Epiphany - a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way (Merriam Webster online dictionary)
The moment Clarke realized she loved Lexa she was walking down one of the hallways in Mount Weather. It hit her suddenly and with such force she had to sit down, sliding down one of the walls and cradling her head in her hands. It both broke her heart and made it feel as if it could be whole again. It tore her up, she was conflicted between the hate that had overcome her the moment Lexa betrayed her and the love she now realized had been steadily building inside her ever since she had met the ruthless commander of the grounders. She didn't know how to feel about this and simultaneously felt too much about it, all the emotions all at once. It left her unable to process them as quickly as they were coming up. The one thing she was sure of was that she didn't want it. She didn't want to love Lexa, wanted it even less when she realized how similar they were. The commander had left the Sky People to die at the hands of the Mountain Men to save the grounders and Clarke in turn had massacred the Mountain Men to save the Sky People. The young, the innocent it didn't matter, Clarke had killed them all.
"I was innocent once." Clarke spoke aloud to the eerily empty mountain, bargaining with it, she supposed. Like the children from Mt. Weather she had lived in childish ignorance for most of her life on the Ark and look at her now, how she had fallen from that innocence weighed down by sin. How long would it have been before those children grew up, too quickly she was sure considering the world they had lived in, and fell from innocence themselves? It was unfair of her, she knew, to make these assumptions. Most of those children would have lived normal lives and been blissfully unaware of all the awful things their leaders were doing to preserve their lives. Like her people back at Camp Jaha, they would remain untouched by the horrific decisions those in power are faced with.
"I bear it so they don't have to." She echoed Dante Wallace's words. In a way she respected him. He had tried to stop his son from killing her people but when he couldn't he decided to let them be killed to save his people. After what she had done, she was almost one hundred percent sure she would have done the same thing. If Lexa only had stayed to fight maybe not all of them would have had to die, she thought anger rising up inside her. But had the roles been reversed and the Mountain Men had told her all of her people would be free if only they could keep the grounders would she have decided any differently? Had the grounders stayed to fight some of them would have died. With Lexa's deal none of them had to. If Clarke had had that assurance, would she have led her people into battle to save those who not more than a few weeks ago were the enemy?
"I wouldn't have." She answered her question aloud and unsurprisingly and painfully she realized her people would have been happy to walk away without helping the grounders if it meant they could all be safe, except maybe Octavia. Even now realizing that she loved Lexa, she knew this fact didn't change her answer. Lexa loved her too of this she was also sure. That's why Lexa said she was making the decision with her head and not her heart. Her heart would never let her leave Clarke in a time of need. She did what a good commander would do and made the best decision for her people even if it meant giving up the girl that made her feel love again and Clarke would have done the same thing. This was their responsibility, their burden as those in charge.
A new thought struck Clarke, one that she had never considered before, maybe because she had had so little time to think about much else besides how to get her people out of Mt. Weather. Lexa too had been innocent once. There had been a time when there was no blood on her hands, no scars on her skin. She had been trained from the time she was young to be a warrior but there was a time when she hadn't taken any lives, hadn't had to make decisions that resulted in death. Clarke would've liked to know that girl and not for the first time in her life she wishes things were different. She wishes she lived in the pre-apocalypse world. The one were everyone lived on Earth and space was just a distant dream. When life was about more than just surviving and people had all these options on what they wanted to be, who they wanted to be. She wondered if she had met Lexa in that life would they be friends? Would they be lovers? Or was it their common sense of duty and responsibility that had made them so compatible and understandable to each other?
"We would've always ended up loving each other." Clarke reasoned to herself. If they could in these circumstances, then the circumstances didn't matter. She wasn't sure she had ever believed in fate but the more she thought about it now, the more Lexa felt like fate to her. They could be stronger together, could help each other fight the demons that plagued them as Clarke had no doubt that Lexa had them as well.
So Clarke stood up, dusted herself off, packed supplies and left Mt. Weather for what she hoped was the last time. She had burned the dead, sending them off to whatever afterlife there may be, in the style that was common to the grounders since she had no idea what the Mountain Men had done with their dead although burying didn't seem like and option, and had spent a little more than two weeks wandering around the mountain looking in people's living quarters, getting to know them, punishing herself. She had broken down when she had gotten to the preschool and saw all those drawings on the wall. Now it was time to leave it behind. It would always be with her. She would carry the grief and the pain and the regret with her until the end of her life but she couldn't stay there forever. It would drive her insane and someday her people would need her again. Thankfully that day wasn't today. She wasn't ready to see them yet, wasn't ready to see anyone yet.
She set out at sunrise toward some unknown destination. She meant to wander around, to see the Earth, the parts where there were no humans, the beautiful parts she thought. She walked for days, staying on high alert, keeping her eyes peeled for mutant deer or killer gorillas or any other one of the innumerable things that could kill her here on the ground but it was surprisingly quiet and each day she ran in to no danger. Each night she set up camp and bundled herself inside her tent against the cold. Her relative safety had made it easier for her to drift off to sleep each night.
One night she was almost completely out when she heard a noise close to her tent. She sat bolt upright and reached for the gun she kept close at all times. It had sounded like a twig cracking, not much of a sound really, but her ears were well accustomed to the noises of the forest and she knew when something was out of place. It could be an animal of any sort, small or big, dangerous or harmless. It could be a grounder or some other type of human she had yet to encounter but was sure was out there somewhere in this world.
Carefully Clarke threw off her blankets and exited her tent. She scanned the dark forest and saw nothing but just because she didn't see anything didn't mean something couldn't see her. She ventured farther out and saw a bunch of twigs that had fallen from a nearby tree, the breaking of which had woken her up, looking in this direction Clarke also saw something in the sky, smoke. Someone was camped close to her and since her journey to the ground Clarke believed less and less in coincidence. There was a strong possibility this person had been following her. This thought didn't scare Clarke, she had seen too much to be scared by a stranger in the night, no she wasn't scared, she was enraged. She wanted to know who this person was and why they were following her and she wanted them to stop. Hidden by the trees and the night Clarke crept closer to where the smoke was coming from and saw…
"Lexa!" She exclaimed upon seeing the grounder commander feeding the fire.
"Clarke?" Lexa said in surprise. "I thought you were asleep."
"What are you doing here? Are you following me?"
"I…was…" Lexa's normally calm and composed way of speaking was nowhere to be found. Instead she was flustered and floundering to find any words to say. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to regain control of herself.
"Yes I have been following you." This admission did nothing to abate Clarke's rage only made it worse.
"Why?" Clarke asked cautiously aiming her gun at Lexa. The movement didn't go unnoticed by the commander.
"I mean you no harm. I only wanted to make sure you were okay. I went to your people's camp but they told me you had left so I tried Mount Weather. I went inside and found you asleep. I meant to talk to you there but I…" Lexa stopped in the middle of her story and lowered her eyes in shame.
"You were too much of a coward to face me." It comes out harsh and she notices Lexa flinch at the word coward. Clarke thinks this is perhaps the first time Lexa has ever been called that word, certainly the first time she would ever agree with it.
"Yes. I did not know how to face you. I have never felt this way before." She looks a little unsure of herself. She is not used to not knowing what to do and for a split second Clarke feels bad for her but there is still anger inside from Lexa's betrayal and although she understands why the commander did what she did and Clarke knows she would have done the same thing it still hurts. She looks at Lexa and she has never seen her look so young. There is no war paint surrounding her eyes, no armor on, although she notices her sword is still strapped to her side. "I cannot say I am sorry for making the decision I did but I am sorry it hurt you." Lexa's apology does nothing to quell Clarke's anger. She thought she had made peace with Lexa's betrayal but seeing the girl so soon brought all her feelings back to the surface.
"Hurt me?" I murdered everyone in that mountain, all the children, people that helped us, all of them. You made me a monster, Lexa."
"I did not make you do anything."
"If you had stayed to help all of them wouldn't have died."
"Some of my people would have as well as some of yours. And what of after the battle? Do you think the mountain men would have accepted defeat and lived silently? Do you think those children whose parents we may have killed would be okay with that when they grew up, would not be angry at a group of strangers who barged into their home and murdered their people? Do you think the fighting would have ever stopped? By defeating the mountain in its entirety now you stopped future battles from being fought. You made us safer. Perhaps it was for the best."
"Your people wanted all the mountain men gone anyway. You should've stayed. It should've been you that pulled that lever. You're a monster anyway." As soon as the words left her mouth Clarke wished she could take them back. She didn't believe Lexa was a monster and absolutely didn't want Lexa to believe she thought she was one. Lexa looked wounded but nodded her head in acceptance.
"You may see me that way but I do what is right for my people as you do what is right for yours. If you think that act made you a monster, it would be better to think me the monster instead, since you were forced to do it because of my betrayal. If it would make you feel better then do it but if you cannot then know this Clarke, I did not make you a monster because you are not a monster. We should sleep now. I would advise you to stay here at this late hour."
Clarke was tired physically and emotionally so she stayed. Lexa gave her furs to sleep on and they kept their distance but Clarke would have been lying if she said she didn't sleep sounder knowing the commander of the grounders was so close.
The next morning Clarke awoke to Lexa packing up her things. She found that most of her anger from the night before was gone.
"Where are you going?"
"We need to keep moving. These woods are not safe enough for us to stay in one place for too long."
"I've been walking for days and haven't seen anything dangerous aside from you. They seem safe enough." When Clarke looks at Lexa, the commander is unable to meet her eyes. "Lexa," Clarke's voice takes on an authoritative tone, "what did you do?"
"You know I have been following you. I could not allow anything dangerous to get close to you."
"I can take care of myself." Although it's true, it comes out half-hearted. Clarke wants to be mad but finds she is touched by the admission.
"I know but sometimes taking care of oneself is exhausting." Clarke really looks at Lexa. They are both so exhausted.
"Where will we go?"
"Wherever you want, wherever you were going before you discovered I was following you. If you want me to leave, I will leave. I would prefer to at least stay following you as I was before but if you wish me gone just say the word and I will go back to Polis."
Clarke doesn't want her to go but also doesn't want to admit it. "Don't they need you?" She opts for instead.
"We are in times of relative peace now. I have some time to do with as I please. Eventually I will have to go back and if I am needed my generals know my approximate location."
"Alright." Clarke says.
"Alright?" Lexa questions unsure of what this means.
"Alright you can stay. I need to go back to my camp and get my things and then we can take off to wherever."
Clarke makes the short walk back to her tent and starts packing up her things. She finds herself excited for the first time in a long time. She set out to see the beauty of the Earth and maybe now without battles to be fought and people to save with Lexa by her side maybe she will be able to see other sides to the commander. She had glimpsed them before but maybe now without war raging around them she will get to see them fully. Clarke is ready to walk into the future and accept her fate.