Some nights were better than others.
Sometimes Rin could sleep easily, dozing off against her Lord's side while he remained indifferent, maybe a little bit irritated, but unmoving until she awoke in the morning. She wondered when he slept.
Some nights were worse than others.
It would start slow, the movement possibly attributed to a general sleeper. But the motion of Rin's hand running up and down her arm would be repetitive, up and down, up and down. Fingertips running lightly over the surface. Then she would start scratching.
Some nights he'd have to hold her hands while she tried to wrench them away, exclaiming at him, 'There's something there, there's something there!'
She'd beg and beg and then she'd cry- it only served to exhaust herself. He remained impassive throughout those meltdowns.
When the odd, red specks initially began to appear, decorating the surface of Rin's skin, it was just a small area on the back of her forearm.
Then it started to spread, it got redder and more prominent and suddenly spanned it the entire length of her arm. At that point he was wondering if she maybe was allergic to something.
But then it crawled over her shoulders and chest, creeping down her legs, covering her all over with those tiny red pock marks. She wasn't sick, it wasn't an allergy. He wondered if someone was hurting her during the brief times she spent away from him, but no, he was always conscious of his surroundings. He'd know if there was someone nearby.
He couldn't even fathom just how someone would be able to inflict such minor wounds across a large area, nor what the motive would be.
It all clicked for him one day when Rin was sitting by the river, waiting for a fish to swim into the net she'd been stirring around for a while. Eventually, when it was clear that tactic wasn't going to work, she sat down and waited.
Sesshomaru had been musing over various topics at the time and hadn't paid much attention at first when the little girl sat down next to him.
But after a while Rin grew fidgety, restless. She played with the hems of her clothes, plucking at the threads. Upon noticing Jaken berated her and told her not to ruin the material. Promptly she switched to pulling grass out of the ground instead.
He wasn't sure when pulling out grass evolved to pulling out hair, but eventually he became aware of the subtle difference.
And oh did it make sense, the tiny red marks, all over her, everywhere. The absence of body hair and the little pink and red stains on her skin were left behind. Oh.
"Stop that," He told her, eyes cast in her direction.
She jolted, but was still twisted awkwardly from trying to reach the places she couldn't quite see. Rin uncurled her body from the contorted shape and slowly stretched out her muscles.
Then Sesshomaru began to look for it. The squirming as she went to sleep wasn't that of an agitated, restless dreamer, but of Rin jerking out tiny hairs, pinched between her nails, ripped right out of her arms and legs.
It made even more sense the first time he caught her meticulously and methodically ripping off each and every one of the scabs that she was covered head to toe in. He could smell the blood and he sped (faster than he would like to admit) to find Rin who was bathing in the nearby river.
Again, the contortion, shoulder cocked forwards, her neck bent and twisted almost unnaturally so she could see the back of her shoulders and pry dark scabs away from her skin. She stood waist deep in the water, swaying a little since her stature wasn't very well balanced.
"Stop doing that," He warned her.
Again her body jerked when she realized someone was watching her but she only looked over her shoulder at him, staring at his feet ashamed and mumbled something quietly.
"There's stuff there though."
"Get get dressed and let me see," He told her, and retreated back to the campfire that was lit purely for Rin's comfort.
So, Rin waded out of the water and redressed herself. Sesshomaru heard the child rustling through the bushes before he actually saw her emerge and she walked slowly to him. Anxious and reluctant, she looked like a dog that knew it'd done wrong and was well aware it was about to be scolded.
She sat next to him and crossed her legs. Sesshomaru held out his hand expectantly and curled his fingers over her wrist when she placed her arm in his palm. He was careful not to grip too much, keeping his razor nails well out of the way as he gently pulled her arm towards him, using his other hand to push back Rin's sleeve as he lifted her arm closer to his face so he could properly inspect it.
Tiny red marks, some no bigger than a pinprick. Some area's were sore and puffy, others dry and the skin starting to peel slightly. There were only a few hairs left on Rin's arm, for the most part it was bare save the tiny wounds. Some scabs were the size of his thumbnail and he could figure out how they came about judging by Rin's constant scratching at her scabs.
The splotched skin extended well beyond where Rin's clothes limited his careful gaze, could even see the same patterns over the parts of her legs that material didn't cover, on the back of her neck. It was starting to creep up her face too. Even the skin of her feet looked attacked, the bleeding cuticles on her toes he might not have paid heed to had it not matched the same peeling he'd seen her do to the cuticles on her fingers.
Sesshomaru wondered about the expression she'd worn as she emerged from the woods. She knew that she was doing something wrong, judging by her face. He looked at her with a leveled gaze, willing her to stay calm as he felt the palpitations of her her heart through her wrist.
"I have to," She mumbled, pouting at the ground.
What compelled a nine year old girl to go about this sort of self destruction was beyond him, but it stumped him even further when she spoke after.
"I can't not do it, I need to, I don't know why," She hiccuped, eyes watering.
"You aren't in trouble," He told her. His voice lacked feeling, was indifferent, but the words served as a reassurance.
Even now, months later, she continued to pick and pull at the hairs on her body. Sometimes she was aware, other times Sesshomaru would see the glazed over look in her eye before it faded into horror at having been caught picking again.
On bad nights he'd hold her hands while she tried to sleep to stop them from wandering over her skin. She'd panic, fret about things in her skin that didn't exist. When she finally slept, they were her most restless nights, constantly fidgeting while she slept, still trying to get rid of things that weren't real.
There were things that Rin was vocally grateful for, would remind him everyday how happy and thankful she was. Other things she was less loudly grateful about, like when he sent Jaken in search of lotion to help heal the skin that was dry and peeling from its constant abuse. It was expensive, a rare commodity.
(He had Jaken steal it from a human noblewoman)
She'd taken it in her hands (her fingers were bleeding) and grinned warmly at him, smiling brightly as she thanked him profusely.
He tried not to be angry when new angry marks would appear, because as Rin told him everytime the topic arose, which it rarely ever did.
She couldn't help it.
Rin has dermatillomania and minor trichotillomania.
Dermatillomania is the obsessive compulsive behaivour in which a sufferer feels compelled to pick, gauge, squeeze or scratch at their skin. It is an involuntary behaivour which a sufferer very often feels unable to control. Because of the involuntary nature of the behaivour, it is not considered self harm.
Trichotillomania is much the same, but instead of skin picking, is characterised by pulling out hair. Trichitillomania can occur with a fixation on any sort of body hair. Many people feel compelled to pull certain types of hair but not others, meaning, it's possible to only feel compelled to pull out eyelashes, or eyebrows, some people only feel compelled to pull out leg hair, or pubic hair, or arm hair, or most commonly, hair on the scalp.
-SiCanFly