Hello readers!
The idea for this particular Jibbs story, came from a conversation with my mom. It was about how she had a miscarriage with my sister Katelynn, and the emotions of it. She also told me that I am a rainbow baby. I wanted to sort of explore the topic (if that made sense?) and learn more about it. So, my mom and I talked a little bit more. That's how I got the inspiration for this story.
This will be in Jenn's PoV, as if it's her speaking.
I understand that this isn't an easy topic to deal with or talk about. I do not intend to make anyone upset
This story is a tribute in honor of all miscarried children, rainbow babies, and their parents.
Much Love,
Ashley xx
xxxxxx
They often say, that time heals all wounds. It doesn't completely heal them, all time does is dull the emotions. Even though the emotions are dulled, they're still present; wherever you are, wherever you go and are present 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They never really go away.
xxxxx
It all started 10 years ago, when Jethro and I were on an undercover op in Paris. We were acting as a newlywed couple, when in reality, we were ordered to be there. Ordered to take down two people who were involved in helping an arms dealer, among other things.
Jethro easily took down his target. I however, couldn't take down my target. I don't know why, but something told me not to.
Afterwards, Jethro and I argued on why I didn't take the shot. When our argument ended, we quite literally kissed and made up. Followed by a roll in the sheets.
When the next morning came, I left him with nothing but a 'Dear John' letter. All so I could further my career. The letter was simple but didn't explain much. It read: 'Dear Jethro, I know this is the last thing you expected, and I am so very sorry. I am leaving you here in Paris. I can't go back to the States with you. The reason is that I want to further myself, and it's all a part of my '5-point plan'. I love you Jethro, never doubt that. Once again, I'm sorry. With Love, Jenny.'
I left him and, I hadn't looked back. Of course, that was until I became Director of NCIS.
That first day, when we met in MTAC, was tense. The tension between Jethro and I had been through the roof.
Eventually after a year and a half, the tension had diminished, for the most part. We have become friends, much like we were when I first became an agent.
xxxxxx
We had just solved this case involving a little boy named, Carson. His dad had taken him to an amusement park, and while he was riding the merry-go-
round, his dad was kidnapped.
I was standing on the catwalk above the bullpen, just outside of MTAC. After I had signed a paper on my clipboard, I looked down to the bullpen.
The sight I looked down at, was heart warming. Carson was sitting at Jethro's desk, and Jethro was knelt beside him, blowing up a glove like it were a balloon. Then he asked Carson if he wanted a hot chocolate. He nodded his head yes, and Jethro brought him to the breakroom.
When they came back from the breakroom, they stood in front of the windows that overlooked the Navy yard and D.C. and were drinking their coffee and hot chocolate. The elevator dinged and out stepped Carson's dad and his mom.
He dropped his empty cup and ran toward his parents and hugged them tightly.
It made me smile, to see Jethro so good with kids. Made me wonder what life would have been like, had things went correctly, if Savannah and Brandon hadn't been miscarried.
I saw him pick up the empty cup and along with his, throwing them away and headed up the stairs of the catwalk. He stopped and stood next to me and said, "This case is one reason why I love what we do."
"I agree, this job is quite rewarding." I paused and took a deep breath, hoping that I wouldn't tear up. "You know Jethro, you are great with kids. Ever think about having your own?"
He looked at me with expression that seemed guarded and with an eyebrow raised, "Is that an offer, Jenn?"
I wasn't able to decipher the tone in Jethro's voice. The only thing I was able to do, was to give him some type of answer, if you could even consider it one.
"Hmm..." I knew the smile on my face had disappeared.
I couldn't hear or see anything as I ran back to my office, locking the doors behind me. I couldn't bring myself to care. The emotions swept over me forcefully as I walked to the liquor cabinet and poured myself a large measure of scotch. I downed it in one gulp, not caring about the burning sensation in my throat.
On shaky legs, I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor, in a sobbing mess.
The memories from 10 years ago, came crashing down on me in waves.
First, came the kill shot I was unable to make, and the argument that ensued. After that, was the very passionate night Jethro and I shared once we were done arguing. The next morning, I left Jethro with nothing but a 'Dear John' letter. Two months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins. Four months after I found out I was pregnant, I miscarried the twins. It all happened so fast, before I had told anyone, anything. When I miscarried, I was completely devastated. What made the devastation worse, was that I had their names picked out; Savannah Leigh and Brandon Raye. Of course, they had Jethro's last name. So their full names were; Brandon Raye Gibbs and Savannah Leigh Gibbs.
Had I carried them to full term, and had they been born healthy, Savannah and Brandon would have been Carson's age. They would have been 9 years old. I often wonder what the twins would have looked like and, it kills me everyday knowing that I will never know.
The emotions from the death of my father, were nothing compared to the heartache of losing a child- or in my case, two children. I went through it all alone which, made it all the more terrifying.
Knowing I have to tell Jethro scares me. I don't know if he is going to be angry or if he'll hate me. If he is angry or hates me, it will break my heart. I still love him with my whole being, and I'm not sure what's going to happen next.
xxxxxx
For around 10 minutes, I have been in my office, sobbing. It was uncomfortable sitting on the floor. However, I don't care too much, because I don't have the strength to.
In the midst of me sobbing, I didn't hear the sound of my office doors being unlocked, opened and closed. The sound of footsteps didn't register. I didn't even know that anyone was in my office until I heard a soft but gruff voice, "Jenn."
Looking up towards the voice, I seen Jethro softly staring at me. My vision got blurry as I felt tears pouring from my eyes.
Jethro tried to get my attention, "Jenn."
When I didn't respond, he let out a small sigh and lowered himself to where he was sitting next to me, on the floor. When Jethro was completely seated and as comfortable as he could get, he pulled me onto his lap. On reflex, I curled into him.
As he was stroking my hair, you could tell there was concern in his voice, "Jenn, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
Taking in a deep breath, and letting out a big sigh, I didn't know what to say. How on earth are you supposed to tell someone that you were carrying their child- their children and then you miscarried them? How do you explain to them why you kept it a secret? How?
I looked up at him, I felt so small. "Je...Jethro, Do... Do you promise to not... not get angry or hate me?" I hoped to God he didn't because, I couldn't bare it if he were.
"I want you to know that I promise that I could never hate you or be angry at you. Now what has happened to make you so sad?" There was such a caring tone in his voice and the look in his blue eyes, was one of love, which kind of surprised me. Especially after I left him in Paris.
"It happened 10 years ago. You know, when I didn't take the shot to kill Svetlana. We had an argumeny about it. Afterwards we had a very passionate night. I left you the next morning with nothing but a 'Dear John' letter. Two months later, I found out that I was pregnant with twins. I was scared shitless. Four months later, when I was 6 months pregnant... I... I had... had a miscarriage," I tried to take a deep breath to center myself, "We would have had a little girl and a little boy. I had their names picked out too, which made it so much harder to deal with. Our baby girl was Savannah Leigh and our baby boy was Brandon Raye; of course, they had your last name."
Once I had gotten everything out in the open, I felt good. I also felt like shit because; I never told anyone anything, it felt like it was my fault, I left Jethro. He was the only one I wanted a life with, still want one with. As I let out a sob, I buried my head back into his chest and started crying again.
We sat there in silence for a few minutes. Not speaking a word, just letting things settle a bit before talking again.
Hooking his finger under my chin, Jethro lifted my face so I would look at him. "Jenn, I know you had your reasons for hiding everything, you were scared and I don't blame you or question why. The The loss of a child- or in our case two children, isn't easy."
He didn't question me as after I whispered, "Kelly?" The only reason I know what happened ti his daughter and first wife is because I read his file.
Nodding his head yes, he answered, "Yes, Kelly. I want you to know a few things, Jenn. The miscarriage was not your fault and there is no way you could have prevented it. I do not hate you, nor, am I angry with you. In all honesty, I don't think I ever will be."
Oh God, I was relieved when he said he wasn't angry, and he didn't hate me. I said as much too, "I am so relieved. I am-"
I trailed off as Jethro kissed me. For the first time in ten years, he kissed me.
When we broke apart, He wiped the tears from my eyes and spoke softly. Now how about this, I will drive us out to your house. When we get there, We are going to relax and we are going to revisit this conversation later. Don't worry, I told Cynthia to reschedule things. DiNozzo has everything covered for the team." His ice blue eyes, held nothing but love and care, and his voice mirrored the look in his eyes.
I knew then, that everything was going to be okay, even if there was still ups and downs with a few hiccups.
xxxxx
So what do you guys think? The reason this is titled 'Rainbows', is because it's a prequel of sorts to Never Say Never. Basically, after this incident, Jenn and Gibbs start dating (that's why it's in the 'NSN' Universe).
I haven't watched the episode with Carson for awhile. I haven't had access to any NCIS DVD's like I usually do when I want to re-watch it. So, if any facts or anything about the case and such is in accurate or screwy, let me know and I will edit the story. I also apologize if the format is weird, I wrote most of this on my phone.
Once again, I hope I didn't make anyone upset and such. I have had my mom beta read this for me. Like I said at the beginning of the story, she has had a miscarriage (before me) and I used her experience to write this story. I do hope I did it justice.
Much Love,
Ashley xx