Inuyasha sat cross-legged on the grassy hilltop, gazing over the rolling fields. A slight breeze caressed the grass and ran its fingers through Inuyasha's hair as he sighed deeply. Sighed hopelessly. There was no reason for him to be depressed; the past week or so should have been the ultimate relief. Ever since they had finally managed to defeat Naraku once and for all and had completed the sacred jewel, everyone else had been relaxed and easygoing.
Kagome had been visiting the modern era much more frequently, overjoyed at how much improvement she was making in her schoolwork. She had also managed to almost fully purify the Shikon jewel, making it nearly impossible to ever be defiled again. Shippo had been courting a young girl in a nearby village, showing off his fox magic and playing games with her every day. Sango had been spending much of her time with Kohaku, helping him retrieve his memories. (It was discovered that Kohaku didn't need the jewel shard in his back to keep him alive once Naraku was dead). Miroku had permanently given up his lecherous ways and had been endlessly wooing Sango with poems, flowers, and romantic dinners ever since.
Inuyasha, on the other hand, had been far from being able to relax at all. He had spent most of his time wandering off to a distant, secluded place and simply staring into oblivion. To the others, it looked as though he was slightly shaken by the idea that years of work had paid off, and said nothing to him as he disappeared every day. Inuyasha's nights, on the other hand, were anything but peaceful and secluded. Once the sun had set, would simply retreat into his hut and lye awake in agony. Inuyasha spent every sleepless night gnawing at his own wrists.
Days of contemplation had brought him to the conclusion that he had fulfilled his intended purpose on earth, and that there was no reason whatsoever for him to stay. His sole purpose had been to protect Kagome, and make sure that no harm befell her. With Naraku dead, she had no danger that she needed protection from anymore. It was not a dilemma that he was caught in; there was no choice involved in the matter. Rather, it was an ending. And so, each torturous night, Inuyasha lay awake, biting, cutting, hacking, tearing, slashing, cleaving, slitting his wrists, trying to end it all. All the pain, the uselessness. And each night, he held himself back just long enough for the sun to rise. The bright and beautiful sun, the symbol of hope that allowed him to plug the flow of crimson regret, but only until the next night. The day gave his hanyou body the time that it needed to heal, so that each night, only scars remained as evidence of the previous night's ordeal.
And then, he would reopen the wounds the next night, time and time again. Each night he would get closer and closer to finally bleeding all that his body had to give, and leaving this world. Inuyasha always managed to hold himself back from doing it, just a little longer. He would always try to convince himself that someone, somewhere needed him still. I want to stay here, with Kagome, he would think, can't I just stay in this world? But then, a nagging voice at the back of his mind would make itself heard. That is not for you to decide. You only existed to ensure the safety of Kagome; that and nothing more. But now, she doesn't need you anymore. No one needs you. You are utterly worthless.
Inuyasha did not know how much longer he could hold himself back from ending his own life, his useless life. He wanted so badly to be saved, to be pulled up, but by the time anyone else noticed the scars on his wrists, he knew it would be too late.
And so he simply perched atop the hill, allowing the wind to tangle his hair and whip his hakama about him. The sun slid behind the horizon slowly, retreating, and wreaking the night. Inuyasha feared the coming of this night, for he could no longer feel the strength that he needed to hold himself back. This night would surely be his last, unable to go on with the charade that his life was. He would join Kikyou and leave Kagome behind. He would be forced to abandon the beautiful Kagome, the one who had supported him for so long. Inuyasha could almost picture the pain in her eyes as she saw his lifeless body the next morning.
A single tear escaped out of the corner of his eye. Inuyasha hastily wiped it away with his sleeve, invoking his life's moral that showing pain was showing weakness. His face once again became expressionless as he remained fixated upon the vanishing sun. Inuyasha silently pleaded with it to halt and remain where it was, to not allow the night to come, and death with it.
The breeze shook Inuyasha once more, but this time it bore with it a delightful scent. He inhaled deeply, taking in the sweet aroma of flowers and incense. Kagome's pure essence brought a tinge of warmth to his stone heart, allowing him to think of something other than the crimson liquid that would flow that night. He could feel her presence behind him, hear her light footsteps upon the soft grass. Inuyasha did not turn to acknowledge her, nor did he say anything to her as she approached him.
Kagome sighed blissfully as she settled on the grass just to the left of him. Inuyasha could hear her smile, taste her loveliness as she pulled her knees up to her chest and observed the sunset before them.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" said Kagome in her light, airy voice, no doubt taking Inuyasha's silence as admiration for the short-lasting pink tinge of the sun. Inuyasha didn't respond to her question, but simply kept staring into the distance. Kagome's smile faded at his lack of reaction. "Inuyasha?" The concern was evident in her voice. Inuyasha could feel her worrying hazel eyes upon him, and the last thing he wanted was for Kagome to worry about him. He turned to look upon her.
Kagome's expression of mild concern quickly changed to shock as she glimpsed the sadness and mourning in Inuyasha's golden eyes. A slight gasp escaped her lips; she had never seen Inuyasha so sad before. Seeing how his face alone had made Kagome so distressed, Inuyasha turned away quickly, ashamed of himself. Kagome's eyes didn't leave him, so astonished was she at the thought of what could make Inuyasha look so grievant.
Inuyasha felt guilt stabbing within him. You made Kagome feel bad! He silently berated himself. You fool! You're face alone is enough to upset her! You're a hideous beast! He winced inwardly, wanting to undo what he had done. Inuyasha no longer cared whether his reputation of being tough guy was ruined or not, so near was his death. So he decided to take a risk.
Kagome gasped for a second time as she felt Inuyasha's left arm slide around her shoulders. She was taken aback as he pulled her towards him slightly, furthering their contact. Then, she smiled, loving how tender and sensitive he had suddenly become. She reached up and grasped his hand where it dangled near her shoulder, not wanting the moment to ever end.
"Inuyasha?" Her voice broke the silence. "What's wrong?" she said, leaning her head against his chest. There was a long pause, in which Inuyasha sighed.
"I'm sorry, Kagome." His voice was barely audible above the soft whisper of the wind. He said nothing further, just 'I'm sorry.' He didn't turn to look at her again, for fear of seeing the same distress and disappointment that he had caused before. Kagome didn't push the matter any further, her ignorance allowing her the benefit of a doubt. She knew the feeling of wanting comfort without reason all too well, and she decided to grant it to Inuyasha where he had denied it to her.
Kagome then reached up and grasped his left hand with both of her own, giving him warmth and consolation. She stroked his skin with her thumb, trying her best to coax an answer out of him. She was curious about what was making Inuyasha so sad and vulnerable, but she had no idea just how serious it was. Kagome thought this the type of matter that Inuyasha would eventually confide in her. For the time being, until Inuyasha worked up the courage to tell her what was wrong, Kagome was enjoying their closeness.
Inuyasha, on the other hand, was drawing closer to tears by the minute. Every second he spent with his arm around Kagome was a second of the Kagome he would miss the most. It pained him increasingly, knowing what he would have to leave behind. Kagome thought she was consoling him, but rather, it was the other way around. Inuyasha was trying to leave her with one last fond memory of him, to leave her peacefully. He wanted to show a side of himself that he had no other, while he still had the chance. Inuyasha wanted to leave a piece of himself behind in Kagome, so he may have some shred of legacy, the most important thing to a youkai.
They sat like that for several minutes, Kagome simply grasping Inuyasha's hand, and Inuyasha keeping his arm wrapped about her. After a while, their skin grew hot and slightly sweaty, so Kagome adjusted her grip upon Inuyasha's hand. She then proceeded to continue stroking his hand with her thumb, but she felt something. Her thumb froze. Too late, Inuyasha realized that she had struck upon the scars on his wrist. He yanked his hand away, pulled it towards himself, and withdrew it into his sleeve. He was overwhelmed with the guilt of letting her find out.
"Inuyasha…" Kagome's voice wavered, and her eyes brimmed with tears "Why?"
"I'm sorry," Inuyasha paused. He didn't want to make Kagome sad at all. Some job you did there, said the nagging voice in his head. He knew that he would have to explain; he couldn't just leave Kagome wondering. "but there's no place for me here." Another pause. How can I say this without hurting her even more? "My only purpose was to protect you. And now you're safe. You don't need me anymore."
Kagome was staring in disbelief. She looked hurt and insulted and angry and pained all at the same time. Tears streaked her beautiful face. Inuyasha, having feared this reaction above all others, recoiled. He wished he could just die right then and there; disappear forever into a world where he couldn't ever hurt Kagome again.
Kagome raised her hand, and brought it down hard upon Inuyasha's cheek. He simply continued to stare downward in shame. I deserved that. Inuyasha longed for her to keep harming him for some reason. He wished she would punish him further; that way, he wouldn't have to miss her.
Instead, Kagome did what Inuyasha least expected her to do. She fell into his arms, hugging him fiercely. Inuyasha simply sat there, not responding, so dumbstruck was he at the fact that he had just been slapped and then hugged.
"Inuyasha… how could you… did you even stop to consider the possibility that I might still need you?" Kagome was latched onto Inuyasha, her angry tears spilling onto his hakama.
"Why would you need someone like me?" Inuyasha still refused to hug Kagome back. He could not be convinced that he was anything other than worthless.
"Because…" Kagome's voice had lowered to a whisper, "because I love you, Inuyasha." He looked down at the weeping form in his arms. There was a long silence; the wind forgot to blow, the grass froze, and Inuyasha's eyes grew wide.
"You…what?" Inuyasha's voice wavered and shook.
"I love you. I have for a long time now. You've failed to notice all these years, despite the fact that I stayed by your side, and forgave you for seeing Kikyou all the time, and bandaged your wounds after battles, and cooked your meals… You didn't ever stop to think why!" Inuyasha, still dumbstruck, couldn't pull his stare away from Kagome, nor could he bring himself to wrap his arms about her as she continued to hug him. "Nevertheless, I continued to love you, despite the fact that you remained ignorant to my attempts to get through to you. I have loved you all this time, especially since we defeated Naraku. I'll bet you didn't even notice that I've been sitting next to you at dinner, or that I tried to hold your hand at lunch yesterday, or that I've offered for you to come and stay with me in the modern era five times now! Put two and two together, Inuyasha. I love you. And you… you had the nerve to consider leaving me like that! How could you just leave me behind!" Inuyasha knew he had hurt Kagome, but he had never even imagined that she would miss him just as much as he would miss her. How could someone of her beauty ever love a lowly half-demon bastard like me? He had never even fathomed himself to be near good enough for her.
"But…" Inuyasha found Kagome's little speech a bit difficult to follow up on, "I only existed…"
"And don't give me that crap," Kagome interjected, "about you having existed 'for the sole purpose of protecting me'! It's insulting!" Kagome's tears had not let up at any point in all of this. "Inuyasha. I love you. And that's all there is to it."
As Inuyasha gazed upon Kagome with mournful eyes, he realized something. He finally identified what the strength was; the strength that he had called upon to assist him in braving the night. He finally realized what it was that had held him back, and what had kept him from leaving everything behind and ending it all:
"I love you too, Kagome." Inuyasha finally discovered what had kept him going not only for the past few nights, but for the past few years. As the words fell from his lips, Inuyasha came to terms with the fact that his heart had ached for him to say it ever since he had first set eyes upon Kagome.
Inuyasha at last wrapped his arms about Kagome and pulled her close to his chest.
"I know." Kagome whispered, nuzzling close to him. Inuyasha then realized just how much he had ever wanted her love, her warmth. He was finally saved, from his sleepless nights, from his loneliness, from death itself. And he owed it all to the girl he held in his arms.
A solitary tear trickled down his cheek. This time, he didn't wipe it away.