Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Author's Note: And since people liked it so much and it's so much fun to write, here's the second installment of Yugioh In Short. I do like Yugioh. Somehow, despite all the parts of it are that are just so stupid, and easy to make fun of. Err…yeah. I don't think it makes much sense either. But onward!
Yami: So…after a really stupid arc involving a virtual video game where Mokuba crossdresses and Joey has to dress up like a caveman so we can help Kaiba against a hostile takeover—
Joey: Explain to me why we were doing that again? I thought we didn't like him and he sure as hell doesn't like us.
Yugi: (with an angel halo and aura of nauseating goodness) But he needed our help! I KNOW that he's a good person, deep inside. Really, really, really, really deep inside.
Tristan. Yeah, yeah. Though you have to admit, why exactly did those suits decided to take over by gaming duel anyway? Doesn't anyone do anything normally in this series?
Tea: (gives Tristan a look) Tristan, our fearless leader barely comes up to my boobs yet we follow him around like ducklings and his closest rival is a 17-year old genius CEO who has an unhealthy fixation on games, starched trenchcoats and buckles. Do you expect normal?
Yami: (continuing his introduction and looking annoyed at all the interruptions) --and another interlude with a guy named Duke Devlin who had weird earrings...though I finally got to change out of my school uniform, honestly Yugi don't you have any other clothes...then we get involved in a life and death struggle over the fate of the world—where everything hinges on the outcome of a card game. Hmm. If it didn't give all those chances to look cool, I would say that there was something very strange with that.
YUGIOH IN SHORT: BATTLE CITY
Ishizu: Hi, I'm Ishizu Ishtar, a woman with an oddly Japanese sounding first name despite being Egyptian. But hey, no one ever looks their nationality in anime anyway. Similarly, I also seem to have enough money to host an Egyptian exhibit, despite the fact that my family lives underground. In old tombs. With dead people. Hmm…maybe it isn't so unusual that my little brother wigged out. Kaiba!
Kaiba: (answers the telephone) What? Who are you? How did you get this number? Why doesn't my caller ID ever work?
Ishizu: (in a hypnotic voice) Look at the TV, Kaiba…
Kaiba: Ooh, really powerful cards that I can kick Yugi's butt with. Gimme!
Ishizu: Ah, ah, ah, not until I lure you down to the museum and babble some reincarnation, mystical mumble-jumbo at you—
Kaiba: --and then cast some freaky spell on me that shows me my past-life, at which vision I freak out and then call you a quack and storm off to cover my loss of self-control, thus further perpetuating my series-long case of denial.
Ishizu: No! Wait! Powerful cards, remember?
Kaiba: (drools) Oo, pretties… (blinks) Wait, how come I or any of the other characters have never heard of these cards before? I mean, dude, I'm a disgustingly rich CEO of a freaking GAMING company, who has an immense inferiority complex driving me to obsess about being the best, most powerful duelist EVER, whose main rival is a little twerp in a gaming shop whose main purpose in life seems to be dueling the insane, weirdly dressed maniac of the week.
Ishizu: Pegasus painted them. Then had a hallucination because of some very special fermented fruits that reacted with his fruity brain. He gave them to me to hide because he was scared of them.
Kaiba: Was this before or after he shoved that incredibly tacky piece of jewelry in his eye?
Ishizu: (eyetwitch) Look! Powerful! Cards! You want or not?!
Kaiba: All right, all right, don't have a cow. Fine, I'll host your stupid tournament, and rationalize it to myself as another way to get my revenge on the spike-haired twerp. Because of course that is so much easier and cheaper to do than using my superior height and strength to take advantage of you while we're ALL ALONE down here. At night. In the basement. BWAHAHAHAHA! Plus, I'm bored. And I need to show off my new trenches. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Ishizu: (edge away) Okay…
On the other side of town:
Yami: (wandering around aimlessly, ignoring all the fangirls drooling over his angsty, punky, emo-ness) Mutter, mutter, existential angst, mutter, mutter, been through a lot of battles together, haven't we partner? Mutter, mutter, don't even remember my freaking NAME, mutter, mutter… eh? Wow, what a lot of weirdoes. And when I say weirdoes, I mean WEIRDOES.
Esper Rova, Rex Raptor, Mako Tsunami, Weevil Underwood: Not as weird as our names!
Mai Valentine: Hey Yugi! How ya doin'? Wandering around aimlessly again?
Yami: Being the only competent female duelist while simultaneously undermining your "grrl power" image by wearing the most revealing clothing possible again?"
Mai: What?
Yugi: (swats Yami) I mean, what's going on?
Mai: Are you going to participate?
Yugi: In what?
Mai: Oh, of course you have to. I mean, you're the reigning champ, right?
Yugi: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
(everyone looks up and watches Kaiba's grandiose as hell helicopter display)
Yugi: Oh. Dude, that guy has WAY too much money.
The Next Day
Yugi: (dragging duel disc on the ground, it being half his height) Ugh…heavy…
Joey: (waving his around like a feather) Whee! Lookee at my new toy, Yugi!
Yugi: (glare) I know what it looks like, Joey. I have one too, y'know. (mutters) And didn't have to spend a whole episode trying to get one just before Marik tricked the stupid computer.
Joey: (brainless dog face) What?
Yugi: (sighs, regains insufferably sweet cuteness) Nothing.
Tristan: Hey…
Tea: What?
Tristan: I had a thought…
Joey: (snicker) Really? That's a first. (suddenly glares and growls) Better not be about my sister and those porn mags in your dresser again…
Tea: (revert into righteous feminist mode) WHAT?
(All the boys cringe. Hey, those ridiculously long legs do more they just walk, you know. Plus, well, the HEELS)
Tristan: N-no. Just wondering why WE always get spiffy new clothes with the new arc, but Yugi never changes. Except for that one time with that Dung Dice idiot. (is hit with dice) Ow!
Devlin: (off-screen) Better than a pointy-headed moron! You get reception with that thing?
Tea: (ignoring) Yeah, that is pretty weird. Especially when he looked so hot… (drools)
Yugi: (sniffs) I happen to like my clothes. They contrast so wonderfully with my techno-color hair. Plus, y'know, I save TONS on laundry. And clothing bills—
Tristan: (eyes him) Really? I would have thought that the dry-cleaning bills for all the leather and the starch for your jacket flare-ry skirt thing—
Yugi: It's not a skirt! (sniffling, to Tea) You don't think it's a skirt, do you?
Tea: Uh…
Esper Rova: She does. I can read her mind.
Everyone: Ahh! It's another weirdly dressed short dude with an even weirder name!
Tea: (edge away) And he read my mind. Eww…I feel dirty.
Joey: (wonders aloud) Wonder why does everyone haveta go poking around in Tea's mind? I mean, it's not like they'll find anything in there, except pom-poms and explicit fantasies involving Y—
(Falls on the ground twitching after Tea applies her Pastel Platform Heels of Doom)
Tristan: (oblivious) Wow, Esper, you can really read minds? What am I thinking right now?
Joey: (jumps up and knocks Tristan out with his duel disk) Yo Rubber! Duel me!
Esper Rova: It's Rova! And why should I duel you? My mad mind-reading skillz will beat you down so hard with Ginso, my creepy bald cyborg dude...(is handed a script)...before you miraculously make a comeback while revealing my tragic back-story and monstrous army of siblings. Darn it!
Joey: (dancing) Whoo-hoo! Look at my brand new card! Even though the name isn't as fun to say as RED EYES BLACK DRAGON--(is kidnapped by a bunch of weirdoes in black capes)
Tea: Oh no! Joe--(is kidnapped by a bunch of weirdoes in black capes)
Yugi: Oh no! Joey and Tea got kidnapped! Why don't I ever get kidnapped? Honestly, I'm the one that has everything everyone else is after, and I'm a spiky-haired midget with a punk fetish! Why should they get to have all the fun?
Yami: Because then I—you—we—whatever wouldn't get all those cool scenes laying the beatdown on bizarre bad guys in worse costumes in improbable places, showing off and making Kaiba froth at the mouth?
Kaiba: Making me do what?
Yami/Yugi: Ack! (is blown over by the backdraft from Kaiba's plane)
Kaiba: (smirks) Come on twits, twerps, and other non-obscene words meaning stupid. That mad maniac Malik took my brother Mokuba. Ooo, alliteration. Anyway, on the way we can pick up your idiotic friends…but not because I'm secretly nice or anything. No, not me. Of course not. No way. Stupid crazy Egyptians with unusual eye-coloring. Hijack my tournament for your nefarious schemes, will you? Try and kill or at least drive insane my only rival will you? We'll see about that! (swish trenchcoat around) MWAHAHAHAHA!!
Tristan: (to Yugi) Would you listen to that laugh. Why isn't he a real villain anymore again?
Yugi: Because isn't it more convenient to the plot if we have one insanely rich acquaintance that can provide us jets and stuff? And every story needs one guy-who-acts-mean-and-evil-but-really-isn't-that-bad? Read page 442 of Plot Conventions.
Later:
Yugi: For goodness sakes, Kaiba, what is with you and annoying little brothers?
Noah: I'm not annoying!
Joey: And people trying to take over your company? Didn't we take care of these guys when I had to dress up in that fur thing and Mokuba cross-dressed?
Mokuba: That wasn't cross-dressing! That wasn't me!
Tea: I don't know, I thought that whole "profession of brotherly love before being turned to stone" thing was kind of sweet.
Tristan: You would.
Kaiba: WOULD PEOPLE STOP HIJACKING MY TOURNAMENTS AND TRYING TO TAKE OVER MY COMPANY ALREADY?
Yugi: Dude. Chill.
Noah: Yeah, big bro. Chill.
Kaiba: I AM NOT YOUR 'BIG BRO'. I AM MOKUBA'S BIG BRO. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU EXISTED, YOU VIRTUAL--(takes a deep breath) Okay. Okay. We are going to pretend that nothing happened and continue on with this tournament, my tournament, which I am going to win, are we clear?
Even later:
Kaiba: Damn.
Tea: Look, pal, we've got bigger things to deal with. Most of the contestants have been incapacitated by a creepy, lavender-eyed Egyptian with serious personality and family issues, and Yugi is the only thing that stands between us and total annihilation—wow, it's a big yellow chicken.
Ra: I AM NOT A CHICKEN, YOU BRAINLESS INFIDEL.
Malik: What, we're allowed to insult each other based on religion too? I thought we had to stick with the mind violation stuff—ack!
The three God Cards: BEGONE EVIL MARIK, AND LEAVE NON-EVIL MARIK ALONE. WE REALLY HATED THAT FACE STRETCHY THING. PLUS THE PHAROAH DEALS WITH HIS MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. THOUGH HE COULD DO WITH CHANGING HIS CLOTHES MORE OFTEN.
Yugi: Hey! Look, I just have a lot of clothes that look the same, alright?
Tea: Hey everybody, Joey and Mai and Ishtar and Bakura and that weird bodyguard guy have all woken up! Isn't that great? But Kaiba's about to blow up this tower because he can't deal with failure again. Isn't that awful?
Yugi: Ahh! Lifeboats, everyone! Abandon ship!
Tea: We don't have lifeboats. And this isn't a ship.
Yugi: Well, find some! We really need to get off this island! Kaiba, you creep!
Even even later:
Joey: (watching as the island is destroyed) Well, that was interesting.
Tristan: Yeah, that's one word for it. Now what do we do?
Joey: (shrugs) Nothing, until we get back. Anyone up for a game of cards? (is bonked)