Nature's Judgment

by KibaElunal

After a new temple to Palutena has been constructed, Viridi finds herself wishing that the humans would make offerings to her as well. After some planning with Phosphora, the two come to the idea that they need a human to travel and spread the glory of nature. Finding one they both approve of is tough, but one that's willing? Well, that's completely optional. [M for lemons/humor]

1. Chapter 1

Nature's Judgment Ch. 1

AN: Hey everyone. Just a little idle story I can work on between works. I've always been a fan of Kid Icarus, and I really enjoyed Uprising. While they haven't said anything, I really hope that they put it on the Nintendo Switch. Anyway, here you guys go: a little adventure-style romcom. If you like, feel free to send me a PM or leave a review. There may be lemons much further on, but I've yet to decide one way or another. Hope you enjoy! Best of luck in life and literature -Kiba

It had been a long day for the Goddess of Nature who now boredly stared into her apple cider. Following the recent events of Hades' assault on the human world and her lack of success with the Reset Bombs she'd been developing for thousands of years, she had begun to feel lately as if she'd been spinning her wheels.

"Well, that's another one down," Phosphora sighed, sipping her own drink. "Should I call in the next one?"

"Not yet," Viridi sighed.

"What is it about humans that just makes them so…" Phosphora struggled to find the right word. It was rolling around on the tip of her tongue, but 'annoying' just didn't seem to be severe enough.

"Infuriating?" her boss suggested.

"Yes, that's it."

Viridi considered it for a moment before counting the reasons off on her hand. "They're annoying, they're destructive, they're arrogant, they're stupid, and they just plain don't get it."

"Get what?"

"You know...it. Like...everything!" The goddess of nature by this point was so exhausted from the day thus far, she didn't even have the energy to try to make sense to her lazy general.

Phosphora scratched her head. "You know, that begs the follow-up question: why are we doing this again?"

"No reason," Viridi lied.

"You saw Palutena's new temple, didn't you?" Phosphora smirked.

"It's not fair! Why don't humans ever build monuments or temples to me, huh? Where do they think all their food comes from? They can't seriously believe that trees just sprout of the ground with no help at all, can they? I mean, that's ridiculous and don't even get me started on the animals! Who do they think makes rain and rainbows and the water cycle and...recycling?!" She'd tacked on the last bit in a frustrated attempt to come up with something else that she did that had played an important aspect in the lives of humans. "And what do they do? They destroy my trees, break my mountains, and sacrifice my animals and for what?! To build a temple to stupid Palutena." With a huff, Viridi fell back against her seat, crossing her arms over her chest.

"So you think convince a human to become an avatar for you will allow you to spread the word and get some more shrines to you, huh?"

"Ugh, no. Not an avatar. I don't want to go down to the stinking human world, are you kidding me?" she chided. "What I want is a cleric, or a disciple or a…"

"Paladin?"

"Ooh, I like the sound of a paladin."

"Why not just grab Magnus?"

"Please, he's only loyal to money and where are we going to get money? It doesn't grow on trees, you know?"

"So let me get this straight," the sassy high general commented. "You want a human to drop their entire life, be your servant, do your will in the human world, and you want them to do it all for free?"

"Not for free. Just for…" the goddess murmured the last part under her breath.

"What was that?" Phosphora teased. "I didn't quite catch that."

"Fruit. I want them to work for fruit," Viridi repeated with a huff. "I mean I get that if they give up their sad, miserable, pathetic lives for me they'll have to do something to not just starve to death, so I'd give them fruit. Vegetables, too. I mean, I'm not a monster."

"Maybe we're going about it all wrong," the lightning being said. "You keep calling up farmers, but that seems to run us into a few problems. Firstly, they're uneducated. Secondly, they grow their own fruits…"

"...and vegetables!" Viridi chimed in.

"...and vegetables. Finally, they're dirty and frankly I don't like the way they smell. It's just sweat, dirt, and manure."

"Well, if you've got bright ideas, I'm open to them. Let's hear them, huh?" the youthful goddess huffed.

"What if instead of finding the producers, let's find the consumers?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's find a human who doesn't grow his own fruits and vegetables, he just uses them. Your reward would be a lot more enticing for him that way."

Viridi hummed in thought. That actually wasn't too terrible of a plan. Everyone ate fruit and vegetables though, that was just a fact of the human race. They'd die if they didn't. She needed someone who didn't just eat, but made eating an art form. "I've got it!" she beamed, clapping her hands together. "I know what we need now!"

"To stop this stupid errand and go back to bed?"

"Hardly," Viridi cackled. "We're going to find ourselves a human who can cook!"

"A cook?" Phosphora asked skeptically.

"Correct!"

"Wouldn't it be better to...I don't know...find a human who can defend themselves?"

Viridi suddenly sank. "Right...if some human starts spouting off about worshipping me, the other humans are going to turn on him in an instant."

"That does make spreading your name considerable more difficult."

"So we don't want a cook, or they'd cook him…"

"Horrible joke."

"So we need someone who knows how to use fruits and vegetables, can defend themselves, and typically works for literal peanuts."

"Any other qualifications?" Phosphora scoffed.

"Ah, what the heck. Let's make sure they're cute. Can't go having some uggo ruining the dichotomy of our armies can we?"

Viridi's high general rolled her eyes. "Yeah, good luck with that. Honestly, finding a human like that is going to be the same odds as finding a needle in a hay…"

"Found one!"

Blue and green energy swirled upward from the platform in front of the two and after a few moments, the shape of a man popped into existence, much to his absolute shock. "What the hell?!" he gasped, placing a hand on his chest to still his rapidly pounding heart.

He was an interesting man: average height, but a fit, muscular frame. He was dressed head to toe in leather armor, decently-crafted but certainly homemade. In his hand, he wielded a bow, matched by the leather quiver strapped to his back. His face was youthful in appearance, probably not much older than eighteen, with short dark hair and the slight traces of a beard that had been shaved off a week prior.

"Dibs."

Viridi blinked in confusion before looking at her general. "Dibs?" she asked.

"Yeah. This is a romance story, right? I call dibs."

"You can't call dibs! He's a human being!"

"So? I still have dibs. It's inevitably going to come up in the future."

"Well if we're playing by those rules, I saw him first so you can just get in line!"

"You? You look like you're eight years old! How is he going to have a romance with a little kid?"

"I could look older if I wanted to!"

"Nu-uh! There's nothing in canon that says you can shape shift."

"That doesn't mean I can't!"

As the two girls began to squabble, the man slowly got to his feet, looking around himself in awe. Last he'd known, he'd been walking in the woods, on the trail of a bear that had been causing some trouble in the small town nearby. Just as he'd reached the thing's den, he'd heard a roar behind him, turned around, and wound up here. "Ummm, excuse me?" he called to the two women who were bickering with one another.

Immediately, they stopped, taking chairs and coming to sit just in front of him, clipboards in hand. Viridi clicked her pen before giving him a smile. "Okay, let's begin your interview. On a scale of 1 to 5, how much would you say you hate the human race? 1 being that you'd be fine if they simply ceased to exist and 5 being you wished they'd overpopulate the earth and kill all of nature?"

"I'm sorry?" he scoffed. "Umm...if i had to answer, I guess it'd be a 2 or 3?"

"Mmhm, between 2 and 3...so between, 'I'd be okay with half of a mass extinction' and 'Please don't kill me, I'm just a human'. Interesting, interesting."

"Yeah...who are you two again?" he asked.

"We'll be asking the questions if you don't mind," Phosphora replied. "Now, if you had to list the most boring sex position what would it be?"

"Ignore her," Viridi quickly chimed in. "She doesn't understand tact. Now on a scale of 1 to 5, how would you rate your love for the goddess Palutena? 1 being, 'screw her, she stinks' and 5 being 'the things I'd do to her if I could'?"

"What?" he gasped. "What the heck are these questions for? Also, missionary and I'd give her a solid 2 after she blew up my house."

Phosphora giggled, covering her mouth as she leaned over to Viridi. "I got him to say 'missionary'."

Viridi rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but to smile herself. "Right then, okay only a few hundred more questions to go," she assured the man.

"A few hundred?" he asked incredulously. "I don't have time for...whatever this is. I'm very busy and I have far too much work to do."

"Look bud, you want this job or not?" Phosphora scoffed.

"What job?!" he demanded. "I don't even know who you are, why an eight year old is asking me weird questions, or where I am!"

"Oh, those are easy ones," Viridi replied. "I'm Viridi, beautiful and adorable Goddess of Nature, creator of the Reset Bomb, divine patent pending. This is Phosphora, my high general, also a spirit of lightning. I'm not actually 8 years old, in fact I'm actually immortal, but I'm asking you questions to see if you'd be an ideal candidate for my servant, and you're in a different dimensional plane where the gods reside and watch over the Earth. I think that about sums it up, right?" She looked to her general who nodded her head in confirmation.

"A goddess…" he mouthed in awe. "You two are goddesses?"

"Just her, actually. Shocking, I know," Phosphora commented. "I'm really more of what you'd call a primordial spirit of the elements."

"Oh! We should probably get your name for the interview."

"Adlar," he answered.

"Adlar? Like a snake?" Phosphora questioned.

"Idiot, that's an adder," the smaller one hissed.

"It's Azerbaijani if that helps," he offered.

"Azerbai-what?"

"Not important," Viridi interjected. "Anyway, Adlar, thank you so much for taking your time and ours to answer these questions. They may seem strange at times, but I assure you they are absolutely essential to the story and are not just being used as cheap cop out to drop all this information. Profession?"

"Hunter/Trapper."

"Uh-huh. Would you say you hate nature, love nature, or respect it?"

"Depends on the day I'm having."

"Ooh, good answer. I'm like that myself with humans," Viridi admitted. "Now how would you list your relationship status?"

"Sorry?"

"Aw, that's so sad," Phosphora cooed. "Maybe you should just stick with Single, Taken, or It's Complicated though."

"Single," he answered shaking his head. "But how is that relevant?"

"It just is," Viridi said, adjusting the glasses she was presently wearing on her face. She didn't actually need them to see. Being a goddess, she had perfect vision. Truth be told, she liked them because they made her feel more mature and refined. "Now, the position you've applied for requires a willingness to travel. Would you be willing to travel?"

"How far?"

"Everywhere."

"I guess so?"

"Family?"

"None to speak of."

"Friends?"

"I'm a hermit."

"You're pretty well kept for a hermit."

"I said I'm a hermit, not a bum. You have to look nice if you want people to pay you instead of throw things. Seriously though, why are you interviewing me? I didn't apply for a job."

"Of course you did," Viridi replied. "You just don't remember is all."

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember applying for a job to a divine entity. Especially one I've never heard of."

The clipboard fell from Viridi's hands to the ground in shock. "Oh shit," Phosphora murmured.

"You've never heard of me?!" she screamed, standing up and kicking away her chair. "How can you have never heard of me? I'm by far the most beautiful and adorable goddess of them all! You've heard of Palutena apparently, but you haven't heard of the one who stopped her divine ass when she was going on a bender because of some stupid ploy by another stupid, not adorable god, and...gah!"

She kicked her clipboard hard, sending it racing towards the man who caught it just before it would have slammed into his face. The goddess was seething now, her chest rising and falling as the anger began to subside. Phosphora gently rubbed her back. "Now, now Viridi. It's not his fault. He's a hermit, remember? Maybe he just doesn't know much about the gods."

"Actually, I go to the temples a lot. Typically to get payment for something I've done on behalf of the town or whatever," he replied. "I've never even seen a shrine to you."

"Not...even a shrine?" Viridi whined, before hugging her high general tightly and breaking into sobs. "Phosphora, why doesn't anyone like me?" she cried. "I'm so cute and adorable. Everyone should like me, but they don't! Why don't they like me?"

"Well, you used to try to kill them all on a regular basis…" she pointed out.

"So does Hades, but he gets statues and stuff," Viridi whimpered.

"Is that what this is about?" Adlar asked. "You're wanting more recognition in the temples and such?"

Viridi wiped her eyes. "It doesn't even have to be much. Just a couple of shrines would be more than enough. Maybe some offerings every now and then. I don't even want money. Just like a snack here and there when I'm travelling would be nice."

"That's it?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Okay, sure. I could do that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'll set up some shrines for you while I'm out and about, and I'll leave you some food here and there. Are you vegetarian?"

"Yes," she stated firmly. Behind her, Phosphora was signalling to him that she was lying.

"Got it…" he replied hesitantly. "Anything else?"

"Yes!"

"I'm listening."

"You also have to be my slave."

"What?"

"It's not that big of a deal," Viridi assured him. "You just have to do every little thing I ask you to, preferably without complaining."

"That, I'm not okay with." Viridi began to tear up again and started to wail, causing him to immediately hold up his hands. "Okay, okay! Fine. I'll be your slave, just please don't cry."

Viridi sniffled. "Tell me I'm cute."

"What?"

"Tell me I'm cute."

"You're cute," he surrendered. "Now will you please stop crying?"

She nodded. "Y-yeah...I'm feeling better now."

Phosphora moved to her side, staring up at the slightly taller man. "Tell me I'm cute, too," she pleaded. "Please?"

"This is seriously starting to get weird now."

Viridi nudged her general. "You're scaring him off," she warned.

"Oh and your crocodile tears weren't?"

"Hey, I'm your boss, remember? I can just snap my fingers and you'll be dust."

"Lightning isn't made of matter genius, there isn't anything to turn into dust!"

"Then I'll turn you into nothing!"

"Ladies," Adlar boomed, causing them to both jump and turn to regard him. "Can I go now?"

"Oh, sure," Viridi grinned. "But before you do, there's one more thing."

"What's that?"

Viridi pulled out a gun and pointed it at his chest. "I have to shoot you with this thing."

"You have to shoot me?!"

"Yep." With a loud crack, the bullet whizzed through the air, slamming into chest and puncturing his heart. As he fell to the ground, blood pouring out of his wound, he began to feel dizzy. "Ooh, you were right, Phosphora. Not telling them about the gun is a good idea!"

"See? You should trust me more often."

"I do! Wasn't this guy your idea? I trust you a lot."

Adlar collapsed forward onto the ground, his eyes going vacant. Was this really how he was to die? Shot by a goddess in the form of a small child, for seemingly no reason at all. He began to cough, spatters of blood streaking across the cold tile his head rested on. "Umm...Viridi, he's not getting back up."

"Relax," she scoffed. "He'll be fine. It takes a bit of time is all. No big deal."

"You do realize humans die when you shoot them in the heart, right? They kind of need that to live."

"What?!"

"Did you seriously not know that?!"

"Of course, not! How would I possibly know that?"

"Because everything dies when you shoot it in the heart! You should know this! This is Cragalanche all over again."

"Don't bring up Cragalanche! That was a design flaw and you know it! He could have totally won if he'd been fixed like he was supposed to."

"Well what are we going to do now?" Phosphora asked. "Seeing as how you've killed our best candidate and what not."

"I didn't kill him," Viridi insisted. "Hey, human. Are you still alive?" She nudged him with her foot, causing him to give an agonized groan. "See? Alive."

"Come on, let's roll him over," Phosphora suggested, getting down to scoop her hands under his body. Viridi moved beside her and together, they easily rotated the man onto his back. "Bad news, I think his heart stopped."

"Well don't just stand there, do something!"

"Fine," she sighed before grumbling, "I'm always cleaning up your damned messes." Touching her fingers together, they began to sizzle with electricity. "Clear!" she declared, touching his chest and causing his body to surge.

"Did it work?"

"You tell me."

"Hit him again!"

"Clear!" The second time, Adlar took a deep gasp that sent him sitting straight up, to find Phosphora straddling his lap only an inch from his face. "Hello there," she giggled playfully.

He ignored her for the moment to shoot a glare at Viridi. "What the hell did you just do to me?!" he demanded. "I agree to help you so you shoot me in the chest?!"

"Well, I mean...you weren't supposed to die."

"I died?!"

"Only for a few seconds," Phosphora assured him.

"You could have killed me!"

"I did kill you…"

"For a few seconds," the general reminded.

Adlar ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it and pushing Phosphora away. "You know what? Nope. No. I'm done with this. Not going to do it."

"What?" Viridi asked.

"I'm out of here! I'm not going to be your servant. I'm just going to go back to my little tent, hunt some rabbits, maybe make a stew, and just pretend that none of this ever happened."

"But...but...I've already shot you! I only have just the one bullet! You can't quit."

"Well thank Palutena for that! I'd hate for you to shoot me again and kill me a second time!"

"What are we thanking me for exactly?" Palutena asked, strolling into the hall, her faithful angel at her side. Viridi and Phosphora quickly wheeled around and blocked the human from her view.

"Well I would thank you for knocking, but seeing as how you haven't learned that lesson yet," Viridi huffed.

"Who's that you got there?" Pit asked.

"No one," the girls chimed.

"Lady Palutena, do you think it could be some sort of weapon?"

"I don't know, Pit."

"Would you mind your own business, angel face?!" Phosphora snapped.

"If it's a weapon to hurt humans, it is my business!" he argued. "Right, Lady Palutena?"

"Easy, Pit," she smiled, gently resting her hand on his shoulder. "It's not a weapon, is it Viridi?" Based on her tone, the goddess of nature knew that Palutena's question was rhetorical. "Come on, show us who it is."

Viridi sighed, stepping away to reveal the human who stood there in bewilderment. "A human?!" Pit gasped. "You can't bring a human to Skyworld!"

"Who says?" Viridi demanded.

"Lady Palutena says!"

"Actually…"

"Well who died and made her the goddess of humans?!"

"No one died specifically...I've always been…"

"Lady Palutena! Please, send me back home!" Adlar begged. "These two are insane!"

"Hey!" Phosphora protested. "I saved your life!"

"After your boss shot me in the heart!" he snapped.

"You did what?!" Palutena demanded. "Viridi, you killed him?!"

"Only for a few seconds!" she tried.

"Don't worry, human. I'll send you back where you came from," Palutena assured him, taking a step forward before she heard the paper from Viridi's clipboard crinkle underfoot. "Oh, what's this?"

"N-nothing!" Viridi snapped, trying to take it from her, but Palutena raised it overhead.

"Let's see. Interview for a human servant. Name: Adlar...Oh."

"You're trying to recruit a human?" Pit snorted, concealing his laughter. "How could you ever convince a human to work for you?"

"How do you feel about the goddess Palutena, on a scale of 1 to 5? 1 being 'Screw her, she stinks' and 5 being 'The things I'd do to her if I were able'. Very interesting."

"What?!" Pit exclaimed, glaring at the human. "You'd dare to do something naughty to Lady Palutena?"

"That wasn't his answer, Pit," she said, the smile never fading from her face as she crumpled up the paper into a ball and dropped it indignantly on the ground. "His answer was '2, she's just a dumb bimbo'."

"Now, hold on…!" Adlar tried to protest.

"Come on, Pit," Palutena called, turning on her heels. "I've suddenly forgotten how to send humans back to earth. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure it out. Bye, Viridi. Good luck with your new servant."

"You jerk! I dare you to say something nasty about Lady Palutena to my face! I'll tear you a new one, I swear to Lady Palutena, you'll regret…" The angel's words trailed off as the goddess of light dragged him out of the hall, slamming the door shut behind her with a wave of her hand.

"So umm…" Adlar chuckled nervously, looking between the two divine beings. "About that ride back to earth…"

Viridi pouted at him. "Are you really not going to be my servant? If so, I wasted that bullet for nothing."

Phosphora cleared her throat. "Viridi, maybe you should actually explain to him what the bullet does, so it doesn't seem like you just shot him in the chest to kill him."

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Right! So, basically, I gave you a small little seed that is currently rushing through your bloodstream to your brain and makes you semi-divine."

"...what?"

"Yeah! Now your wounds will heal up, and you'll be stronger, and you'll be able to talk to plants. Pretty neat, huh?"

"Somehow, I doubt that a seed taking root in my brain is good for my health."

"We tested it on a centurion first," Viridi promised.

"And…?"

"After a year, his skull exploded. But I worked out that glitch now so you should be just fine!" she quickly added.

"I'm a dead man," he murmured. "Oh gods, I'm a dead man. Not by a bear or a wolf, no no, by a seed bullet that I was shot with by a little kid."

"I am not a kid!" Viridi snapped. "You know what? Fine then! Screw you! Screw the whole plan! Humans suck anyway!"

With a click of her fingers, Adlar was gone, and he found himself in the same place he was before, a confused bear sniffing around in an attempt to find where he'd gone off to. Before he had time to react, the bear wheeled on him, letting out an angry roar at having been tricked for so long, and just as he was about to reach him, a nasty thicket of thorns sprung up, entangling the bear and dragging him painfully to the ground.

Viridi suddenly popped into existence right beside him. "Hey there...so about the things that were said between us, I've thought it over a bit and I realized that perhaps I was a little bit unfair. I mean, I should have asked you for certain if you wanted to be my servant, kind of like a 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' 'Is that your final answer' sort of a thing, before I shot you with the bullet. But see, there's a slight hitch. That bullet too me a reeeeeeally long time to make, and it's super annoying to craft a whole new one for another human, so would you please be my servant? Pretty, pretty, please with a cherry on top?"

Adlar stood there in silence for a moment, looking to her and then to the restrained bear who was wriggling in the thorns. "If I say 'no', are you going to let the bear go?"

"Most likely," she beamed.

"Then I guess I don't really have much of a choice. You're kind of twisting my arm here."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."

"Shake on it?" she requested offering her hand. He reached out, taking her hand in his and with a whoosh of air, Viridi was gone, leaving him alone with the bear.

"She's gone. Finally," he gasped.

"Actually, I can hear everything you say," she chimed in his head. "Now the first place I want you to build me a shrine at is the top of a mountain about fifteen klicks to the West. So start riding off, cowboy. By the time you get there, I should have that whole brain explosion thing sorted out, so no worries."

"I thought you said you already sorted out the brain explosion thing!" he cried.

"Ooh...yeah, I did say that, didn't I. Yeah, you know what? Let's go with that. It's already been sorted out. Anyway, get moving or I'll have Phosphora strike you with lightning."

"Okay, okay. I'm going, see?" he swore, beginning his journey. He could already tell his new life was going to be hell. "Sheesh. Want me to shine your divine shoes when I get there?"

"Actually, that would be really nice. Okay! I'll put my shoes where I want you to build the altar. Also, if you could build it with your shirt off, it would be greatly appreciated. Right now you're on something of a probationary period, so we need to be able to erm...audit your physique. Just for clerical purposes, you understand."

With a groan, he slipped off the leather tunic he wore and stuffed it into his bag. Up in Skyworld, Viridi and Phosphora high fived before watching him with interest. "So, we're really doing this, huh?" Phosphora asked. "We're actually officially working with a human, now."

"Yep," Viridi grinned. "I have high hopes for him. I think this is going to work out really well for us. I can't see anyway this can go wrong or backfire at all."

"Dibs."

"Game on," the goddess challenged with a smug grin. "First one to make him fall in love with them wins."

"Challenge accepted," Phosphora smirked. "I'm pretty sure he already has fallen in love with me."

"He has to profess it."

"We'll just ask him when he gets done with the next shrine. We'll see which of us gets to have the mortal wrapped around our finger."

"Yes. Yes we will."

To be continued...