Note: I don't own the characters, etc.
I sat by the computer late into the night writing up this Mary Sue fantasy I'd made up. It starred me and was a real pip.
Legolas put his arms around me and kissed me
. It was the best kiss I'd ever had, I wrote. Then I crossed out Legolas and put in Aragorn. I couldn't decide. They were both so yummy. Though I couldn't forget Frodo, small and adorable. And what about Boromir? Boromir was a real man . . .I yawned, put my head down on my folded arms, closed my eyes, and tried to imagine myself kissing each of the various Fellowship members. Each had such different but wonderful qualities that I couldn't choose. Slowly I drifted off to sleep thinking: thank goodness tomorrow's Sunday so I'll have the whole day to decide . . .
* * * * *
I opened my eyes and expected to see my computer and my room and my mother yelling at me for forgetting to take out the garbage last night. Instead I found myself on the ground. In a forest. Being stared at by the members of the Fellowship of the Ring! They were standing around me in a circle (the way the riders of Rohan did to them) and it looked so cool. They were close enough to touch, so I did. I tapped Frodo's foot. He jumped back with a startled look. Aragorn had his sword out in a flash.
"Who are you and what do you want?" he demanded.
I sighed happily. This was my chance to show them how wonderful I was and get them to love me. "My name is Debbie," I said. "I have heard of your quest and have come from afar to aid you. I can use a sword and a bow and I can cook and, uh, I can sing."
"How preposterous!" Gimli burst out. "We have no need of any human with those skills on our journey."
Uh oh. This wasn't going quite as planned. Why didn't they immediately fall in love me? This was my story and they were supposed to do what I wanted. . . . Hmm, maybe I had to demonstrate my wonderfulness by saving one of their lives. Except that I didn't actually have any of the skills that I'd boasted of. I was an okay singer, but did the Fellowship really want to hear me sing "Bring Me to Life?" Besides, it might be a little too ironic.
I stood up. Aragorn lifted his sword to keep it pointed at my chest and I was careful not to make any threatening moves. "If you allow me to join you, I will prove myself," I beseeched.
"No," Aragorn said.
"No?" I asked.
Gimli shook his head. "No."
"Is that your final answer?" I asked gamely.
Then the head shaking became contagious.
"No," said Boromir, his voice firm.
"Laa," said Legolas, in Elvish. I took it that "laa" didn't mean "yes."
"No," the four Hobbits said almost in unison, but softly. None of them would meet my eyes. I took that as a hopeful sign.
"Come on, I can cook. I'm sure Sam wouldn't mind having a day off and you could sample the exotic tastes of my country." I said this with my fingers crossed behind my back. Yeah, I was taking Home Ec in school, but I hadn't mastered the meat-based dishes yet. And I'm sure nobody here wanted toast and scrambled eggs for supper.
Aragorn lowered his sword. I guess he finally realized that I wasn't a threat but a possible addition to his team. He looked at me intently and said: "Go home, miss. You are not going with us anywhere."
I was aghast and upset by his tone. He really meant it. This wasn't supposed to happen. In a Mary Sue fic the Fellowship was supposed to welcome her with (at least somewhat) open arms. Tears welled in my eyes and a lump formed in my throat. What was wrong with me? I was the worst Mary Sue ever. Maybe I was the worst writer ever. My friends had always told me they'd liked my fanfics but maybe they'd been lying, maybe they'd said it just so they wouldn't hurt my feelings. A teardrop rolled down my cheek. And then another. And another. Until I was sobbing.
Nobody liked me enough to tell me the truth! I was almost flunking physics and I didn't have a date for the prom! And now even fictional characters didn't want me! I cried and cried until my eyes burned.
My eyes were closed when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened them a teeny bit. It was Pippin. "Please don't cry, miss," he said. "They pretty much didn't want me and Merry to come along either."
"Oh, Pippin, you're so sweet!" I sobbed and threw my arms around him. I was still crying but inside I felt a grin spreading. I knew I could get one of them to like me. As I stayed in his arms I got kind of a whiff of his shirt. It smelled like it hadn't been washed for ages, which it probably hadn't. I almost recoiled when the full, ripe smell hit me, but restrained myself. I could accept that there wasn't any deodorant in Middle Earth.
Pippin extricated himself from me.
"So will you help me convince the others to let me come along?" I asked, looking at him meaningfully.
He hung his head. "I'm sorry," he said.
I sighed. I'd tried. And failed. There was no use in pushing. I didn't want to provoke anyone into chopping off my head or anything.
"Okay, I accept your decision," I said. There was a sigh of relief when I said that. I could tell they were all glad that I wasn't going to be a pest anymore. I almost giggled because I would still have my way. "But I won't leave until someone kisses me," I finished.
Gimli chortled. "You do it, Pippin, as you seem taken with this girl."
Pippin blushed. "I think I'm a bit young for kissing yet."
Merry piped up. "And besides, she's not very attractive. Maybe to humans, but as a Hobbit, I think she seems awfully thin."
Sam and Frodo gave me the once over. "She could use a bit of fattening up," Sam said.
Since I had just lost twenty pounds with Weight Watchers, I couldn't help but feel that their rejection was still a compliment.
"Nobody's going to kiss you," Aragorn said. "Please, leave us to go in peace."
"Nuh-uh," I said. "No kiss, no go. Why can't you do it? Because you're engaged? I'm sure Arwen wouldn't mind. You're doing it for the greater good of Middle Earth. The sooner you get me to leave, the sooner you can continue on your way. I'll follow you wherever you go if someone doesn't kiss me."
Gimli said: "I won't do it. I won't kiss a human."
From Legolas, who did look vaguely bemused by my demand, but delivered the worst insult: "Nor I. I'd rather kiss a dwarf." Gimli looked like he wasn't sure if he should take that as an insult to himself as well but in the end said nothing.
"Boromir, it looks like the task falls to you," Aragorn said.
Boromir, who had been so silent until now looked from Aragorn to me, then back again. "All right," he said, "but I don't need all of you watching us. We'll walk away from the camp a few paces. I'll kiss her then send her on her way."
Aragorn clapped Boromir on the shoulder. "Good man," he said and put his sword back in its scabbard. He and the rest of the Fellowship turned back to whatever they had been working on before I'd shown up.
Boromir hooked his arm around my shoulder and led me behind some trees so we were out of sight of the others. He didn't say anything until we out of earshot as well.
"I didn't want to say anything in front of them," he whispered in my ear, "but as soon as I saw you lying on the ground I thought you were the most beautiful creature ever. My refusal to allow you to come with us was from my desire to protect you. I have no wish for you to be subjected to the deprivation and peril that we live with constantly. If we do defeat the evils and destroy the Ring, I will go home to my father and brother in Gondor. Perhaps we can meet again there."
I shivered with pleasure. This is what I had come to Middle Earth to hear. I almost didn't even need the kiss, but I could feel Boromir's taut body so close to mine, and knew that even if I made it to Gondor, he wouldn't.
"You are a noble soul," I said. "If I do not reach Gondor, please don't forget that. Or me."
"I could never forget you," he said, stroking my hair. Boromir put his arms around me and kissed me. It was the best kiss I'd ever had . . .
* * * * *
When I opened my eyes I wasn't in Boromir's arms anymore. I was back at home in front of my computer. I smiled even though my stint as a Mary Sue had been mostly a failure. At least I knew how to end my newest fanfic story.
THE END