A/N: Thanks to Kelsey for beta-ing and being awesome. Actually, I'm dedicating it to her. Kind-a-sorta a songfic, based on Heartbeats by the Knife.

Your eyes were bluer than ever, blue, even in the darkness of a summer night. We had spent the day at your house, riding bikes through the neighborhood, drinking lemonade and causing general mayhem. Dinner and two showers later, we were lying on your bed in shorts and tank tops. You were on your stomach, laughing at something I said. I guess you realized I was staring at you, blond hair falling in damp waves around your face. It tickled, because then your hair was on my neck and face. Your lips were just so close, and before I knew it you were kissing me, and I kissed you back, and you tasted like toothpaste and smelled like shampoo.

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth

After a while, you pulled away gently, and before I knew it you were asleep and I was left staring up at your ceiling in the sticky night. It felt simple before, but now I was alone with your steady breathing and the darkness closing in on me. We had kissed…I had kissed you. A girl. All those Sundays at Mass, and Mami ranting scathingly about esos maricónes, for what? For me, kissing you, and feeling like there was nothing better in the world?

We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

We didn't talk about it. One, two years went by, and it was high school next year. Next week, actually. Me and you against the world. Late August, and we were talking excitedly about it all; the party we were going to next week, our classes, joining Cheerios—and boys.

I was the one who brought it up, and I swear there was something in your eyes that damn near broke my heart. It was like you yourself weren't aware of it—you kept giggling and laughing and talking about how fine Puck was getting, or how awkward Finn had always been.

It was a silent promise between us—we wouldn't talk about it. You wanted to, though, but I was so scared, and you let me lie to you.

Both under influence
We had divine sense

I saw what they did to Kurt. He wasn't even out yet, but his fashion sense and perfectly coiffed hair gave them an excuse torture him.

And then I got so, so mean. I had a knack for brutal honesty and witty lines, and pretty soon I had them all wrapped around my finger.

You and I fell behind Quinn, perfect transfer student that she was, and pretty soon we were on top of everything. Anything less than perfect made us losers, and failures, and I just couldn't become that.

To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

We said were just best friends, and we were willing to do anything. Or at least, I was. We went to so many parties, and at one, Puck kissed me, and I let him. I let him. He was my first, when you should have been. But it worked, for a while. Quinn got Finn, I got Puck, and you got everyone else. It was how it had to be.

And we still didn't talk about it.

We lied, and lied, and lied, pretending to love and accept who we were becoming.

To call for hands of above
To lean on

Who could help me? Who would understand, besides you?

Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no
One night of magic rush
The start, a simple touch

The summer brought some form of peace—Puck left me alone, off doing his stupid pool cleaning.

We hung out every day, just like we used to, but there was a heaviness between us.

We came into your house one night, screen door smacking the frame behind us. Your parents were gone, and I was heading upstairs when you took my hand. I turned confused, and you were so beautiful right then, staring at me with the sincerest of smiles. Your blond hair was loose and tangled, a few beads of sweat glistening on your forehead.

I didn't even think about it. I wanted to kiss you, so I did.

You weren't even surprised; it's like you knew what kind of hold you had on me. You were smiling, and you kissed me all the way to your room.

It was the best night of my life.

One night to push and scream

We had a new silent agreement. Those special moments we had, away from everyone, were not to be discussed.

I forgave you for "if it were, Santana and I would be dating." It's not like anyone really cared or noticed. But when you wanted to sing with me, I panicked. What would they say? What would the school think? What would my parents say?

And I let you slip away from me.

And then relief

But the next time you asked, I gave in. I gave in to everything I had ever felt; on that first night four years ago, during the summer before sophomore year, every time you sang and danced in glee club, every time you smiled at me, every time you linked your pinky with mine.

I sang you Landslide. For a second there, I thought you were mine. I gave you what you had wanted, and I thought that was all you needed.

I was wrong. You had found someone else who gave you what you had wanted from me, and I was too late.

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue

I tried to let you know that I would do anything. I wore the shirt. I sang you Songbird. But I still wasn't ready.

"I can't."

I felt like such a coward.

We had a promise made
We were in love

I had promised you, but I couldn't. Not yet.

To call for hands of above
To lean on

I was stupid. I thought that maybe, if I won prom queen, I could have it easy. I could have you and not have to lose anything.

But you were right. I wasn't being myself.

Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

"I believe in you."

You believed in me. I could do this myself. I didn't need Holly Holiday to help me.I didn't need any songs to speak for me.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

It would take time, and you knew it. You knew it, but you understood it, so when I called you up to ask if you want to hang out after prom, you agreed.

But lying there, in the grass of your backyard at midnight, I felt better. We didn't even have to speak-just holding hands in silence was enough, and I started to think, in the back of my head, that maybe I could be brave enough sooner.

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no

Now, sitting next to you, on our way to Nationals, I feel it. Your head leans against the wall of the airplane, your pinky linked in mine as you sleep. Even with my fear of flying, I feel safe next you.

And I know it.

I'm ready.