The Very Secret Diary of Cloud Strife
A/N: I wrote this three years ago after reading the Very Secret Diaries of the Fellowship by Cassandra Clare(which rule, google it if you like this at all), so...yeah. I meant to do a whole series but it fell through, but I did write Zack's, too. It's way less funny than this one, but if you want to read it, let me know and I'll put it up. This is compensation for being a loser and never updating, so I hope you guys like it! Oh, and it was written before Advent Children or Dirge of Cerberus or Crisis Core, so if it contradicts any of those...I did mine first. xD
DISCLAIMER: I WISH I OWNED SQUARE ENIX!! Oh, wait...I don't have fairy godparents. So, you can probably guess, I'm not getting any money out of this, either. Unfortunately.
This will start before the game, when Cloud is in Nibelheim-The real thing, not what Cloud has tricked himself into thinking...Spoilers ahead, watch out!
Day 1: Going to hometown. Hope Tifa still lives there...she wasn't quite as homely as the other girls that lived there when I left.
Day 2: Yipes! Tifa has grown into uber-babe! What's a hottie like her doing still living here? Had better keep helmet on at all times, or she might laugh at me. Meanwhile, stupid Zack putting the moves on her. 'Accidently' let a harrier sneak into the village and into his hotel room while I was supposed to be on watch, hehe. Sephiroth got all mad. Geez, what's his problem? Made me be target for the other foot-soldier dude. He was all like "What if the harrier had killed a villager? Huh? What then, punk?" When I tried to explain that I'd set out a trail of meat into Zack's bed, but he wouldn't hear it. Some people are so uptight.
Day 3: We climbed giant mountain today. Very tiresome, although did get to look up hot-Tifa's skirt while she was guiding us. Think Zack did too. Must remind Zack that Tifa's my girl, and I won't have this grabby behaviour!
Day 4: Okay, so I went to tell Zack while crossing rickety rope bridge, and stupid fellow cut the rope in anger! He and Tifa totally fell on top of each other(He pulled something, I know it!) while Sephiroth fell on top of me. Was not good, as he was very heavy and didn't wake for hours. And he reeked of cheese. Had to guard the Reactor while Sephiroth and Zack went in, but, on plus side, got to spend alone time with Tifa. Not that we spoke or anything. Was much too distracted by huge breasts to pay attention to words. Oh, and it appears Sephiroth went mad and flew out of reactor in a rage, or something. Knew he was unstable.
Day 7: Okay, found Sephiroth. Reading. Books. I didn't know he could read! Very boring now, since all we do is sit around in dusty old mansion. Tifa not allowed in, and, more to the point, her father won't let me stand outside her bedroom window and watch her sleep anymore. Poo.
Day 20: Sephiroth finally cracked. Okay, the dude sat around reading in one room for more than a week. Who couldn't tell he was about to go stir-crazy? Zack, apparently.
Day 21: Zack found Sephiroth. Got himself killed, too. Haha. Stupid Zack, falling into a pit of mako-stuff. Showed up just in time to save Tifa. Unfortunately, was quickly knocked unconscious and locked into a tank of glowing green goo. Oh, poo.
Day 24: Zack still alive, actually. Damn. Stupid Zack. Also, it appears as if my strength nearly gone, using all my power to scratch words into the glass when guy with evil looking beard not looking. Didn't anyone ever tell him goatees were for the French? Pathetic homo so obviously not French. So obviously into Zack, too.
Day 27: Apparently I've lost all feeling in my feet. And legs...and arms, too. Actually, I've lost all feeling in all parts of my body. Most fortunate, actually, as searing pain from glowing green goo was getting most unpleasant. Zack looks ready to try something. Ohhh...It's Zaack...He's so perfect...just because he's in SOLDIER he thinks he's so special...well..I'll show him...Someday.
Day 30: Turns out Zack broke us out of glowing green tanks of goo while I was sleeping. Damn! Stole my glory yet again! As it turns out, we're riding in the back of some sort of pig-transporting wagon. Awoke to find Zack hovering over me and talking in most disconcerting ways. Made 'Uggggnnnhhh' sounds because some people just don't deserve my conversation.
Day 33: Pig-wagon dropped us off, and some people calling themselves 'Shin-RA' (Sounds so familiar, but just cannot place) came and shot down Zack. Ha. Am sure he's dead this time. If he comes back one more time, will cut him down with his own sword, as will be sure he is undead mongerer who wants to steal my soul...Where were we? Oh yeah...'Shin-RA' men took me for dead, as they were supposed to, since was lying in dirt and not moving-ness. Well, maybe a little. Took Zack's sword, not like he'd need it anymore, right? Hmmm...Wonder if he'd mind if I took his life story, too... Doesn't need that much anymore, either, since dead. Although, best keep my name. Cloud Strife ultimately cooler than Zack...whatever his last name is. And my hometown. That way, can claim knowing hot-Tifa.
Day 9155: Got beat up by stupid Shin-RA soldiers. Okay, so what if I was stealing from their storehouses? Not like they need it much, anyways. God knows robots don't eat. Am now sitting under street lamp, contemplating whether or not existance really worth it...
Day 9156: YES! Is so worth it! Hot Tifa found me(Now so much hotter, five years apart done her good...And made the bleeding from the last time I saw her stop), and took me to her bar, where she nursed me back to health! Is even hiring me to work for some silly rebel group called 'AVALANCHE'. My SOLDIER training is really going to pay off now...