It was five o'clock on Friday evening, and film classes were finally over. Dez hurried grabbed his things, pranced across the parking lot to his car, and settled in for a cozy drive homeward. Friday nights had to be the highlight of his week. An entire weekend-full of possibilities-lay ahead of him. He couldn't help but feel excited at the prospect of two whole days to do as he pleased. His hand found the radio in his quest to find some music to reflect his mood. "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…." the singer's resonant voice filled the air. Dez quickly turned off the radio in disgust. There was no way he wanted to listen to Christmas music, not after what had happened last Christmas. His hands tightened their grasp on the wheel as the tears came to his eyes. Just yesterday, this station had been playing the top 40. Why had they sunk to the level of blindly following tradition?
Dez sighed. He had been avoiding Christmas for weeks, but now that December was here that appeared impossible. Christmas music was everywhere, and tonight his roommate had begged him to help decorate the Christmas tree. He had promised to help, and he now found himself wondering why he had. If anything, he felt like sitting in his room and watching his own movies until the day was over instead of following the dictates of someone else's holiday tradition. He didn't want to be a party-pooper, but he was just not ready to face the holidays yet.
"Savor Christmas", a voice that sounded like his mom echoed through his head. He smiled at the thought. She had been saying that to him every year since he was a little boy. It had honestly been a little bit puzzling to his since there had never been a time when he hadn't loved Christmas. He always spent his entire year looking forward to the holidays begging his parents to get a tree earlier and earlier so that the season could magically happen sooner. There was nothing like the bright lights on the tree and the smell of fresh pine. His excitement at the prospects of the season knew no bounds. Every day brought new adventures—caroling, baking, shopping, and gift wrapping. When Christmas morning finally came, his excitement always left him unable to sleep. The gift exchange could never quite live up to his expectations, but the hours of relaxing with his parents and sister that followed restored his faith in the season in a way nothing else could.
His appreciation of the season had only deepened with the years. No longer was he hung up on bright lights and new toys. Instead, he rested his hopes on spending time with family and friends. He relished the opportunity to shower those he loved with little reminders of the love he felt every day, and Christmas music inspired his like none other with its declaration of a future filled with peace, love, and joy. Besides, there was nothing like knowing that beyond it all lay a new year bound to be better and brighter than the past. No longer were the quiet, lonely hours of Christmas morning a burden. Instead, he spent the time bustling around the kitchen preparing a breakfast of sloppy pancakes and coffee. When everyone awoke, there was a quiet breakfast and an early morning reading of the Christmas story. He still loved the gift exchange although now he looked forward to the smiles on the faces of the others rather than his own gifts. Best of all, though, was the time they spent together afterwards, talking and laughing, playing games and singing carols. Usually just remembering that Christmas was coming brought a smile to his face, but this year it only made his feel like he was going to cry.
Last Christmas had been one to remember. It was the last one of high school, the last one with team Austin. Most significantly, it was the time when he had finally gotten up his courage to tell Trish about how he felt about her. He had been crushing on her since they met. Ever since he had quietly ended things with Carrie, he had been looking for the perfect opportunity to finally say something. Everything that had happened over the holiday had lead him to believe that she liked him too. When they had been so tired that they had ended up camping outside the door of the practice room, she had leaned on his shoulder and intertwined her fingers with his. And he would never be able to forget the look that she had given him when they had ended up under the mistletoe at Santa's workshop. For a split second, it had honestly appeared as if she wanted to kiss him.
On Christmas eve, her family had come over dinner as they had done every year since Donna and Anahi had become friends. As the parents spent time catching up in the living room, the kids headed down to the basements to watch their favorite zaliens movie. Once they all got settled in, Dez had volunteered to go up to the kitchen for some snacks and drinks. To his surprise, Trish had followed him saying that she wanted to make sure that he actually got what she wanted. She had finally caught up to him in the kitchen doorway where they once again ended up under the mistletoe—this time his dad's electronic mistletoe which told them to kiss. He had been unable to hold back and grabbed her shoulders. Staring into her eyes, he told her that he had wanted to kiss her last time but had stopped himself since he would never kiss her if she didn't want to. He had pleaded with her on the grounds of the look on her face last time. She had said no quietly, released herself from his grasp, and slunk down to the basement. His heart had sunk, and it had been with difficulty that he had dried his tears and forced himself to go back to the basement to start the movie.
Surviving the next few days had taken all of the pluck he had. His heart was burdened with a swirling mass of emotions making everything, even the family gift exchange, incredibly difficult. Trish wasn't the only girl he could marry, but she really mattered to him. He had always believed that when he found the girl he truly loved, she would love him too. Yet, Trish who knew him inside and out had brushed him aside like he didn't matter at all. A future without the girl he loved looked strangely nebulous and uncertain. He felt entirely disillusioned, but he had continued on regardless moving out to LA and starting film school. He honestly would have thought that he had had moved on despite a strange feeling that somehow the holidays weren't going to be easy this year. So far, he'd been trying to avoid Christmas hoping that he could keep dealing with the pain in the future. But that, he now realized, was impossible.
Christmas was coming whether he wanted it to or not. The only part he could control was his attitude, and he could see now that it was wrong. He had no right to drag others down into the depths of his disappointment. Besides, why should he despise an opportunity to show love to others? He would drum up some Christmas spirit even it took every ounce of pluck he had left. He would be cheerful as his roommate setup his tree, and he would listen to Christmas music. As he reached out for the radio, he realized he couldn't do it. There was no way that he could make himself do something that would cause himself so much pain. He just was not feeling it.
As much as he wanted Christmas to be a series of activities he did, it wasn't. Every tradition he had done in the past had not been a mere activity, but rather an outflow of the joy that filled his heart. This year, though, that joy was gone, and nothing he could do would bring it back. Sure, he could deal with some of the residual feelings from the situation with Trish, but that wouldn't turn on the excitement. "The excitement…." he thought. That was the piece of the puzzle that he was missing.
In the past, Christmas had been all about expectation—a mall trip tomorrow, opening gifts on Christmas morning, the endless possibilities of next year. He had always been too busy anticipating the future to really be able to savor any of it. That had to be why his mom had always been reminding his to stop and enjoy Christmas. Sure, the holidays did bring much to look forward to, but that was not what it was all about. In all of his busyness, he had forgotten to remember everything that he had been given. His focus on the bright hopes of next year had kept his from remembering the hope that was the reason he got up every morning. He had so much to be thankful for. He should not let one disappointment from savoring what he had. No, he'd use last Christmas not as a reason for harboring bitterness but rather as a painful, yet beautiful reminder to live his life in the light of the gifts that he had been given.
Author's note: Despite this heartrending ending, I still do see a happily ever after for Trez. I will be surprised if we get to see it in the series, but I firmly believe that sooner or later Trish and Dez will get together. Hope you enjoyed this despite its sad overtones. Merry Christmas, Trez shippers! Hope you have very happy holidays!