Before i start i would like to say a BIG thank you to my friend and beta reader TrueEngel, Dee you are fantastic and i appreciate all the help you provided me with this fic, luv ya to bits!

Also i want to let you all know that i have actually completed this fic and it is a total of 6 chapters long, so at the momenti will post a new chapter every two days, but i will leave it up to you to tell whether you like that idea of whether you want the next chapter sooner depending on what you think of the start :D

Title: Fist cut is the deepest

Rating: T

Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort

Pairing: Connor/Angel, Connor/Darla

Author notes: Hey…This was something that came to me from god knows where lol, I just thought of doing something that involved Connor and his mother and that also touched on Connor's life and the lack of love, in his eyes anyway…so be kind and please let me know what you think, comments are always welcomed…just not too harsh :D

Summary: AU. During Connor's transference between his old life and his new one, can the appearance of his dead mother and a trip down memory lane change his opinion of his father and open him up to the love around him?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Angel characters or worlds, neither do i own any of teh quotes i have added from the show…unfortunately, they all belong to Joss Whedon…a girl can dream can't she?

The loneliness, the pain, the fear.

His emotions were a wreck, he no longer knew of his place in the world, but then again had he ever? He'd only ever had one good thing happen to him in his life and now she was gone, she had left her existence, she had left him.

He knelt down on the cold floor; his hand scarcely tracing the outline of her face, her beauty. He remembered back to the time when she was still with the living, her smile, a smile that could light up a room, a smile that always seemed to make him feel better, made him able to forget. She had promised to give him something real for the first time in his life, and she did, she allowed him to feel.

Now her body lay limp before him, her once perfectly formed self was masked and scarred by the bombs that now had become part of her, an imperfection that was his doing…he had no choice, he had to get her back, he had to end all of his misery.

The whimpering from a small child in the background caught his attention; it irritated him, why was she crying? She had the perfect life; she hadn't gone through what he has had to endure his entire life, pain, suffering…loneliness.

He reluctantly moved away from Cordelia and approached the whimpering child. His anger quickly subsided for a moment when he caught a glimpse of her, crying hysterically, afraid. He had been through so much over the years, now looking at this child it suddenly hit him that he didn't want anyone else to feel what he had to feel, his anger grew again, only this time it was focused on the man holding her, he yelled for him to hold her properly, to comfort her, and protect her. He had no time for his mindless objections; he needed him to help her.

Everyone else silenced at Connor's shouts and demands, he was the feared for once and not the fearful…but he still felt nothing.

He moved to head back towards his beloved Cordelia, but didn't quite make it before he showed up. Connor announced that his presence was aware, staying in his spot, he listened as he approached from behind.

Before Angel even had the chance to near any further, an explosion erupted at his side, the room of hostages scream in shock at the horrendous sound.

That got Angel's attention.

Connor knew that he would be here to try and talk him out of doing this, but he knew that he had no choice, this was what needed to be done, and it couldn't be stopped, not by him not by anyone.

Angel had spoken to him of love, Jasmines love, knowing how he must feel now that that was gone, how empty everyone felt. Connor took no hesitation in letting his father in on his secret, he felt nothing, he felt none of Jasmine's love, he wasn't capable of feeling it, feeling anything for that matter, he was hollow and all he wanted was to be whole again.

Though he dared to voice that wish to his father.

Naturally Angel's next approach was to tell his son that he loves him, that he always had. Connor scoffed inwardly, the mention of love is revulsion, but not in the concept of it, but because of the lack of it in his life, even his dead mother couldn't bring herself to love him.

"That's not true, she sacrificed herself for you Connor" Angel proclaimed, hoping to light any spark of humanity left in his delusional son.

"You tried to love me; at least I think you did" Connor retorts, his words callous, monosyllabic, tired.

"I still do" Angel said barely above a whisper.

"Not enough to hang on Dad" Connor felt his emotions stir, a choke was stuck in the back of his throat, threatening to escape, but he couldn't appear weaker than he already had in front of him, he wouldn't give in. "You let him take me…you let him get me!" Although as he continued he began to lose his previous control, his eyes stung, but he refused the urge to wipe them, he decided that his father deserved to see him to so torn up, it was his fault he was this way, he hadn't been able to save him.

Angel was rendered speechless, his sons words had hit hard. "I want to start over, we can make things right" Angel pleaded with his near hysterical son, wanting so desperately to pull him into his arms; it took all his strength not to stride across the room and do just that.

"No, NO! We can't, everything's a lie and we can't be saved by lies…there's only one thing that can save us and that's death" Connor had lost all hope, he could see in his fathers eyes that he had too, his words dropped and his voice became restless, weaker in his defeat. This was it, it was now or never, he had to end it, he couldn't live like this any longer.

He looked towards Cordelia one last time, as though expecting her to come to life and take him by the hand, make it all better…but she didn't, she was gone.

Angel didn't give him the chance to move, in a flash he was from his spot and had ripped the fuse from the explosive around his son's waist, catching Connor off guard.

They engaged in combat, both physical and emotional, both fighting for the other, both determined to complete their aim, both just desperate to love.

Connor makes a move towards the still bomb covered Cordelia, until he collapsed in agony as Angel threw a knife into the back of his leg; he had underestimated the love he held, the love they shared for this woman. Another pain as the knife was removed and before he could think Angel had him lifted off the ground by the scruff of his shirt, the knife glistening tauntingly in the rays from outside.

"I really do love you son" Angel whispered against the close proximity of their faces.

Connor contemplated his father's actions for a second, he was shocked at his sudden choice of words, he looked into Angel's eyes and was scared at what he saw…was it really love?

"So what are you going to do about it?" Connor asked, trying to keep his voice steady, it only breaking slightly at the end of his demand more than a question.

"Prove it" Connor's brow furrowed in confusion for a split second, in his last moments of life. With those words, Angel took one last look into his son's savage eyes and brought the knife down in one swift motion, slicing his son's throat and watching as the last ounce of his life slipped through his fingers…all for love.

Light engulfed his entire being, blindingly bright, but soothing all the same.

He was aware of his surroundings, but not by sight, more by sense, he could sense the empty space around him, the brightness…was this heaven?

He moved slightly, his hand instinctively going towards his throat, but he was surprised to feel nothing there, no cut, no blood, no pain.

"Connor" He heard faintly in the distance, unsure if he had merely imagined it, but when he heard it again, only this time it was closer, that voice so familiar, but he couldn't place it. "Connor open your eyes" there it was again, the soothing tone was a comfort, but he was unsure of his own strength, his body felt weightless as though he wasn't in control, but in the same instance he was.

"Open your eyes…my darling boy" Connor's eye's shot open at the last remark, darling boy, that's what his…mother called him. His eyes searched frantically for whom he now assumed to be his mother, his heart was uncontrollable in his chest, this must be heaven, he thought to himself, it was the only logical way for him to be hearing his dead mother's voice.

He sat up with little effort much to his surprise and then heard the voice again, only this time it was right beside him. He jolted his head round, gasping involuntarily as his eyes locked with his dead mother's.

"Mom" Connor whispered his voice full of pain and sadness. His mothers gaze didn't falter, she held his with precise determination…with love.

"Yes my darling boy, it's me…my love, so sad, so much pain inside your heart, tainting your goodness" Darla felt her motherly instincts overwhelm her, her hand moved from her side as she crouched to the ground so to come face to face with her son, she gently touched his cheek, tracing the outline of his jaw with her thumb, rubbing away the singie tear that had escaped in her presence.

"Mom…" Connor repeated, unable to believe what he was seeing…feeling. He was an emotional train wreck and now all he wanted was his mother to hold him whilst he let it all out, if this was heaven all he wanted to do was feel happy for the first time in his life.

Darla complied to her son's wishes, how could she refuse him what he wanted, she didn't have the heart…despite the fact that her's still was not beating.

She held him while he cried, his shrill cries of anguish echoing around them, he should have realised that this wasn't heaven when they were the only ones there, this whole expanse of time all to their selves, he was never that lucky or privileged.

Moments later Connor pulled back, once again inspecting his surroundings, Darla unable to take her eyes off of him.

"Where are we? How are you here, are you a ghost?" Connor asked for the first time, able to control his emotions long enough to get some answers.

"Somewhere…nowhere, it doesn't really matter, and yes, I am a ghost of my former self, but I have all my memories, my feelings, my instincts, I am Darla, I am your mother" Darla responded smiling affectionately.

"Am I dead?" Connor asked lowering his head, unable to keep his mothers gaze.

"Yes…but you have yet to move on, your soul is still being kept in this plane, it's not your time. You have been sent here for a reason, I have been sent here for a reason…to help you" Darla explained, Connor now more intrigued than before.

"Help me…how?"

"You've lost your way, all that pain, it's suffocating you, you've given up…you've given up on love Connor" Darla hated to see her son so deprived, so weak and ready to give up, she had been sent to change that, to change him.

"Love isn't real, I haven't given up on it, I'm just not capable of it…everything in my life is death! If I can't love then how can I expect anyone else to love me?" Connor asked sourly, his worst practically being spat out through gritted teeth.

"Connor, that's not true and you know it…and if you don't then that's why I'm here, I'm going to show you how much love you really had in your life, you just didn't see it" Darla took her son's hand in hers and encouraged him to his feet.

He happily took his mothers hand and allowed her to pull him up, thankful for the help, he was still unsure of his own limbs.

"What do you mean show me?" Connor asked feeling a cloud of confusion wash over him once again.

"Like this…" Darla's words seemed to carry forever, echoing around them, repeating over and over, yet they only seemed to last moments, seconds even until the spacious room around them dissolved and changed into a different scene, a scene Connor hadn't seen before.

Well? What did you think? I really hoped you all liked it as much as i did writing it :D

Please leave a review, they make me so happy.

So again the next chapter will be about on Friday 15th, but if you want it on 2moz, let me know :D

Until next time

Cee xx