A/N: I don't own "The Host" and I don't own "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor. ANOTHER SONG-FIC! This one is from Wanderer's point of view, though. Enjoy and please review.
"Fidelity"
(Shake it up)
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
Before I came to live on Earth, I had never loved anyone before.
I had never found a partner, never found someone that I wanted to be with more than I wanted to be alive.
Which was why I wandered.
To some degree, I did try to keep myself from finding a partner. I was afraid, afraid to feel too much and not enough at the same time.
I'd let myself get lost in the sounds of whatever world I was living in. I listen to all the voices as a group rather than focusing on one individual and singling him out.
Because I was scared.
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
And now, it breaks my heart that I could ever think of love like that.
It breaks my heart that I kept myself from love all that time.
However, I wouldn't have found a partner before I came to Earth.
There was only one partner for me, and that was Ian, my Ian.
And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall
At times, I wondered what my life would be like if Mel hadn't been my first host body, if the human whose body I stole had been erased.
What if I never met Ian?
What if we never fell in love?
What if I never let him kiss me?
What if I never even saw him?
What if we never spoke with each other?
What if I kept watching souls' soap operas, filling my head with perfectionistic ideas about love when my only partner unknowingly waited for me, somewhere out there?
And I shudder at the thought.
Life without Ian is now unimaginable.
He's my Ian, he's my partner. I can't live without him.
All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better
The intensity of this feeling sometimes worries me. What if I'm feeling too much? What if Ian doesn't feel the same way?
His actions and words constantly prove to me otherwise.
When I venture to share my feelings with them, Mel, Lily, and Trudy all assure me that it's going to get better. That though my feelings will never fade, the need to be around Ian almost constantly would decrease in its intensity.
I doubted it.
It had been six months since I had been inserted into Pet's body, and I still felt out of place if Ian wasn't at my side.
I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart
Before this life, I'd always been afraid of love.
Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of showing too much, afraid of getting too attached. The level of commitment that a partnership implied scared me to no end. I was afraid of getting too attached, so I never stayed on one planet for more than one life term.
Until now.
Ian… he was the reason I had stopped wandering. I couldn't bring myself to go any place without him, and since he couldn't leave Earth, here I would stay.
And I was no longer afraid.
Ian gave me some sort of sense of security. I knew he would never hurt me, and I knew I had nothing to fear with him by my side.
I could face anything, so long as he was there with me. Frankly, that was all I cared about now.
All that mattered was Ian. My Ian.
Ian was mine in a way that Jared never would be, never could be.
And honestly, I no longer had feelings for Jared.
The first few weeks in Pet's body had been confusing. The jealousy at seeing Mel and Jared together, as well as the confusion I saw in Mel's eyes when she looked at Ian. Until I had seen that, I hadn't realized that my love for Ian would affect her as well. But I supposed that a love as strong as mine for him must have had some sort of lasting effect on her body.
This was my last life, and I would live it well.
I would live it with Ian, my partner.
I would live it with Mel, Jamie, Jared, Kyle, and Sunny, my family.
I would live it with Trudy, Lily, Heath, Doc, Jeb, and all the others who were my friends.
Now that I realized how much I belonged here, I couldn't imagine leaving this place, much less leaving this planet.
This was the last body I would ever inhabit. When Pet's body grew too old and started to deteriorate, I would stay in it and I would die in it.
I wouldn't allow them to put me in another body, even if the mind had been completely erased, because I saw no point to life without Ian, and they couldn't put Ian in a brand new body, now could they?
Besides, there was only one thing that broke my heart now.
I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music
Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart
And that was the thought of losing Ian.