Admission
"So how are you feeling?" I heard him ask. His voice was distant, but
somehow made me want to clasp my hands to the side of my head and
scream as loud as I could, to block out the sound of his voice beating in my
brain. Why did he care so much?
"I'm fine" I think I heard myself reply, I can't be sure though, for my voice
too seemed far away, not quite close enough to be real. I felt his hand touch
my face, and finally pull me towards him, forcing me to look into his eyes.
"What happened to you Wufei?" I tried to pull away, to stop his violet eyes
from penetrating my own - probing my thoughts, my feelings, my secrets,
but his grip tightened around my chin, preventing me from moving my face.
"Nothing - I am fine. Is that not obvious?" He laughed. He actually laughed.
"Please spare me your lies: you think I haven't noticed how withdrawn
you've become? Do you think the others haven't?" I ignored him, hoping he
would stop talking, but he never knows when to stop does he? "You never
used to be a loud person Wufei, but at least you talked, even if it was one of
those dull, tedious women, or weak speeches." I narrowed my eyes slightly,
not at his mockery of my beliefs, but his playing with them to try and make
me admit something, to make me talk. Well it wasn't going to work, not on
me, I was stronger than that. He continued to talk. "You don't even eat do
you? Are you aware how weak you look." Now I knew he was playing with
my beliefs "Have you even looked in a mirror lately? Please Wufei, talk to
me!"
I turned my eyes away from his. Why should I tell them? What can they do
now? They can never help me! Not now.. not now.
"Damn-it Wufei! What will it take to get some sense into you!!!" I saw him
raise his hand, I heard it sound, but the pain never registered. Never. For at
that moment all he did was remind me of what happened.
"I'm sorry. Oh god I'm sorry." was that him talking? Or was it someone
else? I wasn't sure anymore. The images in my mind were being replayed
over and over, distorting the line between reality and the pain inside.
*~* Breathing heavily down my back. His breath was sickly sweet, made me
want to choke. I couldn't speak, the gag inside my mouth may have made
this physically near impossible, but I know I wouldn't have spoken even if I
could. Something about this hurt too much. My pride seemed to be
consuming any thoughts of escape. I felt myself being pushed, face first,
onto the floor. The carpet was soft, but it stuck to the sweat on my face,
irritating me more. I could feel him running his fingers along my face,
through my hair. It made me shudder, that he could touch me and I could do
nothing. The ties around my wrists held them tightly behind my back,
digging into my skin. I was helpless. Or was I? Maybe if I had protested
more I could have stopped it from happening. But no, I refused to let him
see me struggle. His hands ran down my back, moving round so they
touched my stomach, continuing to run down , until he reached my belt. He
undid the clasp with ease, pulling it off in one swift movement. I could feel
my face burn with embarrassment. I knew he was fully aware of how much
this was hurting me, every time he touched me, I would shiver. He mocked
me, asking me if I was enjoying it, he knew it sickened me. I knew he had
removed my clothing now, admiring his catch. I could feel the drugs taking
effect now. Was this a black out drug in my system? No, I knew him better
than that, he wanted me to remember, wanted me to suffer more. Pushed
onto my front, he removed the blindfold. He knew I couldn't do anything
now. Grabbing me by the throat he forced himself into my mouth, his kisses
harsh, painful, burning. He pulled back, trying to force me to look into his
eyes, to really make me remember, to imprint the vision in my memory. A
moment for rebellion? No, I was just too disgusted, and spat in his face. As
he raised a hand and wiped my saliva from his face, the look of amusement
turned serious, and I was once again turned onto my front, more forceful
this time. I could hear him unzipping his own trousers. I bit my lip, as he
grabbed me by my hips. At once I try and scream, finally giving into my
fearful urges. A lot of good that does me.
"Shuttup!!" he yells. I conform to his orders. I am weak, knew I couldn't
break free, I gave up hope of fleeing the inevitable, instead just waiting for
the end. He wedges himself between my legs. It's hurting already, and the
real pain has barely begun. I clench my teeth shut as he pushes himself deep
inside me. It takes all my will not to gasp out with the pain. I wish so hard
that I could say it hurt the most, but I know it is no where near as painful as
it will get. Tears swell up in my eyes as I fell him pushing harder. Oh god it
hurts. I bite my lip.. I can taste the blood in my mouth, I can feel it running
down my chin, I can feel it running down my thighs. Now the tears are
running down my face too, freely now. I'm shaking with sobs, unable to
control them any longer, spurring him on even more. Every second of my
pain is bliss for him, he is loving every moment. I begin to wonder if it is
ever going to end, as I stare at the bed sheets, my cry's muffled into the
cloth in my mouth, I can see the satin sheets stained red. I start to feel dizzy
at the sight.. I feel him stiffen, and scream his ecstasy into the silent night,
burning me from the inside.. He pulls out, leaving me to fall down. I am so
weak, so very weak. Once more he grabs my face, I can't object this time,
and forces me to look into his dark eyes, forces me to stare. As soon as he is
sure I won't forget, he smirks, throwing my face down onto the covers.
"Never tell.." He laughs as he walks out the room.. *~*
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Wufei I am so sorry." I blink back into reality.
Somehow I have ended up in Maxwell's arms, I can see my own tears
running down his shoulder, soaking his clothing. I can't let go, it's the
closest I will ever come to admission. Over his shoulder I see Heero walk
into the room. He doesn't look at me but walks over to Maxwell. I pull myself
back, as Heero puts a hand on his shoulder.
"How's it going in here?" he asks. I look down. They were planning it. Duo
just stared at him, before leaning forward and whispering in his ears, no
doubt telling him about my tears, my weakness. Heero looks up, sighing,
fake sympathy.
"He'll never tell." He shakes his head before making sure we lock eyes, the
cold darkness of his own seeming to stab me as he matched the vision
imprinted in my own memory banks, a reminder. Slowly he repeats every
word, making sure it gets across "He will never tell." I hang my head. For I
am weak, and I will never tell.
"So how are you feeling?" I heard him ask. His voice was distant, but
somehow made me want to clasp my hands to the side of my head and
scream as loud as I could, to block out the sound of his voice beating in my
brain. Why did he care so much?
"I'm fine" I think I heard myself reply, I can't be sure though, for my voice
too seemed far away, not quite close enough to be real. I felt his hand touch
my face, and finally pull me towards him, forcing me to look into his eyes.
"What happened to you Wufei?" I tried to pull away, to stop his violet eyes
from penetrating my own - probing my thoughts, my feelings, my secrets,
but his grip tightened around my chin, preventing me from moving my face.
"Nothing - I am fine. Is that not obvious?" He laughed. He actually laughed.
"Please spare me your lies: you think I haven't noticed how withdrawn
you've become? Do you think the others haven't?" I ignored him, hoping he
would stop talking, but he never knows when to stop does he? "You never
used to be a loud person Wufei, but at least you talked, even if it was one of
those dull, tedious women, or weak speeches." I narrowed my eyes slightly,
not at his mockery of my beliefs, but his playing with them to try and make
me admit something, to make me talk. Well it wasn't going to work, not on
me, I was stronger than that. He continued to talk. "You don't even eat do
you? Are you aware how weak you look." Now I knew he was playing with
my beliefs "Have you even looked in a mirror lately? Please Wufei, talk to
me!"
I turned my eyes away from his. Why should I tell them? What can they do
now? They can never help me! Not now.. not now.
"Damn-it Wufei! What will it take to get some sense into you!!!" I saw him
raise his hand, I heard it sound, but the pain never registered. Never. For at
that moment all he did was remind me of what happened.
"I'm sorry. Oh god I'm sorry." was that him talking? Or was it someone
else? I wasn't sure anymore. The images in my mind were being replayed
over and over, distorting the line between reality and the pain inside.
*~* Breathing heavily down my back. His breath was sickly sweet, made me
want to choke. I couldn't speak, the gag inside my mouth may have made
this physically near impossible, but I know I wouldn't have spoken even if I
could. Something about this hurt too much. My pride seemed to be
consuming any thoughts of escape. I felt myself being pushed, face first,
onto the floor. The carpet was soft, but it stuck to the sweat on my face,
irritating me more. I could feel him running his fingers along my face,
through my hair. It made me shudder, that he could touch me and I could do
nothing. The ties around my wrists held them tightly behind my back,
digging into my skin. I was helpless. Or was I? Maybe if I had protested
more I could have stopped it from happening. But no, I refused to let him
see me struggle. His hands ran down my back, moving round so they
touched my stomach, continuing to run down , until he reached my belt. He
undid the clasp with ease, pulling it off in one swift movement. I could feel
my face burn with embarrassment. I knew he was fully aware of how much
this was hurting me, every time he touched me, I would shiver. He mocked
me, asking me if I was enjoying it, he knew it sickened me. I knew he had
removed my clothing now, admiring his catch. I could feel the drugs taking
effect now. Was this a black out drug in my system? No, I knew him better
than that, he wanted me to remember, wanted me to suffer more. Pushed
onto my front, he removed the blindfold. He knew I couldn't do anything
now. Grabbing me by the throat he forced himself into my mouth, his kisses
harsh, painful, burning. He pulled back, trying to force me to look into his
eyes, to really make me remember, to imprint the vision in my memory. A
moment for rebellion? No, I was just too disgusted, and spat in his face. As
he raised a hand and wiped my saliva from his face, the look of amusement
turned serious, and I was once again turned onto my front, more forceful
this time. I could hear him unzipping his own trousers. I bit my lip, as he
grabbed me by my hips. At once I try and scream, finally giving into my
fearful urges. A lot of good that does me.
"Shuttup!!" he yells. I conform to his orders. I am weak, knew I couldn't
break free, I gave up hope of fleeing the inevitable, instead just waiting for
the end. He wedges himself between my legs. It's hurting already, and the
real pain has barely begun. I clench my teeth shut as he pushes himself deep
inside me. It takes all my will not to gasp out with the pain. I wish so hard
that I could say it hurt the most, but I know it is no where near as painful as
it will get. Tears swell up in my eyes as I fell him pushing harder. Oh god it
hurts. I bite my lip.. I can taste the blood in my mouth, I can feel it running
down my chin, I can feel it running down my thighs. Now the tears are
running down my face too, freely now. I'm shaking with sobs, unable to
control them any longer, spurring him on even more. Every second of my
pain is bliss for him, he is loving every moment. I begin to wonder if it is
ever going to end, as I stare at the bed sheets, my cry's muffled into the
cloth in my mouth, I can see the satin sheets stained red. I start to feel dizzy
at the sight.. I feel him stiffen, and scream his ecstasy into the silent night,
burning me from the inside.. He pulls out, leaving me to fall down. I am so
weak, so very weak. Once more he grabs my face, I can't object this time,
and forces me to look into his dark eyes, forces me to stare. As soon as he is
sure I won't forget, he smirks, throwing my face down onto the covers.
"Never tell.." He laughs as he walks out the room.. *~*
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Wufei I am so sorry." I blink back into reality.
Somehow I have ended up in Maxwell's arms, I can see my own tears
running down his shoulder, soaking his clothing. I can't let go, it's the
closest I will ever come to admission. Over his shoulder I see Heero walk
into the room. He doesn't look at me but walks over to Maxwell. I pull myself
back, as Heero puts a hand on his shoulder.
"How's it going in here?" he asks. I look down. They were planning it. Duo
just stared at him, before leaning forward and whispering in his ears, no
doubt telling him about my tears, my weakness. Heero looks up, sighing,
fake sympathy.
"He'll never tell." He shakes his head before making sure we lock eyes, the
cold darkness of his own seeming to stab me as he matched the vision
imprinted in my own memory banks, a reminder. Slowly he repeats every
word, making sure it gets across "He will never tell." I hang my head. For I
am weak, and I will never tell.