A/N: I wanted to write a Christmas fic for Forever and after my fellow writer truthisademurelady on Tumblr inspired me to write another baby Abe fic this little bit of fluff is the result. I hope you enjoy it and I wish all of you lovely Forever fans a wonderful Christmas.
It's Christmas Eve and as I stand in this nearly empty flat, with hardly a dime to my name and a war still fresh in my mind, I can't help but think I am the luckiest man in the world. This is, without a doubt, the happiest Christmas out of all the many I've had. And it all has to do with this baby in my arms.
We've only been back in London for about two weeks. The war officially ended months ago but that didn't mean that the work ended immediately. Since I had no family to rush home to, I volunteered to stay on and tie up the loose ends. I was even more eager to do so when I learned Abigail was going to do the same. I enjoyed working alongside of her and she helped me immensely in learning to care for Abe. But the work ended and the time came to for all of us to return home. I knew I would miss being in Abigail's company so I was greatly relieved to find that her home is only a few hours away from mine. But I was also nervous to be left alone to care for Abe on my own. She had been there to help me ever since I decided to adopt him. But she reassured me that I knew what I was doing and was more than able to go at it solo.
To my relief, I found that she was right. I scrambled in our first few days here to get the things that Abe needed but, thanks to her, I at least knew what to get. I didn't have much in the way of possessions left over from before the war. What little else we have is still in boxes. I'm still trying to figure it all out and get everything in order. I still haven't found a job yet. And if anyone were to look at our small home they would assume that we have nothing. Ironically enough, this is the first Christmas I have everything.
Our living room is completely bare save for Abe's playpen and a fully decorated Christmas tree. I haven't had one in years. I haven't wanted one in years. I don't even remember the last time I even cared enough to want to decorate for the holiday. The desire to celebrate just isn't something I've had in a while. This year I couldn't bear to not have a Christmas tree. There were certainly other things I could have purchased but this is Abe's first Christmas, his very first one. I realize how significant that is and I wanted to make it special even if he has no idea of what it means.
In the end I know I made the right choice. It was worth all the work and every penny just to see how happy it made him. I set him out of sight until I had finished decorating it so he wouldn't see it until it was done. When I scooped him up and held him in front of the tree he stared in wonder at it for a moment before kicking his legs in excitement. His little mouth dropped open, as he stared mesmerized by the red plastic bell lights and the red, green, and gold balls. There were so many colors and reflections it held him in a trance and I just watched him every second as he watched it. All those sights and colors were brand new to him. I'd forgotten how beautiful a Christmas tree could be until I saw it through his eyes. After having 165 Christmases I thought that this one would be no different. After you've had so many there seems to be very little you can do to make it special anymore. But this is his very first one. This is the first one I get to share with him and that makes this Christmas very special to me.
After being stunned by the sight of the tree for a while he started to grab excitedly at the silver tinsel icicles that were strewn on the branches. He pulled them off and threw them in the air, making a big mess but he was giggling so much I could do nothing but laugh along with him. He was so happy I wouldn't dream of stopping him. I only intervened when he grew tired of throwing them about and attempted to put them in his mouth.
I don't have money enough to get him anything else for Christmas but I know that this was the perfect gift. There is only one present under the tree and it's for me. Abigail sent it with her last letter. Already she's sent me two letters since we've returned. We promised to stay in touch after we parted ways but I feared we wouldn't. I am glad my fears were for nothing. Her letters were filled with questions about Abraham, saying she missed him terribly. She even said the same about me. I don't know what will become of us from here on out but there is a frightening potential for more. Much more. I don't know what her gift holds; I was given the firm order to not open until Christmas and I will abide her wishes. But I feel there is no gift in the world that could surpass what I've already been given this year. With the blessings I already hold and the promise for even more, I find that I'm the richer any man alive.
Abe continued to stare at the tree but his eye lids got tired after a while. Even still, he started at the lights and glitter for a long time. I watched as he fought off sleep as long as he could. His gaze stayed on that tree until he could no longer win and sleep overtook him. I don't even know how long ago that was but I'm still standing here, swaying gently as Bing Crosby sings on the radio. I feel like I could stand here forever with him cradled against me. I can feel him leaving a wet spot on my waistcoat as he falls deeper into sleep but I don't care because I can feel each and every one of his breaths against me. Until I became father I didn't know how a parent could be captivated by such a simple thing. But I find I'm no exception to being completed riveted by such a simple act when it is that of my own child. I cuddle him tighter, he's warm and soft, wrapped in his red footed sleeper, and he scoots in closer tucking his face against my shoulder. I smile because I'm so done for and I've never happier to be caught.
He doesn't know it's Christmas. He's much too young for that. I should take advantage of his ignorance of the holiday and grab the sleep while I can. I know there will be many years when he'll be up in the middle night waking me to open presents. But I don't dread it. In fact, I couldn't be looking more forward to those times. Christmas is especially magical when you're a child and he still has all those exciting Christmases ahead of him. And I get to share all of those memories with him; all the lists to Santa, and presents to open, and snowmen to be built. And I can't wait.
Tears fill my eyes as I look down at you, my son, Abraham. Your little sleeping face is so peaceful without a single care in the world. I lean down and press a kiss to your head breathing in deep as I do so, and your feathery soft hair tickles my face as I pull away. You've already made me softer than I've been in many many years but I guess the holiday has me feeling extra sentimental today. On this holiday which centers around the birth of a baby who would change the world forever I can't help but think about you, my baby, and how you've changed my life forever. The world seems filled with even greater joy this Christmas, the first in so many without war. I felt everyone bustling with when we were at the tree lot and, for once, I get to be a part of it. I get to join in rather than being on the fringes and that is because of you. I can scarcely believe how I've been so fortunate as to have you.
When people hear our story they say how wonderful it is that I saved you. But that isn't at all what happened. You saved me. Sure, I can't die but that doesn't mean you didn't save my life. You did. And I know how wonderful that is.
I didn't know what I was going to do after the war ended. It wasn't that I didn't want it to end. I certainly didn't want it to continue. It was just that I didn't know what I would do once it was over. I had been so busy, so caught up in the chaos of it all, that I hadn't spared a thought as to what my new normal would be after that one ended. I wasn't like the other guys who had a home to return to. They all had someone to go back to. I planned on returning to London since that was technically home but there wasn't going to be anyone waiting on me. I would return to my normal career, the one that I'd had before the war, but the futility of it all was not something I looked forward to. It was going to be starting over and the thought of doing that, on my own, depressed me. I don't want to think about what might have happened to me if you hadn't arrived. I don't know how I would have battled the demons that I acquired during the war or fought the struggle of the simple every day if you weren't here to give me joy, to give me purpose. I don't know how a baby can make a grown man feel so brave but you make feel like I could do anything.
They say it's a miracle, that your very existence is a miracle and they're right. You are a miracle. I don't even know how you survived. They didn't keep the babies in the camps. They were always the first to go. Even when I'm holding you and I know you're safe, my heart aches to even think of what could have happened to you. I can't bear to think of your life ended, that I'd never have known you. For some reason they spared you. Somehow you survived. And you didn't just survive. You came out completely unscathed. I wish I could know how that happened but I couldn't be more grateful that you'll never remember the horrors of what you saw. Yes, you are a miracle. And you're all mine. I've never been so glad to be so selfish.
I kept expecting them to realize their mistake. I expected that they would realize just how special you are and that I'm not even close to being good enough to deserve being your father. Those fears didn't dissipate until the papers were signed and you had my name but even then I half expected them to take them back, ripping up the proof that you were mine before I could ever bring you home. But they just kept giving me the credit. They kept saying how lucky you were to have me. How fortunate it was that I was giving you a home. I thought for the longest time that I wasn't hearing them right. Surely, they couldn't be saying the things I thought I heard. How could they have gotten it so wrong?
Because I didn't choose you. I never planned to be a father. I never intended on adopting you. I don't let people in. I don't get close to them. You choose me. You didn't wait on an invitation. You wouldn't take no for an answer. Somehow, you weaved yourself into my heart instantly and firmly planted yourself there. Honestly, I wouldn't have pursued this if it were my own choice. I can be a coward and this scares me to the very core. I love you so much; I never knew I could love a person so much. It's frightening in its intensity. It is so consuming I often feel I might burst with it. I want so much for you I don't know how I'll ever make it all possible. Can I ever give you all I want to give you? Can I ever make you as happy as I want to make you? Can I ever keep you safe from all harm and pain? I only want to protect you from everything. The weight of responsibility I bear from holding you is so grand. It scares me that I think I would do anything to make sure you're safe from everything. Especially, because at the same time I have the knowledge that I will fail; I could never protect you from everything even though my desire is to do so.
I don't think it's possible to give you everything I want to give you but I will give everything I have to try. I only hope that from all my flawed efforts you'll at least feel some part of the magnificent joy you've brought me. If I accomplish nothing else I hope you at least know how much I love you.
Abraham, you've given me the most precious gifts this Christmas. You have given me things that are so valuable and irreplaceable; things I never thought I'd ever have again. You've given me hope. You've given me home and belonging. You've given me purpose. I wonder what you dream of, what your little heart desires now as you sleep. I don't know but I know what I'll give you in return. I'll promise you I will always be here. I will always love and care for you. I will never leave you. That's a promise I can make and I'm the only one who can actually keep it. It is the first and only time I have ever been glad I'm immortal. I'm grateful for my immortality because it allows me to give you this. I don't know why I've been given this, or what purpose it is supposed to serve. But in this moment, right now, I like to think you're the reason.
So, sleep well my sweet Abraham I'm not going anywhere, not ever.