EXT. CENTSMART DISCOUNT TOBACCO SHOP - DAY
CENTSMART, a clown with smeared, hastily-applied makeup,
stands on the street corner outside the shop, holding a
balloon by a string and wearing a sandwich board reading
"Marlboro 2 Pax 4 10% Off." He stares forward, blank-faced.
A passing car stops in front of him, and the WOMAN driving
shouts out the passenger window.
WOMAN
Oh my god, it's one of those scary
clowns that keep showing up in
random places! What are you doing
here?!
CENTSMART
Making minimum wa-
WOMAN
Don't you dare try to kill me! I
got my phone, so just stay away!
The woman holds her phone up and starts recording Centsmart,
her shaking hand causing him to be a blur on the screen.
WOMAN
(yammering into phone)
I'm out here in the middle of
nowhere and this evil clown
appeared for no reason and he has
red eyes and shark teeth and he
wants to suck out my eyeballs!
Centsmart holds the balloon out.
CENTSMART
I don't suppose you'd like a free
balloon.
WOMAN
Get away from me with that
chainsaw!
The woman screams and speeds away. Centsmart sighs. He
turns and is startled by Gravier standing right beside him.
GRAVIER
Hi, Mr. Clown! Did you run away
from the circus?
CENTSMART
Who the hell are you?
GRAVIER
I'm Gravier! What's your name?
CENTSMART
Uh, I'm Centsmart, the money-saving
clown. Where are your parents?
GRAVIER
At home around the corner. They
aren't my real parents. I'm
adopedid.
CENTSMART
Okay...well...have a balloon.
Centsmart hands the balloon to Gravier.
GRAVIER
Wow! Neat!
Gravier immediately lets the balloon go, reaches into his
pocket, and pulls out a roll of bills.
GRAVIER
Now gimme some smokes!
CENTSMART
We don't sell to kids. It's
illegal. I told them this clown-mascot
thing would backfire.
GRAVIER
Not even for extra monies? You can
have all of it.
CENTSMART
How old are you?
GRAVIER
Old enough to walk around the block
all by myself. Mommers and Dadders
told me so.
CENTSMART
Yeah, I think you should just go
back to them.
GRAVIER
But they said I have to stay out of
the house for one hour, and Dadders
said I better have smokes when I
come back.
CENTSMART
I think I'd like to have a talk
with them.
EXT. HOUSE - LATER
Centsmart and Gravier stand on the front porch. Centsmart
rings the doorbell.
CENTSMART
What's wrong with these people?
GRAVIER
Ring the doorbell again!
CENTSMART
I just did it like seven times.
Dadders answers the door, wearing a full-body gimp outfit as
well as a cone-shaped, pompom-adorned hat, a ball gag for a
nose, and a huge polka-dot necktie.
DADDERS
(muffled)
What?! - Oh!
He unzips the mouth of his gimp mask.
DADDERS
(to Centsmart)
Hi there! You must be new. Come
on in. We're just getting to the
good part.
CENTSMART
Uh...is...is this your kid?
Dadders notices Gravier.
DADDERS
(with an aggravated sigh)
Yes.
GRAVIER
Dadders! I didn't know you were a
clown!
DADDERS
Damn it, Gravier. It's hard enough
for us to keep this under an hour,
and you can't even stay away for
that long?
CENTSMART
He tried to buy cigarettes.
DADDERS
Yeah, so where are they? I need my
smokes.
Mommers pushes in next to Dadders, wearing a spiky purple
wig, checkered shirt, and studded suspenders holding up
oversized trousers. She wields a rainbow-striped spanking
paddle.
MOMMERS
Ooh, who's the tall whimsical
stranger?
DADDERS
I don't know, but I can't wait to
find out.
CENTSMART
Uhh, your son was wandering the
streets. Do you really just let
him go out on his own?
MOMMERS
Well we certainly don't want
children hanging around the house
during clowntime.
DADDERS
Exactly, which is why we make our
son go outside and we lock our
daughter up safely in a -
Dadders gestures to a large, empty cage sitting on the side
of the porch, its door hanging wide open.
DADDERS
Oh.
CENTSMART
That's horrible! I'm reporting you
to the police!
MOMMERS
Well the sheriff is here if you
want to talk to him.
Dadders and Mommers move over to make room for the SHERIFF, a
face-painted man dressed in a completely rubber, multicolored patrol uniform.
SHERIFF
(high-pitched voice)
Hi! I'm Sheriff Fuzzycuffs!
MOMMERS
(hushed tone)
Pineapple.
The Sheriff clears his throat.
SHERIFF
(normal voice)
I mean, I'm Sheriff Elmore. What
seems to be the problem?
CENTSMART
What the hell is going on here?
DADDERS
Clownti-
CENTSMART
Yeah, yeah. Doesn't anyone care
about this kid?
Gravier is gone. Centsmart looks around.
CENTSMART
Where'd he go?
MOMMERS
Probably to the liquor store. We
need some fridge packs.
Dadders holds a phone up to Centsmart, shoving the screen in
his face.
DADDERS
Hey, can you tell if this picture
of Bozo is photoshopped? Because I
sure hope it isn't.
Centsmart glances at the screen and looks away in horror,
reeling back.
CENTSMART
Eugh! That's disgusting! You're
all sick freaks! Get away from me!
Centsmart runs away.
DADDERS
Pssh, vanilla clown.
SHERIFF
Well, you did squick him out
without consent, which is violation
of Clown Kink Code 28-B. I'm going
to have to give you the
chair...that has whoopee cushions
all over the seat.
Dadders raises his arms excitedly.
DADDERS
Yay!
Sissy drops down on the porch out of nowhere, holding a milk
crate full of cigarette cartons.
SISSY
Sissy rob tobacco shop!
DADDERS
Best clowntime ever!
END