It Will Be Me
Kathryn,
Today you left me to give yourself to the borg and as I wait and worry and hope for your safe return I realise that although I told you I would always be with you I never explained what that meant for me or for you. It's important to me that you understand and that's why I'm writing this letter, so that when you return and I can once again take my place beside you, you will read this and know why you need me there.
From the moment I first materialised on Voyager's bridge I knew that you would need my help. My maquis crew would never accept your authority without my leadership. Even within the Starfleet crew there were bound to be times when they resented you and the decisions that you would make. The two crews have become one but when someone needs to remind them that you are the captain it will be me.
You made me your first officer and put your trust in me. It was a courageous choice and one that I'm not sure I would have made had our positions been reversed. I value that trust and the faith you put in my judgement. The advice that I offer you is not always taken but I know that you will consider it. We work well together and we will always be stronger as a team. You need someone to help you shoulder the burden of command. It will be me.
We were stranded together on New Earth and you told me we were no longer in a command structure. I came to know the woman instead of the captain and I found my best friend. The life and home that we had begun to build together were ripped apart when Voyager returned but our friendship continued. It was hard at first as we struggled to integrate our personal relationship into our professional lives. The friendship has been tested, strained almost to breaking point but ultimately has grown stronger and deeper. Everyone needs a friend and you are no exception. You are more than just the captain, you have a name and you need to hear it. When someone calls you Kathryn it will be me.
I know that sometimes the weight of command sits heavily on your shoulders. The safety of your ship and the well-being of your crew are the most important things in your life. Voyager's needs will always come before your own. You struggle with the decisions that you are forced to make and sometimes when you look back you wonder whether the choices you made were the right ones. At such times you are overcome by feelings of guilt and despair and you retreat into your quarters to hide from your crew. When you need someone to lead you out of the darkness it will be me.
Life in the Delta Quadrant is hard for all of us but especially so for you. Cut off from the support of Starfleet Command you are the only person on board who has no-one they can defer to in making that final call. Even when you are off-duty you are still the captain of the ship with nowhere to go to escape the pressures of command. Over the last year you have become more and more the captain and I have wondered where my friend was hidden but then I catch a brief glimpse of Kathryn and know that somewhere beneath the mask of control and command she is still there. Do you see her I wonder? Who are you when you are alone? When we return to the Alpha Quadrant and you are free to be only Kathryn will you still remember how? When you need a friend to help you rediscover Kathryn it will be me.
I saw your face at Tom and B'Elanna's wedding, just for a moment I caught the longing in your eyes, the need to love and be loved. You can have that Kathryn, you just have to look in the right place. You won't find love in fleeting affairs with alien men who will use you and then abandon you. You won't find love with a hologram, you need flesh and blood not photons and energy. You don't need to search for love, it isn't far away. Don't be afraid to open your heart, this love will never leave you. The man who loves you is waiting beside you and when you are ready to turn around and reach out it will be to me.
I need you Kathryn simply because I love you. When I told you that I would always be with you I meant it. I will be there as your first officer, as your friend and as the man who loves you. I will be there because I believe that when you discover the one thing you need most in your life it will be me.
Chakotay