Hi, this is my first fan fiction and I just wanna say that I'm sry if there are many mistakes (grammar and spelling one). I'm not so good at English and kinda still learn it. Soo yeah. Please give a review and tell me if writing stories are a total no-go for me or not. I would like to hear your opinion. Also I got inspired by a song called "im Ascheregen by Casper". The lyrics is translated to English so you understand it, but I didn't translated it by myself. I just copied it from an internet page.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Flash

The story plays part at a time/timeline, where Killer Frost didn't betrayed Savitar. It's after S3 but all what happens in S4 didn't happens yet or will never.

This is not a final goodbye, because I was never welcome

I want to fly up and away and never come back

No farewells, I don't want to know you

The city must burn

Killer Frost opens her eyes and finds herself in a med bed in STAR Labs. Around her is this blond ex-lackey of Savitar, called Julian and next to him a worried Cisco Ramon.

Old memories hushed thru her head. Memories of him, memories of Ronnie, memories of Barry. All her memories. No, its been not hers. All those memories were Caitlin Snow's.

Anger took over her by that realisation and she shoot cold all over the room. The cold hits Cisco and Julian like a little push. She stood up and left the room. After a few seconds she hears steps which indicates that someone was following her.

"Caitlin! Please." She heard her name screamed by Cisco. Well not her name because her name was Killer Frost. Caitlin Snow died a long time ago. But still she stopped.

"Stay, or else... " He says. She looks over her shoulder and sees him, how he helds his hands like he always does, when he is about to shot a blast. She turns around and looks in his brown eyes and says "or else what? You shoot me? We both, you and I, know you won't, because you know that it would change nothing."

"This time I will." He says and looks serious as hell.

"Bummer, you already said it the last two times and you know what? Nothing happened. It's gonna be boring."

After a short break she says "I tell you what. Here I am." Killer Frost made a step to him and spread her arms so that he has a free shoot at her. "Shoot but make sure you kill me. I'm tired. Tired of our cat and mouse game. Why can't you forget me?"

"Because, I love you Caitlin. You are my sister." Cisco says.

Sadness and more Anger goes thru Killer Frost.

"Like I said before. Caitlin Snow died. I'm Killer Frost. When do you start to understand who I really am? But who am I telling this?"

"Caitlin... " This time it was Julian who spoke.

Frost ignores him and says to Cisco "Just let me go or... " but before she could finish her sentence, she stopped herself.

'He would never join me and if he does it would never be because of me but because of her. The one I was and not the person I'm now.' The woman thought.

"You know I can't let you go. You are hurting people. Damn it Caitlin, you teamed up with Savitar and together, you destroyed half of Central City. You literally burned and froze it down." She looks in Cisco's face and only sees sadness.

A little smirk appears on her face of memories of her and Savitar. But reality takes her back and she turns cold and emotionless again.

"There is no reason for me to stay. Savitar is gone. You took him from me. So fuck, let me leave. You guys already took everything matters from me. You already destroyed my life. Do you want to even take my freedom, my free will?" She shouted.

"Your freedom? What freedom? You decided to have no freedom since you teamed up with the speedster and destroyed half of the city. Caitlin, the entire police department is after you! You already lost it." Julian said.

Frost felt annoyed by him. Why on God's sake was he still here?

And Barry? Where is he? Right. Celebrating with Iris a party, preparing their dumb wedding on HR's ashes because he died for them. But she knows that the love of these two won't take long. She saw it in Savitars eyes. Would they know what she knows, they wouldn't plan their wedding at all.

She looks back to Cisco. He was pitiful and still believes that his good doctor will come back to him.

"I see Vibe, you still have hope. Hope that Caitlin Snow will come back one day but she won't and even if she would, you really think she wants to be here? Here, where memories will hunt her down. Where people died because of her? People she loved, people who were loved and had a family? Well I don't care but she will. So why don't you let me go? Leave this damn City. Let me build my own life and maybe if she had to wake up, it would have been her choice to come back. If you really care for her. You would take the chance. You know, whether I leave in peace and never come back or you try to stop me, give me a reason to stay and burn - pardon - freeze this place down."

Cisco hesitates. She really could see how he is thinking about his options and what he should do, what would be the best for all of them but then he gives in and lowers his hands. With that she looks one last time at him, turns around and leaves this place for ever.

And again from behind, foot on the Gas, in a good year

Immediately away, no sorrows, without focus driving to the future

That's the only way to live without risks

Every night long: I sleep testing the coffin

Throw a match in the wind upon my life

A moment just back, around your buildings burning in the sight in the ashfall

Just look how all the plans fall down

We burn down slowly, then go with the big bang Ah!

"Wake up beauty" Frost hears a familiar voice, which is trying to wake her up. A soft touch on her cheeks made her open her eyes. Right in front of her is Savitar, pulling a strain of hair out of her face. Sitting on her bed and his eyes gazing at her, therefore she smiles.

"How are you?" he asked her. It was the first time she really saw him smile and heard him speak in such a soft voice. Underneath his eyes, where huge dark circles, like he haven't slept at all. "I'm fine." She says and was about to stand up as Savitar stopped her and speaks "slow down. I'm suppose to be the fast one, not you." He smirks at her and continues "you got hit really badly from Ciscos blast yesterday. It knocked you out for a few hours."

"I was worried... " Savitar stood up and walks thru the room not being able to look at her. His voice turns cold as he continues "worried that my plan may not succeed. You know? I need you in all your strength for my plan."

Frost just nods and asks "Is Tracy dead? Did you kill her?"

Silence remains which made her realise that he didn't. The white haired woman stood up, walked next to him and says "You didn't."

Savitar looks in her blue eyes and spoke with his dark voice "I had to decide whether to save you and the plan or go after her, a little minor scientist... "

"Blah blah blah." Frost stopped him. Savitar looks in disbelief at her. Like how did she dare to interrupt him.

"How long are you thinking you can fool me? Come on. I'm not dumb. You care for me. You just pull the plan-card to justify your actions. Behind the pretty face of yours is still the man who cares and has feelings."

Frost was only one inch away from his face. She could feel his breath on her skin and his look made her shiver.

"That man died many years ago."

She smirks at him and says "not really."

"Such words from a self called 'cold-hearted' woman." He takes a short break until he keeps talking "But you are right I do and always will care for you. And... And I'm the happiest as long as I have you on my site. It took me long to see that. Very long. But I know the truth. And the truth is, we will reign over Central City, together. Making each other happy and let all the pain slip away." He looks to the side, not being able to look at her. She notices that it took much for him to say that.

Her hand slides to the back of his head so she can pull him closer to her. She closes her eyes and kisses him. He touches her waist and deepen the kiss. A small smile appears on both. First it was slow and careful but it turns fast into a passionated kiss.

*bang*

Frost rips her eyes open, just to see a dark empty room. As she realized that all was just a dream from her past, she takes the bottle of vodka, which was next to her bed. To her unfortunate the bottle was already empty.

"You do live a healthy life" A sarcastic voice took her by surprise and she turns around, to see a young man. His hands in the pockets of his dark jeans and he is having a chilled posture and is resting against the wall.

'Another One-night stand? I can't remember him, was I so drunken last night? No. Also he isn't really my type. So there is no way I sleept with him, right? ' she thought.

"You know for such a pretty woman like you are, it can be really dangerous to live in such a place, especially with no locks to keep you save." he said

She looks at him confused "who are you?"

"Well it does not matter. All you need to know is that I just wanted to rob you, which by the way was easy for me to come in, especially since your door was open. But unfortunately you don't have any thing but alcohol."

"Wow you have a dead wish telling me that."

"That's what you say? It's 10am and you already drink vodka, live in a dark pity room with no locks or food. You almost sleep in a coffin. One leg in a grave." he says and shakes his head.

"You don't know me. I don't need any healthy tips from you. So leave before I kick your ass out of my apartment."

The man raises both his hands with a grin and is about to leave as he said "I have seen many people down. Standing on a cliff only one step before they fall. You are one of them. I can tell. I don't know what happened but all I know is that the people who love you wouldn't want you to be like that."

"I don't have any people who love me." She smirks at him and points with her head to the door.

She hears the door fall close. Her headache from the alcohol was gone and she starts to feel normal again. Her healing powers must have kicked in. She walked to a closet and takes some pills out. She had produced them for getting drunk. She worked on that for years now, to help Barry to get drunk but she never gave or told him of these because they have some unexpectable side effects. She looks down to the pills and hesitates to take some.

'I don't have any people who love me.' she thinks again. 'But is this really the life I want?' She looks down to the pills again. She has been there before. Rethinking it all but back there she decided not to care and stay on that path. She could feel the pills in her hand screaming to get used.

A third heating oil, two thirds gasoline

Eyes and hearts are dynamites

A third heating oil, two thirds gasoline

Tired with your plan and your goal

*Central City*

Killer Frost looks around. Nothing really has changed since the last time. It is just dirtier than before. Full of dust.

Old memories flashed in her mind.

-"Wake up beauty"- she could still hear Savitars voice.

She looks around in the hope that he may be back but still their lair is empty.

-Her kissing him for the first time. Her hand at the back of his head, pulling him closer. His hands on her waist.-

As she walks around her fingertips glides at the wall,

-Savitar pressing her against the wall. Her thighs around his waist and they still not taking away their lips from each other. Until they both noticed the lack of air. They take apart but not for long. One breathe later he is kissing her neck.-

...at the table

-she is sitting at the table and he is standing between her thighs. Him, taking of his shirt. His upper body marked with burnings like the one of his face. His shy look at the ground and her cupping his face with her cold hands so he is looking at her and she is looking at him and then a passionated kiss between the two. His hot tongue on her cold one. -

...and finally the bed.

-where she woke up in his arms, turned around to steal some kisses from him to wake him up. Lying in the bed together for hours, ignoring their plan and just living the moment until they have to keep going on. -

A tear falls down her cheeks because she knows that he may never come back to her. She leaves the building and looks back one last time. With that she finally takes a line from her past with Savitar. She goes in her car, a black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, which she has stolen and drives away. Able to live a better life without the pain but still with the memories and the acceptance.

And again the holy water is running out for the citizens of Nay-sayers City

The preacher preaches but we know it's all doomed to fall down

the wait for the vain day is over, the one that never comes

I'm in aboard on the car, away and sated from the front

No stepping back, away from here nothing in between

Heat presses; look long into the abyss, and it looks back

Rather have a new beginning than what the old promises

Never to return and thanks for nothing, thanks for nothing