Thirteen Ways to Annoy the Gotei 13
By M&M's
Disclaimer: Tite Kubo owns Bleach and all the Gotei 13. I only own the ways to torture them.
Summary: One of those how-to-torture things involving the Gotei 13. First time! Second Bleach fanfic, yayz! Rated T for language. Some do not have all 13.
First up, Yamamoto!
1. Ask how old he is. When he answers gasp and faint.
2. Tell Aizen that the Soul Society key-thing he's looking for is located in Yamamoto's beard. Laugh when Yamamoto asks Aizen what the hell he's doing.
3. Ask him if he's Santa.
4. Ask him for random presents.
5. Shave of the beard and blame Aizen.
6. Provide evidence. Take a picture of beard in Aizen's room.
7. Point to the X-scar on his head and yell, 'X marks the spot!'
8. Tell him he's too old.
9. Ask him how many millenniums he's been alive now.
Second victim, Soi Fon!
1. Ask Yoruichi if she wants to go to the movies with you. If she accepts, laugh at Soi Fon and gloat that you got Yoruichi to go out with you before she did.
2. Buy a black cat and tell her it's Yoruichi. Then run away before she finds out the truth.
3. Tell her that her zanpakto makes it look like she's flipping people off.
4. Steal Sazumebachi and run away poking random people with it.
5. When she's drinking something, ask if she is in love with Yoruichi.
6. Tell her Shunsui loves her. Watch as she kicks his butt.
3rd up, Ichimaru-kun!
1. Call him Fox-face.
2. Tell him you saw Aizen making out with Matsumoto. Watch the resulting chaos!
3. Pet him and say, Good Foxy-kun!
4. When around him, constantly frown.
5. Switch the halls around so he ends up in Szayel Aporro's room
Now Captain Mom-uh, I mean, Retsu Unohana!
1. Call her Captain Mommy.
2. Refuse to call her anything but.
3. Ask her if she's Hanatarou's mom.
4. If she says yes, ask if Aizen's the father. (Bleach ep. 60 part 2 English dub. Lemme put it this way, Aizen: "I must commend you, Captain Unohana, you examined my body far more thoroughly than the others.")
5. Introduce Hanatarou to caffeine.
5th up and definitely easiest, Aizen!
1. Introduce Gin to Youtube.
2. Steal the Hogyoku.
3. Replace with the Sacred Jewel from Inuyasha.
4. When you see Aizen coming down the hall to get his Hogyoku from you, throw it to Yammy, Nnoitora, or Grimmjow (who hates Aizen) or whoever's taller than Aizen.
5. Call him Captain Daddy.
6. Then after he's used to that, call him Superman.
7. Switch the halls around so he'll wind up in the Shinigami Women's Association.
8. Make sure Momo's there
9. Tug the bitch curl.
10. If you pull it off, tape it back on as a mustache. Then run!
11. Let Momo into Las Noches.
(Urgent Message from Hueco Mundo
Momo: AIZEN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
2 hours later…
Toshiro: Hey, Matsumoto, how lang does this go on for?
Matsumoto: About five more hours.
Toshiro: Why? Does she kill him?
Both: cringe I never thought an arm could bend that far
Matsumoto: Nah, the camera ran out of batteries and now Gin, Ulquiorra, Tosen, and Wonderweiss are looking for a place in Hueco Mundo that sells batteries!)
12. When he's drinking his tea in the morning, ask how he and Ulquiorra are doing.
13. Put Viagra in his tea. Or sleeping pills.
Number 6, Byakuya!
1. Steal the white hair things he usually wears in his hair.
2. Call him Petal-Boy.
3. Paint his room pink.
4. Take his picture.
Number 7, Komamura!
1. When he goes to the living world, switch his gigai for a dog's.
2. Give him a chew toy for Christmas.
3. Call him Doggie.
4. When he asks where the restroom is point to a tree or fire hydrant.
5. Lift up the basket he wears on his head, then walk away going, 'Huh!'
6. Pet him.
7. Die his fur black.
8. Scooby snacks!
8th Shunsui, aka Pervy-sama!
1. Steal his sake and replace it with rum.
2. Hold a porn magazine just out of reach.
3. Put Viagra in his sake.
4. Tell him Nanao kissed Byakuya and watch as he goes out and tries to kick Bya-kun's butt.
5. Hide his kimono cloak and straw hat.
6. Call him pervy-sama.
7. Call him Jiraiya.
8. Ask him how babies are made, then kick him in the balls when he tries to show you.
9. When he falls asleep, jump on him.
9th on my list, Tosen!
1. Switch the corridors in Las Noches so he ends up in the women's spa.
2. Or the stairs.
3. Switch his visor for a gaudy pair of sunglasses.
4. Tell him there's no justice in the world.