Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me unfortunately…sigh…
The lyrics at the end are Take it All by Adele. It's one of the only songs that's brought tears to my eyes. It's very Fiona from early season 3
A/N This is a very short one shot that came about after I watched a re run of the season 3 episode Signals and Codes.
This is set after that episode and up until some point around Friends like these and Long way back. Although it doesn't follow what actually happened in those episodes.
I have been craving to write angst for a while and since writing baby fic has turned my brain to mush, I just had to get this out of my system.
Huge thanks to Purdy's Pal for reading through this for me. This is especially for TDCSI who has been asking me for angst.
Take It All
"If you truly care about me then you would damn well want for me what I want for myself."
Fiona's eyes flashed with pain when his words sliced through her but she averted her gaze so that he couldn't see how painful it had been to hear. Swallowing hard she forced the heartache away and instead replaced it with as much strength as she could.
"If that's what you want," she managed to say before her voice wavered slightly. Standing up quickly she moved away from the table and stopped beside him. "I'll be with you."
He didn't call her back as she walked away, tears welling in her eyes. And in those heartbreaking few seconds she finally got his message loud and clear. His job would always come first, just like before when he left her in the middle of the night. She finally understood.
When she closed the loft door and stood on the steps outside she took a deep breath as she swiped at the tears on her face. There would be no more crying over a man who neither wanted nor desired her. He wanted her help, she could do that, and as soon as it was over she would leave him for good.
When she got back to her house she closed the door behind her and looked around the darkened room. Swallowing back the sadness she moved towards the bathroom and peeled off her clothes as she walked. She needed to wash the remnants of this day off of her so that she could start anew tomorrow as a new, unfeeling Fiona Glenanne.
Turning on the shower she stood underneath the hot sprays and let the water wash over her body. The water cleansed the newly falling tears that seeped from her eyes and washed them away with the rest of her past, taking it down the drain with the swirling water.
When she stepped out of the shower her skin was red where she had scrubbed so hard, trying to remove the bitterness of the last few hours off of her body. She wanted so much to show Michael Westen that she didn't want him in her life, but her heart wouldn't seem to listen. In that one moment it suddenly became clear what she had to do to fix this whole mess.
Drying herself off she moved towards her bed and climbed inside. She was grateful that she'd washed the sheets since he'd stayed over a few nights ago. The last thing she needed was the scent of him on her sheets when it was hard enough to erase him from her heart and mind.
Closing her eyes she tried to immerse herself into sleep but her mind wouldn't cooperate. Everything he'd said to her over the last few days bombarded her senses until she sat up to reach for the phone beside her bed.
Dialling her brother's number she waited until she heard the line connect and the familiar two tone ringing of the UK phone lines, until a voice answered at the other end.
"Sean," she spoke softly in her native tongue. "Tell mammie I'm coming home in a few weeks."
000
The next morning Fiona heard her phone ringing and picked it up to look down at the caller ID. Michael's name flashed up on the screen and for a few moments she listened to it ring, debating on whether to answer until the phone returned to silence. Finally after he rang again no more than a few seconds later, she pressed the phone on and put it to her ear.
"Yes."
"Fiona?"
"Yeah, I'm here. What do you need?" she kept her voice even, unwilling to let him hear how much her heart was aching.
Her question must have thrown him for a moment because she heard his breath hitch before he spoke again.
"Can you meet me at the loft? There's something I need you to see."
"What is it?" she asked as she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Do you want me to call Sam on the way?"
"No…uh…just you…"
"Okay, I'll be there in an hour," she sighed heavily and clicked off the phone before holding it close to her cheek. Her abrupt ending of that phone call would already be ringing alarm bells inside the already stoic Michael Westen, but if she was going to do this she couldn't show him that she cared, not any more.
Throwing the phone onto the bed, she climbed out and moved towards her closet and searched through the various outfits hanging up inside. She couldn't decide whether to torture him with one of her usual short outfits or cover herself from head to toe. She decided on the former, after all, it was cold in Ireland this time of year and she would have no choice but to cover herself.
Grabbing one of her favourite dresses from the hanger, she moved towards the bathroom, determination in every step.
000
Michael looked up when the loft door opened and she stepped inside. She could see the catch in his breath when he saw the vast expanse of skin she had on show. His eyes sparked with fire and she felt some sense of satisfaction that he wouldn't be getting anything from her, not ever again.
Moving towards him she stood at the other side of the kitchen counter and watched him expectantly. She was proud of herself for keeping the spark out of her eyes and the shudder from her heart. She loved him, she would always love him, but there was an invisible fine line between them and he'd moved so far away from her that it had become blurred.
When he didn't speak she took the lead and pulled his key out of her pocket and placed it onto the counter before him. She saw his eyes drop onto it before shooting up to hers with sudden fear.
"Fi…"
"You want your old life back," she told him with soft determination. Her heart was thudding inside her chest and her eyes were burning with unshed tears, but she would not cry in front of him again, not ever.
"Fi…last night…I…"
"You told me what you wanted Michael," she told him fiercely before her voice could betray her. "So this is me giving you what you want…I…" she swallowed hard. "I'm giving you your life back."
His eyes flashed to hers and he stood up to move towards her but she moved away.
"I can't do this if you touch me," she told him quickly, her voice starting to waver as she spoke. "I'm giving you what you want. You can put your life back to where it was before you met me, and you can't do that while I'm here."
"What?" he gasped as he reached out a hand to grasp hold of her arm. "No, that's not what I want."
"Yes it is," she told him through blurred eyes and she blinked at the tears desperately. "You want your old job back, that's all you want Michael…so…" she snatched her arm from his grasp and stepped away from him. "I'm going home."
Michael's mouth opened and he tried to move for her again but she backed away and practically ran towards the loft door. She opened it and stepped out before she could change her mind. She had to let him move on just like she needed to let herself move on. When she made the slow walk down the metal steps she allowed a tear to escape and roll down her cheek before swiping it away. It was time she put Michael Westen and Miami behind her….
Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right
Did I let you down
Maybe you got too used to
By having me around
Still how can you walk away
From all my tears.
It's gonna be an empty road
Without me right here
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all
With my love
Take it all
With my love
Maybe I should leave
To have you see
Nothing is better than this
And this is everything we need
So is it over?
Is this really you've given up so easily?
I thought you loved me more than this
I would change if I must
Slow it down and bring it home
I will adjust.
Oh if only, if only you knew
Everything I do
Is for you