Lust Crave Hetero Omits

by zaen

Slash. A popstar and a Pittsburg advertising exec end up in Middle Earth, meet a man, an elf, and 2 Jedi. Hijinks ensue. Crossover of Queer as Folk, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, some Heroes, and more. Starring JC Chasez.

Lust Crave Hetero Omits; or, A Secretive Truth Looms; aka The Ultimate Crossover

Prologue:

Pop star JC Chasez is in New York City for fashion week. At an afterparty he makes the acquaintance of Brian Kinney, an advertising exec from Pittsburg. Brian invites JC back to his swank hotel, where they watch Lord of the Rings : the Return of the King on cable. They have a little drink, a little drug, and a lot of sex before falling asleep in an exhausted heap in front of the television.

~*~

Brian is in a deep sleep when JC shakes him violently.

JC: Brian! Wake up! Oh my God!

BRIAN: Lay off, boybander. I'm trying to sleep.

JC: Wake up and look at me!

Brian opens his eyes to find JC standing over him. Instead of in the comfortable hotel room, they are outside, in a vast forest. Instead of the NC-17 rated t-shirt and jeans JC was wearing before, he's dressed in some sort of medieval-inspired tunic, leggings, and cape getup. Pink getup ,no less. Gone is the short cropped do JC was sporting before, as now his hair is long and flowing down his shoulders. So long that it barely covers JC's pointy ears. Brian takes in their surroundings, JC's appearance, and their situation.

BRIAN: (yawning) So?

Brian shrugs and lays his head back down on a rock. JC taps his foot, waiting. Eventually, Brian's eyes fly open and he jumps to his feet—3 feet off the ground.

BRIAN: This is a dream; of course it's a dream. I mean…it has to be…I mean, no way is some pop singer…3 feet…taller…than…me.

Brian peers down at his lederhosen-esque outfit, and then down to his gargantuan, hairy feet. He touches his ears, wincing at their pointy ends.

JC: Um, I think you're a Hobbit.

Brian takes a deep breath, and then screams loudly out into the silence of Middle Earth.

~*~

JC: Calm down, cat!

BRIAN: Calm down? Easy for you to say, elfboy! At least you're not facing the world at crotch level!

JC: Well, as horny as you are, I'd think you'd enjoy that!

BRIAN: Well—hm. Now that you mention it…

Brian stretches his Hobbit legs and arms, getting a feel for his new body. He smiles and waltzes over to JC, looks him up and down, and then walks behind him, checking out the tall elf's body.

JC: Wow. I've just been cruised by a Halfling.

BRIAN: (shrugging and walking away) Please, I've had you. And besides, I'm not into guys who look like chicks.

JC follows after, struggling with the heavy quiver strapped to his back.

JC: Wait up! And I don't look like a girl! You're just jealous! Wait! I don't know how to shoot an arrow!

BRIAN: Hurry up, man! I have got to find something else to wear. I look like a leprechaun!

~*~

BRIAN: (mumbling to himself as he walks) No more drugs for me. Just alcohol. And nicotine. And pot.

JC: (taking in the dense forest around them) I don't know, cat. I'm buggin, but this is kinda neat, you know? I mean, it's all so weird, but kind of familiar at the same time. Like…like…

BRIAN: Like the first time you touch another guy's knob?

JC: Yeah!

JC smiles and enthusiastically crosses arms at his chest and points his index fingers in a self-congratulatory, paparazzi-ready pose. Brian falls 2 feet to the ground with laughter.

JC: (unfazed) That's right. I rock.

BRIAN: I should have nailed Nick Carter instead.

~*~

As they make their way through the forest, they suddenly hear voices.

BRIAN: Hear that? Finally, some people. Maybe they can wake us out of this nightmare before I go Lindsay Lohan's dad up in here!

JC: (grabbing Brian) Wait! Maybe we shouldn't let on who we are! They might take us prisoner, or burn us as witches, or take us to Sauron or something?

BRIAN: What the fuck are you talking about?

JC: Didn't you pay attention during the movie?

BRIAN: (shrugging out of JC's hold) I was too busy getting you on your back. C'mon, I want to get out of this nightmare before—

Brian stumbles through some brush and happens across 2 males—1 human, 1 elf—standing face to face, barely a hair's breath between them, arms on each other's shoulders, speaking lowly in some strange language. At the Hobbit's intrusion, the two companions look up suddenly, quickly step away from each other and grab their weapons, eyes red with courage even though their cheeks flame with awkwardness. Brian smirks. JC holds his hands over his head, but smiles happily.

THE MAN: (brandishing his sword deftly) Who are you? Speak your names!

THE ELF: (drawing an arrow back, pointing it at JC and Brian) Orc spies, surely!

JC: We weren't spying on you!

BRIAN: But now that you mention it…what were you two doing just now?

MAN AND ELF: Nothing! Nothing at all!

JC: Look, we're not Orc spies, ok?

JC slowly approaches the two, shoving the Hobbit next to him as he passes.

JC: We are lost on our way to, uh, (mumbling) Aeeeiiiioooouuuu and we just barely escaped a band of Uruk-hai. We come in peace.

BRIAN: (lowly) We come in peace? What direct-to-video movie did that come from?

JC: Shut up! (approaching the other 2 slowly) Please, we mean you no harm. I am JC.

The man and the elf eye him expectantly.

JC: Oh! Um, yes, I am JC of the…um…

BRIAN: The Chavez.

JC grits his teeth, but decides it's not worth pursuing.

JC: Yes, I am JC of the Chavez. See?

JC pulls his hair away to show off his elf ears and bats his eyelashes. The elf across from him lowers his weapon a bit.

THE ELF: That name is unfamiliar to me, but…

The elf looks JC over carefully, as if using some third eye to verify JC's"elfness." When he's satisfied that JC is a true elf, he nods his head and stows his weapon.

THE ELF: I am Legolas, son of Thranduil. This (indicating the man) is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. (looking at Brian) And your name, Hobbit?

BRIAN: I am Brian of the…Youwannafuck?

ARAGORN: (befuddled) You…wanna…fuck?

BRIAN: Absolutely! Let's go, hotness!

JC shushes Brian as Aragorn and Legolas look on with amused confusion.

JC: Such a kidder, this one (laughing nervously). But really, we're friendly!

LEGOLAS: Yes, well…Aragorn, we should not linger any longer.

ARAGORN: You are right. We must find our friends.

JC: Ooh! Can we come, too?

BRIAN: Yeah, I mean, uh, you wouldn't leave 2 defenseless hotties out in the middle of nowhere, with big nasty Erks—

JC: (whispering) Orcs!

BRIAN: I mean Orcs roving around, would ya?

Brian smiles and licks his lips seductively.

ARAGORN: (smiling despite himself) I suppose we could escort them for a short while. Just until we are out of the woods.

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, are you sure? (lowers voice) Estel, lethloriad argooassgot!

Aragorn replies in Elvish. Legolas looks at JC.

LEGOLAS: Sinda gurth lenn li JC avar moordo.

JC: Um…I'm gonna saaaay…yes.

Aragorn and Legolas nod and start gathering their things. JC smiles proudly.

BRIAN: You understand that vowel-heavy nonsense they're speaking?

JC: No, I just guessed!

~*~

The quartet walks quickly through a wooded meadow, Aragorn and Legolas leading 3 horses, Brian and JC trying to keep up.

ARAGORN: Originally we were part of a fellowship of many travelers, but our group was splintered. Soon it was down to Legolas, myself, and our companion Gimli, but somehow we were accidentally separated from him in the forest. I know not how we lost him.

BRIAN: Sure, you don't.

LEGOLAS: Do you call us liars?

BRIAN: I know a booty call when I see one.

ARAGORN: Booty? Call?

JC: (glaring at Brian) You know these Hobbits, always with the jokes!

ARAGORN: Yes, well, it is of utmost importance that we reconvene with our friends. Have you by chance come across a dwarf with a large axe?

BRIAN: Hard to say. I've come across many men in my day, and they all have big axes.

JC: (covering his newly pointed ears) I'm not trying to hear this!

LEGOLAS: I…I don't get it.

JC: Yeah, nevermind. So, Aragorn…this fellowship…it's about the Ring, correct?

ARAGORN: (defensively) What do you know of it?

BRIAN: I got a ring for you. I'll make it nice and tight. I'm not into cock 'n ball torture, but it looks really neat, and keeps you hard for hours.

ARAGORN: What?

JC: Brian, for fuck's sake!

~*~

As they approach the edge of the woods, their pace slows a little. Legolas comes alongside JC, who is groaning about a chipped finger nail.

LEGOLAS: JC, you are unlike any elf I've met.

JC: You know it, cat! I mean, uh, um…yes.

Legolas observes the cascade of JC's curls.

LEGOLAS: Your hair is quite remarkable. So curly, while all other elves' is so…not curly.

JC: Thank you! I like it when it's short, too. Man, you should have seen me back in the 90s when I was rocking my Caesar!

BRIAN: Please. By the way, do all you elves look like chicks or what? Are you guys all waxed? Do they have bear elves?

LEGOLAS: (ignoring Brian's bewildering questions) And your garments, JC. So…interesting. (lifting a corner of the cape draped over JC's shoulder) What do you call this color?

JC: Um…fuchsia?

LEGOLAS: Fyoo-sha? I know of no such word in the tongues of elf or man!

BRIAN: That's because it's in the tongue of mo, sister.

ARAGORN: Never have I met a Hobbit with such a fast, wicked tongue as you, Brian Youwannafuck.

JC: You have no idea.

BRIAN: (smiling) Why, JC. You'll make me blush!

ARAGORN: Surely you are not of the Shire. What lands created such a bold speaker as yourself?

BRIAN: Pittsburgh. But don't hold it against me.

Brian slows down to smile appreciatively at Aragorn's body.

ARAGORN: Why do you look at my backside as if it were a Gondorian solstice roast?

BRIAN: Don't worry. When I decide to hit on you, you'll know. I'm still trying to figure out how we got here, and how we can get back home.

JC: Shh! I'm enjoying myself!

BRIAN: Well of course you are. This is probably like one of those preposterous fairy tale stories that your teeny bop fans write about you. You feel right at home! I, on the other hand, have a life to get back to. A job? My loft? My 20 year old twink of a boyfriend—

ARAGORN/LEGOLAS/JC: Boyfriend?!

ARAGORN: You lie with men…as one would with a woman?

LEGOLAS: You speak of such things openly?

JC: You never said you had a boyfriend! You said I was special!

BRIAN: I said your outfit was special! Plaid polka dots, that's special!

JC: Hey, cat, I don't do guys with boyfriends. I'm into monogamy.

BRIAN: I had that once, in high school. Had to take penicillin and stay in bed for a month!

ARAGORN: Stop this! We have not time for such nonsense. We must find our friends and continue on our quest!

LEGOLAS: (excitedly) Yes, Aragorn, son of Arathorn. We must go now! We must try to find our friends! We must…we must—

BRIAN: (pumping arms like an 11 year old flat-chested girl) "We must! We must! We must increase our bust!"

JC: (happily following suit) "The bigger the better, the tighter the sweater, the boys will look at us!"

BRIAN: (disgusted) Calgon, take me away.

ARAGORN: Enough! We are wasting precious time. (quickly mounting his horse) We must find our way back to Gimli and make haste to Minas Tirith.

BRIAN: Hold your horses, baby.

Aragorn looks down curiously at his horse.

BRIAN: If I'm stuck in this nightmare, I might as well make the best of it. Me and Prince Matchabelli here will help you guys on your little…quest…thing.

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, is that wise? Would not it be dangerous for them?

ARAGORN: Perhaps. But I suppose we could use all the help we can find. If we discover you two are spies of Saruman, we'll melethfëargurth you both!

BRIAN: Oh! Sounds hot! I'm in!

JC takes the extra horse and Brian climbs up on Aragorn's horse in front of him.

BRIAN: Man, these Hobbit pants sure are tight. You don't mind if I …take them off, do you?

JC: Brian, behave!

ARAGORN: Your behavior is quite…queer.

BRIAN: And so will yours be…when I get you on all fours—

JC: Brian!

~*~

Later, the 4 are galloping their way across large expansive lands of Middle Earth.

LEGOLAS: Come, we must get to Minas Tirith as soon as possible.

BRIAN: (trying to rub his sore backside) How much further?

ARAGORN: About…200 miles.

JC: (stopping his horse quickly) Ok, I'm done.

BRIAN: Oh, thank God. All this riding has got to stop!

ARAGORN: The little boastful Hobbit can't keep up?

BRIAN: If I had my Corvette we could get to Mini Series in 45 minutes flat!

LEGOLAS: Perhaps you should stay behind, then! You have not the stamina for such activity!

BRIAN: Dude, I run on a treadmill everyday. Between that and my rather active sex life—

Legolas and Aragorn gasp

BRIAN: —my cardio is tip top, baby.

JC: Ugh, these pointy elf sandals are killer. I want my Birkenstocks, cat!

BRIAN: I almost can't believe I nailed you.

JC: Shut up.

JC dismounts and flings his long curls out of his face as he stretches. Legolas and Aragorn watch with interest.

ARAGORN: (staring at JC's lean body) I suppose slowing down at this point would not hurt.

LEGOLAS: (also staring at JC's lean body) Yes. The White City is not going anywhere!

~*~

LEGOLAS: I keep seeing Frodo in my mind. Such a dangerous road for such a small creature.

ARAGORN: At least he has his faithful friend Sam with him.

JC and Brian snicker.

LEGOLAS: What?

JC: "Sam and Frodo sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…"

ARAGORN: You know nothing of what you speak! How could you?

JC: Uh…well…oh! Brian is a Hobbit and he's visited The Shire many times and seen them playing footsie with each other!

BRIAN: Damn straight. Sam is so in love with Frodo, it's disgusting. "I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you!" Made me wanna hurl. I got something you can carry right here!

JC: Tee hee!

LEGOLAS: What is your meaning? Of course Sam loves Frodo. He is his dearest friend, and has sworn to protect him at all costs.

BRIAN: Yeah, if all costs means letting Frodo wear him as a blanket.

ARAGORN: Never have I heard such nonsense from a Hobbit! It is as if some witch has cast a dastardly spell on you.

BRIAN: Only once, in high school, and I was drunk! If I didn't know I hated fish before, I knew it then!

Aragorn and Legolas stare at the smart alecky Hobbit.

BRIAN: Well, you guys know what I'm talking about. I mean, that Liv Tyler chick is cute, but, c'mon…she's a chick!

ARAGORN: Who is this "Liv Tyler?"

JC: Arwen, your elf true love, cat.

Legolas clears his throat.

ARAGORN: Oh, yes. Arwen. My, uh, true love. Yes. Correct.

Legolas coughs. Aragorn checks and rechecks his sword. An unusually awkward silence ensues.

BRIAN: Yep, that Arwen sure is hot. Long legs, girly shape, huge fun bags. You must be hitting that regular, eh, Araporn?

LEGOLAS: Indeed!

Legolas throws down the branches he was carrying and walks off. Aragorn follows with lowered head. JC takes Brian aside.

JC: (under his breath) Brian, what are you doing?

JC and Brian watch Aragorn try to speak to his elf companion. Legolas shrugs him away and crosses his arms defiantly.

JC: Oh, you're so bad.

BRIAN: What else do I have to do but make mischief? Look at these feet. I'll never get laid looking like this!

~*~

The gang of four hasn't moved a mile before they encounter a small band of Orcs. Aragorn slays them with his fist and sword. Legolas with his bow and arrow.

JC tries to shoot arrows, but they go flying and barely miss Brian's head.

For his part, Brian kicks an Orc in the shins, but the evil creature is slain by Legolas' arrow before it can bend down to hurt the small Hobbit.

BRIAN: (taunting the dying Orc) That's what I'm talking 'bout! How you like me now?

JC finally gets the hang of his bow and manages to strike an Orc coming for him by shooting it directly in the crotch.

ORC: (groaning and dying) Aarrgh! You miserable elf motherffppfdth…

JC: Oh my God. I've killed another hu—well, creature…thingy.

BRIAN: You shot it in the balls, you perv!

Aragorn and Legolas finish off the last Orcs and join the other two. JC is visibly shaken.

ARAGORN: What causes your distress? You were not even wounded!

BRIAN: (rubbing JC's trembling leg) It was his first kill, Araporn, son of Aramis.

ARAGORN: (rolling his eyes dismissively at Brian) It was a good kill, JC of the Chavez. Why do you despair?

JC: I don't do violence. It's against my religion, man!

BRIAN: And what religion is that, The Church of Pussy?

Brian briefly considers the mental image, and gags at his own joke.

LEGOLAS: If my memory serves correctly, I, too, held doubts the first time I took a life, in self defense. Do not feel so foolish, JC.

Legolas puts his hand on JC's shoulder soothingly and murmurs something in Elvish to him. JC offers a gorgeous smile and flip of his hair in return. Legolas giggles and Aragorn pouts.

BRIAN: I've Popper-ed my way into a gay fantasy soap opera!

Suddenly more Orcs rush in.

ARAGORN: Stand aside, Hirils! This is man's work!

JC and Brian watch as Aragorn and Legolas make short work of the menacing Orcs. Aragorn smirks at JC as he slays them one after another. JC huffs and puts down his quiver.

JC: Hiril, eh?

In a swift flurry of motion, JC ties his hair back, flings off his elf cloak, does a back flip, and knocks two Orcs down with his kicking feet. He then does a spinning handstand breakdance move, knocking another Orc out cold in the process.

BRIAN: Whoa. Death by choreography. Now I have seen everything.

LEGOLAS: Aglar JC sûlneleg!

JC: Thanks, cat. I think?

ARAGORN: Luck of beginners.

~*~

After the fighting ends, they assess injuries.

LEGOLAS: Are you hurt, Estel?

ARAGORN: Just a minor wound.

LEGOLAS: Let me see.

Aragorn sits on a tree stump and pulls at his clothing, exposing a mild cut on his hip to Legolas' worried eyes. Brian and JC watch as Legolas applies something green to Aragorn's naked side.

JC: What's that you're putting on him?

LEGOLAS: Do you not know it, JC? It's asëa meleth, a medicinal elf weed.

BRIAN: Weed? Now you're talking. Let's blaze up!

JC: (slapping Brian's hand) Get over yourself! We're in a children's book!

BRIAN: Oh yeah? Look at that!

They watch Legolas smooth the salve on Aragorn while the 2 friends gaze at each other tenderly.

BRIAN: Man, I miss Justin right about now.

JC: Me, too—I mean, uh, who's Justin?

BRIAN: My boyfriend.

JC: Oh, what a coinc—I mean, uh, that's interesting (whistles).

LEGOLAS: Here, Estel. You have an injury on your norfeinbein. May I?

Aragorn smiles bashfully as he pushes down his leggings so that Legolas may gingerly rub more elf medicine to a very tiny scrape on the top of his right buttock.

BRIAN: Ah, yeah! Keep going. I'm getting a stiffy just watching!

Blushing, the man and elf rise and quickly gather their belongings.

JC: So, uh, how long have you known each other?

LEGOLAS: Well, I was nearly 4000 years old when I first met Estel.

BRIAN: Wait a minute! Who the fuck is Estel?

ARAGORN: Um…that would be me.

BRIAN: But I thought your name was Araporn!

JC: Brian, I'll explain later.

BRIAN: Hey, I never read those books. I can't be expected to know shit that ain't in the movie, man!

LEGOLAS: Mo-vie? What is this "mo-vie" to which you keep referring?

JC and BRIAN: Well—

SUDDENLY, there is a blast of light in the sky! The four Middle Earthlings watch, astonished, as a spaceship bursts from the sky and crashes to the ground right in front of them.

ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS: Ilúvatar!!

JC: Whoa, cat!

BRIAN: (sighing) Now, what?

The smoking ship rolls to a stop. A hatch blows, and 2 humans emerge. Brian and JC look to their companions, who are too shocked to draw their weapons. The new arrivals—a bearded man in his mid 30s, the other much younger with wavy bronze hair, both of them utterly handsome—approach slowly, wiping dust and debris from their strange vestments.

OLDER MAN: Well, that landing wasn't so bad, was it?

YOUNGER MAN: How you ever finished flight training, I'll never know.

OLDER MAN: There is more to life than sheer speed and reckless behavior, my young friend. Besides, flying is for droids!

YOUNGER MAN: You sound like a broken intergalactic electro stereophonic transcription device!

As the newcomers approach the foursome, a smile of recognition spreads across JC's face.

JC: (to Brian) Dude! Isn't that—

BRIAN: (grabbing JC's leg menacingly to hold him back) Yeah! And I got first dibs on the twink!

OLDER MAN: Ah, excuse us, but we seem to have crash landed on your little planet. Could you tell us where exactly we are?

Aragorn and Legolas stare at the two bewilderedly.

YOUNGER MAN: Perhaps the inhabitants of this uncharted planet are mute, Master.

OLDER MAN: You'd better let me handle this, then. Your diplomatic skills leave much to be desired, Anakin.

JC: I knew it! I knew it! Sweet! This is the best acid trip I've ever had!

At JC's outburst, Aragorn and Legolas are shocked back into reality, and quickly brandish their weapons. Anakin's smile quickly turns into a scowl, and he steps in front of his older companion and quickly pulls a shiny long rod from his belt.

ANAKIN: Come any closer and you'll regret it!

OLDER MAN: Now, now, Anakin. We don't want any trouble.

BRIAN: (ogling both men's hotness) Oh, but we do!

ARAGORN: Who are you? What is this madness?

OLDER MAN: (throwing a stern eye to his younger companion, who reluctantly takes a step back) I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is Anakin Skywalker. We are two Jedi and we, uh, seem to be a bit lost.

ARAGORN: (lowering his sword) Jedi? Is that some sort of witch?

Brian and JC laugh quietly.

LEGOLAS: My elf sense tells me that…they have come from a very far place.

BRIAN: (pointing at the smoke and dust trail in the sky) Well, duh!

JC: (rubbing his temples and squinting in faux concentration) Well, my elf sense…tee hee…tells me that they are friendly…yes, friendly. Totally friendly. Totally not gonna hurt us, cat. Because, um…uh huh.

LEGOLAS: (lowering his bow) Well…

ARAGORN: We must not trust them, Legolas! Have you gone alanooonoth?

LEGOLAS: If JC thinks they are friendly…I have no need to doubt him.

Aragorn angrily sheaths his sword, but leaves his fingers on the handle and mumbles about stupid pink elves.

JC: Hi, I'm JC! (stepping toward Obi-Wan with extended hand) I just loved Moulin Rouge!

BRIAN: As do all women.

OBI-WAN: Moo-lan Roozh? Is that some sort of food? (looking at JC's hand curiously)

ANAKIN: I believe this pointy-eared being wants to greet you by touching your hand, Master.

OBI-WAN: Oh, how quaint!

Obi-Wan lets JC shake his hand, and smiles at JC's overt enthusiasm and startling silver eyes.

JC: This little guy down here is Brian, Ewa—er, Mr. Kenobi.

BRIAN: (giving the Jedi Master the once-over) Nice. Velvet Goldmine, indeed.

OBI-WAN: What?

JC: (pushing Brian's small body aside) This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Legolas, son of Thranduil.

Aragorn nods curtly but keeps his hand on his sheathed sword. Legolas waves and flips his hair, but quickly composes himself after Aragorn gives him a stern look.

ARAGORN: (under his breath) Tyurudol!

OBI-WAN: Well, then. Now that we've got introductions out of the way, perhaps you can help us. My young partner and I were on our way to Hathrox III, and, uh, seemed to have made a, uh, wrong turn.

LEGOLAS: (perplexed and intrigued) You mean to say that you flew, as a bird, in that metallic contraption? From a distant land?

ANAKIN: Of course…and from a distant planet, actually, and…is that your real hair?

LEGOLAS: This is a most unusual day! First, we encounter these 2 very curious fellows—

JC and Brian smile and bat their eyelashes.

LEGOLAS: —and then we discover that they openly practice the Adanmelethgurth!

JC: Well, you know, I wouldn't say openly. I mean, uh, I am still all about the chicks, cat!

BRIAN: Yeah, sure you are, man. Tell that to my narumacil! (surprised at his use of Elvish)Damn, what the hell am I saying?

ANAKIN: Are you saying that you…lie together? All four of you?

BRIAN: Well, I haven't gotten around to everyone here, but (putting arms around Aragorn and Legolas' legs covetously) just give me time, baby.

ANAKIN: You see, Master! I knew it! The Force will not eviscerate us for—

OBI-WAN: (elbowing Anakin in the ribs) Anyway! You wouldn't happen to have an intergalactic star chart handy, would you?

ARAGORN: We have no such wizardry in our possession.

BRIAN: I'd offer you the use of my Palm Pilot, but it wouldn't fit in these little pants. Cause they're so….tight.

Brian poses a little, staring directly at Anakin, who shifts uncomfortably and stares back at the Hobbit.

OBI-WAN: Anakin? Ani?

JC: Uh, er, hey—look at that big ugly dog!

The others turn to see a large, menacing, snarling canine type creature stalking toward them.

LEGOLAS: (quickly pulling out an arrow) A warg!

ARAGORN: A wolf of Saruman!

The warg charges them, and is immediately struck down by the two newcomers' light sabers. The Middle Earthlings stare at the glowing weapons with awe. JC claps. Brian yawns.

OBI-WAN: I will say that you have some interesting beasts here. Its smells worse than a Ton-ton!

ARAGORN: Do my eyes betray me? Your swords glow like moonlight reflected on water!

LEGOLAS: (in awe as the Jedi "turn off" their light sabers) And their swords retract as well!

Showing off, Anakin flips his light saber in the air. It easily slides into its holster at his side. The others gawk appreciatively, but Obi-Wan rolls his eyes.

OBI-WAN: Yes, yes, it is always fun until someone gets an eye taken out!

JC: Dude, can we see inside your spaceship? Please, cat?

OBI-WAN: Well, I don't see why not. Follow me!

JC: Coolbeans! Lance would be so jealous!

BRIAN: (shaking his head at JC's enthusiasm and lack of coolness) Can I un-fuck you?

The Jedi give their new acquaintances a brief tour of their vessel.

ANAKIN: And this is the hyperdrive port. That's pretty much it.

LEGOLAS: Amazing mechanism. Everything is so smooth and polished!

ARAGORN: Even the elves have not such devices!

Legolas' smile falters, and he steps closer to JC.

LEGOLAS: Perhaps we have not this sort of knowledge, but we elves have other skills. Right, JC?

JC grins, crosses his arms at the chest and points his index fingers as if posing for drunken party pictures.

LEGOLAS: (sighing disappointedly) On second thought…

ARAGORN: (pointing out the window) Look! The sun draws to a close. We will now have to wait until sunrise to finish our journey.

OBI-WAN: I suppose we, too, shall have to make camp here tonight, Anakin.

BRIAN: Yeah, looks like we're all gonna have to spend the night…together.

Brian leers at Anakin, who blushes and steps behind his Master to giggle.

OBI-WAN: Don't worry, Anakin. I'm sure we'll be completely safe here tonight. I…hope.

JC: (flipping his long hair and rushing excitedly out of the spaceship) Slumber party, cats!

LEGOLAS: JC has cats? Wonderful!

Legolas happily follows JC down the gangplank. Aragorn follows, head hung low.

OBI-WAN: I think Aragorn does not care for cats.

BRIAN: Nah, he's just jealous because his boytoy found a new playmate. You know how that is, right, Ben?

OBI-WAN: Excuse me?

BRIAN: Oh, c'mon, Bennie-boy. Anyone with eyes can see how close you and hair boy here are.

OBI-WAN: Uh…uh…why do you keep calling me "Ben?"

BRIAN: Oh, right, that wasn't until the first movie…forget that. Look, it's fine, no one's gonna tell the Jedi Council that you're boning your young apprentice here.

ANAKIN: I am no longer an apprentice! I mean, uh, what did you say?

OBI-WAN: Bone?

ANAKIN: Watch what you say, little Hobbit creature. We are Jedi warriors. We do not usually tolerate such...fresh language.

BRIAN: Oh yeah? Lean down here.

Brian whispers something in Anakin's ear. Anakin turns beet red and doubles over giggling.

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this…

~*~

Aragorn, Obi-Wan and JC go out to hunt for dinner.

ARAGORN: Stay close. Orcs patrol these woods.

OBI-WAN: Really? What is an "Orc?"

JC: That!

A small group of Orcs approach with weapons in hand.

OBI-WAN: I take it these are not friendly fellows.

ARAGORN: (drawing his sword) Shall I take these 5 on the right and you those 5 on the left, Jedi?

OBI-WAN: (drawing his light saber) I shall be glad to!

JC: Which ones should I—

Aragorn and Obi-Wan jump to action and quickly dispatch the small band of Orcs while JC watches. When the foul creatures are all dead, Obi-Wan turns off his light saber and smiles at Aragorn.

JC: (mumbling disappointedly) I could have done that, too…

OBI-WAN: You fight well, Aragorn.

ARAGORN: As do you.

Aragorn sheaths his sword and flips his hair out of his eyes. Obi-Wan peers at him curiously.

ARAGORN: What? Do I have Orc blood on my face?

OBI-WAN: No…no. You just, er, you remind me of someone. Qui-Gon Jin, my former master.

ARAGORN: Really?

JC: Darkman? Really?

OBI-WAN: He was very wise, and he taught me all I know. (Sadly) He was a dear friend and mentor. He died protecting the Galactic Republic.

ARAGORN: I am honored to be compared to such a man.

Aragorn puts his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, and the two walk off smiling at each other. JC follows behind.

JC: Hmm…maybe Witness Viggo and Love Actually Liam…

~*~

Back at the site, the other three create a large fire. Legolas keeps looking in the direction of the others with a worried look on his face.

BRIAN: Don't fret, blondie. I'm sure Aragorn will be fine out there. He's got two strong, healthy, attractive and flexible men with him.

LEGOLAS: (blushing) I know not of what you speak. I worry that they may encounter enemies in the woods, that is all. Aragorn can care for himself.

BRIAN: (patronizingly) But you like to take care of him, don't you?

LEGOLAS: (defensively) Well…who will tend to his wounds and help him clean his weapons if I don't? If not me, who would help him on his quest…assist him in battle—

BRIAN: And brush his hair?

LEGOLAS: And brush his ha—

Legolas, red with embarrassment, trudges off to find more firewood.

ANAKIN: Why do you tease the elf? He's only looking out for his friend. What's so wrong with that?

BRIAN: Nothing. I'm sure you don't care at all that Naked Boy—Obi-Wan—is out there right now with Aragorn and JC. Pretty, slim-waisted JC. With the long, curly hair and the amazing blue eyes and the mouth like a vacuum cleaner.

ANAKIN: I have to make a call!

Anakin walks away furiously trying to get a signal on his comlink, mumbling something about stupid pink elves.

BRIAN: Man, they make it too easy.

Aragorn, Obi-Wan and JC return from the hunt. Aragorn throws a carcass down in front of Brian.

ARAGORN: There. We have meat.

BRIAN: (sitting back and spreading his short Hobbit legs wide) Baby, we've had meat all along. What exactly do you expect me to do with that thing?

OBI-WAN: Aragorn said you were a fine cook, little Hobbit. I eagerly await your cuisine.

Brian fumes as he watches Aragorn and Obi-Wan laugh as they walk away. JC sits down next to the carcass and nudges it with his foot.

BRIAN: Ok, I've had enough. I'm not touching that thing! I want out, JC. You better figure out a way to get us back to the real world now or I'll tell these queens the truth!

JC: You can't tell them, Brian! You don't know what could happen. The whole of Middle Earth could crumble, or we could be sucked into a huge void, or we could end up in Kansas in black and white or something!

BRIAN: I don't care! Besides, they aren't real! They're fictional characters, man! Wouldn't you want to know if you only existed in some writer's imagination, if you weren't flesh and blood, but just the work of some hot overpaid actor in a movie or a video game…or a pay cable TV show?

JC peers over at Brian and suddenly sees a flash of disco balls and poppers, but the flash is gone as quickly as it came. JC shakes off the strange feeling, shrugs and walks away humming the tune "Spunk."

BRIAN: Hey! You can't leave me with this thing! My hands are too small! Little help here!

Legolas returns, looks over at Aragorn chatting with Obi-Wan and throws his firewood down like a petulant child.

LEGOLAS: Here. Wood for the fire. I'm going off to secure our perimeter. I guess…

BRIAN: Aw, c'mon Leggy. Don't be like that.

Brian runs a soft hand up Legolas' calf and gives him his best come hither look. Legolas blushes.

BRIAN: If you help me with this, it'll get done that much quicker. And we can go out there securing the perimeters…together.

Legolas looks over at Aragorn, who laughs at something Obi-Wan says.

LEGOLAS: Estel almoneooth parvondoo almoondo.

BRIAN: Ummm…Poofpoof Orlando Bloom suckee suckee?

LEGOLAS: (walking away laughing) You speak nonsense! What a funny little Halfling you are!

BRIAN: Damn!

~*~

After much complaining on the Hobbit's part, the others help to prepare the meat, leaving Brian to find tubers and galemaleweed to cook with it. Their evening meal is ready just as the moon comes out nice and full.

ARAGORN: Isn't it ready yet, Halfling? We're starving!

LEGOLAS: Maybe if you'd been more expedient in your hunt, we would have eaten earlier. Were you perhaps too occupied with our new strange visitors?

Aragorn looks mortified.

ARAGORN: I…I don't know what you mean, friend.

LEGOLAS: It's his beard, isn't it? You always liked beards! You know elves cannot grow beards!

They all look over at Obi-Wan, who strokes his beard and smiles sheepishly.

BRIAN: This is getting funnier every second.

Brian takes bowls of food over to Anakin and Obi-Wan, pulling on their clothes to grab their attention.

OBI-WAN: Oh, hello down there! I might have inadvertently stepped on you!

BRIAN: Try it and you won't walk straight for a week.

OBI-WAN: What a feisty little fellow he is! He reminds me of Master Yoda!

BRIAN: You saying I look like a Muppet? I'll kick your ass.

OBI-WAN: Pardon me!

Obi-Wan walks away with his food, and Brian leers up at the younger Jedi.

BRIAN: Eat up, James Earl Jones.

ANAKIN: Why do you call me that?

Brian holds up a deliciously greasy piece of meat on a stick. Anakin eyes it hungrily.

BRIAN: I bet you like big, fat, juicy meat, don't you?

ANAKIN: Your parents let you speak so impudently to adults?

BRIAN: Parents? Don't let my Hobbit height fool you. I'm a full grown man.

Brian bites off the tip and chews sexily. Wide eyed, the other 5 men rush to the fire to get meat of their own.

BRIAN: It's such a burden, being this hot.

~*~

Bellies fuller, the 6 find conversation easier.

OBI-WAN: This planet did not register on the Galactic Republic's charts. What is it called?

BRIAN: (to JC) What was that guy's name? Token? J. R. R. R. R. Token?

JC: Shut up! They don't know that they're fictional characters!

ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS: What?!

JC: Nothing, nothing. Anyway, um…so…how long have you been Jedi together?

OBI-WAN: As a matter of fact, I've known Anakin here since he was still a child.

BRIAN: Really? That's illegal where I come from.

OBI-WAN: Excuse me?

JC: (ignoring Brian) So, you've been like a role model for young Skywalker here.

ANAKIN: (laughing) Oh, right! I've taught him everything he knows.

ARAGORN: Then it was you who taught him to operate that metallic contraption so poorly that you crashed here, destroying crops and trees in your path?

Anakin frowns and slowly raises his black gloved hand in a choking motion. Obi-Wan slaps his hand back down, and Anakin grumbles under his breath.

OBI-WAN: Be good, Anakin! Um, yes, he was quite young when he became my padawan. It seems so long ago…before he got so tall…before he became so powerful with The Force…before he grew so strong and handso—er…handy. Before he had hair on his—

ANAKIN: Master!

OBI-WAN: —chin!

LEGOLAS: I seem to remember you, Estel, before you had…er…um…so much hair.

ARAGORN: (jumping up nervously) I'm going to check our perimeter for Orcs!

Legolas blushes, waits a beat, and then rushes to follow Aragorn.

OBI-WAN: That was quite odd. Are all the inhabitants of this planet so, well…

ANAKIN: Hot?

OBI-WAN: Yes—I mean, no!

BRIAN: So many closet cases, so little time…

~*~

ANAKIN: So. What's an elf?

OBI-WAN: Is it not rude to ask a being to explain its own existence?

ANAKIN: I'm sorry, Master.

OBI-WAN: No, I'm asking, is it rude? I don't know.

ARAGORN: The elves are superior beings, who existed thousands of eons before man.

LEGOLAS: You forgot that we elfkind possess superior senses, strength, agility, intelligence, and beauty.

BRIAN: Don't forget humility.

JC: Can elves—I mean, can we fly? Can we shoot lightening out of our fingertips and shit?

JC's companions chuckle.

JC: (Pouting) I was just wondering.

LEGOLAS: Worry not, my elf brother. (sliding arm around JC's shoulders affectionately) You have qualities that far exceed pompous wizardry.

ARAGORN: (turning red) And what might those be, pray?

LEGOLAS: Why, Aragorn. (cocking head in a very 21st century, Earthlike motion) Jealous much?

Aragorn, steaming, clutches the elf re-forged Narsil and stomps away. Legolas, finally hearing the words that came from his mouth, steps back from JC and shakes his head.

LEGOLAS: What…what have I done? What words have I bespoken? Am I under some spell? (rushing after Aragorn guiltily) Estel! Forgive me! Estel!

Brian makes a whip-cracking-cat-meowing sound and gesture in the direction of the retreating Middle Earthlings.

OBI-WAN: Do you mean to suggest that the elf is being kept as hostage? Does Aragorn beat him?

ANAKIN: (excitedly) Yeah, does he?

JC: No, Brian is just kidding. They are just very close friends. You know, like you two are. No beatings. No whips or chains. Like you two.

OBI-WAN: Hey, look at that over there! Is that a tree?

ANAKIN: Wow, a tree! Let's check it out.

JC watches the two quickly walk over to examine a tree and mumble to one another, looking nervously behind them.

JC: Brian, man, my childhood Star Wars fantasies are being perverted into something disturbing with every passing second.

BRIAN: Really? This is actually pretty close to my childhood Star Wars fantasies. Except in them I wasn't a munchkin. And Luke Skywalker was my bitch.

JC: Oh, dear.

~*~

The 6 companions settle down for the night around the dwindling fire.

ANAKIN: I shall try to contact the Jedi Temple once more, Master.

Anakin takes out small shiny disc. Light and noise emit from it, but no image. Aragorn and Legolas gasp.

ARAGORN: What wizardry!

ANAKIN: (closing the contraption with frustration) This stupid comlink is useless in the Outer Rim, Master! We can't contact anyone from this remote planet!

OBI-WAN: I told you to upgrade to the GxERII!

ANAKIN: I did, but I left it at home with Pad—I left it behind, Master.

Obi-Wan pats Anakin's knee reassuringly.

OBI-WAN: Don't despair. We're perfectly safe here tonight.

He looks around to see Brian, JC, Aragorn and Legolas staring at them intently.

OBI-WAN: Aren't we?

BRIAN: Fer sure, man. So, let me ask you, Ben. You and Darth—I mean, Anakin. You're, uh, you know…

Brian pushes his index finger through an "O" in other hand

OBI-WAN: What? Of course not! A Jedi is forbidden to have…attachments.

BRIAN: Oh. You mean—

OBI-WAN: Yes.

BRIAN: Attachments. Like, sex toys. Dildos.

JC: Brian!

BRIAN: Well, in any case, you better watch your back with that one, Ewan, old man.

OBI-WAN: What? Why would I not trust my own former padawan? And why did you call me "Ewan"?

BRIAN: Just watch your ass. Unless…you'd like me to watch it for you.

OBI-WAN: Excuse me?

ANAKIN: Master! This must be some test from the Jedi Council.

OBI-WAN: Ah, perhaps, my young friend.

BRIAN: Damn. Don't you feel all dirty when you call him that?

~*~

The temperature drops considerably in a short time, so the Jedi retrieve a tent-like shelter from the ship. The 6 crowd together under the shelter, laying in a circle, heads in the middle, awaiting sleep.

ARAGORN: I fear if we are attacked by Orcs, this position may put us at a disadvantage.

LEGOLAS: I sense the same, Estel.

OBI-WAN: Hm. What do you suggest?

JC AND BRIAN: (in unison) Spoon!

ANAKIN: Spoons?

BRIAN: I call the middle. I'm tiny and need protection!

ARAGORN: I shall make my bed here at the entrance to this shelter.

LEGOLAS AND OBI-WAN: Me, too!

ANAKIN: M-master?

OBI-WAN: Oh, uh…nevermind. Anakin and I shall, uh, place ourselves over here. In this corner. Yes.

ANAKIN: Don't do me any favors. I'll just sleep here, next to the small crazy Moppet.

BRIAN: That's Hobbit, doofus!

JC: I guess no one wants to share this corner with me. Ah, well.

JC removes his outer garments, stretches, and rubs his hands up and down his bare, tightly muscled chest. The others stop arguing and watch, mouths open. JC lays down, his back to the others, and wiggles around until he gets comfortable.

JC: Mmmm. 'Night, guys. I'm soooo tiirreeeeddzzzzzzzzph.

LEGOLAS: Uh…I'll just, uh, go check our perimeter again!

ARAGORN: I'll check the, uh, other perimeter.

LEGOLAS: Fine!

The 2 Middle Earthlings rush out of the shelter and disappear into the night.

ANAKIN: Master, I, um…forgot that thing on the ship…you know? That thing?

OBI-WAN: What? Oh! Yes, that thing! Yes, we mustn't go to sleep without it. Shall we go to the ship and retrieve it?

ANAKIN: Fine!

Brian watches the 2 visitors from a galaxy far, far away rush out of the shelter and disappear into the night, whispering to each other about The Force and petroleum jelly.

BRIAN: I have to sleep by myself? I really am in Hell.

~*~

In the middle of the night, someone cries out.

ANAKIN: No…no…don't…stop!

OBI-WAN: Anakin, wake up. You're having a nightmare.

Aragorn lights a torch as the others groggily come awake and peer over at Anakin, who is thrashing back and forth and sweating in his sleep.

LEGOLAS: Something disturbs young Anakin in his dreams. Something…disturbing.

BRIAN: Wow, you figured that out with your elf sense? I'm impressed.

ARAGORN: Shut up, small fry!

Legolas smiles proudly at Aragorn's defense of him; Aragorn ducks his head bashfully.

OBI-WAN: He sometimes has prophetic dreams. It can be quite upsetting for him.

Obi-Wan places his hand on Anakin's partially exposed chest . Anakin settles, just a little, as Obi-Wan whispers to him.

BRIAN: All right! If this had been on the DVD, I would have bought it for sure!

LEGOLAS: What is a dee-vee-dee?

OBI-WAN: Anakin, what are you seeing? Can you tell us?

Anakin moans and grabs at Obi-Wan in his sleep.

ANAKIN: Master…Padme…Emperor…burnt alive!

OBI-WAN: Oh, dear.

JC: Yeah, uh, you two might want to stay away from volcanic planets in the future, dudes.

ARAGORN: Can we return to our rest? We must strike out at first light.

LEGOLAS: Yes. Aragorn can be quite cranky in the morning if he doesn't get enough sleep!

ARAGORN: Exac—hey!

ANAKIN: No…don't die…breathe…no!

Anakin sits up suddenly, covered in sweat, breathing heavily. Obi-Wan wraps a concerned, brotherly arm around Anakin's shaking shoulders.

ANAKIN: Oh, Master…it was awful. I saw Padme, and she was dying in childbirth!

OBI-WAN: It was merely a nightmare, Anakin. Don't give it another thought.

ARAGORN: I often think about my Melhiril. She speaks to me in my dreams. Sometimes it is so real that I can actually taste her kiss on my lips when I wake.

Legolas rolls his eyes.

ANAKIN: But it seemed so real, Master. And she was so large with child. How could one baby make its mother so large?

JC: Well, uh…

LEGOLAS: Is this Padme your mate?
OBI-WAN: Oh, no, no. We Jedi do not, uh, "mate." We are married to The Force.

BRIAN: Does The Force mind you getting a little strange on the side?

ARAGORN: So, it could not have been a premonition. Even if this Padme were with child, it could not possibly be yours, since you do not mate with her.

Anakin shrinks down, eyes going side to side guiltily.

ANAKIN: Riiiiight.

OBI-WAN: Search your feelings, Anakin. I think it was just a nightmare, and nothing more. You are stressed because we are lost on this strange planet, and your anxiety has manifested itself into a senseless dream. Master Windu had a lecture about this subject just last month, remember? What did he say to do when you have nightmares?

ANAKIN: He said, "Beat your meat and get more sleep, muthafuckas."

OBI-WAN: Exactly.

LEGOLAS: Wonderful advice, indeed!

ARAGORN: Gandalf says that's the first rule of the wizards!

BRIAN: You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys about that. Like, when Magneto was fighting that big fire Sasquatch, like, what was that about? I mean, if I was in my house, asleep, peaceful, thumb in my mouth, twink on my jock, and a bunch of smelly yahoos invaded my crib and woke me up and shit, I'd for damn sure want to fuck them up, too! You know?

Legolas and Aragorn stare at the Hobbit, awestruck.

BRIAN: And why the hell didn't Magneto run away when he did that whole "You shall not pass" line? I mean, how OTT was that? If he hadn't been so smug, standing there to look down at that big Ballnut—

JC: Balrog

BRIAN: —Balrog as it fell down into the big hole or whatever, he wouldn't have gotten caught in that thing's whip? And what kind of ancient demon carries a whip? Who does he think he is, Indiana Jones? S&M demon?

OBI-WAN: Who is Magneto?

ANAKIN: What's a Balrog?

ARAGORN: How is it that you know such specific details of our journey? You *are* spies of Saruman!

LEGOLAS: I trusted you, JC! Where's my bow? I'll show you who's elf around here!

As Aragorn and Legolas scramble around in the shelter for their weapons, JC realizes that their secret is close to being found out. He looks at the Jedi with pleading eyes.

JC: Hey, uh, can you two do that, uh, you know…Jedi mind trick thing on them?

OBI-WAN: What? There's no such thing as a—

ARAGORN: Where's my sword? It was right here a minute ago! Who took it?

LEGOLAS: Once they're all gone, it'll just be the two of us again!

ARAGORN: Yes, and Gimli as well!

LEGOLAS: Ye—oh. Yeah. Right. And Gimli. Rats.

BRIAN: Just do it, Jedi, or we'll send Yoda video of you 2 spooning in your sleep!

OBI-WAN: Ah, er, very well.

Obi-Wan stands and gets the attention of the fuming Middle Earthlings. He waves his hand in front of Aragorn and Legolas, who stop cold and stare at his hand.

OBI-WAN: JC and Brian are not spies of…er?

JC: Saruman!

OBI-WAN: —Saruman, and are not going to hurt you.

ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS: (blankly) JC and Brian are not spies of…er…Saruman, and are not going to hurt us.

OBI-WAN: You are very tired and will sleep peacefully until morning.

ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS: We are very tired and will sleep peacefully until morning.

BRIAN: You'd quite enjoy a Hobbit tea bag right about now.

OBI-WAN: You'd quite—excuse me?

BRIAN: I had to try, man.

OBI-WAN: By the way, how did you 2 know about the, uh, thing?

BRIAN: Are you kidding? Star Wars was the first movie I ever got to see without my folks being around. And good thing, 'cause when Han Solo came on screen, I was poppin' bone right then and there.

LEGOLAS: (yawning and laying down) None of what the Hobbit just said made any sense to me!

ARAGORN: You must be tired, Legolas. Here, rest your beautiful long elf hair on my chest and sleep.

LEGOLAS: Olthlolissi, Estel.

ARAGORN: Mmmm.

Brian looks from where the Middle Earthlings are falling fast asleep in a clinch to where the 2 Jedi are falling fast asleep, also in a clinch.

BRIAN: JC, man, this is every sci-fi comic-con fan and corporate merchandising suit's wet dream! There's gotta be a way we can cash in on this, right?

JC: Oh yeahzzzzzzz.

BRIAN: I can't wait to see the action figures based on this scene!

~*~

JC opens his eyes the next morning just as the sun comes up. He sits up and finds that he's nicely sandwiched between Legolas behind him and Obi-Wan in front of him.

JC: This is the second hottest sex fantasy I've ever had!

Brian yawns and emerges from the small gap between Anakin and Aragorn.

BRIAN: And what was the first? You, Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garret?

JC: No, but…hm…now that you mention it…

OBI-WAN: (standing and yawning) Well, isn't this a lovely morning!

ANAKIN: Speak for yourself. The little Gobbit slept fitfully, and his stumpy arms and legs kept accidentally sliding all over me!

BRIAN: A, that's Hobbit, and B…who said that was accidental?

ARAGORN: Yes, well, now that we are all up, we should make haste to Gondor.

JC: Dude, I'm hungry. Anyone have a Powerbar?

LEGOLAS: I do not possess a "bar of power", but there is plenty of lembas!

BRIAN: Fabulous.

ARAGORN: Well, we could always kill another beast for you to cook, Halfling!

BRIAN: Why, Araporn. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were flirting with me!

Aragorn turns red and quickly exits the small shelter.

LEGOLAS: Now look what you've done! He'll be off his breakfast!

Legolas rushes after Aragorn. Obi-Wan and Anakin shift weight. Shrugging, JC heads out.

JC: There's bound to be some tasty berries or nuts or mushrooms growing around here.

BRIAN: Oh, magic mushrooms? Wicked!

Brian follows JC, and Anakin turns to Obi-Wan.

ANAKIN: Master, now that it's light, shouldn't we be trying to get off this planet? It's so primitive. No space ships, no advanced weaponry, no shops. Where am I supposed to purchase product for my hair?

OBI-WAN: Now, now, Anakin. Calm down.

ANAKIN: Did you see their hair? It's all…stringy!

OBI-WAN: Yes, I know. I've tried the comlink, but it's still no use, we are simply too far out to get a signal. I'm afraid we'll have to stay here until we can better ascertain our location. We don't want to take off to some unknown section of the universe without charts. We could float along, alone, for…well, weeks or months. Just you and me in that tight, cramped ship. With nothing but our own bodies to keep us warm.

Anakin licks his lips. Obi-Wan clears his throat and pulls on his collar.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear. Did it suddenly get warmer in here?

ANAKIN: Oh, Master!

Anakin starts to lunge toward his Jedi master, but stops when Legolas pokes his head into the shelter.

LEGOLAS: (cheerily) Who wants their lembas toasted?

~*~

After filling their bellies, the sextet breaks down their camp and puts out their fire.

BRIAN: (brushing lembas crumbs off his Hobbit clothes) Well, that was…bland.

LEGOLAS: You complain that you do not like the elven bread, and yet you ate enough for 4 men—full size men!

BRIAN: I can't help it!

ARAGORN: Yes, the Hobbits are well known for their insatiable appetites.

Brian saunters over and runs his hand up and down Aragorn's calf.

BRIAN: What? You thought I'd just let that one go? C'mon, Araporn. Ride the wave!

LEGOLAS: Stop calling him that! His name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn!

JC: Don't forget Estel, cat.

LEGOLAS: And Estel. And sometimes I call him Wingfoot. Or Thorongil. Or…um…foxy.

BRIAN: I fear my lembas bread is going to repeat on me.

OBI-WAN: So, where exactly are you fellows heading this morning? Anakin and I need to scout a better location from whence we can send or receive a useful signal. Would you happen to know in which direction that might be?

JC holds his hand out, and Anakin reluctantly gives him his comlink. JC holds it up and points it in several directions.

JC: Uh, which way is Gondor, cat?

Legolas points to the West; Aragorn to the East.

ARAGORN: You forget, old friend. Gondor is to the West of us. I know my homeland like the back of my hand.

LEGOLAS: Of course you know it, old friend. 'Cause you've been there so much over the last 80 years.

BRIAN: Meow!

OBI-WAN: Oh, dear.

JC: Hey, chill out. Why don't we all just head in the same direction? I have a feeling you'll be able to get at least 2 bars in Gondor.

OBI-WAN: We do not have time to stop in a bar! It is too early for inebriation.

JC: No, I…um, you know what, nevermind. Let's just go, cats.

ANAKIN: Where are these cats you keep referring to?

OBI-WAN: Well, I suppose we might as well go. How long will it take to get to this Gondor?

ARAGORN: On foot it would have taken us nearly 3 days. Now that we have horses…2.

ANAKIN: 2 whole days? Why don't we just take the ship? We can be in Hondor in 10 minutes!

ARAGORN: That's Gondor!

ANAKIN: Whatever.

~*~

With Aragorn, Legolas, Brian and JC sitting in seats and Obi-Wan in the co-pilot seat, Anakin revs up their starship.

ARAGORN: (grabbing the seat, shocked at the shaking of the vessel) What is this madness?

LEGOLAS: Surely the earth shakes beneath our very feet!

BRIAN: Maybe you'd feel better if you sat in my lap during takeoff, hotness!

JC: Weeeee!

The spacecraft dispels dust and debris as it lifts easily into the air. The Middle Earthlings stare with gaping mouths out the window at the ground hundreds of feet below them.

LEGOLAS: My stomach feels all aflutter.

ARAGORN: (grabbing the elf's hand and squeezing it tight) Throntal, Adelherves.

Legolas nods his head quickly, breathing in time with Aragorn, which calms both their nerves.

LEGOLAS: Melethle, Edhelmelether.

ARAGORN: You are welcome, Eialhoolm.

BRIAN: How do you say, "I think I'm gonna hurl" in Elftalk?

ANAKIN: So, we head west?

OBI-WAN: Yes, but don't go too fa—

Anakin slams on the power, and they ship blasts forward at incredible speed. JC and Brian hoop and holler, Anakin smiles self-satisfiedly, Obi-Wan shakes his head disappointedly, and Aragorn and Legolas hold each other for comfort.

JC: Yeah, boyyyyeeeee!

OBI-WAN: Must you always show off, Anakin?

ANAKIN: Yes!

ARAGORN: I fear this flying boat will be the end of me!

LEGOLAS: Not as long as I exist, for whence you go, there I too must…er…go. Too.

BRIAN: Drama queens.

~*~

After less than a minute of fast-showoffy flying, Anakin spots something coming at them against the horizon.

ANAKIN: Master, look! It's a Weequoit pirate ship!

OBI-WAN: Oh, dear. Most undignified beasts.

JC: Which episode are those from? Or are they in those books, 'cause I never read those books or anything.

The Jedi give JC a curious look.

ANAKIN: Uh, whatever. Should I engage them, Master?

OBI-WAN: Well, perhaps we should—

Suddenly the pirates shoot a rays at them, blasting a light off the very end of the Jedi's ship. Legolas squeals like a little girl.

ANAKIN: Nerf herders!

Anakin cracks his neck and then goes into defensive flying. The ship twirls and somersaults, Anakin laughing and Obi-Wan holding on to his seat and shaking his head dismissively.

OBI-WAN: Do be careful, Anakin.

BRIAN: Yeah, we wouldn't want you to hurt that hot face of yours. Well, at least, not until Episode III.

ANAKIN: Freaking Weequoits. They killed my mother!

OBI-WAN AND JC: No, they didn't!

ANAKIN: Well, close enough! Take that!

Anakin blasts the pirate ship into a hundred fiery pieces. Aragorn squeals like a little girl.

OBI-WAN: Yes, yes, very good. I think you'd better set the ship down, Anakin.

Anakin lands the ship in a field not too far away from the wreckage. The gangplank lowers and Anakin rushes out, followed by Obi-Wan urging him to slow down, followed by JC, Brian, and then Aragorn and Legolas, who wobble down the gangplank, holding on to railings as they regain their land legs.

JC: Well, I'll say it. That was freaking cool!

ANAKIN: Yeah, it was kind of "cool", wasn't it, Master?

OBI-WAN: I do not think our new friends think it was…er…cool.

The others turn to Anakin and Legolas, who turn green and both double over and puke at the same time.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

Anakin rushes over to the wreckage of the pirate ship and returns with something in his hand.

ANAKIN: Look, Master, a CRJ-45! The newest model! We should be able to contact R2 and get out of here with this.

OBI-WAN: Yes, very well. I do think the sooner we leave this strange planet the better.

ANAKIN: (into comlink) R2, do you read me? Come in, R2.

BRIAN: Hey, while you're at it, see if you can get through to Pittsburg! I need my secretary to cancel all my meetings.

Shrugging with confusion, the Jedi play with the settings on the advanced comlink. Suddenly a flurry of staticky noises emerge from it, followed by several distinct beeps and whistles.

ANAKIN: R2, can you detect our location? We're lost on some uncharted planet. We need you to send us our coordinates!

BRIAN: And send us some food, man! I'm starving!

JC: Oh, I'd kill for a latte!

More noises and whistles come from the comlink, then static, then a very familiar English-accented voice comes on.

C-3PO: What are you doing, R2? Is that the masters? How do you work this thing? Hello? Hello?

ANAKIN: 3PO? Look, find a navi-computer to—

C-3PO: Hello? I don't hear anything, R2! They're probably being eaten by a large monster right now! I can just hear their terrifying screams! Oh, if only there was some way to save them!

ANAKIN: There is, you over-polished idiot! Listen to me, I command you! 3PO!

C-3PO: (through ever increasing static) R2, we must…face…they are…gone…forever…console me…get…axel grease…I am in need of…oh, yes…R2…R2…why, R2, that is not my communications port!

The line goes dead.

ANAKIN: 3PO! 3PO! Ugh, damned droid!

OBI-WAN: Anakin, manners!

ANAKIN: I'm gonna…gonna…sit him out in the rain until he rusts! I'll nail his head to a wall!

LEGOLAS: Heavens! How violent! How could you do such things to your friend?

ANAKIN: He's not my friend, he's my protocol droid!

ARAGORN: Droid? Is that some sort of wizard?

JC: Uh, no. Droids are…uh…droids. Robots. Mechanical. Artificial intelligence?

Aragorn and Legolas shrug.

BRIAN: You mean, like those?

A half dozen or so shiny bipedal battle droids jump out of the wreckage and pull blasters on the group.

Droid #1: Drop your weapons!

The sextet look around with raised eyebrows, as no one has a weapon at the ready. Aragorn and Legolas, finally recovered from their frightening first flight, stand up and approach the robots, staring at them with more fascination than fear.

ARAGORN: What further madness are we to encounter today? How is this possible?

LEGOLAS: These creatures' exteriors shine like the steel of the blade!

OBI-WAN: Er, take care! I would not want anything bad to happen to my new friend, Aragorn!

Anakin, now red with anger, pulls out his light saber and holds it up, waiting for the droids to attack the closest thing to them.

Droid #2: Blast them all!

Suddenly an all out mini battle ensues. Obi-Wan flips high in the air and lands in front of Aragorn, then starts destroying the droids with his light saber.

ARAGORN: The Jedi protected me!

ANAKIN AND LEGOLAS: Damn!

Anakin, Legolas, Aragorn and Obi-Wan continue destroying the battle droids while Brian sifts through the wreckage and JC stands off to the side, fingercombing his long hair. Several minutes later, all the droids are destroyed. The warriors regroup as they catch their breaths.

OBI-WAN: Are you alright, Aragorn? Were you injured?

ANAKIN: Why are you asking him? Don't you care if I was injured?

OBI-WAN: Of course, but…if you'd been injured I'd know. I'd…feel it.

The Jedi both blush furiously.

LEGOLAS: Yes, if you were hurt, Estel, I would feel it, too.

Aragorn, clearly embarrassed, walks away from Legolas to inspect the pile of metal.

ARAGORN: These creatures have no flesh! I tore through them with my sword, and yet there is no blood! How is this possible?

LEGOLAS: Estel, did you hear me? I said I'd feel if you were hurt! Hello?

ARAGORN: And you say these creatures are not alive at all, but are…mechanical? A living being created these metallic beasts?

OBI-WAN: Or they were created by other droids.

ARAGORN: Amazing!

LEGOLAS: Would you like to know what I think is amazing? I think it is amazing that two friends can be together, fighting tyranny, injustice, evil, and bad hair, and then some…person…comes along and suddenly one of those two friends is more interested in…shiny…light…wands than in his dear, devoted, immortal companion! I think that is quite amazing!

Everyone freezes. Only the Middle Earth insects make sound.

LEGOLAS: I will take my leave of you all. I…I must remove a knot from my braids.

Legolas, nose high in the air, walks away tugging helplessly at one of his long blonde braids. Sighing and embarrassed, Aragorn slumps after him, head down, mumbling about stupid blonde elves.

BRIAN: I'd love to make a joke here, but…I mean, who can top that?

OBI-WAN: Have I offended the elf? Is there a secret handshake I forgot to use?

ANAKIN: I believe it was your fawning all over his "companion" that caused him such grief, Master. You sure took to this Aragorn quickly! You…you like him, don't you?

OBI-WAN: What? What are you…you can't…I know not what you're—

ANAKIN: Fine! Fine! Maybe I'll just go off and discuss The Force with Legolas, shall I? Shall I do that, Master? Maybe he's in need of a new partner? Who knows, maybe these elves are bursting with midichlorians! Maybe I can make him my padawan!

Anakin stomps away petulantly. Obi-Wan watches, shaking his head.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

BRIAN: You guys are killing me with this melodrama. What are we, in a TV show on Showtime?

A fleeting thought enters JC's head, but he shakes it away, with his long hair.

JC: Uh, you know what, dudes? I saw a little pond over there when were flying. I think I'm gonna go take a dip. I feel dirty, yo!

BRIAN: Finally, some skin! I'm not used to going so long without getting laid, man.

JC: It's been less than 24 hours, Brian!

BRIAN: I know! I feel like a virgin all over again.

JC: Melethroth!

BRIAN: And proud of it, sister!

~*~

Aragorn and Legolas return to find JC and Brian swimming lazily in the pond JC had found.

ARAGORN: Come, Legolas. I'll help you wash your hair.

LEGOLAS: Very well.

Legolas, smiling smugly, removes his clothes to reveal his naked elf form. He descends slowly into the water, pretending to ignore JC's and Brian's jaw dropping stares. Aragorn follows behind, rolling his eyes.

ARAGORN: Yes, yes, go on and stare. He's an elf; all elves are proportioned thusly!

BRIAN: Whoa. He definitively doesn't look like a chick now!

JC: Wait, you say all elves…

JC peels off the elven undergarment he'd kept on and stares at himself down into the water. Aragorn and Brian look over, too.

BRIAN: Yummy.

ARAGORN: Yes, that's about right.

JC: Hm. Looks about the same to me. 'Cept now I'm uncut.

LEGOLAS: Uncut? What do you mean?

BRIAN: Well, in Upper Earth, it's customary for many male children after they're born to have their—

JC: Shut up!

Obi-Wan and Anakin join them.

ANAKIN: Oh, a bath is just what I need. I feel all oogy after that little skirmish. Master, did you remember to pack my FizzyForce body wash?

OBI-WAN: Uh, no.

ANAKIN: Ah, well. I guess I'll just have to do it the old fashioned way.

Anakin points to the remains of a recently burnt hardwood fire. He cups his hand upwards, and suddenly a glob of ash rises from the ground. Then he looks to the trees on the other side of the pond and nods his head. Several olive-like vegetables shake off the tree and travel as if on an invisible conveyor belt toward Anakin's other outstretched hand, where they disintegrate on their own, leaving behind their naturally oily centers.

ANAKIN: Are we ready to be impressed?

OBI-WAN: Anakin, must you always show off for strang—

With the ash in one hand and the oil in the other, Anakin smashes his hands together, creating a loud CLAP. The others shrink back, and then look on in amazement as Anakin opens his hands to reveal 2 bars of castile soap.

JC: Cat! You rock!

ANAKIN: Yes, I think I do!

BRIAN: Gimme that!

Brian jumps up and grabs 1 of the bars, sniffs it, and, content that it is indeed real soap, starts to rub it all over his wet face and chest.

ANAKIN: Well, I guess I can make one for everybody…since some people don't know how to ask!

LEGOLAS: You only need create 1 for us—Aragorn and I can share!

ARAGORN: (grimacing) Uh…I'd, uh, rather not, Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Oh, really?

Legolas takes the second bar of soap and walks toward Aragorn as he runs it slowly over his elf skin. Aragorn wipes his mouth.

LEGOLAS: Tell me, Aragorn. Will you not…wash my back?

Legolas places the soap in Aragorn's open hand, then turns around and arches his back, leaning into the ranger's body, flipping the damp end of his long hair along Aragorn's chest. He looks over his shoulder at Aragorn's hungry face.

LEGOLAS: Please, Estel? I feel so…dirty!

Aragorn bites his own fist. Legolas smiles triumphantly.

ARAGORN: Well…if you insist…

OBI-WAN: Ah, well, if everyone is going to bathe, I shant be the only one to miss out!

Obi-Wan loosens his garments and stands on the shore of the small pond, stretching and breathing deeply. Then he drops his clothes and stands before them all, naked and Jedi-proud.

OBI-WAN: Ah, the sun certainly feels good on the bare skin. Do you not all agree? Gentlemen? Hello?

JC, Brian, Aragorn, and Legolas stare, mouths agape, at the elder Jedi. Anakin covers his eyes.

OBI-WAN: What? Do I have something unusual on me?

ARAGORN: You, uh, you could say that.

JC: This must be a record!

BRIAN: I know, right? Do you drop trou in every movie, McGregor? Was there an NC-17 rated version of Down With Love I never saw?

OBI-WAN: I do not understand your meaning. But then, you are very strange beings, and we are in a most unusual situation. Like I always say, when in N'zoth III, do as the Yevetha do!

Obi-Wan walks happily down into the shallow water, standing in front of his companions in water that just comes up to his mid-thigh. Anakin breaks out into a sweat.

ANAKIN: M-master…oh, Master.

OBI-WAN: What?

BRIAN: Hey, Araporn, looks like this Jedi-witch has an extra weapon all of his own!

ARAGORN: He does, indeed.

LEGOLAS: Tugfin!

OBI-WAN: I say, this planet is quite odd. We've only just eaten a short time ago, and yet you fellows all appear to be drooling! Could you all be so hungry so soon?

Obi-Wan takes a freshly made bar of soap from Anakin and rubs it slowly over his chest and lower belly. The others leer unabashedly. Then Obi-Wan drops the soap in the water, turns around, bends at the waist to pick it up.

OBI-WAN: (bent over, looking out from between his legs) What? Why are you all staring at me?

ANAKIN: I…oh.

Nibbling on the fingers of his mechanical hand, Anakin sinks down to fully submerge himself in the water. A few bubbles rise to the surface.

OBI-WAN: Oh, dear.

~*~

After bathing, the 6 lie out in soft grass to air dry. All of them are semi-dressed in their undergarments, except Obi-Wan, who is still naked and splayed out on his back, arms and legs spread wide. Anakin keeps his mechanical hand over his eyes.

OBI-WAN: Ah, I could get used to this. Perhaps we should get lost in the Outer Rim more often, Anakin!

JC: (giggling) Outer rim!

BRIAN: (nudging Anakin) Yo, Darth.

ANAKIN: Why do you keep calling me that?

BRIAN: Lemme ask you. How come that fake hand of yours doesn't rust? Is it made out of some sci-fi metal, or is it, like, protected by some force field, anti-rust shield or what?

ANAKIN: I, uh, didn't ask when they put it on me.

OBI-WAN: I can sense that it's still difficult for Anakin to talk about.

LEGOLAS: How did you come to have such an appendage?

ANAKIN: Well, a few years ago, I had to rush to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan from certain death for the fifty-leventh time—

OBI-WAN: Oh now really!

JC: Hey, I remember that scene! It took me forever to get the sand out of my hair after filming that, yo!

BRIAN: What are you talking about?

JC: Dude, I was in Episdoe II! Me, Joey and Lance were extras, cat!

BRIAN: Bullshit. Where the hell were you?

JC: Well, the hater fanboys went nuts when they heard about it and George Lucas cut our scene. I'm still kind of pissed about it. It was hard breathing thru all that makeup!

OBI-WAN: What The Force are you talking about? Who's this George Lucas?

ANAKIN: Is he a Sith Lord?

JC AND BRIAN: Yes.

ARAGORN: Enough! We've had sufficient rest. We must dress and return to the quest at hand.

LEGOLAS: (whining) But my hair isn't dry yet, Estel!

ARAGORN: Aeerlembeandooean, Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Very well.

OBI-WAN: I am confused, Aragorn. You are not an elf yourself, and yet you speak the same language, and seem to know the customs of your friend Legolas, here. How is that so?

Aragorn sits up and regards his new, non-Middle Earthling friend with a smile.

ARAGORN: I was brought up with the elves. I lived among them for many years. It's a long story.

OBI-WAN: Perhaps if we have time, you will tell it to me.

ARAGORN: Perhaps.

Legolas angrily stands up and "accidently" kicks Aragorn in the back with the movement.

ARAGORN: Ow!

LEGOLAS: Oh. How clumsy of me. I guess I possess not the natural grace of a Jemi witch!

OBI-WAN: That's Jedi!

LEGOLAS: Whatever.

ANAKIN: So, Aragorn, it's almost like you're caught between two worlds: man and elf. I know about that. To feel torn, pulled in two directions… between good and evil, darkness and light—

OBI-WAN: Uh. Maybe it's time we had another session with Master Yoda, my young friend.

JC: Yeah. You're not gonna…you know…go all evil right now are you? I mean, there's no lava here or anything.

ANAKIN: What? No, I'm just saying that I can understand.

BRIAN: Yeah, speaking of swinging human and elf, Aragorn, what's the difference?

ARAGORN: I know not what you mean.

BRIAN: Who's better in the sack?

Aragorn turns blood red. Legolas turns even whiter than usual.

BRIAN: I mean, the elves in your movies were all uptight and clean and…I don't know, English. But the humans are like covered in dirt all the time. Gross!

LEGOLAS: You must admit, Estel, that we elves do possess superior hygiene!

ARAGORN: Perhaps that is because we men must constantly fight and spill Orc blood to protect Middle Earth! Maybe if you elves helped out more, we'd have cleaner garments!

LEGOLAS: Hey! I've killed plenty of Orcs in my day, and I still manage to keep my hair clean and fresh! Look at it! Look!

Legolas flings his hair around and holds the long blond tresses out for the others to sniff.

LEGOLAS: What do you smell?

BRIAN / JC / ANAKIN /ARAGORN: (sighing) Flowers.

OBI-WAN: (sniffing as he puts on his pants) I think I detect a hint of cinnamon!

LEGOLAS: That is right! I manage to slay Orcs, help to free Middle Earth from the tyranny of Sauron, and keep my hair and nails clean! It is not difficult, Aragorn!

ARAGORN: You never complained about my hygiene when you were—

Aragorn cuts himself off. Legolas stares at him triumphantly

ARAGORN: (mumbling) Stupid…prissy…elf.

LEGOLAS: Yes! And I am going to live forever, Estel! Forever!

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

BRIAN: Dudes, just let me know when you guys are ready for the makeup sex, so I can watch.

Aragorn and Legolas gasp.

BRIAN: Or better yet…hey, Jedi, does that PDA have a camera in it?

Anakin takes out his comlink.

ANAKIN: What's a PDA?

Brian reaches up to grab it, and in the push-pull it drops to the ground. Suddenly a video message hologram comes forth, projected in the air for them all to see. It's of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.

ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS: What the what?

PALPATINE: Anakin? Is that you? Helloooo? Is this thing on? Can you hear me now?

ANAKIN: Yes, your honor…I mean your highness…I mean…what can I do for you?

BRIAN: Kiss-ass much?

PALPATINE: I was just wondering when you were, uh, going to be in Coruscant. It appears that the Galactic Brothers will be doing a concert, and I remember you mentioning how much you liked them. It was that time when we had that talk…remember, when you told me about your mother…and the Sand People—

ANAKIN: (coughing and avoiding Obi-Wan's questioning gaze) Uh, you were saying?

PALPATINE: I thought perhaps you would, um, want to go to—oh. I see that your fellow Jedi is at your side. As he always seems to be.

Obi-Wan, finally dressed, steps next to Anakin and waves at the hologram.

OBI-WAN: Yes, Chancellor. We were on a mission for the Jedi Council and we became a bit sidetracked. Who knows when we'll get off this strange planet…but at least we're in good company. This is Aragorn!

Obi-Wan pulls Aragorn over with a hand on the small of his back. Palpatine's eyes go wide at the sight of the handsome, gruffy Middle Earthling. Aragorn blushes and waves embarrassedly. Legolas fumes.

PALPATINE: Interesting.

OBI-WAN: What's this about the Galactic Brothers? I do so enjoy their wholesome, Force-positive music.

ANAKIN: The Chancellor said something about getting tickets! When is the show, sir? We'll have to sync up our schedules with Padme, right, Master?

Palpatine looks miffed and hides the 2 tickets in his hand behind his back.

PALPATINE: I don't know if I can get that many tickets, Anakin.

BRIAN: Come one, dude. Surely the Chancellor of the Intergalacticuniversawhatnot can score tickets to a silly old concert. You're the emperor, right?

OBI-WAN: He is the supreme chancellor of the senate. We do not have an emperor! That would not be democracy, and we all want democracy, don't we?

PALPATINE: Suuuure we do.

OBI-WAN: By the way, Chancellor, is there any news on the whereabouts of the traitor Count Dooku?

BRIAN: Who was that again?

ANAKIN: The bastard that took my hand.

OBI-WAN: Anakin!

PALPATINE: No, no, Anakin. It's completely natural for you to feel anger towards the man that maimed you. Go on, let yourself feel it! I can feel your anger even from here, Anakin!

BRIAN: I could feel your abs from here, Anakin!

ANAKIN: He took my hand! My beautiful hand! I used that hand for…lots of stuff!

OBI-WAN: Oh, my.

PALPATINE: Yes, Anakin! I can feel your anger…it's…intoxicating!

ANAKIN: Uh…gross?

ARAGORN: Is this how you Jedi use this "force" you keep talking about?

OBI-WAN: Absolutely not! We do not give in to our anger or other negative emotions, do we, Anakin? I said do we, Anakin? Ani? Get your hands out of that death grip!

ANAKIN: Sorry, Master! I was just picturing the evil Count Dooku…and that Dressellian that nearly killed us on Bal'demnic…and that Chiss that smiled at you at last year's Festival of the Force party!

OBI-WAN: Oh!

JC: I'm still holding a grudge against a stylist for cutting my hair too short in 1998, yo!

OBI-WAN: Er, yes, but anger and hatred are not the Jedi way. Right, Anakin?

ANAKIN: If I ever get my hands on that…that…man, I'll…I'll—

BRIAN: You'll cut off both his hands and then decapitate him, right?

OBI-WAN: Heavens! Anakin would never do such a thing unless it was in self-defense.

ANAKIN: (thinking, a devious smile on his face) Uh. Right, right. Self. Defense.

LEGOLAS: Excuse me! First, how is it possible that this white-haired woman with the deep voice is speaking to us as if through ether? And second…who is this Doodoo character, so that we may know him if we encounter him?

PALPATINE: It's Dooku, and— (sees Legolas over to the side) Well, hello!

OBI-WAN: (fiddling with his comlink) Here is the last visual we have of Dooku's whereabouts.

A hologram emerges of Count Dooku heading to a spaceship from an intergalactic adult bookstore. Aragorn and Legolas gasp.

ARAGORN: Sauroman!

ANAKIN: Saurowho?

LEGOLAS: This shadow picture is of the formerly good, currently evil wizard Sauroman!

JC: Oh, yeah, I forgot he was in both movies! Cha-ching!

OBI-WAN: I do not understand.

Aragorn walks over to the hologram and scrutinizes the image of Dooku, who is juggling brown paper bags as he fiddles in his pocket for the key to the ship.

ARAGORN: Yes, it is one in the same! Though his clothing is strange, and he no longer has his long white wizard beard and hair.

ANAKIN: But how can that be, when he is Count Dooku? How can he be two people at the same time?

BRIAN: Well, you see, when movies are shot, the post-production is soooo long, and then the studios don't want to release the big, action figure-worthy franchise flicks on the same weekend—

JC: Shut up, Brian!

LEGOLAS: Saruman is the bane of all Middle Earth! He has teamed up with the evil Dark Lord!

PALPATINE: (paranoid) Who told you? What do you know? Get your hand outta my pocket!

OBI-WAN: I'm tracing the trajectory of Dooku's ship after it took off…it looks like it headed toward Olgoth Piety—how do I know that name?

ANAKIN: Hey, Chancellor, don't you have a summer home on that planet?

PALPATINE: Uh…what's that behind you?

The others turn around to see nothing. When they turn back, the hologram of Palpatine is gone, only his voice fades out with what sounds like stupid freaking Kenobi.

ANAKIN: Chancellor? Oh, I guess he had to go.

BRIAN: Good. That Palpitate guy weirds me out, man.

LEGOLAS: I did not care for the way in which he looked at me. It made me feel like…like…

BRIAN: Like a cheap slut?

LEGOLAS: Ye—what?

ARAGORN: Shh! Someone is coming!

The sextet crouch down, listening intently for footsteps. Anakin and Obi-Wan with their hands on their light sabers, Aragorn and Legolas clutching sword and bow, respectively. Brian stares at the backsides in front of him, and smiles. JC raises his hand.

JC: Oh, dudes, I know who it is! My spider sense is tingling!

BRIAN: Wrong franchise, man.

Standing up and pushing aside braches, JC smiles as a hooded figure emerges from the brush. Aragorn stands, sheathes his sword, and bows his head for elf Lord Elrond.

ELROND: Aragorn, I have found you.

The Lord of Rivendell pushes back his brown hood to reveal his elf ears, long hair, and dark sunglasses. Under his brown elf cloak he wears a tailored dark suit, tie, and crisp white shirt. Aragorn and Legolas gasp.

ARAGORN: Lord Elrond, what news? And why are you dressed thusly?

ELROND: (speaking slowly, with a strange, almost American accent) I've come to tell you that you must go to Minas Tirith…Mr. Anderson.

JC: Here we go.

LEGOLAS: What is your meaning? Who is Mr. Anderson?

BRIAN: Oh, shit, if Keanu Reeves shows up, he is mine!

OBI-WAN: Key-a-noo Reevs? Is that a Sith Lord?

BRIAN AND JC: Yes.

ELROND: Sauron's armies are upon Gondor. You must arrive there as soon as possible to stop the spread of evil…Mr. Anderson.

ARAGORN: Right. So…er…have you, uh, heard from your daughter?

Legolas scowls.

ELROND: Her fate is now tied to that of the Ring. She is…dying.

ARAGORN: What? How can this be?

LEGOLAS: Really? When will this be?

ELROND: It is up to you now. Get to Minas Tirith, Mr. Anderson. And…kick ass.

Smirking, Lord Elrond then slips back into the brush, disappearing as quickly as he first came.

ARAGORN: We must get to the White City, now! We must stop Sauron! We must save Gondor and Middle Earth!

JC: And Arwen, too, right?

ARAGORN: Oh, yeah. Her, too.

LEGOLAS: Lebedgurth!

OBI-WAN: Let us depart now. There is no time to waste. Anakin and I will aid you in your quest to save your planet.

ARAGORN: (laying a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder) Thank you, dear friend.

ANAKIN: Uh, Master, I don't recall you asking me if I—

ARAGORN: Let's go!

~*~

After loading their belongings and weapons into the Jedi ship,, the sextet head for Gondor.

OBI-WAN: Anakin, see if you can get a new signal now that we're airborne.

Anakin fiddles with his comlink. A few saved video messages come through of:

Padme, in a mumu, rubbing her flat stomach:

PADME: Hey, Ani. Can you pick up some milk and Bantha hoof on your way back to Coruscant? Oh, and, uh, I have something to tell you!

OBI-WAN: How very odd that she would request you to shop for her, as if you two lived toge—

ANAKIN: Shh, there's more messages.

A teenaged boy in a green mask and bounty hunter getup.

TEEN: Ugh, I'm not sure if I got the right number…oh well. Just wanted to let you know, you Jedi killed my dad Jango Fett, so, uh, you know, blood vengeance. I'm, uh, gonnna wipe you all out, if it's the last thing I do, and all. You'll all rue the day…and whatnot. Peace out!

OBI-WAN: How very odd!

ARAGORN: Are you not worried, Kenobi?

OBI-WAN: No, no. If I had a Galactic Credit for every creature in the known galaxy that had it out for the Jedi, I'd have…well, several Galactic Credits!

LEGOLAS: And here I thought the Jedi were not concerned with material possessions! Ha!

ARAGORN: Lelthithor!

LEGOLAS: What? What did I say?

ANAKIN: Will you guys please hush?

JC: Damn. Don't get your panties all twisted, cat.

LEGOLAS: Where is this cat you keep talking about?

The next message is from Chancellor Palpatine.

PALPATINE: Hello, young Anakin. Just checking in….er, I, was just in this store and found the most interesting, er, costume (holds up a familiar looking jet black mask). I thought, I don't know, it would be fun if you, uh, tried it on…no reason. No reason at all. Anyway, call me!

ANAKIN: Riiiiiight.

JC: You know what, you should really stay away from that guy.

ANAKIN: Why?

BRIAN: Because that Palpitate guys is the Si—

JC: Brian? Don't you remember that talk we had about not disturbing the space time continuum?

BRIAN: Are you fucking kidding me?

ANAKIN: Why would I not trust the Chancellor? He's been very good to me. He explains all kinds of interesting theories to me!

OBI-WAN: Like what?

ANAKIN: Well, he says that the rule about Jedi abstaining from…you know…is stupid and completely unnecessary. He says that the true path to oneness with The Force is through physical stimulation. Prolonged…repeated…acrobatic…physical stimulation.

OBI-WAN: (sweating) R-really? W-what else does the Chancellor say?

ANAKIN: He says that the Jedi are outmoded…that some of the things that they teach us are "unnatural" are actually quite, er, natural. And he says the padawan buzzcut-with-pigtail hairstyle is downright ugly.

JC: I gotta agree with him on that!

ANAKIN: Yes. So you see, Master…there's really nothing wrong with two Jedi—two Jedi who are close, attractive, virile, young…one maybe not so young anymore—giving in to their…instincts.

Anakin smiles at Obi-Wan, who blushes.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear. Listen, Anakin, I know not what you—

ANAKIN: Yes you do, Master.

Anakin's hand lands on Obi-Wan's knee. Aragorn and Legolas smile at each other. Brian laughs.

BRIAN: I knew it! I knew you two were sliding each other the old skin saber!

Obi-Wan, redfaced, waves his hands in front of his non-Jedi companions.

OBI-WAN: Uh…you will forget everything you just heard.

ARAGORN / LEGOLAS /JC: (blankly) We will forget everything we just heard.

OBI-WAN: You will see our friendship as purely platonic and completely natural.

ARAGORN / LEGOLAS /JC: We will see your friendship as purely platonic and completely natural.

BRIAN: Ewan, you dirty old man!

OBI-WAN: What? Ok, um…these are not the droids you're looking for?

BRIAN: Dude, that shit don't work on me.

OBI-WAN: But only Toydarians are impervious to the mind trick. And Hutts!

BRIAN: Hutts? Did you just call me fat? I'll so kick your ass!

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

BRIAN: Look at these abs! Look!

JC: Hey, what's that down there?

ARAGORN: Behold! The armies of Sauron!

Down on the ground, legions of Orcs, Uruk-hai and strange men march in loose formation, dragging with them weapons of massive Middle Earth destruction. Legolas grabs Aragorn's knee for support.

LEGOLAS: I fear the end is nigh, Aragorn. They are headed straight for Gondor.

JC: Oh, we're at that part of the movie already? But we haven't even gone into the scary haunted mountain yet! How are we—I mean you—supposed to fight all those guys with just us?

BRIAN: Yeah, don't we have to get to that big white tree and stop Ozzy Osbourne from frying his own son alive in a big vat of oil?

OBI-WAN: What kind of planet is this?

ARAGORN: White Tree? We must go to Minas Tirath at once! Due west!

~*~

Once they pass over a few mountain peaks, Aragorn points to the White City in the distance.

ARAGORN: We are approaching Gondor this very minute. Our destination is at hand!

ANAKIN: But I thought we were going to Mini Series.

LEGOLAS: We are. I mean, it's Minas Tirith!

BRIAN: Well, which is it, Gondor or Minas Tirith?

ARAGORN: It is both. (looks at Legolas) Right?

JC: Wait, is this the end? Don't we have to go to Mordor now?

BRIAN: Mordor? You mean the place with that huge flaming vag in the sky?! No thank you!

ANAKIN: (nervously) Flaming…vag? M-master?

OBI-WAN: Breathe, Anakin, breathe. (To the others) He had a bad run-in on H'gaard with a Flaming Bfastelhaf. It…it was not pretty.

ANAKIN: (shivering) Oh! It was so big…and so hot!

ARAGORN: Land the flying metal boat down there at the gates. We must prevent the evil men that come from the East and South from infesting the White City at all costs!

BRIAN: Dude, you know how racist that sounds?

JC: I know, right? Not a lot of, uh, diversity in Middle Earth.

BRIAN: I think those ooruck-eye guys are POCs. Was JRRRR Token a Nazi sympathizer or something?

ARAGORN: Land the ship!!

~*~

Landing quickly, Aragorn leads the others down to the ground, where they are quickly surrounded by huge trolls, slobbering orcs, and a few tattooed guys on elephants, all pointing sharp objects right at their heads.

BRIAN: Oh, yeah, this is much better.

Aragorn holds up his sword with both hands and stares down the evil forces of Middle Earth.

ARAGORN: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I am Isildur's heir, and I command you to leave this land now and never return!

The evil army, numbering in the hundreds upon hundreds, makes no move. Some of them snicker. A few pick their noses.

ARAGORN: I command you! Didn't you hear? Hel-lo?

Legolas rushes to his dear friend's side.

LEGOLAS: Tell them you're the true king of Gondor, that'll send them away!

OBI-WAN: I do not think these creatures will be so easily—you're a king, Aragorn?

ARAGORN: Well, technically…

OBI-WAN: Oh, my. How…noble!

ANAKIN: Ok, that's it! I'm Forcing some ass right now!

Anakin whips out his light saber. Obi-Wan follows suit. Legolas and JC load up arrows, and Aragorn takes a defensive stance with his sword.

ORC #1: Oh, look at this! 2 men, a boy, 2 girls, and a baby are gonna bring down the forces of Mordor! Isn't that cute!

JC: Damn, they think Aragorn's a girl!

ORC #2: Maybe they'll destroy Sauron with their long eyelashes!

The Orcs laugh heartily.

ORC #1: So pretty and so dumb!

ORC #2: Yeah, maybe…maybe they think their smooth skin, long, flowing hair, firm buttocks, and sharp cheekbones will protect them from certain death! Maybe they think they'll distract us with their heaving chests…and their costumes that are tight below the waist!

The Orc masses get very quiet. Orc #2 lowers his head.

ORC #2: (nervously) Er…how 'bout them ringwraiths?

BRIAN: Hey! What the hell is that?

Everyone, human, elf, and Orc, stops what they are doing to look up at a fast-moving object in the sky. It moves at the speed of sound, and is headed right for them. Everyone moves back to make room for the strange object to land. When it does, and the dust settles, they see it is not an object at all, but 2 men, 1 in a dark suit, the other in a white male nurse's uniform. Everyone gasps except JC, who smiles as he watches the nurse climb down from the other man's back.

THE SUIT: Damn it, Peter. You're time traveling again. How far back have you sent us?

THE NURSE: It must be pretty far back. I mean, look at all these guys. I don't think they've discovered hair gel yet!

JC: (to Brian) Coolness! It's Nathan and Peter Petrelli!

BRIAN: Who?

NATHAN: (straightening his tie) Hello, there. Thanks for your vote. Could you direct us to any of the nearest Starbucks?

PETER: I don't know about this, bro. These guys look pretty primitive to me. There may only be one Starbucks around here to choose from.

NATHAN: Savages.

JC: Dudes, I loved the first season of Heroes. After that…eh.

NATHAN: What's Heroes? And what's with all the costumes?

BRIAN: JC, are these more fake guys or what? When I get back to the real world, can I look them up and, uh, have a three way?

JC: Um…they're kind of…brothers. Sort of.

All eyes are on the Petrelli brothers, who stand very close as they whisper to each other, touching each other with obvious affection.

BRIAN: Brothers, huh? Are we sure about that?

ANAKIN: What's so strange about that? Obi-Wan and I often refer to ourselves as brothers.

Anakin steps closer to his Jedi Master, who blushes as he accepts a hand around his shoulders.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

Nathan walks over and offers his hand and a toothy white grin to Aragorn.

NATHAN: Senator Nathan Petrelli, my little brother, Peter. How ya doing? Do you happen to have a phone around here, or, haven't you discovered that yet?

ARAGORN: (knocking the hand away) What is the meaning of this? How is it possible that you…flew…without aid of ship or wings?

NATHAN: Well, see…(eyeing Aragorn closely) Wait. Don't I know you? Weren't you in GI Jane?

PETER: Nathan, look at those guys!

Nathan and Peter turn to look at the Orcs, the weapons, and then finally at Anakin and Obi-Wan.

PETER: I know why these guys look so familiar!

JC: You do?

PETER: Sure! I mean, you got these guys over here dressed up like Star Wars dudes…you got this guy over here looking like an elf—

LEGOLAS: I am an elf!

PETER: —and then you got all those crazy dudes over there with the big sci-fi makeup. Dude, we must be at Comic-Con! Look, there's even an Obi-Wan Kenobi lookalike!

OBI-WAN: Lookalike?

ARAGORN: I'm sorry, I really do need to interrupt, as we are engaging in end-of-the-world battle here!

PETER: This is awesome! He's got Obi-Wan down perfectly. If he was a couple inches taller, he'd look just like Ewan McGregor!

OBI-WAN: Who is this Ewan person? And I am Obi-Wan Kenobi!

PETER: Man, you should be a body double. This is so cool! And look, they've got lookalikes from Harry Potter!

To the left, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have suddenly appeared wearing Hogwarts clothes, holding their wands at crotch level. The tips of their wands are touching. They wave, looking a bit confused.

HARRY POTTER: I…I don't think that's how the spell is supposed to go.

NATHAN: How about that? And look, it's the guy from Bones.

Two very pale men, 1 in a long black overcoat and hair that sticks straight up, the other wearing a long leather trench and slicked back platinum blonde bleached hair, cower in the shade of a small tree.

JC: Uh…I don't think that's Bones…I think it's—

ANGEL: Spike, I am so gonna drive a stake through your heart as soon as the sun goes down. Kill, do you hear?

SPIKE: I'd like to see you try, Nancy Boy. Hey! What's with the all the beasties and guys in drag over there?

ARAGORN: What the Nanethmaethor is going on now?

BRIAN: Is every slightly more homoerotic than normal TV or movie duo gonna show up now?

JC: Oh wow! That must be it! Worlds are colliding, cat!

LEGOLAS: (confidently) I think you must be mistaken, elf-friend. There is only one world, and we are in it! Therefore it is impossible for "worlds" to collide!

ANAKIN: Uh, you might wanna check that out, blondie.

Everyone turns to the right, where they see a fancily dressed pirate running toward them. He's followed by a similarly, though less extravagantly bedecked younger pirate. This second fellow has medium length dark curly hair, brown eyes, and a very weak mustache. But for the hair color, eye color, and clothing, he is a dead ringer for Legolas.

JC: Uh…Will Turner, I presume?

ARAGORN: Legolas! Adanaranel! This man could be your identical twin!

Will Turner and Legolas stare at each other, mouths agape, and mimic each other's movements in a slow motion pantomime. The other pirate inspects the half empty jug he's been carrying, then peers at the skull and crossbones on the label

Captain Jack Sparrow: Sounds about right.

LEGOLAS: What is this madness?

WILL TURNER: How can this be?

LEGOLAS and WILL TURNER: (together) What the what?

PETER: Wow, they got two Orlando Bloom lookalikes! Sweet!

OBI-WAN: Who's this Or-land-o Bloom?

ANAKIN: Is he a Sith Lord?

JC AND BRIAN: Yes!

ORC #1: Excuse us, ladies, but can we get back to the carnage? We're bored and hungry and eager to feast on man flesh!

The Orcs agree heartily.

ORC #2: Yeah! I crave man flesh in me mouth right now!

Everyone goes silent again. Orc #2 slinks away.

NATHAN: Maybe we should get out of here, Pete. I don't want to mess up my suit.

PETER: Yeah, we gotta go after Sylar anyway.

JC: Uh…maybe you should avoid Sylar for a while, Senator. Like…forever.

NATHAN: Why? He's evil and must be stopped. Plus, he copied my hairstyle.

PETER: Rat bastard.

JC: He's dangerous, cat. He might shoot you or take your abilities or…um…slice your throat.

Peter squeaks and clutches his brother.

NATHAN: Wait a minute. How did you know about our abilities? How did you know about Sylar?

ANAKIN: How did JC know their names?

ARAGORN: (suspiciously) Indeed! JC of the Chavez seems to know all about everyone! How is that possible?

JC: (nervously) Er…because I'm an elf?

OBI-WAN: But Legolas is an elf, too, and he doesn't share your vast knowledge.

As JC takes a tentative step backwards, Obi-Wan stands next to Aragorn and places his hand on his light saber.

OBI-WAN: I share Aragorn's apprehension, JC. You knew far too much about the Jedi ways! My feelings tell me that something is not quite right!

JC: Uh...um…Legolas? Gonna help a brother out, yo?

LEGOLAS: I want to trust you, JC, but…how can I, when your hair is so dark and curly?

The Middle Earthlings, Jedi, men, and even Brian grumble their agreement.

JC: Brian, you traitor!

BRIAN: See, this wouldn't have happened if you were blonde, like Nick Carter.

PETER: He totally got ripped off on Dancing with the Stars!

ARAGORN: Perhaps you really are a spy for Saruman after all! You knew about our secret quest for the Ring!

OBI-WAN: He knew about the secret Jedi mind trick!

ANAKIN: He knew about me secretly being married to Padme!

OBI-WAN: Exact—what??

ANAKIN: Nevermind!

ARAGORN: Enough!

Aragorn points the end of his sword at JC's throat.

ARAGORN: Tell us how you know so much, JC of the Chavez, or else by Eru Ilúvatar you shall feel the long, sharp tip of my Anduril down your throat right now!

OBI-WAN: Yes, and you shall feel the dull, thick end of my light saber down your throat as well!

Brian doubles over, unable to contain his laughter.

PETER: (with his hands around his brother's waist) Man…do they realize how gay that sounds?

JC looks around at the accusatory glares. For the first time since arriving in Middle Earth, he's truly afraid.

ARAGORN: (angrily) Tell us how, JC!

JC: Um…because I'm…sexy?

Orc #2: Damn right! I mean…uh…kill them all!

As the evil forces of Middle Earth rush in, JC throws his arms over his head to try to protect himself from the thrash of weapon against weapon, man against beast, hot movie star beauty against hideous yet award-winning visual effects and makeup. The melee is too much, and he gets trampled under the feet of both his foes and former friends. As everything starts to go black, he is able to make out a few voices amidst the chaos…

BRIAN: I can't believe I'm dying a Hobbit virgin! Babylon, take me awaaaaayyy….

NATHAN: Damn, I think someone stabbed me in the foot!

PETER: Don't worry, Nathan, I'm trained for this! Let me give you mouth-to-mouth!

ARAGORN: We fight for Gondor…for Middle Earth…for…Frodo!

LEGOLAS: Phoek Frodo! Fight for me, Estel!

ANAKIN: You are unwise to lower your defen—hey! That Orc thing hit my hair! Take that!

OBI-WAN: I knew I had a bad feeling about this!

JC falls into total blackness…and then someone whispers in his ear—hey, wake up, sleepyhead!

JC: Don't touch my hair…don't put that ring there…nooooo!!

JC comes awake with a gasp, and he's back in his own world, in his own bed, in his own body. His breathing returns to normal and a smile creeps along his face as soft lips touch his cheek and comforting arms circle his waist.

JC: Baby, you would not believe the crazy dream I just had! Remind me to never chase a DVD marathon with a midnight snack again! I'm exhausted! But what was really so weird was…the dream was so gay! Which, like, totally doesn't make sense at all because I'm not—

JC stops short when a possessive hand slips down between his legs. He looks up into the tired but happy face of his long time true love.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Hey…is that a light saber in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

THE END

Copyright © April 4, 2010 by KTA