Chapter 1 - Bittersweet

"Look, I don't wanna be your boyfriend if we're just gonna fight all the time."

"So you wanna break up?"

"No, I didn't say that! I'm just saying..."

And then she's throwing something at something Trina said, but I don't care. Because all I see is the same girl that I've been dating for two years. The same short-tempered, insecure, stubborn, enigma of a girl. And I can't take it.

It used to be a routine; a fun routine where I'd break down a piece of her wall and she'd let me in…little by little. And then finally, finally, I broke through and I stayed. She let me and I was so ecstatic.

Then the walls were slowly building. It wasn't a gradual formation – no she built that wall like her life depended on it. I thought that I was her life…or at least a part of it. Before I could even talk to her about it, I was being blocked in. Because whatever issue I had with her it didn't matter because she had let me in and that's all that mattered. I was a prisoner of my own doing.

"I'm tired of fighting." What was once a joyful routine, became a miserable obligation.

"Okay. I'm gonna walk out that door... And I'm gonna count to ten."

And then Cat says something about forgetting 'three'. It was adorable but I just didn't want to hear it right now. I just wanted to tune out for a while.

"If I get to ten and you're not out there... I'm going home... And we're over. One..."

Trina says she won't ever fight with me and I didn't want to hear that. But man did it sound nice. To never get into a pointless argument on an hourly basis. It was like listening to a siren's song; pure bliss rang into my ears.

"Two... Three... Four..." But I give in. I just can't do that to her. Or do I? Can I? It would be nice to step away again. To have that sense of freedom flowing through me once more.

"Five... Six..."

Then Trina's on my back, literally. I fight her off and for a second, I want to keep fighting with her. Ironic, right? The one thing I want out of in my relationship is the one thing that'll get me out of it. I felt horrible but I wished that everyone didn't intervene and Trina just kept her death grip on me. But at the same time, I'm grateful because I wasn't sure I could get out of Trina's grasp.

"Seven..." I don't know why but the threat of our relationship always gets to me. I can't tell if staying with Jade is more painful than being without her. And I can't tell if I like it or not. Because, really, at some point you just have to ask yourself: Why?

"Eight..." But all those times I came running back to Jade, I just did it. I wasn't thinking. I didn't care because it was another one of those obligations that I needed to do. It was the same routine in our relationship. Routine…heh.

"Nine..." But this time it's different. I think I know what I want. I think I know what I have to do. I've been dipping my toes in both pools of water that now, now, I have to choose one and just dive right in. But they both feel the same, but different altogether.

"Ten." There's a moment of silence, and I just want to break down the door and bring in Jade. Because for all her faults, I love her. I loved her. Loved? Maybe that's what this is now. A chapter closed. New words, new pages that I'll be able to write for myself and explore new avenues of life.

But damn does it hurt. Funny…for all the scripts I've read, for all the emotions I brought out within myself, I can't express this one. Except for numb. Numb in the way I decided things for myself. Maybe a part of me thought this was right…that this was time.

I instantly regretted letting Jade go. Two years of my life behind a door that I didn't continue to open. Two years of prying open the most mysterious girl I knew; two years of loving the only girl I thought I could love; two years of sharing myself, opening myself, and making new memories with the only girl I thought I wanted to share them with.

But it was also two years of heartache; two years of regret; two years of doubts and what ifs that I didn't step into. Two years of insecurities and arguments about things that didn't matter. Two years of running around like a love sick puppy that never opened his eyes, until now, to a girl that only cared about herself.

Two years of all that. But it'll be two years that will be cherished for a lifetime. To reminisce about the days that were simple, lovable, and hard. Years that are behind me now, and I have to start making new ones.

I stand there with my hand on the door handle. My heart felt so heavy that I needed to do something to distract myself. I run my hand through my hair. But it's not enough. Then suddenly, I remember where I am. Tori's house. We came to Tori's house to hang out with them.

So I look around and I see my friends standing in front of me. Cat's semi-oblivious, maybe she's trying to mask it like I am. Andre's resigned, like he's seen this before, but now it seems like it doesn't, because I stare at him for a second and he gets it. He shows me with the slump of his shoulders, the drop of his head, and a sigh of sorrow. He gets it. Robbie's just laying over Trina who's just staring at me, creepily.

Then there's Tori. I've seen her sad only a handful of times but the most has to be when she's acting. It's just so plain obvious that she's trying to be sad. She hates being sad…maybe that's how she pulls it off. Acting all sad makes her sad.

Now I know she's not acting because when I stare into Tori's eyes, she instantly drops her supportive façade. Even though her shoulders slump and she lets out a breath, she doesn't drop her head. She stares at me, into me. Unlike Andre, she doesn't get it. Hell, I don't think she wants to.

I hate it when she's sad. It doesn't suit her.

I glance behind them and notice that the patio isn't being used. "Do you mind if I…" I trail off as I walk around them, trying to get to the backdoor.

"Yeah, no, go ahead," Tori answers. I don't make eye contact with anyone else as I walk to the door. I don't know why, but I feel her eyes on me, as if gauging my emotions.

"Thanks." I pull open the door and step out into the cool night air. I gently close the door and make my way around the back. I don't want them to see me. And I don't want to see any of them…at least…

I stand there and take a deep breath; taking it all in, finally. I had just truly ended the longest relationship I had been in, and now…now I'm alone. But that's what I wanted, right? All the fighting, second guessing of the healthiness of our relationship all lead to this… this moment where I'm standing in the cold night of Tori's backyard patio thinking about how I'm going to restart my life.

I gave the world a sigh, a signal to let it know that it got what it wanted…whatever it was.

I head towards the wicker sofa and took a seat. Maybe if I sat down and planned out something it would get my mind off things. That's what I told myself at least. Because before I knew what was happening, I was interrupted. The backdoor slowly opened and out came Tori. She was still wearing her striped cardigan and tight jeans and I assumed she was just checking on me after a few minutes.

"Hey." She smiled tentatively, and I could tell she didn't want to be here if I didn't want her company. But I did; I always loved being around her. "I was just wondering if you're alright. You've been here for an hour."

Okay, maybe it has been more than a few minutes. "Um, wow, an hour…really?" I couldn't believe that I've been sitting here for an hour. I sit up and placed my elbows on my knees, cradling my face with my hands. An hour?

"Yeah. I got kind of worried because it's getting kind of late and you were out here in the cold. I wanted to come out but Andre told me that you probably needed the space. He said you needed to cool off. Heh." I looked up at her and she had a genuine smile, small as it was, across her gorgeous face. I smiled in response, hoping to ease her tension, but I couldn't really tell when she started shivering slightly.

"He's a songwriter, a performer, and now a comedian. The guy's a triple threat." I say as I get up. She doesn't say anything but smiles at my ribbing. I can see it in her eyes. She just made me take my mind off things and was ecstatic that she was able to do so. I gave in really. I hate when she's sad. It's like having a day be ruined before it could start. "C'mon, let's head inside, you're freezing," I said as I placed my hand on her shoulder, coaxing her towards the door.

"Oh, my god," she jumped, "I'm freezing? Beck, your hands are like ice. C'mon, let's hurry. I'll make some hot cocoa." She practically dragged me inside while simultaneously keeping her body close to mine. I don't think she noticed how close we were, but I wasn't about to tell her and remove myself. Not a chance.

Once inside, she continued dragging me to the couch and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. "Okay, I'll be back." As she bounced over to the kitchen, I stole a glance at her form. I didn't take long to admire her before the coldness really kicked in and I was feeling it to my core. Involuntarily, my body shook and I quickly blew hot air into my hands, vigorously rubbing them together.

I was suddenly on full alert, so I took a look around and I noticed that everyone was gone and that the table was clean; any evidence of it being used was neatly put away. "Where is everyone?" I asked her. She just placed the two mugs of something into the microwave when she turned around and looked at me.

She gave another tentative smile. "They went home a half hour after you went outside." Dammit I was making her uncomfortable again. Her knees were touching, she was slightly bending them, and she was wringing her hands.

"Ah. They were tired of you taking their money, huh?"

"We were playing for snacks but yeah. I'd get a little crabby if someone kept taking my gummy bears; especially if they were the sour kind."

"Ooh, I think I'd lose my chiz over that."

"Yeah." There was a moment of silence between us and I feared that I was going to make her uncomfortable again. What am I saying; if she was comfortable talking to me there wouldn't be a moment of silence between us, at least not an uncomfortable silence.

But it was like someone was looking out for me who was trying to look out for Tori, because the sound of the microwave beeping instantly blared throughout the entirety of the kitchen and living room area. "Yay, milk's done," she cheered. I watched for a moment as she took the mugs out the microwave and placed them on the island in her kitchen.

I didn't want there being an awkward air around us as we sipped on hot cocoa, so I grabbed the remote and turned on her TV. I wasn't really interested in whatever was playing, so I just tuned into MTV and lowered the volume enough where it wasn't distracting. Moments later, a cheerful Tori sat beside me with two steaming mugs of hot cocoa, which smelled heavenly. "Here you are, monsieur: a cup of hot cocoa." I eagerly took the mug from her hand and boy did it feel nice. It was soothingly warm against my frigid hands.

"Why thank you, madame. I really am grateful for this, Tori. My hands are like ice."

Man, why did she have to smile? I love it when she smiles. "You're welcome."

We turned our attention to the TV, mindlessly watching the program. I couldn't pay attention, not with a million thoughts bouncing through my brain. But there was one thought that stood out from the rest. "I'm surprised that your parents didn't kick me out sooner. I thought they'd be against the whole 'boy-staying-late-and-he-isn't-allowed-any-alone-time-with-my-daughter' thing." I didn't face her, couldn't really, not with a few thoughts idly bouncing around.

"Yeah, well they can't really say anything when they're out of town." I heard her say flatly.

"Oh," I turned my head to her, staring at her cheekbones, "I didn't know." She slowly turned her head to me, smiling weakly at my comment.

"It's cool. They're out for, like, a friend's birthday or something. I wasn't really interested in going, and I kinda wanted to hang out." I knew she meant with everyone else but Jade and I, but I think she was trying to say something else. But I didn't want to press on. The subject obviously a little rocky at the moment. So I just nod my head and we continued to mindlessly watch TV.

There was once again silence in the air, albeit the TV was still on, but it wasn't uncomfortable. We were in a state of Zen, so to say; lost in our own thoughts. "You know, I was kinda losing my mind out there," I said, breaking the silence. "I was thinking that maybe that's it. That there wasn't gonna be anyone out there that was gonna be like…" I trail off, not able to utter her name. I wanted Tori's input, I wanted her to tell me that… well I wanted her to tell me something. So as I stared at her, sympathy and a wave of reassurance rode over me and I felt like I was being foolish. I wasn't alone…I wasn't.

"You're not alone in this, Beck." Her words said a lot, but her eyes told me more. Because within those glistening amber jewels, she was reaching out to me saying, 'I won't let you be alone in all of this.' I honestly couldn't have asked for a better friend than Tori, even if it hit me right in the face.

I opened up my arm in an inviting manner and she obliged me that much. She scooted over and I enveloped the blanket around both of us. She was snuggled underneath my arm, hugging into my chest, and I don't know why but at that moment…it just felt right. It was like all my problems were on hold, like they were taking the backseat to let me have this moment. I was so caught up in the moment that I kissed the top of Tori's head. I slightly tensed at my action, but I relaxed almost immediately because she didn't pull back or voiced any objection to the kiss.

It was different. This moment that I was living was warm and soothing. "Thank you, Tori." I squeezed slightly and she returned it. Although my heart beat increased slightly, I was calm and content. And in that moment we just stayed like that, staring into the TV screen, lost in our own worlds.

"Whenever you need it, Beck. I'll always be here."

It wasn't long until I felt the subtle rise and fall of Tori's shoulders. I carefully leaned forward, and not to my surprise, she was fast asleep. Tori's knees were curled up to her chest and one of her hands were lightly gripping onto my shirt that it looked like…like something that I could get used to. That feeling of contentment rose within me once again and…well I liked it. It was definitely an odd feeling to harbor but it certainly wasn't something that should be turned away.

"I didn't tell you when I was out there," I said quietly, enough to not rouse her from her slumber, "I was thinking of something else. I asked myself if breaking up with Jade was what I wanted. I mean, what kind of boyfriend would want to break up with someone they love, right? Then it hit me. Loved. What kind of person would stay with someone they no longer could love? Or at least love them like before." She slightly shifted, and I felt a little embarrassed that I poured my heart out to a sleeping Tori. But I wanted her to know. I stilled myself as she rubbed on my shirt, and my chest, until she stilled.

"I'll always love Jade, Tori; always. But I'm no longer in love with her. And, now that I'm thinking about it, when did I stop? Because if I no longer felt like I first fell in love with her, then how long did I string her along when she could've been with someone who could love her like she wanted? How long? God, if you were awake you'd probably think I was horrible for letting her be with someone who didn't love her anymore." I silence myself, gathering my thoughts.

"But I guess the heart knows what it wants, right? Heh…I was doubting our relationship, Tori. I was doubting it; I never did that before. Sure, there were times when things were more than rocky between Jade and I, but what relationship doesn't have a rough patch? I guess yours…but I've only ever known you to be with two other guys and you're not with them –" Suddenly, she took a deeper breath than usual, and she let it out slowly. I just smiled.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Not that you're listening or something but still. You're – Anyways, I just wanted to say one thing. I was feeling something else when I was dating Jade. I don't know what it was but, it was something that always caught me off guard and something I could never remember. Until now, that is. It's, like, right at the tip of my tongue…like, I'll know it when I see it, or feel it, or hear it, but I just can't, for the life of me, say it. I don't know if that made any sense, but I think I was feeling something else…for someone? I don't know. Maybe I'm just overthinking things." I silenced myself once more, gathering my thoughts once more. It felt nice to have someone listen, but since it was Tori, it felt selfish to be using her like this.

But one day, maybe not today or tomorrow, but I'll tell her about this one day. "I should probably let you sleep. You don't wanna be hearing any of this." I let the silence blanket us in comfort, relaxing us into a deeper sleep, helping us to reset our days. Before I could let it completely envelop us, I told her one more thing.

"Thank you, Tori. Thanks for being here." As I let sleep overcome my senses and take over my body, I gently tucked her hair behind her ear, softly caressing her face.

A/N: I don't own anything besides the plot.

Um, first fic ever posted...yay? I don't know. I recently have been watching some old school Nickelodeon shows and Victorious was one that I never really finished. Anyways, thanks for getting this far into the story. Constructive criticism is very much welcomed (even if there's a typo, please message me or something...please). I do plan on writing more for this story but I'm not committed to it. I just write when I wanna write.