The Prince and the Doe

Written while listening to: Snow Patrol – Eyes Open CD

Date: July 30, 2007

Disclaimer: Ain't mine.

Spoiler Warnings: MAJOR HP7 SPOILERS. You've been warned.

Pairings: Snape/Lily

There were few things Severus Snape had difficulties with. Few things aside from social interactions of any form, anyway. The gaunt boy – he was often described as such, though "brooding" and particularly "greasy" were equally frequent in their usage – was much more accustomed to furiously scribbling over a piece of parchment than furrowing his brows at a confusing piece of text, and yet… things happen. Obstacles arise. For five years now, the obstacles were in the shape of a certain James Potter and Sirius Black, but they possessed the collective mental maturity of a dungbomb. Their sidekicks fared little better – they were as good as the lingering odor afterwards, constant, wispy, and always leaving a bad aftertaste.

Severus smacked his lips. They were dry, a not uncommon occurrence during winter. He barely bothered to address trivialities, but his mental block seemed to distract him even further. His eyes scanned the paragraph again. To conjure an effective Patronus, one must summon the happiest memory and issue the incantation, "Expecto Patronum." It was a simple enough sentence, a brief summation of the complicated spell. The following chapter discussed the origins of the spell, the meanings of the Patronuses, the usages… he flipped through it impatiently with a choppy hand. He had little time for dawdling. He was expected to perform a Patronus next period, a double-period with his favorite Gryffindors. At the thought of James Potter firing his wispy stag across the class, Severus gripped his wand a little tighter. They had been working on Patronuses for the past week, as a last-ditch effort to learn something before Christmas Break. Potter was in no way the cleverest pupil in the class, but he had conjured his stag effortlessly. Severus resented the black haired mess with every particle of his being as he watched Potter dance the stag around Lily Evans. Severus had watched her almond green eyes light briefly before admonishing Potter with a "Stop showing off, you prat!" But that one moment of delight that crossed her eyes was enough to trigger him, Potter could not be allowed to make her happy.

It was only of minor comfort that Lily had not been able to achieve an effective Patronus either. Whenever she tried, the silvery strands that erupted from her wand seemed to disassociate, preventing a distinct animal form from materializing. Potter had found this most amusing and teased her, only to further annoy her. But there was a smile in her eyes, Severus could tell, and it had sent his stomach downwards faster than a first year drowning in the lake.

"Time's almost up," He muttered to himself, tapping the maple wood desk with his wand. I'm supposed to concentrate my happiness into this piece of useless wood, he felt his lip curling in disgust. He never felt whole, as if he could only ever summon half of his happiness. Half blood Prince, half happiness, it's fitting. If he could expel Tobias Snape's dirty blood from his veins, cast off his name, and have Lily Evans…

He tried to think of his mother. She was not an attractive person, but something about her in the presence of his father made her seem more delicate and vulnerable than could ever be perceived from her appearance. It mattered little to the Slytherins what Eileen Prince looked like, but her blood was beautiful. It was pure. He could have held onto the little scrap of solace of his beautiful, pure blood, if it was not for his father. He remembered his childhood, wracked with a silent house one moment and a thundering one the next, but he also remembered the beautiful red haired girl on the swings. She was wholesome, and he was a shadow. He could only ever be half of anything, and in the bright, ever glorious sunshine of Potter, he could be nothing at all.

The silvery wisps that had been floating around his wand vanished.

Snarling, Severus grabbed his bags and tumbled through the Slytherin common room, ignoring the presence of everyone and even stepping on a first year in his neglect.

"You have been practicing for a week," the professor introduced the lesson as he walked through the aisles. "Some," he glanced affectionately at James, "have been more successful than others." He gave Severus a long glance that was a mixture of disappointment and surprise. "As your final marks before the winter holidays, I would like everyone to line up against the wall and perform your Patronuses in succession." There was a shuffling as the class stood up. Severus saw the bounce in Potter's step as he struggled to rise with Sirius Black's languid ease. He knew Potter had been able to perform the Patronus since last year, information that caused Severus's already sallow complexion to pale in frustration. He made it a point to keep ahead of James at all times, to know what that pompous airhead was doing, but he could never summon a Patronus.

The professor pulled Severus aside, whispering into his ear, "Severus, is something wrong? You have always excelled at Defense against the Dark Arts." If anything, the act of concern seemed feigned and further tested his nerves. "I am fine," Severus muttered through gritted teeth. The professor released his robes and glided to the table to judge the examinations, and Snape equally glided to the end of the line.

By some twist of fate, Peter Pettigrew was first. Severus highly doubted Peter had volunteered the spot by himself. He noticed that his other three companions withdrew in the line, until the shriveled boy stammered and walked out of the line.

"Expecto Patronum?" He called weakly, almost as if asking a question. As if remembering to summon happy memories as an afterthought, he squeezed his eyes shut and waited. Opening one eye tentatively, he saw nothing. The professor scribbled something from his desk, and motioned for the next pupil.

Remus Lupin managed to produce a Patronus, but it flickered and lingered only briefly. He let out a sigh when he was done, as if it took extensive effort to summon his happy thoughts. James nearly tripped over himself when stepping forward, but played it off nonchalantly with a wide grin at a nearby group of girls. "I'm falling for you," he told the crowd, though the class was very aware that he was speaking to the red head of the crowd. A flash of red crossed Severus's mind, but his body relaxed when Lily gave Potter the look she would give a cockroach. Severus watched Potter produce a perfect stag, which had the consistency of a ghost but emitted a radiant glow that lifted the spirits of those around James. Potter beamed with all of the arrogance of a boy first being potty-trained, and Severus was convinced that his accomplishment was equivalent. Though Snape watched Lily's face for a reaction, he could not find her amidst the group of girls as he scanned the line.

"What are you looking for?" He heard a voice from behind. He whirled around, almost whipping Lily with his hair.

"Hey, careful!" She laughed. "I wouldn't want grease marks." Severus paled slightly at this comment, and she blinked before realizing she had touched upon a nerve.

"I didn't mean anything by that, Sev," She said honestly. "I'm just joking."

"It's Potter's joke." He said quietly.

"Maybe. I can't believe I'm using Potter's words." Lily made a face.

"Why are you here?" Severus asked in an undertone, relishing the moment as he watched James scan the line for Lily. Potter's accomplishment was somewhat hollow without being able to gloat in front of his little infatuation. He could feel himself smirking.

"Would you look at me?" Lily chastised him. "I can see you watching Potter out of the corner of your eye. Get over it. Just be ready to make a better Patronus." She paused, looking at James from between the crowd. "He's a toe rag, but at least he can do this." She took a deep breath. "I get nervous thinking about it. I normally don't have trouble with this stuff, but I can't seem to collect my thoughts." She smiled at Severus, looking up through her eyelashes. Severus was sure something in his body was malfunctioning, but it mattered little.

"I can't do it either," He offered hastily, pushing his stringy hair out of his eyes.

"Oh really? Everyone just assumed you were holding out for an amazing show today!" Lily laughed. It was an ordinary laugh by anyone's standards, but it sounded like an orchestra of chirping birds to Severus. Provided they were melodious chirping birds, of course. If even one of the birds was off-key, he would hex them into their next evolutionary stage.

"How could Severus Snape, master of Defense against the Dark Arts, find any difficulty doing this?" Lily seemed more surprised than he wanted. Severus felt his appeal draining. It was as if Sirius Black was sucking it out of him from behind with his Patronus. Instinctively, Snape whirled around – it was likely Black was sucking something out of him.

"False alarm," Lily laughed again, recognizing Severus's twitchy habits. "Sirius is too busy trying to keep his Patronus going. I bet I know what he's thinking of, and it's got measurements of 36-24-36, I guarantee you."

"He's thinking of you?" Severus asked so genuinely that Lily felt unjustified hitting him as she would if James or Sirius had said it.

"You're an expert conversationalist, aren't you?" Her smile wasn't as wide as she saw the line shrink. Nearly half the class was done now, and therefore, available to gawk and stare at their classmates' Patronuses. A Slytherin towards the front produced a Patronus in the form of a worm, complete with slime dripping off in glowing droplets.

"Ugh," The professor made a face, but marked the passing grade on his parchment. The Gryffindors in the class erupted in laughter as the handicapped Patronus hobbled along the ground.

"As long as I don't get that, I'll be okay." Lily whispered. Snape gulped.

"I'm afraid of what it will be."

Severus said this so quietly, that if Lily had not been leaning in to whisper herself, she would not have heard it. She gave him a puzzled look.

"I've tried," He paused, "Tried very hard to think of a good memory. A happy one. I'm not sure what I will find."

"Didn't you say you were learning Occlumency? Wouldn't it be easier for you to sort through your memories?" Lily pondered the thought. "You never had a single happy thought you could use?"

"It needs to be overwhelming, I think," Severus responded.

"To be honest, I'm not sure either." Lily shrugged. "I think I want to try something a little different for mine. It's not really a memory, but it's the happiest I can think of." She smiled inwardly, as if appreciating the private warmth of her happiness already.

"What is it? Will you share it?"

Lily gave him an appraising look, before whispering, "I think of my family in the future. Mum and Dad are there in our house. Tuney is there too, and she's smiling with me, playing with my first child. I don't know if it'll be a boy or girl… I think I would like a girl." She paused. "No, a boy. I want a boy. There would be a fire crackling in the corner, and even though it's the middle of the winter, it would be toasty warm. Even though the whole family is there, it's all quiet. Peaceful. I'd be sitting with my husband at the edge of the sofa, on the carpet, watching my son play." Lily closed her eyes. "It's such a Muggle dream, isn't it? There's nothing whizzing or flying around, just peacefulness."

"Miss Evans?"

Lily's eyes flew open as she heard the professor call her name.

"It's your turn," He gestured as Lily flushed pink. Lily squeezed Severus's hand, whispering, "Wish me luck," as she passed him.

Hand still tingling, Severus watched Lily step tentatively towards the open space in the classroom. Raising her wand, she cleared her throat and spoke in a steady, clear voice, "Expecto Patronum!" Her eyes were closed, like Pettigrew's, but unlike his frenzied panic, she seemed to be in such a state of peace. A delicate doe burst from the light and pranced around the room. The doe's hooves trotted lightly, bouncing from desktop to desktop and at one point, making a light stomp on James's head. Lily giggled as James ruffled his hair again, but looked away as James flashed Lily a wide grin. The doe pranced and stopped momentarily in front of Severus, before vanishing.

"Aw, way to kill the fun, Snivellus," Sirius called loudly. The girls in the class had been cooing with adoration over the delicate doe, and Lily beamed.

"Excellent, Miss Evans." The professor scribbled on the parchment appreciatively. "Well… our last student. Severus?"

Snape stepped forward without the ease of Lily, but his hair covered his face and no one could read his expressions. He whipped out his wand with such ferociousness, one would think he was ready to duel. Instead, he lifted his face. He was speaking to the class but not looking at anyone at all. He was looking into emptiness, but his emptiness was filled with bright light, not darkness. Not like the darkness that seemed to breed in his home, not the dark glint of his father's eye that he seemed to have inherited. He closed his eyes and cried, "Expecto Patronum!" Snippets of Lily's words swam around him, suffocating him in a way Potter's hexes could never achieve. Just peacefulness… she had said with a distant tone in her voice. He couldn't stand that distance; it was as if she was moving farther and farther away with every passing year. He tried to focus on Lily's dream, and made it his own. None of the extras mattered. It was just him and Lily, together, peaceful, and the Christmas Eve was silent. He allowed it to fill him with warmth, imagining the fireplace's warmth as his own. Visions of the warming light alternated with visions of her, her hair, her perfectly shaped eyes and their piercing vibrant verdure. He had always been watching her, watching her from behind the bushes and watching her soar into the air, watching her board the train, watching her run from the others, watching her back as she defended him occasionally from Potter's jeering marks, watching her turn away when the subject landed on his choice in friends. He couldn't even see her in his dream, but she was beside him. She was a fixed presence. Permanent.

He opened his eyes. In the light produced by his Patronus, which seemed to fill the room, a fragile doe stood tentatively. The other Patronuses had bounded across the room, but the doe stood staring at her caster questioningly. Snape looked down at the creature, a confusing swirl of emotions wracking his body.

"Look at Snape's ferocious Patronus!" He could hear Sirius cackling. There was a retort Lily threw in that sounded like, "You're insulting mine, too!" but he was only watching the doe. The professor gave him a sidelong glance as he marked down the passing grade. As Severus lowered his wand, the doe bounded out the window.

"After all this time?"

"Always," said Snape.