Rated: T for no apparent reason
Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry.
Wal-Mart Adventures
Vergil sat in the corner of Devil May Cry eating a pack of chocolate pudding. Looking dismally at the bottom, he tossed the empty cup aside to raid the fridge.
"Nothing…Nothing… Cheese in a can?" This invention was new to Vergil, so he grabbed it and stared at it for a long second. Flipping off the cap, he tipped his head back and sprayed the cheese in his mouth. 'Hmm… not bad.' He thought, but the cheese would hardly be any good sustenance. He needs to go to Wal-Mart!
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Vergil walked down the meat isle with his half-demon girlfriend, Jasmyn. She happened to be a recent escapee from the nearby mental institution, but he payed her insanity little heed. Also, did I mention she has ADHD?
"La la la la la, pretty ponies!" She screamed as she skipped down the hygiene isle. Vergil stopped for a moment to pick up a few jars of his favorite hair gel, knowing that would be enough to last him the rest of the day. He would be back soon tomorrow anyways.
Out of nowhere, a random guy with an airsoft gun leaped in front of Vergil's cart, Jasmyn long gone looking at the fishies.
"Bam! Bam! Bam! Target acquired!" He yelled at Vergil, pointing the gun at his forehead. Vergil casually looked into his thoughts and saw that this buffoon was a vampire. 'Well, shit." He thought. Vamps were not easy to kill.
"Fear the all-powerful Mick!" the insane idiot screamed. He shot one arrow at Vergil's head, it sticking with a squish of the super-glued tip.
"What the hell?" Vergil muttered, attempting to pull the foam arrow from his head. No such luck, he went off in search of Jasmyn. The insane idiot, or "Mick" as he had called himself, was following Vergil not far behind.
"Uh, Jasmyn… What are you doing?" Vergil asked, arriving to a rather questionable scene of his girlfriend making out with a giant bag of dog treats. She looked up, startled, and pointed at the arrow sticking off Vergil's face. She began to laugh hysterically before ripping it off. Vergil's demon blood healed the wound quickly, but it still hurt like hell.
Vergil saw another woman, who (by invading her mind) was also a vampire, walk up and tackle Mick, landing a few punches before rolling into a display of condoms. Jasmyn snickered and once again burst into giggles. Vergil chuckled for no apparent reason.
This was sure going to be an interesting trip.
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Vergil, having ditched the two vamps and his psycho girlfriend, walked down the feminine needs isle. 'Hmm… Why is there a feminine needs isle and not a masculine needs isle?' He pondered, grabbing a product at random.
"Maxi Pad." He read the label, a puzzled expression overcoming his face. What was this "Maxi Pad" used for, and why had he never heard of it? Approaching a child at random, who appeared to be 7, he shoved it into his hands.
"Do you know what these are for?" Vergil demanded, adding emphasis by pointing to the plastic bag. The 7 year old shook his head, but motioned for Vergil to follow him. They soon walked up to the child's mother, the youngster giving it to her.
"Mommy, wut's dat?" The little boy pointed at Vergil. "He wants to know." Vergil eyed the woman with suspicion as she stared in disbelief.
"You-" she pointed at Vergil. "Don't know what this is?" Vergil nodded shamefully.
"Well…" The woman didn't quite know how to put it, so she just threw the 'Maxi Pads" at Vergil and ran.
Vergil scowled, but proceeded to the pet section again to find Jasmyn.
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The other vampire was there, biting hamsters at random.
"Rise and serve your mighty queen, Roxy!" She chanted, the hamsters becoming undead. Vergil didn't mind the vampire hamsters as much as the fact that this vamp, Roxy or whatever, was planning on setting her army of undead hamsters loose upon him! "Find Vergil Sparda and scratch him to pieces!"
"HIIIII VERGIL!" Jasmyn screamed in his ear, holding up more cans of spray cheese. Vergil yelled in surprise and fell backwards, hoping that Roxy's attention was not on him. "I found the magical cheese dispensers!"
Vergil put a finger to his lips and pointed at Roxy, still obliviously creating vampire hamsters.
"Ohhh you don't want Roxy to hear! Mick's her boyfriend, I think, and she hates you for no apparent reason." Joanna whisper-yelled, helping Vergil to his feet. Somehow, Roxy heard Jasmyn's whispering and whipped her head around.
"Minions, attack!" She commanded, the hamsters rushing ahead to attack Vergil. Jasmyn stood in front of him, waving her hands around strangely to call upon her power of telekinesis. She may need to go back to the white room with the mattresses on the walls, but she was a hell of a fighter.
The hamsters fell to the tile floor, dead.
"Nooooooooo!" Roxy sobbed hysterically at her soldiers' demise, Mick appearing behind her.
"Oh right! Jasmyn, what's a Maxi Pad?" Vergil asked turning towards his girlfriend. Jasmyn bit her lower lip before leaning in and whispering something into his ear. Vergil's eyes widened and he let out a long "EWW!"
This story was written by vampire meep and Hay Lin Rox , Hay lin rox says this chapter is dedicated to cheese and Vergil's hair gel, We were high on stupidness while writing this at 1 A.M , jasmyn is hay lin rox while Roxy is vampire meep see that blue button that says review? Press it fot 2 reasons 1 because pushing buttons is fun, and 2 to review of course don't worry if you like this story there will be more chapters! STAPLERS!!MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! HAMSTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! I HAV AN ARMY BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and army of cheese spray cans!