I Don't Want To Be

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

Note: This is AU. Deb Roe is Lucas' mom. Dan and Karen are married with two children – Nathan and Crystal. There are other things, but I'll just let you read and find those out.

----- … scene change or indicated flashback

Italics … thoughts

Bold … emphasis

I Don't Want To Be: Chapter 1: Heading "Home"

A blonde-haired woman stared at the ceiling of her too small room in a too small motel. It was the sixth one they had been in for the week, one per day. Tomorrow they, being her and her son, would arrive in a town she never wanted to come back to – Tree Hill, North Carolina. The place she had tried so hard not to return to, for her sake and her son's. She had to be strong, but she couldn't be strong on her own. Strength wasn't something that she had in spades.

Speaking of which… Her eyes fell on the bottle of pills she had "sworn off" and the large brown bag next to it. What was in the bag? Oh, vitamins for her son, an apple or two, a small box of cookies, a couple of microwavable dinners, and a bottle of vodka…you know, the usual. There was nothing usual about it and Deb knew it. The guilt was killing her even now. She was supposed to quit that, to be a better mother…

Deb smiled sadly at the blond boy sitting on the floor. She could only see a bit of his head, but knew what he was doing. Reading. Give him a book and he'd be satisfied for as long as it took him to read it. If he really liked it, or if he was just that bored, he'd read it again. There wasn't much she could do for him right now, since they were in a hotel and there was no library around. Harry Potter suited him just fine for right now though. He probably thought it was a little childish, but didn't have anything better at his fingertips right now.

Running a hand through her disheveled hair, Deb tried to pull it together. Her mother, who had passed about two years ago, had left her the house and the café she had owned. Deb would have been happy to take them, but there was a problem. A big problem.

Both were in Tree Hill. She loved her mother, really, but she just couldn't bring herself to come back for it. So she let Keith handle it. Even though he was the older brother of the man she despised, she liked him. She always had. Keith was nothing like Dan and she thanked God every day for it. But now, somehow, Keith wasn't being allowed to keep a hold on the café and the house. I wonder why… It had Dan's name written all over it. God how I hate him. Only one good thing came of her…dealings…with Dan.

Lucas.

Yes, Lucas, her little blue-eyed angel that kept her going from day to day. He was what made her struggle on…Deb was just glad she had gotten something right in life. Lucas was quiet, always had been, and she wasn't sure if it was just his nature or a result of his constantly changing environments.

Or maybe it's the fact that his mother drinks so much and uses pills for things other than headaches and cramps. Not that the innocent boy knew that. Deb did her best to shield her baby from things like that – she didn't want such things 'tainting' him…didn't want there to be any chance of him ending up like her. So far so good.

She tried to quit, really she did, but it was just so hard. It shouldn't have been that difficult really, but it was. It was hard and it practically destroyed her to admit it to herself every time she swallowed a pill, a swig of alcohol, or worse - both. The pills she could do without, most of the time…

But the drinks… She needed the alcohol; they let her mind forget all she had been through and all she would still have to face - if only for a little while. And at this point, she would take any break she could get. Lucas was wonderful inspiration, but sometimes he wasn't enough. And that killed her. I'm a horrible mother. Lucas should have been more than enough to keep her clean and strong.

It wasn't like Lucas was a bad child. On the contrary, he was sweet, polite, and hardly ever misbehaved. And when he did, no harm was done – more often than not his antics were cute and brought a smile to her face and/or made her laugh. He was her little ray of sunshine for her many dark days.

But he was still a child, a growing boy with growing needs. She needed to take care of him and his necessities, and that was hard for a single mother- with no steady job - working whatever odds jobs she could so that they could live a decent life.

It wasn't so bad that Deb had to worry about where their next meal would come from, unlike the beginning of things. Her father had refused to help, doing his best to keep her mother from supporting her daughter like she had wanted to. Her mother had adored Lucas and managed to support Deb in secret for two years before their 'cover' was blown.

Unable to stay in a town she was unwelcome in, save for her mother's love, Deb fled. She took her two-year-old son, hopped on the first cross-city bus she found, and rode it to the end. She ended up in Florida…then Georgia…then Kentucky…they had gone waaaay over to California for a while, but ended up going back to Florida.

She feared that so much moving was taking its toll on her son. He grew more and more quiet with each move…less and less inclined to go out and make friends… It was worrying. He hardly left whatever was serving as their home unless it was for school, the store, or to play basketball. Deb smiled slightly, eyes still on the ceiling. Lucas loved basketball, she could tell. He seemed so relaxed and happy when playing – even if he was all by himself. And he was good, or so she supposed. Deb wasn't big on sports, but Lucas always sank his shots and that was good in her book for a twelve-year-old.

Too bad that it couldn't have been random interest. She knew very well where Lucas' adoration for basketball came from, no matter how badly she wished to deny it. The woman could try to reason out that love for a sport was not genetic, but in this case, she whole-heartedly believed it. If anyone could be capable of passing on a love for the game, it would be Dan Scott. There was no doubt in her mind that that was where Lucas' love for basketball came from.

But that was okay. It was fine. Lucas knew nothing of his father and after two years or so of getting no answer, he seemed to have given up all interest in knowing. That was great because Deb didn't want him to know. He couldn't know. Knowing that his father had abandoned them both was enough; she didn't want to hurt him any further. Deb clenched the bottle of liquor a little tighter. She was hungry, but that could wait. Lying here was good for now…

See? The numbness makes it all hurt so much less… If only she could convince everyone else of that…

Just an experimental chapter there. Short? Yeah, I know, but that's how I operate. As a note, this is my first One Tree Hill fanfiction story. So should I quit while I'm ahead or keep on truckin'?