, "Women love a guy with long hair. You should wear it like that more often… it looks great on you. Sheik?" Sheik nodded and dashed around him. She stopped five seconds later. Ganondorf's hair had been tied into a multi-layer pony-tail.
"Good," said Zelda, releasing her grip on her nose for no particular reason, "Let's see… anything else?"
"Fancy outfits?" Sheik questioned. Zelda snapped her fingers.
"I've got that covered," Zelda said. She rushed back into Link's room. There was a scream from the other side and a lot of yelling for a few seconds. Then Zelda rushed out and backed the door shut behind her, breathing hard. She was holding a tuxedo outfit. Sheik and long-haired Ganondorf stared at her. She quickly perked up, dismissing any "incidents" that might have occurred in the last couple of seconds.
"This should fit," said Zelda, handing Ganondorf the tuxedo, "Even though Link is like two feet shorter than you… uh… yeah, it should work fine." Ganondorf immediately began to disrobe.
"NO!" Zelda screamed, "NOT HERE!" Ganondorf, in panic, ran down the hallway to the communal restrooms, the tuxedo flowing behind him. Zelda fell to the ground, heart racing.
"Are you alright?" Sheik asked nonchalantly.
"I will be once I'm out of the presence of any and all men for seventy-two hours," said Zelda, holding a hand to her chest, "Oh. My. Gosh. What has happened to chivalry?"
"Feminism," said Sheik dismissively.
Captain Falcon looked about the weight room. The two Wii Fit Trainers, who were not-so-recent arrivals at this point, were discussing fitness techniques in one corner. Ike was lifting some ridiculous fictional amount of weight in another. Marth was beating up a Sandbag with the rapier-like Falchion in the center of the room. The Captain walked over to Marth.
"How's that going for you?" he asked.
"Fine," Marth said, short of breath, "Don't interrupt. Combo streak."
"Oh," said Captain Falcon. He walked past Marth and moved over toward Ike.
"Hey man," he said, "How much is that?"
"Almost… a thousand!" said Ike, straining. He managed to get the weight to a peak. Then he dropped it onto the holders.
"Nice," said Captain Falcon, "But you know I can lift OVER 9000!" Ike got up and laughed.
"Sorry Cap," said Ike, "Dragon Ball Z isn't canon in this realm. That joke is irrelevant."
"Well I can still lift over 9000," said Captain Falcon.
"Really?" said Ike in mockery, "Let's see it." Captain Falcon set the cup down on a small table and began adding the additional weights. As he was grabbing the last of them, he looked back over to Ike and visibly paled. There was an empty glass in the one-handed swordsman's hand. He was looking directly at Marth, who was wiping his brow.
"Ike…" Captain Falcon said, almost dropping the weight he held on his foot. Ike took a step toward Marth. Marth turned and saw Ike. Ike, making eye contact with him, suddenly dashed toward the other swordsman with arms open. Marth jumped out of the way and Ike tackled the sandbag.
"Nice form!" said the male Wii Fit Trainer.
"Just a little more level and that would have been a perfect tackle!" said the female.
"Marth, run!" Captain Falcon yelled, "Run for your life! He drank a love potion!" Marth looked between the Captain and Ike, who was getting up from the ground. He took the advice and began running. Ike pursued him. Captain Falcon ran to the door and watched as they ran down the hallway and disappeared.
"What have I done…" Captain Falcon gasped.
"I wish I could say the same for his running," said the male Wii Fit Trainer, "He's so slow… he needs to focus more on exercising the thighs."
"I agree," said the female Wii Fit Trainer, "And the abdomen."
"And the knees."
"And the chest. "
"And…"
Captain Falcon ran after them decisively. He had done something terrible. Something so unspeakably terrible that the fate of the world and the Super Smash Bros fanbase hung in the balance of the outcome of this situation. Marth's identity as a straight male had to be preserved or else.