A/N: So after a much needed hiatus from writing, here's my newest long series! I've been brainstorming this idea for a while and I'm really excited to get this one out. This one, I think, is going to be a bit darker/angstier than Broken Vow just because of the topic but I hope that you guys read it and like it as much as I do! The trailer for this story is up (or should be up soon) on my profile so you should check it out :) Happy reading and don't forget to review!
Pray God you can cope
I stand outside
This woman's work
This woman's world
Oh, it's hard on the man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father
I know you've got a little life in you left
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left…
"This Woman's Work" – Kate Bush
Chapter 1 – Only Hope
The streetlamps flickered on as dusk fell upon Port Charles, bathing the small seaside town in a hazy evening glow that made everything look rich. The crisp salt air nipped at their faces as they sped across town, the top to the convertible down and their fingers interlaced. His thumb ran over the large diamond ring that was resting on her left hand, always liking the reminder that she was his for all of time. He suddenly made a sharp turn, making her laugh in the process, into the parking lot of the MetroCourt hotel and pulled up to the valet. He put the car in park as they waited for the attendant to come.
"Do we have to go in?" she groaned as she turned towards him and he laughed.
"Yes, we promised that we would, Lulu… you know how Maxie gets when we don't come to her soirees…" he laughed and his wife grimaced.
"You hate these parties as much as I do, Johnny…" she said and he rolled his eyes.
"Oh, stop pouting… come on, we don't have to stay for long… we'll stay long enough to say hi to everyone…" he promised, kissing the top of her hand, and she sighed.
"Fine… leave it to Maxie to throw an impromptu extravaganza…" she muttered.
Johnny laughed as he hopped out of the car and walked over to the other side to open the door for his wife. With a smile, he offered an arm to her and she linked hers in his as they strolled into the lobby. He felt her arms wrap around his torso as they entered the elevator and he kissed the top of her head. He loved Lulu and the life that they had with everything that he was. Every single day since she had become his wife three years ago, he fell more in love with her. He loved kissing her pink lips, running his fingers through her golden tresses, feeling her body contour against his as they slept…
He loved every single moment.
The elevator doors opened to reveal the restaurant at the MetroCourt filled with black and white balloons and streamers. Flowers adorned each table setting and people were mingling all over. Johnny put his hand on the small of Lulu's back as they made their way towards Maxie and Spinelli at the bar.
"Lulu!" Maxie cried upon seeing her friend.
She handed her glass of what appeared to be orange juice to Spinelli and threw her arms around her best friend. Johnny chuckled at Maxie's enthusiasm as he shook hands with Spinelli. Maxie kissed both of Lulu's cheeks before hugging Johnny as well.
"Great party, Maxie…" Lulu said.
"I know… it doesn't look half bad for something that I threw together at the last minute for Federico's visit to Port Charles." Maxie said, referring to her favorite designer that had done a lot of work for Crimson, the magazine that she now ran after Kate Howard's retirement and subsequent move back to Manhattan.
Maxie turned to her husband and whispered something into his ear. The look on Maxie's face clearly said that she had some important news to share with Lulu. Spinelli then nodded, smiling, and handed her the glass of orange juice that he was holding back to her before she linked her arm through Lulu's and they walked off out of sight onto the balcony.
"Well, shall we partake in something from the bar while our significant others are engaged elsewhere?" Spinelli laughed.
Johnny clapped his friend on the back and they ordered a few drinks. They made idle chatter as they sat at the bar, catching up on the happenings in each other's lives. Johnny had barely even seen his friend since his work for Jason had started to wane. Spinelli's main focus was his private investigating agency with Sam McCall-Morgan, which had taken off in the past three years and Johnny was now running the entire Zacchara side of the organization, which had been given back to him when Jason Morgan took over the Corinthos-Morgan holdings after Sonny Corinthos had fled the country.
"So, what's Maxie's big news?" Johnny asked, taking a sip of his scotch, and Spinelli smiled slightly.
"Maxie and I are expecting a most welcome new addition to our family in about eight or nine month's time…" Spinelli said, cheerfully.
At that moment, he looked up towards the door of the balcony and saw Lulu walk back into the restaurant. Her eyes met his only for a second and she quickly looked away but it was too late. He had already caught a glimpse of the tears in her eyes and knew what was going on. She made a hasty retreat towards the bathroom and Johnny excused himself quickly, leaving a confounded Spinelli to wonder what had just occurred. Without any hesitation, Johnny pushed the door to the women's room open, needing to get to his wife. She stood over the sink, head down and small sobs taking over her petite body. She looked up into the mirror and he watched her tears roll down her face slowly and silently. His heart ached to see her like this. He wished with all of his might that he could take away her pain because her pain was his pain.
"Lulu…" he whispered as he neared her.
He put his hand on her shoulders and she wiped her eyes. She was trying so hard to be strong, for him and for everyone, and she was strong. But there was only so much that one person could take. He pressed his lips to her temple and she sighed shakily.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
She turned around and shook her head. He took her in his arms as her entire body trembled with her sorrowful cries. He had always felt so useless and powerless when he was growing up with his father and his violent and erratic behavior and he never wanted to feel that way again and he never wanted anyone that he loved to ever feel that way either. But as he held his inconsolable wife in his arms, he couldn't help but to feel like a failure. She was in so much pain and he couldn't do anything to fix it. All he could do was to hold her in his arms and let her cry on him for what seemed like the thousandth time. She grasped at his blazer as she sobbed and he just held her there, stroking her hair and assuring her that everything was alright and that they were going to be fine.
"She's going to have a baby…" Lulu sobbed.
"I know…" Johnny said, his own heart clenching at his own words.
"And I'm happy—I'm happy for her…" she said in between sobs.
"I know you are, Lulu…" he said as he pressed his lips to her forehead.
However, he knew that the tears flowing from his wife's eyes were not tears of joy. He knew all too well of the pain that his wife was going through. They wanted a family. She wanted a little boy who looked just like him and he wanted a little girl with curls and eyes just like her.
But there was nothing… even after two years of trying.
"I just—I just want one too… we've been trying for so long…" she cried, turning her face into him and putting tear stains into his navy Italian tailored shirt.
"I know…" he said, squeezing his eyes shut as his voice grew hoarse.
"Is there something wrong with me?" she asked, looking up at him.
He held her face in his hands and pressed his forehead to hers. How could she even think such a thing? She was perfect, as perfect as she had always been since the day that he met her. She had accepted him despite his moodiness and his dark side. He had tried to push her away, knowing that she could do much better than him, but she stayed and fought for him, even when he didn't want to fight for himself. She had saved his life in more ways than she knew.
She was absolutely perfect.
"There's nothing wrong with you…" he said.
"But I can't—" she started but he shook his head again.
"There's nothing wrong with you… we'll keep trying, ok? Every night if we have to…" he said.
"But what if it never happens? What if we—what if I can never have children?" she asked.
"Whatever happens, whether we have children of our own or if we have to consider other options, I will love you until the day I die… and nothing is ever going to change that…" he said.
She nodded tearfully and he leaned in to kiss her softly on her lips. He gently brushed the tears from her cheeks, knowing that they wouldn't be the last to be shed on the subject. He had lost count of how many times they had this conversation as he had lost count of the times that he had held her as she cried herself to sleep after having their hopes dashed by another negative reading from a pregnancy test but if he had to do it to keep his wife from falling apart, he would. She meant everything to him and he would do anything to keep her together.
Even if it meant disguising his own fear.
"Mrs. Zacchara?"
Lulu looked up from her magazine and did her best to plaster on a smile even though it was the last thing that she wanted to do. She was so nervous that she thought that she could've passed out. She hated hospitals and she hated being a human pin cushion for doctors as they took vials of blood and ran tests that were way beyond her comprehension. She hated the huge technical words that they used that meant that something horrible was happening or was going to happen. Johnny, who knew her better than anyone, gently tightened his grip on her hand, a gesture that he did at any sign of uneasiness that he felt radiating off her, without even looking up from his copy of the New York Times.
"Dr. Lee will see you now…" the nurse said.
She wasn't ready for this. After today, everything would be concrete. She would either be able to give Johnny a child or she wouldn't. The uncertainty was comforting in that way and if she wasn't able to have children, then she really didn't want to know.
Because it would devastate Johnny.
He would never admit it though. He would never let her see his disappointment because he loved her so much that he wanted to shield her from the world's cruelness. However, she knew her husband just as well as he knew her and she would see it in his eyes. Those beautiful deep brown eyes that she wanted to see in a little girl or a little boy that belonged to them and them alone. They had wanted a child of their own for so long and if it was revealed that she couldn't have one, she didn't know how she could face him again. He had said that he would love her no matter what and she believed him when he said it but even he wouldn't be able to hide his despair from her.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" he asked and she nodded, holding out her hand to him.
With a low chuckle, Johnny set down his newspaper and took her hand. The nurse ushered the couple into the exam room and Lulu took a seat on the exam table. When the nurse left, he put his hands on her thighs and kissed her sweetly on the lips. It was amazing how in-sync they were with each other. Whenever she felt uneasy, he could tell and knew what to do in order to ease her fears, and that's what she loved most about him.
"Hello, Lulu…"
She looked up and saw Dr. Kelly Lee staring right back at her with a pleasant smile. Hopefully that smile was because she had good news.
"Hi, Dr. Lee… so what's the verdict?" Lulu asked and Johnny squeezed her hand.
The doctor let out a sigh, one that Lulu knew would shatter her dreams. Dr. Lee didn't need to say another word because she already knew. She knew that she would never be able to give Johnny the child that they desperately wanted. Tears immediately sprung to the young woman's eyes and she felt Johnny's hand on her back.
"The verdict is that you could potentially be able to conceive a child. It would be difficult for you to do so and it would be hard for you to sustain the pregnancy. However, that's not what I'm concerned about." Dr. Lee started.
"What are you concerned about?" Johnny asked and the doctor sighed.
"Looking at all of your wife's test results, it has become clear to me that if she were to become pregnant, the stress and strain on the body could be fatal to both her and the unborn child." Dr. Lee said.
As the words rolled off Dr. Lee's tongue, Lulu felt Johnny's arm tighten around her waist, as if just saying the words would be enough to harm her. She looked up at her husband's face and saw that it had turned sheet white.
"Are you saying that she—she could die if she has a baby?" he stammered.
"But there's still a chance that I could carry this baby to full-term and be fine, right?" Lulu asked.
"Theoretically, yes… but as your doctor, I would advise you to consider all of your options…" Dr. Lee said.
"But there's still a chance that I—" Lulu started.
She was cut off by the sound of Johnny slamming his fist down on the countertop and the sharpness of the sound made Lulu flinch. She looked at her husband and his eyes were downcast and his fingertips were placed on his temple. Dr. Lee quietly excused herself from the room, knowing that the young couple needed to discuss her diagnosis. As the door clicked shut, Lulu turned around to face her husband.
"Johnny…" she started but he shook his head.
"No… there's absolutely no way that I'm going to let you risk your life, Lulu…" he said.
She rose to her feet and walked over to where he was standing. She knew that this would be hard for him to accept but it was the only way and it would all be worth it when he held his newborn son or daughter in his arms for the first time. She reached out to hold his face in her hands. The slight stubble that lined his chin gently prickled her fingers as they ran over his face. He tried to break away from her hold, knowing that it was his weakness, but she held him firmly in her hands.
"Lu…" he whispered.
His voice was soft and weak, almost like he was begging her to not pursue this. She knew that he was scared. She meant everything to him like he meant everything to her. His hands came to her waist as he drew her into his arms. She stroked his cheeks lovingly and he pressed his forehead to hers.
"There is still a chance that I could carry to term without any complications… we could have the baby that we've wanted for so long…" she said.
"I want family, Lulu… I do… and I want you to be the mother of my children and we can still do that. We can adopt or get a surrogate…" he said.
"No!" she cried.
She tore away from her husband's embrace as the tears started to well up in her eyes again. He knew how important it was to her to be a mother. She never thought that she ever wanted to be a mother but everything had changed when she fell in love with Johnny. She began to imagine a life and a future with him and he felt the same way about her.
They had both been lost souls before finding each other.
Johnny's hands came to her shoulders and she felt his body against the contour of her back. Was it so wrong of her to want to carry his child? It was probably the deepest and most profound expression of love that she would ever make to Johnny, to carry a piece of him inside of her for nine months and deliver it into the world. She would love him and their baby for the rest of her life.
"I can't—I can't let some other woman carry our baby, Johnny. This is something that I want to give to you. I want to feel our baby grow inside of me. I want to feel your hand on my stomach when he or she first kicks." Lulu started.
"But you could die…" he whispered.
He buried his face into her curls and she heard what sounded like a small sob pass over his lips. Her hand clenched his, reminding him that she wasn't dead and she wasn't planning on dying anytime soon. They had promised each other a lifetime together and she wasn't about to give up on that just yet. She turned around and wrapped her arms around him, allowing him to hold her for a few moments as he calmed himself down.
"But I could be ok… and we could finally have that baby that we've been wanting for so long…" she said, trying to sway Johnny one last time.
"Lulu, I love you… more than anything that I have ever known and I can live without having a family of our own... but I—I can't live without you." Johnny said.